Fiction we read in February

The Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher: We love his Dresden Files books (with the exception of the most recent entry...ugh), so we thought we would give his high fantasy a try. It started out rough, and we didn't care. Once we got into it, we appreciated the tight little story and the characters. They were a little black-and-white for us, a little too flat and blatantly "good-vs.-evil," but that's better than having no one to root for, like in the first Game of Thrones book. The writing is easy to understand, and the book was fun. We care enough to read the second one and watch where Butcher takes this, but we don't care enough to read it right away. We will take a little break first. Book grade: B-

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater: We liked everything about this YA book except for one thing. They way Maggie writes, you can't get sucked into a scene. She has paragraphs of character thoughts after every line in a conversation! She interrupts herself and her scenes so much that it feels choppy. She needs to let things flow. Otherwise, there are good characters, romance that actually works, a good story, and good use of magic. We loved the gang of guys and the main female character. We want to read the next one...we just hope it won't be so hard to read. Book grade: B

Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl: This was like Twilight, only with the genders swapped and the more offensive/abusive elements removed. We liked the small-town, Southern Gothic setting and many of the adult characters. We also loved that the main character and narrator was a guy. He seemed cool. This was easy to read, but it was way too long, keeping this book from being tight and focused. It's not special or original, but it's enjoyable if you like YA paranormal romance, and we do. We weren't nuts about the ending. If we continue this series, we hope the writers take more risks. By playing it safe, the writers didn't write something bad, but they didn't hit any great notes either. Book grade: B

Ern Reads Every Stephen King Book Post 4: Rage

Yes, I'm still doing this. I just got stuck on this one. You see, it's a hard book to GET. Also, I feel guilty for reading it, because I don't think King would approve.

Ern Reads Every Stephen King Book post 3: The Shining

I've read this one before, back when I was younger, and I've seen the popular 1980 movie based on the book as well. I don't remember much about the movie. That was a long time ago. I remember liking it. There are a few classic moments that are not present in the book, like Jack's writings just saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over. Also, "Here's Johnny!" only happens in that movie. There are a ton of differences and both the book and movie are good, so it's worthwhile to partake in both. My only complaint about the movie is that the wife, Wendy, is so ugly in the movie that it's distracting. I know that's mean to say, and I'm sorry, but the book paints Wendy as much more attractive.

Stephen King lived portions of this book/got certain scenes from real life. He actually moved to Boulder, Colorado for a year in order to give his third published book a different setting. We guess it would be a problem to write a book set in a place with which you are unfamiliar. King and his family stayed in a hotel one night where they were the only guests, and they stayed in a room that was said to be haunted, Room 217. He was served at a the hotel bar by a man named Grady and dreamed of his three-year-old son running from a firehose. The hotel, The Stanley, had once housed famous people.

This is one of only a few books that have ever really scared me. The "bathtub scene" is what did it the first time around. The second time around, I was more unhinged by the crumbling marriage, the suspicion, and the adult stresses of the job, blame, and parenting. Maybe it's just that I'm older now. The Shining isn't just a ghost story. The novel explores a damaged marriage, hurt and trust in a marriage, alcoholism, and one man dealing with quite the temper. The evil hotel, filled with ghosts, uses all of these already negative things, blowing them up to massive proportions to take a family down.
I don't think this is Stephen King's scariest book anymore, although I used to. The Stand and Pet Sematary probably compete for that title now.

My biggest complaint about this book is that sometimes it got repetitive. King would tell a story from, say, Jack's past, having him remember it. Then he would tell the same story from his wife, Wendy's, point of view, but we wouldn't really get much new information. The history of the hotel was repeated several times, as were several minor, past incidents. We love the way King lets us know the entire life story of most of his characters, but we only need the life story once. Overall, this is a classic for a reason. It has characters you care about, although very few of them. I want to go watch the movie now.

Book Grade (compared to other Stephen King books): B

More Young Adult Fiction: Because It Is My Blood and Origin

We read some YA novels this week. As old as we get, we can't help but read stuff like this. It's fun.

Because It Is My Blood by Gabrielle Zevin
This is the sequel to All These Things I've Done, which we thought was a little silly, but we enjoyed it anyway. These books are part of the Birthright trilogy about the daughter of a mobster. It's like a teenage version of The Godfather, only it's set in the future and it's chocolate, not drugs, that are trafficked. This book improves on things by turning the focus from the teen love story and high school. Instead of that stuff, this book deals largely with the mobster activity, Anya's choices for her future, and chocolate manufacturing.

We loved Anya's new friend in Mexico. This book had some good, believable action in it. It went quickly. We liked the ending, Anya's plans, her new alliances, and the ire it drew from one important character. One of the things keeping this series from being too dry and dour is its sense of humor. The heroine is also easy to like without being cliche or trying too hard. She's smart and tough, and her decisions and emotions make sense. This book is probably trying to provoke thought about why marijuana is illegal and whether it should be. We're fine with that. It's something to think about, especially for the next generation.

If you liked the first one, you'll like this one. We don't admire this trilogy, but we like it, care about it, and enjoy reading it. Most of the stuff we complained about in our review of the last book isn't present here. It feels less like candy and more like a real story as it moves forward. It still has an immature, slightly unrealistic feel that we can't put our fingers on, but that doesn't ruin our enjoyment of a fine female character and her discomfort at being caught between taking care of her family, being a good girl, having a solid future, contributing to her community, loving her boyfriend, and trying to figure out where she fits in her father's crime empire, if she fits there at all.
Book grade: B

Origin by Jessica Khoury
This book is about a scientifically engineered, "perfect" girl named Pia who will live forever, can run 12 miles in 30 minutes, and has really tough skin. She lives in a compound and thirsts for information about the outside world. One night, she gets out. And she meets a boy. A misogynistic jerk of a boy. This book is by-the-numbers and pretty slow. It was predictable, and the ending was too easy and clean. We didn't connect with the main character, who seemed to have no personality, and the love story left us unmoved. The prose/Pia's inner monologue was dull. It wasn't dark enough.

However, this book was written by a 22-year-old woman. That's young. It's rare that someone of that age can write something that really gets to us, deep in the gut. The writing wasn't bad, and there was nothing offensive or terrible about this book. It just wasn't remarkable. In fact, it was promising. We'd like to read what Mrs. Khoury writes in ten years. Older people just have so much more to draw from. Also, this was her first novel. We'll give her credit for trying and getting published, but we don't recommend this book.
Book grade: D+

Cold Days by Jim Butcher

By Jim_Butcher.jpg: Nonsequiturlass derivative work: Kelly (This file was derived from:  Jim_Butcher.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

We're going to try to review this book without spoiling it. We will mention certain subjects and characters who are and are not present in the book, so if that's too much for you (knowing who and what appears), don't read this if you haven't read the book yet. First, we will give you the grades we would give for the other books in the series, just so you have some basis of comparison and know what sort of installments we like to see in this series. Some people like the books that are heavy on action; some people like the introspective, emotional ones. This is what we like/don't like.

Storm Front: B-
Fool Moon: C
Grave Peril: A-
Summer Knight: B
Death Masks: A
Blood Rites: B+
Dead Beat: A-
Proven Guilty: B
White Night: C+
Small Favor: A
Turn Coat: A
Changes: A
Ghost Story: B+
Side Jobs: B-

Yeah, we liked Ghost Story a lot. We think we're in the minority here. We think this book scared the fans. It was sad, long, and the main character was dead. We think the positive reaction to Cold Days among fans is relief that the series they once loved hasn't changed forever. Still, we think Ghost Story was a more satisfying book. Yeah. the ending was frustrating, but it was also exciting. Plus, the twist at the end of Ghost Story (who killed Harry) knocked us on our asses. That book stayed with us longer and felt less like filler that had to happen in order to further Butcher's overall arc. Ghost Story was a story, and a very human one. Cold Days involved getting all the pieces in a chess match to where they needed to be.

We love books that deal with the White Council, the Denarians/Knights, necromancy/the dead, Marcone, cops, vampires, and family. We don't like when Butcher focuses on faeries. It's only tolerable when, like in Summer Knight and Proven Guilty, the White Council shows up to get in on the action, if only temporarily. We hate faerie so much. First of all, it's one long Jim Butcher boner, because every woman in faerie is unbelievably beautiful (as opposed to every other woman in this series...oh wait. Every woman is attractive in Harry Dresden's world. He must be a magnet), and he goes on and on and on about it. We're straight chicks, so it doesn't do much for us. We can't imagine that guys would rather read about hot girls than look at them. We do like the Faerie Mothers though. They are creepy.

Unfortunately, but predictably due to the last book and this book's title, this one was all about faeries. Faery Queens. Bleck. Dull. Too inhuman and cold. Cold Days indeed. Fix is the sole faerie character who actually invites sympathy, and we were grateful for his presence and actions in this one. In fact, let's keep going with what we liked. First of all, we too are grateful that the main character of the series is alive again. We liked Mab's idea of physical therapy. We liked everything to do with the island. Demonreach's purpose is mega-cool and sure to cause trouble with the White Council, which is what we love. We also liked everything involving Mac. Who is he?!! We liked the Outsider's psychic attacks. We liked Kringle. We liked Bob's Firefly reference that Harry didn't understand. We liked the good plotting.

We liked the scene with the Gatekeeper and the revelations there. It made faerie seem a lot more important, and that's needed if we have to see faeries so dang much. We liked Harry's reflections and observations about the nature of power and temptation. We liked Bob's new "movie projector" capabilities. The exposition between Bob and Harry could get old in previous installments, and now Butcher has a tool to make these conversations hilarious. We like that Harry's allies continue to be un-annoying and helpful. We liked Harry's romantic choices. We're not gonna say who (although you can probably guess) we never ever ever ever want to see together, but there's a couple that can't happen, and it was addressed in this book. Gross. Icky icky never never.

Most of all, we like the way this book picked up threads and pieces from the last books and continued them. It was like LOST, dropping hints and plot points for the future, and then actually picking them up. The continuity is great. We got answers to questions that were raised in the first book. Things we glossed over as unimportant in, say, Proven Guilty, turned out to be fairly pivotal. Butcher is great at world building and creating a puzzle. He's going to great lengths to drop pieces everywhere, much like in the Harry Potter series when Rowling laid down hints and then picked them up again, making everything tie together almost perfectly. Finally, Harry's reunion with Thomas was a highlight.

Now for what we hated. It was a lot. 1) No Maggie, Michael, Marcone, or Ebenezar. Three of these are people who, emotionally, should have been there to see Harry come back and react to it. Marcone is just awesome. We guess Butcher is saving these reunions for later, but ugh. We've already waited a year. 2) No one was surprised enough to see that Harry was alive except for Thomas. Sure, there are reasons why Karrin and Molly reacted almost the same way as if a neighbor had come back from Cabo, but why have those reasons? Why kill and bring back a main character and not take full advantage of the shock, awe, and tears? 3) The status of the Winter Knight and one of the queens by the end of the book. We guess we'll be seeing more fairies! Joy. 4) Too many fight scenes. Those are great to watch and boring to read.

5) The "little folk." Does anyone else find them completely annoying in every way? Yeah, they are helpful and good in small doses, but they were in this book too much. 6) The new characters Lacuna and Sarissa. Sarissa is like Susan 2.0 in that she is just bland and brave. 7) This installment didn't show us anything we haven't seen from this series before, except for the revelations of what's been going on in previous books. This type of story, adventure, and interaction is all old hat.

8) Not as much tension. 9) Not a surprising enough ending or evil plot. 10) Molly was jerked around too much, as usual, and the development in her character since the last book was a little sudden. 11) We got bored during the climax. 12) The Redcap. So grating! He should have died early on. 13) Some sexism. 14) While there was a reason for them, we didn't enjoy Harry's rape-y thoughts. Lots of women have been raped, and it doesn't seem fair to make them read these thoughts in a favorite book series.

15) This Winter Knight mantle scared Harry for a reason. There is a chance it can corrupt him and has already seeped into his brain a little. Now, we've already seen this with Lasciel and know how it will turn out, but we're not loving it right now. Lasciel tempted with power. The mantle tempts with sex and animal instincts (like rape, which is distinct from sex). We're afraid that it will turn out to be an excuse for Butcher to have his main character act like an evil pig and still technically be a good person and hero. We don't want to see Butcher's darkest fantasies, so we hope it's not like that.

(It reminds us of when Anita Blake got an excuse to be really slutty after getting something called the ardeur in another series. That completely ruined that series.) This mantle temptation needs to come and go, quickly. We're tolerating it only because we think it will start drama with the other wizards, and we love wizard drama. 16) Toward the end, we just wanted to finish it already. After waiting for a year for this. 17) Harry is still creating problems for himself. 18) This book was good for the overall, 23-book plot, but not for the characters. And we only get obsessed with things when we love the characters.

Edit based on internet surfing: 19) Lucyzephyr pointed out that in chapter 48, Butcher basically said that Lily being attractive would obviously lead to her being a victim. Not only physically attractive, young people are raped. That statement is messed up. We agree with this tumblr that even though the story gave a reason for these thoughts and fantasies, there were other ways to show dark, primal urges, and there was no reason for Butcher to have eight rape fantasies or for them to be as detailed as they were. Entertainment that references rape affects society. It went past what was necessary. Also, THERE WAS a gang rape scene in Grave Peril. We KNEW we read that right. How is that even a question?

Overall, our expectations for this book were low, since we knew it would involve Winter Court stuff, and we were STILL disappointed. The book was fine. We're just glad it's over so Harry can move onto other subject matter. We hate that we have to wait another year to get the book we would like to have had on Tuesday. We wanted more emotion, but a lot of that has been set up for next time (Maggie, Fix, Molly, Michael), so we're not worried that, eventually, we will get what we want. For now, meh.

Book grade: C
But we still love this series.

Ern reads every Stephen King book. Post 2: 'Salem's Lot

This was my first time reading 'Salem's Lot, and I haven't seen the movie (although Leeard has and gave it a "meh"). I heard that Stephen King has stated that this is his favorite book of his. I don't know why. It's one of the most ordinary books by him that I have ever read. It has a generic love story that never actually pulls at the heartstrings, a writer hero who seems like a regular Joe, and classic vampires. I didn't like that, at the beginning, the end result of the novel is just given away. The rest is just details. It was neat to see Father Callahan of The Dark Tower series. I can see why King wanted to write a sequel to 'Salem's Lot, but was then satisfied with just following up on Callahan in his magnum opus. If I had read SL before DT, I would have been curious to know the priest's fate. He was by far my favorite character.

I didn't like when King would get all poetic with his descriptions of the time of day, weather, or landscape. It sounded like he was trying too hard, and some of it sounded like nonsense. The dark sense of humor he normally displays when he's talking about characters was at a minimum. One of my favorite things about King is how he takes us in depth into the backgrounds of even minor characters, and how their life stories are almost as interesting as the present action. He did this a little here, but not enough. This novel was better than Twilight at least. The vampires sure didn't glitter, which I appreciate. It was an adult book. It's one of the better vampire stories I've read, actually. It didn't scare me at all, but it might have if I had read it when I was younger.
Book Grade (compared to other King books): C+

Ern reads every Stephen King book. Post 1: Carrie

That is a picture of me and Stephen King. If you follow me on tumblr, you've already seen it. I got to meet him for my high school graduation present. My mom told me I was going to get lame senior pictures professionally done. I was less than enthused...until we got to our destination and Stephen King lived there. (Don't worry, Mom's at-the-time boyfriend knew him; we would never stalk King. He likes his privacy and I can respect that.) Well done, Mom. I know it was a sacrifice for her to not get those senior pics. I was so stunned. I could only mutter, "I really loved the Dark Tower books." He was very nice and humble. Best day ever. I was really grateful. 

This is my first time reading Carrie. From seeing half of the Sissy Spacek movie and hearing the ending, I felt like I knew the story and didn't need to read it. I skimmed it once in the library. But I've been wanting to go over all King's books this year. I've read a lot of them already, and there are some I need to read because they tie into the wonderful Dark Tower series. Carrie, to my knowledge, does not, but it was a good read anyway. You felt sympathy for nearly all the characters, especially Carrie. The writing is good, especially for a fourth (first published) novel. King was ashamed of this book and threw its first scene away, but his wife, Tabitha, wisely dug it out of the garbage.

I can see how it was shocking and progressive for its time. Stephen King has a problem with religious radicals (as do we all). This book has been banned several times, which is a shame because its rawness and tragedy would speak to high school and middle school students. There is talk of sex and lots of rated-R language, but kids hear those things every day in real school. I think it could combat the bullying "epidemic" by making people feel compassion for a mostly unlovable girl. King's ability to write inside the head of a suffering teenage girl is impressive. It's extremely believable. Carrie was based on a combination of two of King's classmates and Cinderella. Cinderella gone wrong. One of King's Carrie-based classmates killed herself as an adult. He was also likely influenced by his time as an English teacher.

This book made me excited for the movie remake. I can see how it can be truly terrifying. Its star compared it to Black Swan and said that sometimes in the movie, we won't know what's real and what's not real. While the old movie is a classic, in this day-and-age, the story can be told better. I'm not sure about Chloe as Carrie because she's very thin. Carrie is supposed to be a pretty girl whose looks are ruined by zits, glasses, and a few extra pounds, as well as a downcast demeanor caused by years of abuse. Why are the movies and TV shows so afraid of casting girls who aren't obese but are also not thing? 30 Rock joked once that there was no place on TV for someone of a normal weight. It's true. At least Chloe has the dirty-blonde hair color, and we love that she's a real teen.

Should you read this book? If you're in middle or high school, absolutely. If you enjoy horror, sure. This isn't my favorite book of his, and the plot isn't terribly strong. But it will get you in the heart, and you'll remember it. I'm going to grade these books in comparison with other Stephen King books, not books in general. King is very good with words, so most of his books are better than everything else in his genre (although he switches genres often). It's boring to give everything an A+. I tend to read a couple Stephen King books a year. I enjoy them and didn't want to use them all up. But it's time to get to them all. 

Book grade: B-

Next is Salem's Lot.

Book Reviews- The Diviners by Libba Bray

When we were younger, we read A Great and Terrible Beauty by this author, and we were underwhelmed. It was alright, but we didn't want to continue reading Bray's work. Everything in that book seemed to fizzle. But we gave this new series a chance, and man are we glad we did. Libba hasn't run out of ideas; she's gotten better ones. She's improved as a writer as well. This book reminded us of Stephen King for young adults. Some of the descriptions, the violence, the scary parts, and the characterization were reminiscent of King's best work. Coming from us, that's a huge compliment. We think he's a prolific writer. Bray's advantage is that her story is a little more interesting than evil clowns or dogs.

This book is long, but it left us wanting more. We read it in three days. We loved all the characters. We respected Bray's refusal to stray from hard topics, such as abortion, euthanasia, and fanaticism. One of the best things about this book was its main character, Evie O'Neill. Evie was not your typical YA heroine. We were getting sick of clumsy, insecure girls with hearts of gold and introverted tendencies. Evie is clever, funny, deceptive, stylish, brave, and troublesome.

She's good looking, and she knows it, thank God. She wants attention. She's BLONDE. She acts selfishly and impulsively. She's the sort of girl other girls are supposed to hate, but she's a breath of fresh air after all the Bella Swan lookalikes in teen fiction. The only annoying thing about her is she overuses certain hip-for-the-time phrases. We could sympathize with Evie's inability to follow the rules and be a "nice girl" who never ruffles feathers. She's not a YA cliche. She's Regina George if Regina had a cool power and wasn't mean to people.

The book is set in the 1920s, and the details of the time period are well-researched and convincing. The story involves supernatural elements and, of course, there are a few love stories, but they are believable and you can get into them. We definitely prefer Jericho to Sam. We like all the characters though. This book has plenty of reveals about each character because they all have secrets. The book didn't give us all the answers though, so we are already drooling for the sequel. There wasn't a wasted sentence in the whole thing. If Bray keeps this quality up, she'll have the next Big Thing in teen fiction, guaranteed.
Book grade: A

Shadow and Bone review

Despite our determination to finish JK Rowling's new book, we haven't been able to get through it yet. We may be done with it next week. We did take a little break to read more young adult fiction. We picked up Shadow and Bone, the first book of a proposed "Grisha Trilogy", by Leigh Bardugo because we heard it was going to be made into a movie and producers thought it could be the next big thing. While it wasn't revolutionary, we enjoyed it a lot.

An orphaned young woman who was drafted into the army,Alina, discovers she has powers and is whisked off to a palace to be trained. There is a good twist in the middle of the book and it careens toward an action-packed, satisfying ending. We hate cliffhangers when books aren't out yet, so that's good. The book was entertaining all the way through. Sure, there were some things that have become cliche in this genre (insecure misfit girl who doesn't think she's pretty, love triangle), but it avoided being egregiously offensive or stupid.

We liked most of the characters, especially The Darkling and Alina's new friend, Genya. It was cool that the book was set in a fictional version of Imperial Russia (people complaining that it's inaccurate didn't get the memo that it's a made-up version). The story sucked us in and wasn't predictable. We finished this in a day. The romantic parts were good enough to make you care, but it didn't take up the entire plot. It was a subplot. There is more going on here than romance (power struggles, courage), making it more like the Hunger Games than Twilight. Not that it is as good as The Hunger Games. Hardly anything is.

The highest praise we can give any book is that we would (and will, in this case) read its sequels. We will definitely be buying the next one. If you like YA fantasy, you could do worse.

Book grade: A-

Hard Books to Finish

We're stalled on a book, guys. That's why we haven't been posting much about books. We need to just put it down and read something else, but we feel like we can't. We hate not finishing a book. We're really anal and feel like we have to read every word.

Wheel of Time series- Robert Jordan
We've started reading this series several times at different ages and stages. It never seems to hook us. So many people are obsessed with it, and we love fantasy, so what's the problem? It might be the weird names and the fact that too many characters are thrown at us too soon. It might be the length. We think it's really the dull, stuffy prose. If you just read the dialogue, it's alright. That's how we got through the second book. Does that count as reading it? We like Brandon Sanderson, the Mormon guy finishing the series for the late Jordan, so we want to make it to the last book where there might be writing that's easier to read. But it's soooo hard. We like the premise, the story, and at least two of the characters. We will finish this series. Of course, we've forgotten everything we read of it in high school, so now we're back to chapter five of book one. Ugh. It's a quagmire!
Status: We're going to get to it. Check back in a few years.

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
A woman on an airplane told Ern to read this when Ern was 13, because she said she wept through it and couldn't put it down (she was a die-hard liberal Democrat, by the way; did she understand this book?) Ern is a freaking LIBERTARIAN (if she's anything), so, message-wise, this book should be something she'd enjoy. However, it's sat on her shelf, 100 pages read, for 12 years. One day. One day.
Status: Ern will read this in the next year.

Insomnia by Stephen King
We wanted to read this because it significantly connects to the Dark Tower series, which we love. We got about halfway through it and just got frustrated. This old man can't sleep...for hundreds of pages. He starts seeing weird stuff. There's stuff about abortions in there (we think. It's been a long time), and we're not particularly into that debate or...you know...abortions in general (no one really is). It's just so long and not as eventful as other long King books (The Stand). We love his writing, even when he's wasting our time, but something needs to happen eventually.
Status: We want to do a re-read of all King's books, getting to the ones we haven't read. We'll get to the second half when we do that. OOOOH WE CAN DO AN ALL-STEPHEN KING POST AND RATE HIS BOOKS!

John Grisham books
We just lose the will to care partway through them. We heard from someone brilliant and awesome that his characters are just like real lawyers in practice, so one of us totally should read a few.
Status: Maybe someday? 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo- by Stieg Larsson
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Status: We'll never finish this. We've already seen two movies (and the second Swedish one), so that's okay. The movies are better.

The Lonely Polygamist- Brady Udall
Big Love is better. Unless someone tells us we should finish this book, we won't. We had no emotional connection to the characters and, once again, there were too many characters thrown at us at once. If the book had a chart of the women and their children in the front of a book, things might have turned out differently.
Status: Threw in the towel

The Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold
We hear this is a lot better than the movie, but we got bored. Her heaven was weird and we couldn't get into a book where the main character was already dead and not going to pull a Jesus.
Status: We already saw the movie, so we know what happens

The Casual Vacancy- JK Rowling
This is the book we're currently stuck on. We were so excited to read this because we thought that even if it wasn't Harry Potter, Rowling would still be able to craft a good story with characters we'd fall in love with. So far, not really. We're bored and Rowling gave us too many names at once. There's no character we're attached to. They are all really slimy and selfish people. The book is sort of bleak too. It's like if the Harry Potter books had stayed on Privet Drive, only a Privet Drive robbed of all its whimsy. We're only 10% of the way through it (and Stephen King says you should always give a book 33% before you quit), but we aren't wanting to sit down and read more. Rowling, we love you and think you are a classy lady, but you're better than this.
Status: Still planning to finish...slowly

Do you know if any of these are worth finishing? What's a book you can't finish?

Movies/Books: Looper, Pitch Perfect, White Girl Problems

By Original photo by CAryn Loveless [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Movies

Looper

Holy tits, this movie was good. The plot wasn’t predictable and went places we wouldn’t have thought from the trailer. The beginning made us think the movie was going into cliché-ville, but then it went elsewhere. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is becoming an actor we trust because he makes good decisions when picking movies. He’s also good at his job. His Bruce Willis impression was right on. We liked that the movie shunned true love as the ultimate salvation for everyone. People in love can do some horrible things if they put their feelings above their honor and compassion.

This movie valued selflessness above romantic connection. It’s a nice change of pace from the usual go-to way to give a character or movie meaning (i.e. romance). Anyway, this movie was well-plotted, intense, thrilling, original, exciting, well-written, action-packed, well-acted, smart, and well-paced. It’s not for the squeamish. There’s some nudity, prostitution, language, disfigurement (in an awesomely dark, disturbing scene), and tense situations. There’s also a really adorable kid, so that’s nice. We’d see it again. If you like science fiction and action, go for it.

Movie grade: A+

Pitch Perfect

If you enjoyed the trailer, you’ll like this movie. If you haven’t seen the trailer, go see this movie if you like comedies that reflect a modern, college sense of humor and if you like a cappella. Anna Kendrick and Skylar Astin are cute together in this movie, and they do a good job. They have nice singing voices. Rebel Wilson plays a funny, weird fat girl (Fat Amy) who is like a younger version of Melissa McCarthy’s character in Bridesmaids, only less redneck and more confident slut. As much as we roll our eyes at the media’s portrayal of larger white women, we laughed at Rebel. She does what she does well. The whole cast was solid. There are about two good musical numbers, but the others aren’t bad and usually draw laughs. The choreography could have been better. The movie’s biggest strength was its love story. The main male love interest is pretty perfect, in personality, talent, and looks. The whole movie is pretty fun and has more than a few good laughs.

Movie grade: B+

Books

White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

This book is completely shallow with no likeable characters and not a whole lot of plot. But it’s one of the most hilarious books around. White Girl Problems is about a 25-year-old, spoiled, rich, L.A. girl with narcissistic personality disorder and a shopping addiction/obsession with being chic. If you’ve ever wanted to make fun of Paris Hilton, aspiring actresses, girls who only consume celery and alcohol, and girls who go crazy when they fall in love, you’ll like laughing at Babe. Her insults and delusions are cackle-worthy. Some of Babe’s lines are insanely clever. You’ll want to read some of her “problems” out loud to your friends. This isn’t a clean book. Babe curses like a sailor and sleeps around like a frat guy. Read three chapters (chapters are short) at the bookstore or library and then decide if this is your sense of humor. We enjoyed it and kind of wish we had written it.

Book grade: B+

Aaaaand with that, we're caught up on this blog.

Books and movies 9/23/12

Movie-

Premium Rush

This movie was a complete surprise. We hadn’t heard much about it, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt has been making so many fantastic movie choices lately, we had to check it out. This movie was pure fun. It was about bike messengers in New York City. Joseph plays one of the best, Wilee. One of his deliveries becomes dangerous when a cop starts chasing and bullying him to hand over the envelope he’s supposed to ride across town. There are a few twists, good action sequences, funny jokes, and good performances. If you are at the theater looking for something to see, don’t have anything in mind, and don’t know of a good crowd-pleaser that won’t get you in trouble with your group, pick this one.

Movie grade: B+

Books-

Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein

This story is set in World War II, and it involves a friendship between two women, a pilot and a secret agent resisting the Third Reich. (The afterward of the book explains that this is historically plausible.) Anyway, the book is powerful and emotional, with a good story and characters you’ll care about, as well as lots of fun historical details. The climax and ending didn’t disappoint. The first part is rough, because it has lots of flashbacks that aren't as intense as the real-time storyline and too much airplane talk (the author is a pilot herself). But the second half stays in the present, answers nagging questions, and brings the book to an effective close. So plow through. It’s well-written, smart, and it will appeal to teens and adults. It blows that Sarah’s Key book away, so if you like the subject and setting, go for this one. It deserves all the attention it should (and might) get in the future once people start reading it.

Book grade: B+

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

The other of Fight Club is back with a book about a 13-year-old, fat daughter of celebrity parents who winds up in Hell, makes friends there, and slowly remembers the details of her death. The first half kind of bummed and grossed us out, but it improved from there. It never sucked us in to where it was an easy read, but we liked it anyway. We liked the witty narrator, and the book had some great things to say about identity. It’s cool that Chuck can write a 13-year-old girl (albeit a brilliant one) and have us believe it. There were a few laughs, and we’ll probably check out the sequel. The book’s ending is its weak point. We hate a cliffhanger in a freaking book.

Book grade: B-

The Many Deaths of the Firefly Brothers by Thomas Mullen

Two bank-robbing brothers die and mysteriously come back to life, evade the police, deal with family issues, worry about/look for their molls, and get into trouble. We’d heard good things about this one, and we were impressed by Mullen’s obvious intelligence. A few lines and themes were really well thought out. Weaknesses include an insanity plot that didn’t really go anywhere, an ending that didn’t answer the book’s central question, and an ending that was open-ended in a lot of ways. The ride to that ending was great though. It was fun, easy to read, well-paced, and twisty. We liked the magic aspect, the relationships in the book, the central characters, the revelations, and the flashbacks, which surprisingly didn’t slow things down too much. Read the first couple of chapters, and if you don’t like the writing or want to know what happens next, don’t read it. If you do, it’s not a waste of time. It has some of the most enjoyable prose we've read in a while.

Book grade: B

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey, final post/review of entire book

I finished 50 Shades of Grey. Well, I got to about 68% on my kindle, and then I sped-read the rest of it, stopping to get the gist of every sex scene and reading mostly the conversations, skimming the awful prose. I just couldn’t read it normally or I never would have finished it. I have other things I want to read and this was taking too long. I hated this book more than I ever could have imagined hating it. I thought I would get a kick out of the sex, but even that was mundane. I’ve had crazier/sexier DREAMS than that. And no, I’m not sharing. Or maybe I should…I might have the next bestseller. A plot never really emerged, other than, “Will Ana have kinky sex will this billionaire? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.”

Ana had no self-respect. That was the worst thing about it. I’m so sick of girls dissing themselves and their looks, digging for affirmation, and thinking it’s humble and likeable to always be down on yourself. It isn’t. It’s still self-absorbed/prideful. It’s just pathetic as well. That goes out to nearly everyone on Tumblr. I loved Kate. I wish the book had been about her. Plot: Kate’s roommate, Ana, is getting into an unhealthy relationship. Kate can’t talk sense into her, so she concocts an elaborate, evil plan to take the billionaire down and sabotage his relationship. Hilarity ensues. Now THAT I would read. In real life, Kate would lose Ana. People almost always pick their lovers over well-meaning friends and family who don’t approve of them. It’s best to just keep your mouth shut until people wake up and smell the coffee.

The descriptions are the worst thing about the book. I’ve never seen more laughable descriptions in my life. The BDSM was tame. There was nothing shocking about the sex in the book. Sorry. Your average episode of Sex and the City brought up more about sex and power in relationships. I have no problem, personally, with that kind of sex at all. I have a problem with Ana having no self respect, Christian being controlling and protective, Christian dictating every facet of Ana’s life, and Christian demanding an overall attitude of submission even when they aren’t in the bedroom. The book could leave you feeling depressed, hating women, hating men, hating society, and hating reading in general.

I was looking up what real BDSM enjoyers say about the book. The consensus is that it’s not representative of the relationships they have. They deem this relationship abusive. In this awesome article, Sophie Morgan says, “For me, the book is as much a fetishisation of capitalism as it is a discourse on BDSM. Christian Grey may be a stalkerish sort with epic amounts of emotional baggage, but the accoutrements of wealth he offers – designer labels, helicopters and expensive gifts – are deemed enough that our virginal heroine should stick with him, endure his peccadilloes and keep trying to change him. It's very much focused on ending up married and settled and financially secure – Mills & Boon with butt plugs.” It’s true. Ana didn’t want this kind of sex. She just wanted him. Sure, some of it turned her on. But a lot of it was pushed on her when she wasn’t comfortable with it yet.

It kind of bored me too. It was REALLY repetitive, and it was hard to get through and easy to put down. I’d read a scene then put it down. I’d read another scene. Then a week would go by before I’d read another scene. Fans call it an “easy read.” Well, maybe the prose was easy to understand, but that doesn’t make something easy to read. The idea that freedom and choice is a burden too heavy and onerous for women to bear was offensive. Defenders of the book say, “But without all the smut, it’s a great story. It’s a love story!” They say this with a straight face. The story is stupider than the smut! We are so messed up and secretive about sex in this society that we can’t distinguish what’s the abusive part of this story. It’s not the type of sex that’s abusive - that was consensual and honest. It was the relationship that was twisted and unhealthy.

I wonder…and would like to discuss with anyone who thinks they know…what it is that women these days see in this sort of relationship. Twilight was a hit for a lot of the same reasons. Take out the kink and it’s the same relationship: control, protectiveness, loss of free will, no self-respect, irrational “humility,” and leaving your life for a beautiful guy who has everything. Why is regressing back to inequality such a fantasy that it’s taking literature by storm? What is it about society and women today? Is it that men are such metros and we want someone strong? A protector? Security? I think a lot of it is the desire to feel wanted and lovely. Christian Grey and Edward Cullen both gush to their women about how perfect they are and desire them fiercely. They lavish them with gifts. That’s probably a lot of it and that’s sad. Call me crazy, but when you look to men alone to provide you with a feeling of being beautiful and worthwhile, as well as security, that’s a scary place to be. I hope we get out of it.

Maybe it’s sheltered women fascinated with the idea of something besides “vanilla” sex. For the “mommies” who love this “mommy porn,” maybe this is their first introduction to BDSM and that thrills them. I read my first book with BDSM scenes at 13. And yeah, I was fascinated. I agree that this is too young to be reading stuff like this though, and in all fairness at least my teen book choices had plot/action/good characters, unlike this. I’m not reading the next one. I don’t know why I read this one in the first place. I deserve to suffer for even buying it. Sadly, I bought it on Kindle so I can’t even recycle it for toilet paper. I feel like I know what happens: Ana wallows in near-suicidal grief over her breakup until they get back together. Then she teaches him how to really love and treat her. She gives him a real heart. Yep. Because this is all fantasy, no reality, no truth.

Book grade: F-

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey post 7

Chapters 12-13

Ana is freaked from her internet research on BDSM and goes for a run to blow off some steam. This book DOES know that the contract is legally unenforceable, and so does Christian. I wonder if E.L. James knew that or if the publisher let her know… If she knew, I’m mildly impressed. Mildly. Ana emails Christian a joke: “It was nice knowing you.” He (very reasonably) thinks this means that Ana is rejecting his proposal and comes over. He “uses sex like a weapon,” according to E.L. James, so we see him have sex with Ana, sensing her remaining desire for him. He ties her hands with his necktie again, but this time he ties them to the bed too. He also feeds her wine from his mouth to hers. That’s fine. Is there going to be a sex scene between these two where she doesn’t climax? Probably not, even though I hear that’s not normal.

Ana thinks, “He wants me, and this does strange, delicious things to my insides. Not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen, not evil Mrs. Robinson. Me. This beautiful man wants me. My inner goddess glows so bright she could light up Portland.” Once again, you should never question why someone wants you if they want you. You should never let someone treat you badly or not commit to you because you think they are out of your league. You should never let your head get so spun that someone wanting you and feeling desirable makes you feel like you’re in love with that person as a person. You’re not in love with them. You’re in love with how they make you feel about yourself. That’s not ideal.

They discuss Mrs. Robinson, the older woman who seduced Christian. That’s Ana’s nickname for her and Christian thinks it’s very clever. Ana doesn’t want Christian to put a collar on her like Mrs. Robinson did to Christian. During the discussion, Ana becomes really jealous and tells Christian to leave. Ana has what she calls a “paradigm shift.” In context, it was the wrong phrase to use. Anyway, Ana starts to consider that Christian can’t give her what she wants: An actual relationship where he could love her forever. Since this book is a female fantasy, I can only guess that later in the trilogy, Christian comes around and decides that Ana is so amazing, beautiful, strong, and unique that she is the woman who will change him into the monogamous type.

It’s normal for Ana to want this. In reality, he probably wouldn’t change. And guess what? Once Ana became familiar to him, he would get bored and leave her or cheat. Call me a pessimist. I don’t care. But people don’t become faithful or get character overnight, just because they want to sleep with you or think things are different this time. Ana cries and Kate comes in to comfort her, stating that Ana never cries. Oh, she’s so perfect and strong. Kate brushes Ana’s hair. That’s not really the type of roommate relationships I’ve had…and I was close with my roommates. Ana sends Christian a pretty firm email about her questions and the parts of the contract she would reject. This is admirable. She shuts down the possibility of both fisting and genital clamps.

Ana finds out that her mother can’t come to her college graduation, but her stepdad and father figure, Ray, will be there. Ana goes to work, tells Paul she has a date with Christian Grey, and then comes home to get ready. She thinks, “I rarely wear makeup- it intimidates me.” What is intimidating about makeup? She wears a dress for a change and does her hair. Kate says she looks hot. When she meets Christian, he approves too. Christian keeps telling Ana to stop biting her lip. It happens like three times per chapter. WE GET IT. She turns him on! She’s innocent, unbelievably sexy, and a rich, handsome man wants to consume her. They discuss the contract. Ana thinks Christian is a control freak gone mad for drug testing his employees. Actually, Ana, that’s normal and smart.

Christian makes it clear that Ana can walk away from him at any time. Then why even HAVE that part in the contract? Later in the dinner when Ana rises to leave early, he says, “I could make you stay.” Those are some mixed (and scary) messages. In real life, she should run. In these books, it’s probably going to all turn out perfectly. I actually learned something from this book: You aren’t supposed to chew oysters. That’s what I was doing wrong the one time I tried them…bleck. Ana thinks, “My head is swimming with all his words…there is so much information, so much to process.” Um, not really. There is hardly any info in this conversation. She’s just befuddled with lurrve.

Christian says, “If you were my Sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those decisions, all the wearying thought processes behind them. The ‘is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now?’ You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom.” Can I kill him now? Is that appealing to people? I know lots of women want to feel safe above all else, and most people are unhappy when they have many options, as opposed to just a few, but MAN. I know free will and decisions are a heavy responsibility, but it’s part of life and learning wisdom. I don’t even know what to think of those lines. I’d love to ask the author why she put them in there. What was she trying to get at? Was she trying to make Christian look bad? Or was she trying to make him sexy and strong?

When Ana’s car pulls up, Christian is appalled that it’s so old and not very nice. Ugh, I HATE when guys criticize a girl’s material objects. Like that matters! It makes guys come across as shallow, petty, materialistic, rude, snobby, and creepy. I had one guy criticize my makeup. I thought it was so gross. Also, he was wrong/that makeup is awesome. Then he was fired from his place of work for telling kids about his sexual history and threesomes. I was not surprised. One date made fun of my sunglasses, which don’t matter to me. I just wear the sunglasses my family buys me, and I only care if they block the sun. Also, I am told that Raybans are cool. It’s not manly to criticize this stuff, and it isn’t polite. It makes the guy look like he was wonky priorities and poor manners. So yeah, I hate that so much. She likes her car, Christian. Screw you.

Ana cries the whole way home. She’s really stressed about this situation. On the one hand, Christian isn’t promising a real relationship, but months of role playing and lots of sex. On the other, Ana loves feeling desired, she likes sex, and she’s very attracted to Christian. At one point, Ana thinks, “Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged. Jane Eyre too frightened.” Ana, those are two of the greatest female role models in the history of fiction. If Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged and it would offend Jane Eyre’s mighty integrity, walk out the door. That should be a life motto. I also balk at the idea that Jane Eyre would just be scared. She would be outraged too. She just wouldn't want anything to do with someone who valued her so little. Ana mentions her “inner goddess” several times in these chapters. I think I’m going to start counting them. 

Ern Reads 50 Shades of Grey post 6

I hate this book. I hate these characters. I’m 100% certain that I won’t be reading the sequel. I've learned my lesson: If the milk smells rotten, don't drink the whole gallon to make sure it is. I can probably plow through the rest of this one, and I should so that I can diss it with authority. So if you have been enjoying the posts, don’t worry about me just quitting halfway through the book. It’s just two chapters at a time. I sat next to a woman on an airplane earlier this summer, and she was talking about this book. She had to be around 60 and a cute little old lady. She was telling this woman about how shocking the book was and how she didn’t know that people were into this sort of thing.

Maybe this says more about me than it says about the book, but nothing mentioned so far is outside my area of knowledge. Secondhand knowledge, of course. It’s so strange how things can change in a generation (note the 40-year difference between us). Through the media, our generation is flooded with sexual images, messages, and options, and it would be hard to stay ignorant even if you wanted to. I was trying to sleep and this woman said, “One of the reasons my husband liked me when I was younger was that I was so innocent and naïve about this sort of thing.” Of course that’s why he liked you. Ugh.

Chapters 10-11

Ana meets Christian’s mom, who is delighted that he isn’t gay. Apparently, Ana is the first of his girls she has met. Number 16. Christian gives Ana a full copy of the contract she is to consider and sign, and he tells her to do internet research on the sex acts he desires. She says she doesn’t have her own laptop and uses the computers at school or borrows Kate’s. WHAT?!! She’s graduating college and she doesn’t have her own computer? How has she survived? How has she entertained herself? I’m at a loss. I didn’t have internet for a week once, and it about killed me. Christian says he will send her one to borrow. Christian’s servant dude, Taylor, looks at Ana with pity. He probably knows Christian is odd.

Christian takes Ana to lunch and tells her that when he was 15, he was seduced by one of his mom’s older friends. This woman made him the submissive to her dominant, so he knows firsthand what Ana is going to feel. This is supposed to explain Christian, I guess. Since he was “abused” (as Ana puts it) in his teens and never had regular sex, his appetites were set early. What’s weird is that he still sees this woman and they are friends. His mother doesn’t know. Dear Lord, I want to meet this woman. I like having an explanation like this. My mom once told me that an older woman can really mess a younger guy up. We also find out that Christian is always monogamous in his “relationships.”

When Christian drops her off, Ana tells him that she’s wearing his underwear. His jaw drops and Ana’s “inner goddess is thrilled.” I wish you guys could see my facial expressions as I read this book. I cringe outwardly. Ana is allowed to tell Christian that she slept with him, but not much else. Kate is in love with Elliot. Ana has interviews for intern placements at two publishing houses, due to her good GPA. Of course Ana has a good GPA. She didn’t have the internet to distract her! Also, lest you forget, she is perfect. Kate’s brother, Ethan, comes up in Ana’s mind. Ana inwardly describes him as “such a lovely guy.” Do I smell a Jacob? A triangle?

Jose calls Ana and asks her about Christian. “Is it about the money?” he asks. Ana: “Jose, how dare you!” Of course not. It’s about the hotness. That’s one reason I can’t like this book. The reasons Ana and Christian like each other are as shallow as they get. She’s hot and he’s hot (and rich and mysterious and powerful). Now, that’s fine for a first attraction, but I firmly believe that you should love the other person for who they are before you sleep with them or put that kind of trust in them. Call me old-fashioned. Ana goes into her room to read her contract, which I cannot take seriously. This contract is unenforceable because its enforcement would violate public policy. I love when a law degree helps me hate 50 Shades of Grey….

The contract covers monogamy, STDs, and repeats the food, clothing, and exercise portions we saw before. Why we needed to see those again is beyond me, although I couldn’t help but note that Christian didn’t make the changes Ana requested on the exercise bit. The contract says, “The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the Submissive.” You know what submission probably is? Mommy and Daddy issues. I don’t know much about why BDSM people do what they do, and I can’t prove jack diddly, but I’m thinking it’s because there was something in their childhood that hasn’t yet been worked out. It’s been said before and I totally agree that romantic relationships bring up your childhood trauma and issues you didn’t know you had.

This kind of relationship is a sexual relationship mixed with a parent-child relationship. It’s like these people need to relive portions of that, including the spankings/corporal punishment parts. For the Dominant, it’s as simple as power and control. Dear God, I hope Christian never has kids. The contract also says, “The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant.” So yeah, a) unenforceable, and b) messed up. The Dominant can flog, spank, whip, or corporally punish as he sees fit in order to discipline the Submissive or for no reason at all, provided he doesn’t leave permanent marks or injure her to the point that she would need medical attention.

I think the craziest part of the contract is that the Submissive can’t look the Dominant in the eye and must address him formally. Her eyes must remain downcast. What. The. Eff. Wow, this would not be for me. I’m all about eye contact. Eye contact and actually knowing someone are so much sexier than games and control. Ana must “maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant.” Aw HELL no. Ana also has to take birth control, which is funny, because birth control has hormones that can change who you are attracted to and make you want more sensitive men. In reality, the birth control would make her less attracted to Christian. Also, Ana can’t masturbate or touch Christian without permission. MY TORSO IS MY OWN. There are safewords, which is good.

Then there is a list of sexual acts that Christian wants. They include genital and nipple clamps. AHHH. Let it be known, throughout the world, that Ern will never have anything to do with clamps. Ouch. How is that sexy? No freaking way. Not no way, not no how. No spanking either. I already had a dad, thanks. I don’t want to sleep with one. Ana is understandably shocked and disgusted, but an email and new computer from Christian the next day changes her mood. Christian’s flirtation is truly awful, in that it is nauseating and stupid. Maybe it’s just that I hate ALL flirting though. Just be genuine. I hate coyness. Ana starts with Wikipedia and looks up “submissive.” She’s thrown by the results. I’m always so glad when two chapters of this book is over. It’s not even a good STORY, even if you took out the sex stuff. 

Ern Reads 50 Shades of Grey post 5

Chapter 8-9

It's business...it's business time. If anyone cares, that video is gonna be my facebook status on my wedding night. So, yeah, sex advisory warning. They are going to bone, and I am going to talk about it. Nothing too weird yet. It's just hipsters being boring and not all that sexy. If you thought Ana being a virgin would make Christian throw her out so that she could get to know a more normal guy for her first experience, you thought wrong. Instead, Christian decides to make an exception for this virgin beauty and have sex without all the kinky stuff. He’s training her, you see. They do it normally. I’ve read sex scenes in books that got my rocks off. This ain’t it. I just can’t forget how dumb this book is long enough to enjoy it. We find out that Ana has never masturbated. What kind of human is this?!! Christian says, “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” Ana thinks, “Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive.” YEAH, that’s just brilliant. He’s a regular Casanova with poetry like that.

Sidenote: Remember how I called Ana a hipster? Well, Christian wears Converse shoes. A match made in heaven. Also, how does that match the rest of his wardrobe and character? It really doesn’t. Ana is wearing them too, until Christian takes them off. Anyway, they mash against each other. Ana thinks, “I feel his erection, which he languidly pushes into me.” According to the dictionary, languidly means “lacking energy or vitality; weak; Showing little or no spirit or animation; listless; lacking vigor or force; slow.” That is one sad peen you’ve got there, Mr. Grey. He goes to town on her nipples, trying to see if he can make her orgasm just stimulating those. Apparently he can?? After that, she gets fingered. Then he takes his pants off for the actual devirginization of Ana. (I know that’s not a word. This book is getting to me.)

Christian is, of course, a man of “considerable length.” He doesn’t take his shirt off. Aw, come on. That’s not right. I’d make him take it off. He’s such a freaking jerk. He says, “Do you really want to do this?” Then when she agrees, he’s all, “I’m going to f*** you now. Hard.” Then he “slams into her.” OUCH. It’s her first time. Jeez. Seriously? I know he always says, “I don’t make love. I f***,” but couldn’t he have made an exception for a girl’s first time. That hurts. Arschloch. She’s more than okay with it though. “He pounds on.” That’s in quotes because the book actually says that. She has another orgasm. When they are done, she can’t stop grinning. He finally takes off his shirt, after she asks why he’s still wearing it. She wants it again. He takes her from behind this time, saying, “You are mine. Only mine. Don’t forget it.” I think I’m gonna spare you the play-by-play of this round.

The next morning, Ana is “sore, deliciously sore.” Christian seems sad this morning and doesn’t like his naked torso touched. This is so far from the weirdest thing about this guy that I wouldn’t even be fazed if I didn’t get an explanation of why this is. Doubtless I will though. Ana’s “subconscious” has awoken and it is chastising her for giving her virginity to a man who doesn’t love her and wants to make her some sort of kinky sex slave. I don’t know what Ana thinks the word “subconscious” means, but I’m gonna go ahead and call that voice her “common sense.” She texts a worried Kate, puts her hair in pigtails, puts on her iPod, and starts cooking breakfast while dancing. Christian comes out in time to make innuendo and insist Ana finish her breakfast, since he has a problem with wasted food. He said today will be oral training, since she’s sore.

They go take a bath together and Ana gives her first BJ. Since she’s perfect (ugh), she does it great the first time, swallowing and everything. Christian marvels that she must not even have a gag reflex! Yeah, she’s not human. The blow job bath scene was kind of boring to me. Then Christian takes Ana to his bedroom to return the favor. He asks her to say “yes” to his arrangement, and she nods. He ties her hands with a silver tie and…well…returns the favor. He licks her feet a bunch first though. THAT’S SANITARY. Alright, I guess they did just take a bath. Ana calls the feet licking “too erotic.” When it’s all over, Christian hears his mother’s voice outside, arguing with one of his servants. Clearly, Christian has some weird childhood or past issues involving food and his torso. Believe it or not, I’m curious to know what they are. I’m gonna have to wade through a bunch of porn to find out though. At least we get to meet his mother now. 

Ern Reads 50 Shades of Grey post 4

By Meul (Meul) (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

I read these chapters while I blew my hair dry the other day. That’s how long it takes to dry my hair. #thickhairproblems. There has been some controversy because someone said that Matt Bomer can’t play Christian Grey because he is gay. I totally disagree because, as his defenders have said, gay men can play straight roles just like straight people can play gay ones. Also, it might be nice for the actress to have a gay man act with her, so that she can feel more comfortable doing the out-of-the-ordinary things this movie would require. Also also, Matt Bomer is the best-looking man alive.

Chapters 6-7

Sigh. These chapters. I don’t even…They were weird. Christian drives Ana to her duplex, and on the way, they listen to Lakme. Good opera taste, Mr. Grey. Elliot Grey is there, having just boned Kate, who is very happy about that. Methinks she got the nice, normal brother. Ana still can’t see what Christian sees in “mousey” old her. We get it, E.L. James. Christian flies Ana to his home that night, in his helicopter. His love of strapping her into the harness so that she couldn’t move much should have tipped her off to Christian’s predilections. We get some boring pages where he flies the helicopter and speaks into his headphones. Then we get a boring description of his lavish pad. Like Edward Cullen, Christian can play the piano. Ana signs a nondisclosure agreement so Christian can show her the dangerous, awful thing that’s going to make her run away. After she signs it, he shows her his bedroom that’s full of chains, whips, and medieval stuff. 

Ana is shocked, but not deterred. He shows her a bedroom where she would stay if she agrees to the arrangement he will propose. They go into the dining room to discuss what Christian showed her. He says that he doesn’t do relationships, but he will lavish her with clothing so that she can look good in the bedroom and accompany him to functions, as a date. She would live with him on weekends and sign a sex agreement. Ana asks Christian if has trouble getting women to let him dominate them. He says, “You’d be amazed.” Actually, I am amazed at how many women get their rocks off reading this stuff. I’d be lying if I said my imagination never went there once or twice, but a) it imagines the girl being the dominant just as much and b) it’s not this extreme. There are no medieval torture devices or spanking/beatings. I think a spanking would just remind me of my dad. Not sexy. 

I mean…dude. I’m just amazed that MILLIONS of women want to read something that looks like it’s going to be some seriously hardcore S&M porn. I don't even know if I can handle it. Or if I SHOULD handle it. And I'm a dirty bird, guys, mentally. To think, the old lady living next door to me, the college girl, and the librarian want to read this, and I'm kind of wanting to back away from it. Wow, I actually found something about this book that I’m interested in: I want to know what it is, psychologically, that drives women to this book. I want to know what modern mindset makes this the #1 bestseller today. Where is our consciousness at that women secretly think about a man hurting and controlling them in the bedroom? And is it healthy? And how does it tie in with the sex drive? Is it just curiosity? Did the messed-up parts of Twilight ease them into it?

Christian whips out a contract that has his rules. Ana has to obey him at all times and without hesitation, get at least seven hours of sleep a night when she isn’t at Christian’s, eat regularly from a prescribed list of foods and not snack on anything other than fruit (I would be OUT of there at that one), wear clothes picked out by Christian, exercise four times a week, wax herself (ouch), refrain from drinking/recreational drugs/smoking/danger, and sleep only with Christian. If she breaks the rules, it will “result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant.” Ugh. This is far from romantic. They negotiate a little about the exercise portion. Ana only wants to exercise three times a week. Hipsters don’t exercise!

Then Christian outlines his list of the things he won’t do. His “hard limits” during sex. He has a few of mine listed, I noted with some amusement. We wouldn’t do anything involving urination or defecation, and nothing with kids or animals. The rest of the stuff is odd. He doesn’t like “acts involving fire play.” He vetoes fire twice. Is he afraid of fire? Or just sane? I hope he’s afraid of fire. Ana is amazed that this stuff has to be written down. As are we. Christian asks Ana to add her “no’s” to the list. Ana tells him that she can’t think of anything because she’s a virgin. This is going to be a problem. He gets angry and says, “Why the f*** didn’t you tell me?”

Other comments: You have to give the guy credit for being totally upfront about all this. He handles it pretty professionally. He wants Ana to agree, in advance, to the things that she finds uncomfortable, and he really puts all his cards on the table. Is this what “true love” looks like? Probably not. Do I know what it is? No, I have no idea about any of this. I know that his control of her outside the bedroom and his love of power concern me and cannot, in any way, reflect love or a good relationship. But he says this isn’t a relationship. It’s play. It’s sating his desire. And he’s been completely honest about everything. I heard that people in the S&M community say this book doesn’t reflect healthy S&M community practices, that it is bad for S&M, and that it’s abusive. We haven’t really gotten into the sex, but at some point I am going to research what their exact problems with Christian Grey’s habits are and how real S&M differs. It should be awkward, but we don’t want to end up as naïve as Ana, now do we?

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey post 3

AJ Ashton

I'm starting to regret reading this book. I may stop. But I want to get to the sex part and see how horrible it is. 

Chapters 4-5

Grey warns Ana that he’s not the guy for her and that she should steer clear of him. Just like Edward Cullen. Since Grey didn’t want to kiss Ana, she sits on the floor of the parking garage and sobs after he leaves. Okay. I hate her. She blames herself, obviously, because she must have messed it up. Guys, if someone doesn’t want you after one date, it’s not always something you did wrong. Sometimes you’re just not what they are looking for right now, they know it’s a bad match, and they rejected you for something you’d never change anyway. It’s okay.

E.L. James quickly points out that this is the first time Perfect Ana has been rejected. Ana says she never puts herself out there because of “a lifetime of insecurity.” Her insecurities include being too skinny. THAT’S NOT SOMETHING TO BE INSECURE ABOUT THESE DAYS. She’s also “too pale” and “too scruffy.” Scruffy? What’s scruffy? I want to grab this girl, shake her, and shout MY list of insecurities at her. Those are real, dammit, and they aren’t all physical. It’s much worse to be insecure about your character or personality.

Ana finishes school the next day and thinks she might go out and get drunk for the first time! Ugh. If Ana is going to be the epitome of untouched innocence in every way, I’m going to need an explanation. There needs to be a reason she’s this way. Maybe she was sick for a long time as a child, was raised Mormon, was homeschooled for a long time, has social anxiety, had a controlling parent, or lived in a really small town. These are the things that could make this innocence thing not stupid. Grey sends her some expensive first edition old books with a quote that warns her away from him. Kate says the f-word, and Ana giggles. I’m surprised her precious ears didn’t burn off.

They go to a bar and Ana gets drunk. She drunk dials Grey (who tracks her cell phone on the internet). Jose makes a pass and keeps trying to kiss Ana, even though she clearly says no. Grey shows up just in time to be the hero. Ana vomits. Grey takes her back inside for water, while Grey’s brother, Elliot, romances Kate. Elliot actually seems alright so far. Grey dances with Ana. Ana thinks, “My mother said never to trust a man who can dance.” Umm, probably because it means they are gay. Ana passes out and wakes up in Grey’s hotel room. She doesn’t have that bad of a hangover. B-frickin-S. If you drink so much you pass out (not recommended), your hangover is hell and it lasts for two days. Perfect girls don’t get hangovers, I guess.

Grey talks to her, in a fatherly way. Ana calls him a courtly knight, and Grey answers that he’s more of a dark knight. Aw HELL no. Grey is not Batman. I resent the implication. He says, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.” Ana doesn’t react to this at all, even in her inner monologue. Did she not hear this? If I heard this from a guy, I would run from his room screaming. What the heck? Ana tells Grey she wants him, despite his warnings. He says she has to actually sign consent forms before he touches her. Well…that’s good. And weird. Grey says that tonight, Ana will show her everything and then she will run for the hills. They get in an elevator together so that they can take his private helicopter (that he can fly) to dinner. In the elevator, he decides to forget the paperwork long enough to pin her arms and kiss her.

Another thing that’s bugging me is that Ana is always like: “How could the Christian Grey want inferior old me! How could I be worthy? It boggles the mind. Oh, my, this Greek god wants me.” If someone loves you, it’s best not to question why or idolize them because the world thinks that person is too good for you. You’re two people. You’re equals. No one is more valuable. Looks and money are temporary things. If someone loves you, you have something you need. Thinking you’re unworthy and feeling insecure is a way to ruin everything for no reason. 

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey post 2

Those cheapos at Kindle couldn’t even give me two full chapters to decide if I should read this garbage. I decided to go for it and buy the rest of the book, since my mom not only fed me, but offered me a book in exchange for doing her a favor (it involved using the internet for her. Older people are bad at that). Also, it was only 10 bucks. Another piece of fortunate news is that I can read this book while drinking because it requires little thought. When you’re drinking, this book gets better, no lie. Recommended. And look, I’m not going to completely vilify this on purpose. I GET that you guys know this isn’t Pride and Prejudice. I get that people reading this are reading it solely for entertainment, fun, and titillation. There’s no need for me to be a huge snob. I read junk all the time. I’ve read the entire Captain Underpants series. But you also have read good stuff too, at some point, you know? I’ll give it a chance. So far, Twilight's relationship is just as abusive. Well...so far. If the book legitimately turns me on or cures my boredom, I’ll like it. And I like making detailed book posts. Maybe I’ll do it for every #1 bestseller from now on. I’LL DO IT FOR J.K. ROWLING’S UPCOMING BOOK!

Chapter 2 continued

Ana and Grey are still at Clayton’s hardware store when Paul, the youngest brother of Ana’s boss, comes in and says hi to Ana. He goes to Princeton, is home on break, and has a crush on Ana. He asks her out every time he comes home and she always says no. It makes sense that Ana is insecure and doesn’t know Grey likes her, right? Literally every man in the book so far (Christian, Jose, and Paul) has wanted Ana. That’s one of the hallmarks of a Mary Sue (having all the male characters sexually desire the character). A Mary Sue is a stand-in for the author where the author gets to be as cool as she wants to be. It’s kind of a sad thing to do, as a writer, and it’s one of the hardest things to avoid, since we’re so ego-driven as humans.

Lots of writers have themselves in their books, in some form, but the best ones write their faults in or make themselves otherwise imperfect or complicated. Like, when Stephen King writes himself into The Dark Tower, he is still an alcoholic riddled with fear. E.L. James is perfect, and her big problem is that she doesn’t know it yet. Oh, and she’s a little clumsy. Ana always wears jeans and only has one skirt because it is beneath E.L. James to be feminine or care about her appearance. Girls who wear skirts try and femininity is inferior to tomboyishness and masculinity. There are moments where I like Ana, but you can’t truly like someone who is so unreal, void of faults or….shades of gray. Anyway, Paul puts his arm around Ana. Grey acts jealous and leaves. Ana admits to herself that she has a crush.

Chapter 3

This is the first chapter I hated. I counted six eye rolls. It was boring and repetitive. It was full of clumsiness, Kate making clear Ana was innocent, flushing, hand-holding, insecurity, Ana thinking Grey is hot, hearts racing, and Grey being a douche. Kate wants to photograph Grey, so Ana has to call him and set up an appointment. Grey is available the next morning at a swanky hotel. Jose comes along to do the photography. After the shoot, Grey asks Ana to go with him for coffee and she agrees, still frantically questioning in her mind why Grey likes her or if he even likes her. Kate pulls Ana aside and warns her that she thinks Grey is “dangerous,” especially to someone as innocent as Ana. Ana is rightly annoyed and goes on the date.

Ana gets tea and they begin to talk to each other like they did in the initial interview. Confrontational questions. Answers that avoid truth and substance. Grey likes that Ana is mysterious. We’re sure Ana feels the same way about him. More teasing. More flushing. Comments on the flushing. Grey makes sure Ana isn’t dating either Paul or Jose. Grey doesn’t ask Ana to call him by his first name, even though he calls her “Anastasia.” It’s a control thing, of course. Apparently, some women are turned on by controlling men. I think it’s more the idea of a controlling man because it feels safe. Once you actually live under a controlling man’s reign, you change your mind because you feel like he’s taking your humanity.

And look, it’s different if the controlling behavior is limited to one place, and you both agree it’s appropriate there. People have different strengths. If one person is good with money, that person in the couple should take care of all the bills. It’s the same in the bedroom. If there are roles that each member of the couple feels comfortable with, by all means, play them for as long as they work and as long as you are both enjoying it. It’s when controlling behavior permeates every aspect of the relationship and takes over the life of the submissive partner that things are scary and disrespectful. Obviously, Christian Grey is a guy who is controlling everywhere. She can’t call him by his first name. They aren’t even sleeping together yet! This is real life. This is human interaction.

They talk about their parents, and they don’t like it or reveal much. Ana had a good stepfather. At least there aren’t gonna be a bunch of daddy issues driving her future poor decisions… Ana says she wants to go to England, so of course a trip to England with Grey is in her future. Ana asks Grey if he has a girlfriend, and he says he doesn’t do the girlfriend thing. That would send me running, but Ana just wants a smooch. She’s only 21, so I’ll give her a break. She trips and almost dies or something, giving him an opportunity to catch her, and my eyes rolled so hard that I’m surprised they aren’t stuck that way. You guys…this man’s name is Christian. But I don’t think he’s a Christian. Hahahaha. Okay, I think I’m funny. Sidenote: This book is LONG. I’m only 9% through it. I didn’t know it was so long. Phew, I need more beer.

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey

If you’ve read this blog for a long period of time, you’re probably asking “why?” Sure, sure, I hate Twilight, and this started out as Twilight fan fiction. Sure, I hate horrible writing, senseless/shallow romance, unhealthy/abusive relationships, and stupidity. Sure, I said I would never read this, and I'm kind of a feminist. BUT, one of my friends says I'm being unfair dissing the books. She says, "You can’t knock it until you try it," which is something I said to get this friend to read Harry Potter. My own words, used against me! While a college teacher of mine (who I actually learned a lot from) made the excellent point that you don’t have to drink a whole carton of sour milk to know it’s spoiled, if you want the book's fans to take your criticism seriously, you have to read it. Plus, Leeard wants me to read it/check it out for her, because she thinks I will be less weirded out by the kink. I usually have no problem with kink. Mostly though, I think it will be funny. Reading the book should probably only take about three hours to read anyway. You don’t have to have read the books to follow this post, but know that I’m going to spoil the first book to hell and back. Let's try the Kindle sample.

Chapter 1

We meet “Anastasia Steele,” a Bella Swan stand-in and college student. So far, the writing isn’t terrible (surprised I would say that?), but the prose isn’t what you would call interesting or artful either. That’s okay because it’s easy to read, it’s entertaining, and it serves its purpose. I've read a lot worse. As soon as we meet her, Ana laments that her blue eyes are “too big for her face.” Umm. There’s no such thing as eyes that are too big for a girl’s face. Big eyes are attractive. They make you look innocent, and dudes like that. Ana sounds cute, but, like Bella Swan, she isn’t allowed to know she’s cute. Whatever.

Ana has to go do an interview with billionaire businessman Christian Grey because her journalist roommate, Kate, is sick and needs a stand-in. Ana lives in Washington state. Yep. Still Washington. Ms. James couldn’t even change the location from Twilight. Ana arrives in Seattle to interview Christian, who hires blonde women to guard him at the office. Ana makes a big deal in her head about the blonde assistants. 

But I actually wasn’t hating the whole book yet, which surprised me. I was enjoying myself. But then, disaster: When Ana walks into Mr. Grey’s office, she trips over her own feet and falls to the ground. Ugh. Clumsy women?!! Really? Don’t we have enough of those in freaking chick flicks? As cracked.com has pointed out, one annoying way to have a perfect female character who isn’t actually perfect is to make her fall down all the time. It’s stupid and lazy. It gives Christian a chance to touch her right away though, as he helps her up with “strong and gentle hands.”

The interview with Christian Grey starts. Naturally, he is young and hot. Ana acts all nervous and Christian teases her. Christian is arrogant and Ana gets rude. Gumption? Naw. She called him a control freak (oh ho, she has no idea). That’s no way to perform your roommate’s interview. You listen to the egomaniac, write it all down, and deliver it to the journalist so that she can write a piece about what an ass he is. Calling a rich, arrogant guy a control freak is a way to a) get thrown out of his office, or b) get him to see you as something he must conquer into submission. I wonder which one Christian picks. /sarcasm.

Christian says, “Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.” Ughh, he’s unbearable. Edward Cullen sucked, but this guy is even worse. During the interview, there’s a lot of nonsense like flushing, heated and steady gazes, and eyebrow raisings. The sparks are flying, even though Ana isn’t impressed with his character. I bet she sleeps with him. He says her name and her heartbeat accelerates. Ana thinks, “He is beautiful. No one should be this good looking.” The questions Kate prepared aren’t good and Ana doesn’t get to ask very many.

We find out that Christian is adopted and has a brother and sister. He has a weird reaction to the question, “Are you gay?” He inhales sharply. Perhaps because he thought it was a disrespectful question? Or one that is too personal? Either way, I think that part should have been omitted. Christian clearly and immediately wants Ana for her youth, rudeness, and cuteness. This goes over her head. Christian cancels his next meeting to finish up with Ana, and now he wants to know about her. He doesn’t get much information, so Ana retains her mystery. As she leaves, Christian touches her shoulders and teases/flirts a little more. Ana calls him by his first name after he uses hers, and then the elevator doors close for her to leave. Way to go, Ana. Now he has to dominate you.

At this point I’m wondering if I can bear this assclown for more chapters. Sidenote: Christian Grey’s eyes are…wait for it…gray.

Chapter 2

Ana rushes out of the building and has what sounds like a mini panic attack. No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. She calls her reaction “irrational.” Get a brain. He paid attention to you, touched you, flirted with you, and tried to offer you an internship. Plus, he’s hot, rich, powerful, and confident. Even a girl who legitimately hated him and would never sleep with him would be a little affected. There’s no drug like power and control, and no charisma like that of those who have it.

Ana works at Clayton’s, a hardware store in the Portland area, where she stocks shelves. Snore. She should have taken that job. Portland…I wonder if Ana is a hipster. Kate listens to the tape and transcribes it. She picks up on Christians obvious crush on Ana. We have a non-idiot female in the house! Ana doesn’t believe her because she’s a simpleton in this area. Kate says, “Even you can’t be immune to his looks.” That establishes that Ana is picky with guys. Possibly virginal. Of course she’s that way. Ana thinks it’s because she’s read too many classic books with better men. Okay, I can sympathize with that. Kate pounds the point in further with, “You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first.” Ugh, unnecessary.

Friday night, Ana’s photographer friend, Jose, comes to see her. Photographer. Yep, I think we’re dealing with hipsters here. Plus, Ana says, “Organized group activities aren’t really my thing” in this chapter. Jose invites Ana and Kate to a gallery opening where I just know Christian Grey is going to be. If E.L. James is smart (and hey, she’s sold a lot of books, so maybe she is), she’ll build up lots of romantic tension before Ana and Christian sleep together. It won’t happen at least until the middle of the book. Even though Ana thinks she is undesirable, she knows that Jose wants to be more than friends. Like a lot of girls, she’s okay with leaving him in limbo, suffering, because she gets a good guy friend and free emotional support. Bitchy.

Christian Grey visits Ana at the hardware store on Saturday to buy cable ties, rope, and masking tape. That’s not creepy at all! /sarcasm. Man, if this were a horror book, it could be really good. I’d like to give these first two chapters to Stephen King and just have him finish the book. What is with some female writers and “long-fingered hands” on guys? E.L. James has mentioned the long fingers more than three times now. I never really look at a dude and go, “Cute, BUT WAIT, does he have the long fingers I so desire?” Long fingers. The epitome of sexiness. Psh. Christian says he is in Portland to visit a farming division where he is funding research. Has he seen Food Inc.? Stop messing with the food, people.

Christian Grey obviously needs these items for his kinky sex, something he makes clear when he says he can use these items while he’s naked. This goes completely over Ana’s head, and Christian loves this. WHY DO GUYS LIKE STUPID GIRLS WITH THE MINDS OF BABIES? I’ll admit, I love guys with an innocent streak as much as guys love innocent girls, but this is really pushing it. Ana is in college. Get the message, woman. Ana tells Christian that Kate needs original photographs of him for her article. He gives her a “lost look.” What? Christian gives Ana his card with his cell phone number.

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Then my Kindle says, “END OF THIS SAMPLE KINDLE BOOK. ENJOYED THE SAMPLE? BUY NOW.” Hmm. Do I want to buy this? It’s like 12 bucks. Think of how much Taco Bell I could get with that. I’ll sleep on it. I’m mildly curious to see how awful this gets.

While we're on the subject of books, Tina Fey's Bossypants was hilarious, and I also liked How Should a Person Be by Sheila Heti, even though it was a little self-important. I felt like it was honest. Read the introduction, and if you hate it, you will hate the whole book. Lots of sex and cursing too.