Funny Stuff- But too bad there were no abc comedies this week :(

New Girl - “CeCe Crashes”
We were surprised that the Nick and Jess pairing that will so obviously happen was already addressed. CeCe convinced Jess that Nick has feelings for her, and this freaked Jess out a little too much. That’s not a promising start to a relationship. Schmidt spent the episode trying to “close” with CeCe, and he “succeeded” because they slept in the same bed and held hands. Aww. Actually, we see those two together.

Episode grade: B

Up All Night - “First Night Away”
Reagan and Chris find it hard to find time for sex, so they decide to go away for a night. They get a full night of sleep and some sex. Ava babysat and met Reagan and Chris’ neighbor, Kevin, a single dad. Ava and Kevin hit it off and kissed. We really liked this episode because it made great use of Maya Rudolph, who we usually love. Sometimes her character on this show can be too silly, but this week the character was funny and she fit.

Episode grade: A-

South Park - “A History Channel Thanksgiving”
This was one of the weakest recent South Park episodes, but since the show returned in the fall, it has been really strong, so saying an episode is weak by those standards isn’t much of a diss. This episode mocked The History Channel, Thor, and Thanksgiving. It also mocked people who pretend to be part Native American in order to get the benefits and cool points. The Thor and Natalie Portman stuff was pretty funny.

Episode grade: B

America’s Next Top Model - “Nikos Papadopoulos”
Question: Who the hell has Shannon as their role model? We want to SEE these letters written by young girls to Shannon, because we don’t believe that they exist. The blogger writing this entry actually is a Christian and gets made fun of by the guys in her program for dressing too conservatively and appearing “virginal.” This blogger would like to give a big “Go F yourself” to those guys. Moving on… The reason this blogger doesn’t like Shannon is the same reason Nigel was perplexed by her. It IS semantics. It’s all about whether it’s called a bathing suit or panties? Dumb. It’s morals for no reason. She just looked like a hypocrite in her season, so Shannon wanted to come back and redeem herself by continuing to stand up for morality. Unfortunately for her, the producers didn’t have anyone pose nude this time. We know the show only brought Shannon back for drama, and that’s also the reason they brought out the panties again. She was too old to win. We don’t like rules for the sake of rules. There are plenty of things to stand for without making dumb stuff up. Good riddance. Allison is one step closer.

Episode grade: B-

The Office - “Pam’s Replacement”
Only Dwight could repeatedly grab another man’s crotch and have it be totally not gay. We haven’t like Jim and Pam this much in an episode in a long time, however. They were cute and funny. Pairing these two with Dwight is always a success. If only the Robert California/Kevin/Andy/Daryl band hadn’t gotten so much attention. That wasn’t funny, but that drummer was pretty good.

Episode grade: B-

Parks and Recreation - “The Treaty”
We liked seeing Leslie go bloodthirsty for a bit, and we liked watching Ron whip Tom back into shape, but this episode just wasn’t as funny as this show usually is. It was cool to see Ann tell Chris about how she grew as a person after their relationship. The reason he gave up on her WAS because he got bored, because she had stopped being herself. If Ann can find a way to keep her sarcastic, down-to-earth personality while she is around Chris, there might be hope for them to become a couple again. And this time, to become a good one. He needs someone to mock him every once-in-a-while. Also, the moon should totally be part of the U.N.

Episode grade: B

Community - “Studies in Modern Movement”
We’re getting a little sick of the Shirley vs. Britta religion stuff. One of them needs to convert so that they stop it. Also, the Pierce stuff wasn’t very funny. But the Jeff Winger stuff was fantastic. Way to ruin that Seal song for us! Ok, who are we kidding? That song ruins itself. Guilty pleasure, though, for one of us. The Troy/Abed/Annie plot was sweet. This episode had enough laughs and sweet character moments to make it more than enjoyable.

Episode grade: B+

SAMCRO Puts On the Best Show (and comments on some other dramas this week)

American Horror Story - “Piggy Piggy”
So, school shootings are horror fodder now? We thought that opening scene was more really sad than scary. Also sad was the cutting scene. Where are Violet’s parents when she is clearly depressed and spending too much time in her room? We are really excited that Violet knows that the house is full of ghosts now, and that Tate is a ghost. This whole Tate being a dead school shooter is going to put a crimp in their love… We are also happy that Vivian is done being nice to Ben. “You’re a disappointment as a man.” Wow, haha. Harsh. Cam from Modern Family guest starred as another ghost patient, and he did a great job. We liked the new medium. We feel bad for Tate, because it seems like the murder house warped his brain and helped cause the shooting. He doesn’t remember doing it, after all.

Episode grade: B

The Walking Dead - “Cherokee Rose”
Rick begs Hershel to let everyone stay at his farm. Maggie and Glenn have sex. Lori realizes that she’s pregnant. AMC is the channel for the “slow burn,” as shown by Breaking Bad, and The Walking Dead is going for this. More action, and possibly hope and a plot arc, are probably on the way. In the meantime, people shall grumble that it’s all going slowly and sometimes it can be, at the same time, too bleak and too saccharine. But we’re still invested. We like Rick a lot. When the walker in the well split in two, one of us literally gagged and coughed a little. That was seriously disgusting. Dead guts are nastier than living guts. This show wins the award for grossest show we’ve ever seen, bar none.

Episode grade: B-

Gossip Girl - “I Am Number Nine”
Blair has a “minion-off” where her former “friends” competed for bridesmaids positions. Charlie gets lobbed into the competition when Nelly Yuki doesn’t show, and she wins the spot. Diana and Nate go public while Charlie seems to have developed feelings for him. Serena torpedoes the move deal with Dan when she realizes her boss is going to paint Dan’s character in a negative light. Louis conspires to drive Chuck back into crazytown by bribing Chuck’s therapist. It turns out the baby actually is Louis’. Louis is bad at scheming, so the therapist simply has to close her practice and Blair freaks that Louis is turning into an insecure trickster. Then, the best thing ever happened: Chuck came to Blair and apologized, sincerely, for literally everything wrong he did to her. It was pretty powerful. That scene gets an A+, but the whole episode gets a B. Chuck growing up and healing is just as interesting as Chuck the bad boy. Keep it coming.

Episode grade: B

Ringer - “Maybe We Can Get a Dog Instead”
Andrew thinks that Siobhan had a miscarriage now. Mr. Carpenter does the RIGHT thing and transfers Juliet out of his class when she comes onto him. But Juliet isn’t giving up yet… Malcolm comes to New York and Agent Machado hounds him like he’s Osama Bin Ladin (or whoever the biggest terrorist around now is). Tyler’s affair with Siobhan is over after he comes to New York and sees Bridget with his boss…and thinks it’s Siobhan. Bridget’s new sponsor is tasked with taking care of Malcolm. When Malcolm comes to Bridget for help with his drug addiction, she takes him right to her helpful sponsor. Uh oh… This episode was ok. Things are moving along. The last couple were better.

Episode grade: B-

Sons of Anarchy - “Hands”
This is going to be short, because all there is to say is “OMG” and “this was the best episode of the season so far.”

Episode grade: A

Parenthood - “In-Between”
Seth was actually on the level!!! And he made a major sacrifice for his family and did a sweet thing for his kids. We were touched by this episode. We are also starting to feel for and like Crosby again.

Episode grade: A-

Pan Am - “Truth or Dare”
This could be the best, and most fun, episode yet. The civil rights stuff was too black-and-white and “after school special,” as well-argued by this blog. However, Leeard loves Niko, and it was just a really cute episode.

Episode grade: B+

Weeds Got Renewed!

There will be a season 8 for Weeds. Thank God, because the show could NOT end the way season 7 did.

Glee: I always thought it would be me, but I secretly hoped it would be you

The PTC (a conservative watchdog group) kind of has a point this time. The PTC has a long history to objecting to the sexual activity of fictional people, but we grudgingly nod our heads to the organization regarding this episode. The sex wasn’t graphic at all. In fact, they really didn’t show anything with either couple, except an adorable shot of Blaine and Kurt with their cute little heads together. The PTC wrote, “The fact that Glee intends to celebrate children having sex is reprehensible. The gender of the high school characters involved is irrelevant.” The PTC also noted that more teenage characters are shown having sex on prime time TV than adults, and that Fox knows Glee is marketed toward teens and preteens. It might normalize high school sex for them, and it’s irresponsible to teach them that this is something they should seriously consider doing.

One of us REALLY hates that everyone has to have sex in high school on TV. Like…you don’t have to. We promise. True, some characters don’t (Angela Chase, Felicity), but most do. TV writers and producers live in the world of Hollywood, where it is all fast-paced and all about sex, all the time. That world is about getting what you want, when you want it. It’s about desire and materialism/the physical. So most of these people making the shows have had lots of sex, and a lot of it was probably casual. They want this to be seen as normal. They don’t want to be judged. So they foist their values onto the world through TV, in the hopes that they can influence the culture to think it’s not a big deal to eschew traditional morality. However, it makes it harder for teens who choose to wait until they are emotionally mature enough to handle it. They become freaks and prudes.

The episode was clear with its rules on sex. There were two very obvious plugs for using protection. Rachel even said, “Every modern girl comes prepared.” Otherwise, the writers say that it’s ok to have sex for the first time “if it feels right” and it’s special. We think high school sex is usually a bad idea, because we have BEEN in high school, and we remember what tards we were. And we were considered the smart kids. Experience is everything. In high school, you don’t know dick about life, let alone love. Hormones are in control, and really do affect the way teens think. You don’t know who you are, and you are still creating that and trying to improve your personality. You are still living with your parents. You also do things for the wrong reasons 99% of the time (to fit in, because you want to grow up fast, to get things over with, to look good, to please your parents, etc). Sex is for adults, not children. If you are in high school, you are a child. In the next four years, you will experience changes beyond anything you can currently imagine.

For the characters themselves, in a fictional world, it was the right time. No one was violating any of their values. They waited until they were in love and in a monogamous relationship, and even then, they didn’t give it up right away. Rachel hasn't been throwing herself around. And sex with Rachel is a step up for Finn, since the last girl he had sex with wasn’t exactly the love of his life. As for Kurt and Blaine? How can you go wrong after Burt Hummel’s amazing sex talk? Ryan Murphy said, “I think what it says to a lot of young gay people who are confused and ashamed is that you can get love and are worthy of love.” We like that. We are happy for these couples, and we like them together. We don't think either couple is a "forever" couple though.

This episode was definitely a return to season 1 form. There were only a few main storylines, and old storylines were revisited (Mike, Beiste). No one did anything absolutely ridiculous, except for Artie telling Rachel and Blaine that they needed to have sex in order to play people in love in their high school musical. As if, Artie. That’s ridiculous. Also, no one should be taking sex advice from Artie since he lost his virginity to Brittany, who had to pick him up out of his wheelchair like he was a lady in order to do it and called him by another name the whole time. The worst thing is that Artie was in love with Tina at the time and regretted losing it to Brittany. After rehearsals, Rachel planned to have sex with Finn.

Right before Finn closed in, Rachel hinted that she was doing it for the musical. This hurt Finn’s little feelings, and so he left the situation. Rachel consults Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and Tina and asks them all (at the same time, in one room) if she should have sex or wait. Santana says no, because she thinks Finn was bad in bed. Quinn says that she regretted losing something that she could never get back, and that it makes things more complicated. Brittany was apparently raped at camp or something, and it's really not that funny of a joke. Tina said that her first time with Mike and his abs was magical and that she has no regrets.

Finn is told by the Ohio State recruiter that his football career is over. Ouch. Finn tells Rachel, and then she has sex with him. Meanwhile, Blaine visits the Warblers, and they sing a horrible version of "Uptown Girls" to him, and it’s really gay. The new guy, Sebastian, takes a shine to Blaine and flirts with him rather aggressively. Blaine lets Sebastian know that he has a boyfriend (good, Blaine), and Sebastian invites them both to Scandals, the gay bar. At Scandals, which is a ridiculous name, Blaine gets drunk and dances with Sebastian the whole night. Kurt hangs out at the bar with Max Karofsky, who transferred to a new school for his senior year and is still in the closet. The encounter between the two is friendly. When Blaine and Kurt leave, Kurt puts Blaine in the back seat. Blaine pulls Kurt on top of him and tries to get some sexy time. Kurt gets angry, because this is clearly not the perfect scenario, and refuses. Later, they make up and have sex at Blaine’s house.

West Side Story is finally over! Yay! Now we can probably hear a song from a different musical. The Ohio State recruiter asks Beiste out on a date, with a little nudging from Artie. Mike Chang fights with his father and tells him that he is not going to be a doctor. He is going to be a professional dancer. The father is all, “You’re no longer my son.” And Mike’s all, “Then I guess I don’t have a dad anymore.” Man, mega harsh. Are Asian parents really that strict? Artie gets really controlling as director and clearly loves bossing people around, as well as giving them complexes about their sex lives. Oh Artie, you’re the worst. However, in a position of power, one of us can totally get the same way. It looks like this is one of Damian’s seven episodes, since he was in it for about a second. Cheap. The number “America” was pretty fun. It was Hispanics and Asians v. Whites and Asians. We want Santana’s red dress.

Leeard's grade: C+

Ern's grade: B

Episode grade: B-

An interesting affair, Dexter nearly forgives, Will might get disbarred, best kiss of the year, Taylor's son, and hoarders.

Homeland - “The Good Soldiers”
Brody finally punches his best friend for sleeping with his wife. Then he goes right off and sleeps with Carrie. Can you believe it? The encounter lets Carrie know that Brody is really good at taking polygraphs. Did Saul slip the terrorist the razor blade? THAT would be interesting. On any other show, the new affair would be tawdry and silly. On this show, it’s intense and psychologically sick. We love it.

Episode grade: A-

Dexter - “Just Let Go”
Who knew this Brother Sam thing would actually push Dexter even further to the darkness? He has a new person sitting on his shoulder, like his ghost dad. It’s his amoral serial killer brother. Dexter now believes that his dark passenger runs the show after he took revenge on Brother Sam’s killer. Brother Sam’s death made one of us tear up. When he told Dexter that he could see Dexter’s darkness, but he could see his light too, we got choked up. We kind of feel like that’s what God says to people. Brother Sam was the real deal. He had wanted Dexter to deliver a message of forgiveness. Dexter tried, but when the killer wasn't contrite, Dexter decided to off him. It's Dexter, so we'd really have it no other way. Anyway, it’s going to really rev this season up to see Dexter go off the rails and fight his established rules. His snapping and drowning of the murderer in the same lake where the murderer was baptized was amazing. We’re glad Travis let the girl go, but we are even more glad that Travis and Gellar aren’t the only big bads in town, because they aren’t that scary. The Ice Truck Killer is better.

Episode grade: A-

The Good Wife - “Executive Order 13224”
Peter goes after Will for a past indiscretion that could really hurt his firm and cause him to lose his license. Client trust accounts are no joke. Alicia is almost prosecuted for protecting attorney/client privilege, but she gets a good lawyer of her own. This episode wasn’t the show’s best. We had a hard time getting into it, it felt fragmented, and we didn’t feel like the case got enough attention. However, we liked the guy who investigated Alicia. That was an interesting, fun little character. There wasn't enough Eli Gold either.
Episode grade: B-

How I Met Your Mother - “Disaster Averted”
The gang tells Kevin the fun story about how they survived the August hurricane together. Marshall delivered two slaps to Barney and got two more, in exchange for Barney being allowed to remove the ducky tie. He is about to meet Nora’s parents, after all. But the real news of the night is that Barney and Robin totally kissed! More than kissed! Made out. And it was gorgeous. It wasn’t a flashback either. We kind of feel bad for Kevin but not Nora. It’s half because she’s too pretty and half because she keeps trying to change Barney, and Robin likes Barney for who he is. We are huge Barney/Robin shippers, so we were squealing last night. The Marshall and Lily stuff was funny too. It’s been a while since that happened!
Episode grade: A-

Terra Nova - “Nightfall”
This was a B episode of a C+ show, meaning that it was better than usual, but it was still crappy compared to most of the things we watch. It started out slowly, even though there was a lot of action. Action isn’t necessarily interesting. There need to be high stakes and characters we care about. A meteor crashes and wipes out all the power and technology. Jim and Zoe get stuck underground and are out of the action. We get to hear Jim sing a song about spiders to Zoe. Maddy and Reynolds have their first date. Hunter gets operated on and tells Skye that he has feelings for her. Taylor forces Boylan to get the tech up and running. Mira and the Sixers heard dinosaurs into attacking Terra Nova and steal Mira’s box. Mira gives it to Taylor's son! The Taylor’s son stuff is the only reason to stick around, at this point
Episode grade: B

2 Broke Girls - “And Hoarder Culture”
Aww, Johnny. Say it ain’t so. He wronged our girl, Max, but he made up for it in the end. He needs to dump his hot, black, British girlfriend and get with Max, ASAP, but we understand and appreciate that he doesn’t want to be a jerk. Just because he likes Max doesn’t mean that he has to leave his current relationship. Meanwhile, Caroline gets paid to organize the apartment of a hoarder. Max is enthused by this. We like seeing Max that happy every once-in-a-while. The too-mean, depressing Max hasn’t been seen in weeks! We love it. We are also sighing with relief that the show has gotten better in the past couple of weeks. We predicted that it had potential, and we are glad that we weren’t wrong. And not just because we hate to be wrong.
Episode grade: B+

Once Upon a Time - "Kid, telling someone their soul mate is in a coma is probably not helpful."

"Snow Falls"

Why can’t Emma be Jennifer Morrison’s actual age? She’s 32, and she looks 35 (um no, she doesn't). She’s not working for us as a 28-year-old woman. This episode was written by Liz Tigelaar, the creator of Life Unexpected. We prefer writers from LOST do all the writing, because we are still a little miffed at Liz for the whole second season of Life Unexpected, which blew the big one and made us think the show deserved to be cancelled.

We get to see Prince Charming and Snow White meet in flashbacks, and it was during this meeting scene that we started wishing that the prince had a real name that wasn’t “Charming.” That’s seriously annoying. But later, we found out that the prince’s fantasyland name is “James.” So much better. So we will start calling him James immediately. James took the scenic route in his carriage with his fiancée. His fiancée was presented as the woman every girl hates and every guy complains about, but still dates anyway. She was blonde, critical, and a complainer. Her name in the real world is “Catherine,” but we didn’t catch her name in the fairytale world, so we are going to call her “Debbie Downer.” Snow White is clearly better than Debbie Downer, because Snow White wears pants.

Debbie Downer was whining when the carriage came across a fallen tree in a road. Obviously, this tree was to serve as a distraction while a robber grabbed some jewels from the carriage. That’s really what James gets for carrying a tiny man-purse full of jewelry. The robber turns out to be Snow White. Now, there are two movies coming out about Snow White later, and they both seem to have wildly different takes on the story. We’re pretty sure neither of them thought to have a Snow White who STEALS THINGS. But it’s alright, because she tries to only steal from the Evil Queen, and she does it to survive.

Later, James catches Snow White in a net trap and recognizes her as Snow White. He whips out a WANTED poster with a drawing of Snow. Underneath, it lists her crimes. Murder, treason, and treachery. Now, we are familiar with the crimes “murder” and “treason.” These are things people can actually be charged with in our world. But treachery? We like the sound of it. To what should it apply? How about whipping out your phone and texting while someone is talking to you? That sounds right. In the fairytale world, however, this seems to mean “ticking off the queen.” Snow tells James that none of it is true.

James asks Snow to just give him back a ring that was in the man purse. That was his mother ring that he intended to give to his future bride. It was an arranged marriage, but there are kingdoms to unite and all that. We wonder what, if any, relation James has to the Evil Queen, since they are both royalty. How many kingdoms are there in the fairytale world, and just how small are they, anyway? Snow reveals that she has fairy dust that can hurt the Evil Queen and she is saving it for that foe. Then Snow bashes James in the head and runs away, but some of the Evil Queen’s knights catch her and try to cut out her heart. James kills the knights and saves her.

Snow White is a little more cooperative after this, and she takes James to the creatures she stole the engagement ring from. They are trolls, and they are fabulously ugly. Like idiots, Snow and James have the WANTED poster with them, and the trolls decide to snatch Snow rather than trade the ring back. James fights them off and Snow runs, thinking James is behind her. He’s not, so she goes back and uses her fairy dust to save him. He is touched that she sacrificed it for him. They are very clearly crushing on each other and there is a nice little scene where she tries on the ring, but they part ways without even smooching. We like that the show wants to drag this out. If they fall in love too quickly, we jaded viewers won’t believe it.

As for the real action, David Anders is on this show, since he can’t be Sark on Alias anymore and John Gilbert from The Vampire Diaries is dead. As usual, Anders plays a sketchball. Only he’s a doctor this time. Dr. Sketchball (real name: Dr. Whale). Mary Margaret goes on a date with him, but he is eyeballing the half-dressed Ruby (Little Red Riding Hood, who we didn’t know was a super slut), who is waitressing at the restaurant. Mary calls for the check and runs into Emma on her way home. Emma is sleeping in her car, even though we thought Mary had offered her a place to stay last week. We guess not. She just had Emma over for a visit. At the end of THIS episode, Mary offered her guest room, and Emma accepted.

Henry has figured out that the coma patient, a John Doe, is Prince Charming. Henry gets Emma to convince Mary to read to the patient from the storybook. While Mary reads to him, John Doe grabs her hand. Mary goes to get Dr. Sketchball, and the good doctor tells her that there is no change. He suggests that she fell asleep or imagined it. When Mary leaves the room. Dr. Sketchball calls Mayor Regina and tells her what happened and that there was a slight change in the patient’s brain activity. Regina looks concerned and angry, as usual.

The next day, it is discovered that John Doe is gone. Emma and everyone watching suspects Regina at first, but it turns out that he just got up and walked out of the hospital and into the woods. Henry says that John Doe is clearly looking for Snow White. Regina has been John Doe’s emergency contact since she found him, unconscious, on the side of the road a few years ago. Mary, Emma, and Sheriff Graham go looking for John Doe, because he’s in no physical condition to be on his own. Henry follows them against the wishes of every adult in town. It's pretty clear, at this point, that Sheriff Graham is the Huntsman who let Snow White go in the fairytale world, out of pity. This mirrors his real-world self. He works for Regina, but he disobeys her when he thinks she's being too harsh.

Henry lets everyone know that John Doe will likely go to the Toll Bridge (because it’s so much like the Troll Bridge - there's even grafitti on it to make it look like it says "troll"), and Henry is correct. They find John Doe lying in the water, face down. Mary does CPR and her “kiss” wakes him. When John Doe returns to the hospital, Regina shows up with his wife, Catherine, who is the real world version of Debbie Downer. Gasp. Prince Charming has a wife? That’s….just wrong. In any case, it’s going to complicate things for Emma, Mary, and Henry. But wait. Snow White married him first in the fairytale world, and they didn’t get a fairytale divorce, so the first marriage stands, right?

We chuckled, because no matter where Ginnifer Goodwin goes on TV, she finds herself in a marriage with more than one woman. Clearly, blondie needs to die. Emma comforted us by suggesting to Regina that the whole thing was a “load of crap,” and that it was really convenient for Regina to waltz in with this blonde chick as soon as John Doe (David) wakes up with amnesia. There’s a possibility that Catherine might be lying about being his wife. Then Regina says, “Not having someone is the worst curse imaginable.” Well, that’s depressing.

Episode grade: B-

The Rest of the Dramas! Sorry for all the lateness.

Ringer - “Oh Gawd, There’s Two of Them?”
Bridget has to tell Andrew and Henry that Siobhan had a twin. It turns out the Bridget’s new sponsor is working for Siobhan and he’s the one who killed Gemma. Gasp! Also, Malcolm escapes. After Juliet boozes, parties, and crashes a car in order to help her friend, Andrew cuts her off of her trust fun. Let’s all have a sarcastic slow clap for Andrew for doing the thing he should have done years ago. Good luck buying drugs when you don’t have access to $10 million. The fact that he didn’t do this in the first place means that Juliet should be taken away from him. Also, Juliet was scandalized and hurt that Andrew didn’t trust her motives. No sympathy. You do hard drugs in high school, you lose all expectation of trust. Overall, this show has really gone uphill.

Episode grade: B

American Horror Story - “Halloween 2”
Ok, Hayden was actually genuinely creepy. When she was rotting from the inside out, that was a nice touch. We are SO GLAD the dog wasn’t in the microwave. That would have been too far. Tate’s backstory is amazingly interesting and we look forward to the flashback and more details. Ben has been thrown out of the house by Vivien, but we hope that he has to come back soon. Out of everyone in that family, he is the one who most deserves to live in the haunted house, and it isn’t because he’s a cheater (although that doesn’t help). We feel bad for the way he has to deal with all that shame. He’s the worst because he has a pattern of covering things up. Everyone messes up in life. It’s how you deal with the aftermath, grit your teeth, and own up to things that decides whether you’re scum or not. No one likes a cover-up.

Episode grade: B

Revenge - “Charade”
Man, this was a good one. We had Nolan’s first takedown, and it was successful. The “Tyler is gay and in love with Daniel” theorists were correct. We liked the whole swapped identity thing, but man, Frank got way too close for comfort there. We, like many others, still aren’t buying the Declan/Charlotte romance, and we wish Declan had been cast by a different actor.

Episode grade: A-
The Secret Circle - “Beneath”
The Circle goes to Henry’s house to look for Jane, because Cassie hasn’t heard from her in days. The crew finds the house empty, but Cassie gets a text from Jane, saying that she is on her way home. The Circle decides to stay the night in Henry’s house. Diana experiences jealousy over Adam not being able to bear watching Cassie kiss Jake on a dare. Faye is jealous of Cassie and Jake’s budding romance. Jake rejects Cassie later, though. It seems that he is more into his witch-hunting team than her right now, but that might change. Henry reaches out to Faye from beyond the grave and Cassie finds his body. Meanwhile, Charles erases Jane’s memory and has Henry’s crystal. Most of these episodes have been heavy on the action and light on the character development. We got more quiet time with the characters during this episode, and we loved that. We also like when Diana starts to show her imperfect side, like when she made Cassie and Jake kiss. Most of all, we thought the music in this episode was really beautiful.

Episode grade: A

Fringe - “Novation”
We pretty much know how the Observers erased Peter now, if we hadn’t guessed already. The case of the week was boring, but the Peter/Olivia/Walter stuff was pretty good. Walter has rejected Peter as his son and a family member that he is allowed to keep. That’s sad, but we’re pretty sure he will come around, eventually, and help Peter figure things out. We’re glad to have Peter back.

Episode grade: B

Sons of Anarchy - “Kiss”
The way things are going, it looks like SAMCRO is going to have no choice but to kick Clay out of the club, which is something we are surprised hasn’t happened a long time ago. Clay gets one step closer to taking out Tara for good.

Episode grade: A-

Parenthood - “Forced Family Fun”
The main drama going on right now is the whole Seth thing. We hope he gets better, and he seems sincere, but this had better not affect Sarah’s new relationship, which is getting cuter all the time. Coffee girl needs to not sweat the small stuff and give Julia a break every once in a while. It’s like she gets paid for every awkward moment that she makes even more awkward.

Episode grade: B

Person of Interest - “Witness”
Reese has to protect a school teacher who saw a Russian mob shooting. Of course, Carter has to get all up in everyone’s business. The whole Carter thing had better turn out to be just as good as the rest of the show. It had just better pan out.

Episode grade: B-

Nikita - “Clawback”
Michael is mad at Nikita for not telling him about his son, even though she told him and pretty much did it right away. Ugh. We are kind of hating the whole Michael’s son thing. The son needs to die. We liked Alex’s plot this week, and we loved that Ryan came back.

Episode grade: B-

Prime Suspect - “Shame”
This episode featured a prostitute who killed, but we were less interested in her than the cop shenanigans that went on in this episode (like when two of them pretended that they were going to hit one of their informants). The team is getting along better, and we like that. The shooter from Grey’s Anatomy guest starred, and he was creepy in this, too.

Episode grade: B-

Grey’s Anatomy - “Heart-Shaped Box”
George’s mom returns and isn’t scandalized by Callie’s lesbianism. She just wants to see pictures of the baby. Aww. We enjoyed all the discussion and memories of George. We like when this show acknowledges its outlandishly crazy past. Jackson dumped Lexie because she doesn’t love him. She should, but she loves Mark instead. Finally, Henry is puking up blood, and that’s not good. We’re not saying we’d be devastated or anything, but it would be sad. Filler, but lighthearted, mature filler.

Episode grade: B-

Bones - “Memories in the Shallow Grave”
This was an average, “meh” episode, but it’s adorable to see Bones and Booth as a couple.

Episode grade: C+

A Gifted Man - “In Case of Memory Loss”
Michael comes across a former football player that he operated on a long time ago. The football player has since lost a lot of his memory and become homeless. Also, Michael has to treat a teenage girl who is having trouble coping with her best friend’s murder. Michael helps people. His wife haunts him. This was all par-for-the-course for this show.

Episode grade: B-

Comedies - Written as we listened to the Glee Christmas soundtrack part two for the first time!

Modern Family - Treehouse
We really liked the Cam and Mitchell storyline and Leslie Mann’s guest-starring role. We also liked the line “It’s like the gift of the vagi.” Ha. Jay and Gloria’s storylines need work, we think. Also, Jay shouldn’t dance with his arms raised over his shoulders if he wants people to see him as a straight man too. That’s a pro tip for all you guys out there. Gay = over the shoulders. Straight = never. Admittedly, Jay did say he was a bad dancer.

Episode grade: B

America’s Next Top Model - Game
Notice we always lump this show in with the comedies. We know you don’t disagree. Anyway, we official ship Game and Allison Harvard harder than just about anyone else on TV right now. We thought she had a bad voice though and that Lisa should have won the challenge. Lisa is really winning us over this season. We were disappointed that Alexandria went home. We thought her video came off as snobby, avant-garde, and fashionable, not awkward, and she had a really interesting voice tone. Game is way more of a sweetheart than we expected. We’re fans now.

Episode grade: B

South Park - 1%
The show gets points for being timely, but man, there was so much wasted opportunity here. We came away unsure of what the South Park guys THOUGHT of the 99% movement, which is disappointing, because we love to know their opinions. They keep us sane and balanced. We came away thinking that Trey and Matt (or Cartman) think that the 99% just want to blame the rich people because they can’t bring themselves to blame Obama, because he is black. We don’t think race has anything to do with it, if that’s what they are saying. People just don’t want to be wrong about their political party or who they voted for, so they always just examine evidence that confirms their original chosen side, race or not. Also, the episode just wasn’t very funny. We are, however, going to occupy somewhere stupid with signs to honor the show and take pictures.

Episode grade: C

New Girl - Naked
Jess saw Nick naked and he freaked out. Bonjour Le Peen. We think the roommates are sometimes too mean to Jess and Jess is sometimes a little too stupid. This episode was funny though, and Lake Bell came on and did her awkward thing.

Episode grade: B

Up All Night - Parents
We liked Reagan’s parents, but this episode just wasn’t as funny as we wanted it to be. And we are starting to agree that Maya Rudolph doesn’t fit the rest of the show. We did like her singing over the video for the dead crewmember though. That was the sole out-loud laugh for us.

Episode grade: C+

Suburgatory - Charity Case
Tessa has trouble getting her school to understand what she is saying when she tells them that they should stop wasting food. In order to let everyone know how the poor live, she brought a homeless transsexual to school, which we think is kind of rude to the homeless transsexual. Still, it was all pretty funny. We need Noah’s character to be fleshed out better in the future.

Episode grade: B

Happy Endings - Lying Around
Brad and Jane lie to each other in order to have staycations. Penny knows some guys who people have tried to set her up with in the past but, since she's happily in a relationship, she lends one to Alex to date. However, Penny becomes jealous and gets him back. Dave makes one of the funniest, most awkward commercials ever, and then Max ruins it by making it good, but forgetting to put the name of the business and what Dave sells in the ad.

Episode grade: B

Community - Advanced Gay
Pierce becomes a gay icon and Jeff kills Pierce’s father. Yeah, it was just as awesome as it sounds. One of us is determined to put an item in her will that will be given to whoever can best be blamed for her death, because that is just a spectacular idea. Also, some Good Will Hunting stuff happened with Trey again, and it was still funny.

Episode grade: B+

Parks and Recreation - End of the World
When a local cult predicts the end of the world, the main characters have to think about their lives and priorities. Tom throws a party, as usual, and April helps Andy complete his bucket list. His bucket list is not as weird as we wanted it to be, but that storyline was sweet. We mourn for Ben and Leslie. The last two episodes have missed the happy energy we like about this show. Episode grade: B

The Office - Doomsday
Dwight comes up with an incentive to scare the office workers into not making mistakes. He’s a sweetheart at the core though, because he called the whole thing off just in time. He and Pam really do have a special, creepy bond. We like that there was more of a focus on Jim, Pam, and Dwight than, like, Erin. This was one of the funnier episodes this season. This show isn’t dead yet.

Episode grade: B+

As for the Christmas album, it was better than the last one. So if you liked that, you'll love this. Sadly, Dianna Agron has no songs on it. AGAIN. Why does the show think we hate her pleasant voice?

The Vampire Diaries - Good episode, as usual.

"Ordinary People"

It's getting to the point where we are thinking of recommending this show to true nerds who usually don't watch things set in high school. And older people. And men. Middle-aged men even. It's getting to the point where this show is so good that we are having trouble thinking of someone who SHOULDN'T watch it. Even a quieter, exposition-heavy filler episode like this one is better than most shows' finales.

Alaric and Damon bring Elena to see the cave sketches. Alaric gets to work on figuring on the symbols (with some help from Bonnie), reminding us of how much is sucks to be the nerdiest person on a show where the people do more research than a professor’s assistant. Elena goes to Rebecca to speed things up. Rebecca is still cheerleading and showing off her flips, and we are still not impressed. One of us has a sister who can do this and much more.

You might think it was dumb of Elena to go warn Rebecca about their Michael plan and threaten her brother, but remember, Elena is still needed for Klaus’ plan. She is basically the one person who can threaten Rebecca and live. Surprisingly, Rebecca eventually gives Elena the story of the Original Family, after only a little bit of taunting and time-wasting. And so we got another backstory episode, but at least feature Elijah, who we think everyone has truly missed.

We’ve said before that this show’s backstory is ridiculously complicated, lending this show to lots of exposition by flashback. But we’ve since realized that the backstory stuff is necessary to slow the show down and get us to think about the characters. If everything on this show happened in real time, we would feel like we were on a speeding rollercoaster with no time to reflect about things like motives and tragedies. So, instead of “backstory,” we are going to call all of this stuff “the show’s mythology,” which sounds better, don’t you think?

Before Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, the Originals got to the new world in order to escape from one of those European plagues. Esther, the family’s mother, found out about the new world from a witch, Ayanna. The new world was inhabited by werewolves, but there was peace between them and the Original Family for a while. We meet Michael, and we find out his likes and dislikes. Likes: Being a dick to everyone, being a hypocrite. Dislikes: Fun, especially laughter. Klaus was the rebellious child, because he pantsed Elijah during a practice swordfight. Harmless. Also: Hee. But then Klaus got his youngest brother, Henrik, killed by sneaking off with Henrik to watch the neighbors turn into werewolves.

This was the end of peace between the Originals and the werewolves. The Originals asked Ayanna to make them a spell that would turn them into super-beings so that they could fight the wolves. Papa Original is Michael (raise your hand if you saw that coming weeks ago), and he didn’t want to run. Out of pride, he wanted to stay and fight the wolves. Ayanna refused to help, so it was all up to Esther, the Original Witch. We were shocked, mainly because for years this show has been teaching us that all witches are black.

Esther turned her family into the first vampires so she wouldn’t lose any more children. We liked Rebecca’s acting while she was being turned. Sadly for the first vamps, nature balanced things out, and the vampires had weaknesses. Rebecca continued her story, telling Elena that when Klaus turned it became apparent that he was a hybrid. Klaus’ mother put him under the hybrid curse in order to suppress his werewolf side. Michael realized that Esther has been doing the nasty with a neighbor. Michael was pissed off enough about this to rip Esther’s heart out in front of Klaus. But we find out later that this last sentence is a lie.

Elena goes back to Alaric to share what she knows so that the deciphering can go faster. After looking at the drawings in context, Elena realizes that Klaus killed Esther, not Michael. Elena runs back to Rebecca with photos of the symbols. Rebecca goes mad with rage and grief, nearly kills Elena, and then just crumbles.

Damon frees Stefan, because he’s Damon, and took him to a bar to get some blood and drinkies. At first, we were all like, “Noooooooo,” but then we realized this was inevitable. Michael the vampire-hunting vampire shows up in the bar. Michael threatens, and nearly kills Damon. Out of concern for his brother, Stefan agrees to lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls so that Michael can kill Klaus. Michael said that if this plan fails, he will kill Stefan. He’s the vampire-hunting vampire, so we are guessing Michael is going to try to kill every vampire in town anyway. We’re pretty sure that the gang just traded in one problem for an even bigger one. We hate this guy already. One of us is pretty excited, though.

When Elena walks into her bedroom, she finds Damon waiting for her in her bed. Above the covers and clothed, so don’t get excited. They fill each other in a little. Elena tells Damon that she isn’t mad at him for letting Stefan out, because she thinks that it won’t be Stefan’s love for her that will save the day, but his love for Damon. Elena falls asleep next to Damon in the bed. This is not the first time these two have slept next to each other. Even though we ship them almost as hard as we ship Alaric/Damon, we think these two need to cool it with the bed sharing until they are together. It’s defusing the sexual tension and it’s not smart of Elena.

Katherine had better be alive. We didn't see her with Michael. GRRR. If you liked the song at the end of the episode, it's free on amazon's mp3 store right now. We didn't especially care for it, but we know some of ya'll might.

Episode grade: B

This grade is on a "Vampire Diaries Scale." If we were comparing this show to other shows, every grade would be at least an A-. This show is Ern-proof (Ern loves to give bad grades).

Shows picked up for a full season

Once Upon a Time just got a full season pick up. After only two episodes! Woooo hoooooo!

Also, people are discovering how hilarious Happy Endings is (finally!!), and it got an order for nine more episodes this season. Seriously, this show is so good that it turned Elisha Cuthbert from annoying to adorable. Last Man Standing gets nine more episodes too.

ABC ordered five more scripts for Pan Am, but that hasn't gotten picked up for a full season yet. It is struggling, so if you like the show, tell your friends.

BONES!

Bones comes back tonight. One of us is literally trembling with excitement. The other one? Not so much.

Glee: We’re literally horny with fear that this show has stopped making good music for us and wants to make us hate its characters

"Pot o' Gold"

This episode sucked so hard. Just about nothing went right, and this is after we waited a month for this episode. Stupid baseball! Most importantly, nothing from this episode will ever see either of our iPods. After three relatively strong, season one-esque episodes, we got this boring mess that made us want to nuke everyone on this show except for Burt Hummel. We are seriously going to write him in when we vote next time, even if he is fictional.

Most important thing first: Damian McGinty showed up for his first episode as Rory Flanagan, the Irish exchange student living with Brittany’s family. This would be a perfect opportunity for us to see Brittany’s family and smart sister, but alas, we were deprived in favor of less important things. Brittany thinks that Rory is an actual wish-granting leprechaun. She offers him her “pot of gold” in exchange for three wishes. Rory decides that this means her vagina. Santana lets Brittany know that Rory isn’t a real leprechaun and then he joins New Directions.

We have several problems with Rory. The first is that he would so be popular, what with that adorable accent and all the adorableness and whatnot. This is a common problem for this show. The kids who are picked on are the kids who would be cool. The second problem is that this is DAMIAN MCGINTY, who we all love for his charming, easygoing personality and genuine nature. Naturally, these shoddy writers decided to make his plot introduce him as the ultimate creeper, deceiving and preying on the near-retarded Brittany.

Our third problem with the new character is his hair. Damian’s hair on The Glee Project was adorable. We don’t know what Beavis-and-Butthead-y mess this even is. Who decided that his hair needed to be taller? Vomit. Damian’s acting wasn’t bad, even though it was hard to understand what he said a lot of the time. He and Brittany both need to speak more slowly. After being picked on, Rory walked through the halls of McKinley singing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” This wasn’t even a performance, which means that the show is no longer shunning the musical format where characters just sing about their lives (like Rachel did in season one’s “Take a Bow.”)

At first, during the song, we were squealing, “Sing, my precious leprechaun!” But then we wondered why his debut song was a piece from The Muppets. There had to have been a better choice. We guess he has to sing “Danny Boy” at some point, right? His second song, once he joined the Glee Club, was “Take Care of Yourself,” as song that had Damian sitting in his falsetto a lot. This was probably our favorite number of the night, but we don’t particularly care for the song. And as much as we love Damian McGinty, after the show had him lying to Brittany in order to sleep with her, we were a little turned off. That’s, like, near rapist behavior. Look at his face in the picture we used, lol. Mmmm, food that has touched kitty litter.

Sue gets the school musical shut down by getting the public riled up enough that the funding is cut. One thing we did enjoy was the woman standing outside Figgins’ office with the ANGRY sign. The expression on her face was pure gold. ("A musical about a race war that glorifies violence. It still seems extraordinarily gay." That's actually pretty accurate.) The Sue’s Corner this week was pretty amusing too. We like that Sue is pure villain again. Her war to get elected and take down the arts is just what we want to see from this character after her uneven, confusing arcs last season.

The Glee kids have to sell ad space in their programs to pay for the musical. Burt Hummel saves the day, buying lots of ad space and convincing the town mortuaries to do the same, and also decides to run against Sue as a write-in candidate for Congress. TEAM BURT! Burt was the only redeemable character this week. The good guys on this show are very often too mean-spirited. We liked when he showed gratitude to Will (“Your Glee club saved my kid's life”) and when he told Kurt that he was proud of him and that his being gay wasn’t an issue in his decision to run for Congress.

The most horrible character this week was Quinn. First, she bashes Shelby’s looks (whatever Q, Shelby looks awesome) and then she calls child services on Shelby in order to get custody of Beth. Quinn had planted items in Shelby’s house that would make her look like an unfit parent, all because Quinn has nothing going on during her senior year. Puck has his pool business, others have the musical, and the rest of her friends have college. Beth is Quinn’s “one thing that is perfect.” The “one thing she can’t screw up.” Umm, Quinn, we’ve got news for you: having and raising kids can and will be a huge mess for you. Oh Quinn, you’re the worst. We don’t like that the writers took this initially interesting storyline to the mean place. However, Quinn was wearing cute dresses this week, and her hair is still adorable. We're very particular about hair, you see. If you have a whole team of people making you look good, someone needs to get the hair right. It's not like these people are us, with thick waves and humidity.

Shelby gets Puck her condo’s pool-cleaning contract, and he is touched that she believes in him. Puck goes into Shelby’s apartment and removes all of the incriminating items. He also sings “Waiting for a Girl Like You” to Beth (who is precious) while Shelby watches, and we saw what was coming a mile away. The song was sweet though. Also, we saw a lot of Puck’s abs, for which we are grateful. We enjoyed his line, “Baby sacrifice makes me sad.” The episode ended with Puck kissing Shelby. Ern kind of liked that, but Leeard hated it. You know how we usually feel about teachers and students having flings on shows. Both of us think Shelby + Puck kind of stupid, but it’s also kind of hot.

Mercedes is still out of the Glee club, and this week, she took Santana and Brittany with her. This is a smart move, because Brittany has moves and Santana’s voice sounds great with Mercedes’. The new group is called The Troubletones, and even though we hate them, they sound pretty good. They performed Christian Aguilera’s “Candyman” in full costume, in front of Will and Finn, for no reason or other audience. We don’t know why the show had to cover a song that wasn’t a hit when it came out and was also recorded by someone who can sing and who has a similar voice to these cast members. We like when Glee improves pop songs.

Finn is jealous of Blaine and started being mean to him. We wanted to be mean to Blaine because of his awful, gelled-down hair that took a dead-sexy guy and made him look like a taint. Still, we weren’t happy with the return of a focus on what a jerk Finn can be. Blaine covered “Last Friday Night” with the rest of New Directions. Who thinks that’s a good song? The best thing about that was it allowed Katy Perry to have fun and make a cute video. The Glee version was way too overproduced and autotuned, but we liked the gender swap and the dancing/performance was cute. Still, unnecessary. This show didn’t have Rachel or Shelby sing, and this is what we’re given instead?!!

Brittany and Santana are dating and taking baths together, and we approve. Santana is still in the closet though. We liked how Santana shut down Sugar Motta. This episode had nods to the show’s past mistakes and cleared a few things up (like mentioning who the lips were in Rocky Horror), but that just shows that the writers are looking at internet comments too much. It felt self-conscious that the writers have to defend themselves in their show. It takes us out of the fiction.

Leeard thinks she might stop watching this show, because the events of this episode hacked her off so much. Ern enjoys a good Ryan Murphy trainwreck and the opportunity to give poor grades and write scathing reviews, so she'll probably stick with it. The main things we hate are the fact that there are two Glee clubs and all the Rachel hate. The other divas on this show, including Mercedes, are just as bad as Rachel, if not worse. Remember in season one when Rachel defected in order to star in a musical? She came back with humility and remorse, ready to work with the team. We’ve never seen that level of sweetness from most of the other divas. The last couple of seasons have taken the heart out of Rachel’s character, and we want her to become sympathetic again. Leeard wanted to give this an F+ (the + was because we love Damian, obviously), but after a night of cooling off, we think it deserves a higher grade for some of the funny one-liners.

Episode grade: D

2 Broke Girls and Terra Nova: Listen, Battlefield Earth

2BG - “And the Pretty Problem”

We’ve heard two main criticisms of this show, and now we’ve heard these criticisms again from a source that we actually like, so we shall name them and respond. They are 1) Max is too mean to Caroline and the show can be mean-spirited in general, and 2) the show is racist. As for the first thing, we agree with half of it. Max can sometimes say cutting things to Caroline in a way that comes across as cold and disrespectful. While we hope that is toned down as the show goes on (the last couple of episodes seem to have gotten rid of it, for the most part), it doesn’t ruin the show for us. We are more concerned with the number of groan-worthy sex jokes. Friends did sex jokes right. This show doesn't really get how to make those funny.

As for the show being mean-spirited in general, we don’t care about that. The world the girls live in is snooty and harsh. Hipsters and hippies always deserve to be mocked. Also, people who are rude to waitresses should be mocked. Regarding the second point, we think Han is funny, so we don’t mind that he is a caricature. The Ukrainian guy (Oleg) needs to go though, stat. Last night, the show stereotyped American/Jersey Italians (not regular Italians. There's a difference). While these criticisms are true, they don’t ruin the show for us, and we can see them becoming less of a problem as the girls bond and more side characters are introduced. We already have Johnny, and he’s pretty cool. The “insult cupcake” idea is perfect for these girls and the show. Decent episode this week.
Episode grade: B-
TN- “Bylaw”

This show is lucky it’s on Mondays, the stalest night of the TV week, except for Saturdays. One thing annoying that we noticed is how Elizabeth is always so perfect in her interactions with the ever-annoying Zoe. When Zoe played sick to visit Elizabeth at work, Elizabeth’s reaction just didn’t feel authentic. That’s not how parents sound. We’re not saying she should have screamed at the kid. She just shouldn’t have sounded so rehearsed and like a Brady Bunch mom. None of the parent/child interactions feel real to us.

Something we like? The female cop. She seems like a no-nonsense professional. And we also still like Taylor. During this episode, we were most interested in Josh’s fight to get his girlfriend to Terra Nova. He described the future as a place so bad that some of his friends killed themselves. That makes sense. There’s a saying that goes, “What you believe about your future controls what you do in the present.” That’s why hope is so important, we guess. It makes sense that Josh would do anything, even work for Mira, for someone he cares about. We like that kid.

We liked that Jim and Elizabeth had a little fight in the episode about what should be done with the prisoner. This family needs to start acting more like a Friday Night Lights family and less like the Cleavers. The plot was decent, but we can’t say the show has hooked both of us yet. It’s halfway through its first season, so that’s not a good sign. And OF COURSE Zoe has a pet dinosaur now. Ugh. Ok, ok. We admit it’s a little cute.

Episode grade: C+

How I Met Your Mother: Caress

“The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

We loved the Bejeweled Blitz reference! We don’t know if you guys know this, but we are insanely good at BB. We get scores in the 800,000s every week, and our highest scores are in the upper mid-900,000s. We will crack a million, if it’s the last thing we do. We are fighting to be the first of the two bloggers to do so. But we have lives too, we swear.

Katie Holmes guest starred this week, and she was pretty funny. It might have been her part. She looks older. She’s starting to look like a grown up. Laugh at her marriage with Tom Cruise all you want, but his midlife-crisis marriage has lasted longer than most celebrity marriage (hey there Kim Kardashian). Maybe it’s really love. We liked the younger version of Ted who made a contract with himself to sleep with every girl who wanted to sleep with him. Wow, that was unwise, younger Ted.

Ted was an idiot in this episode. He’s an idiot in every episode, actually. But he’s the other blogger’s soulmate, so this blogger should shut up now. We found it interesting that Robin was offended that Ted slept with a girl he had no feelings for. So is that the rule now? When is it socially acceptable to bang someone? First it was marriage, then it was engagement, then it was intending to get married, then it was being together for three months, then it was three dates, then it was any monogamous relationship, and now it is having at least a sliver of “feeling” for the person. What’s next? Liking that person’s clothes?

Robin and Barney are so meant to be. They are both Canadian. Barney is STILL wearing the duckie tie. Barney’s Canadian accent sounds a little too Scottish. Robin’s was great though. This episode was Norah-free, and we weren’t missing her much. Lily and Marshall spent the episode in the suburbs for Halloween. That reminds us of Happy Endings, and that’s not good for How I Met Your Mother right now. Happy Endings did that plotline the right way, and it was hilarious. Here, it was just a lacking. The Canada and Slutty Pumpkin stuff was pretty funny, so we enjoyed the episode, overall.

Episode grade: B-

Homeland: The Only Good Use for Death Metal (OH EXCUSE US: "NOISEGRIND")

“Blind Spot”

Brody’s Islamic tendencies weren’t just a one-time comfort. He’s in the garage bowing to Allah again this week. This still doesn’t mean he’s a terrorist. Again, we think this means that he WON’T be a terrorist, because that wouldn’t be politically correct. Brody got to see some of the interrogation of one of his former guards who beat him and then peed on him. Well, that was extremely rude. Team Brody here. No one should ever pee on anybody, unless the other person specifically requests it or was stung by a jellyfish.

During the interrogation, Saul got a dig at Catholics in, and we did not think it was clever. That was so hundreds of years ago anyway. Carrie gave Brody her digits in case he needs to talk. She’s a real sweetheart to his face. Watch Brody fall for Carrie. That would be something. Watching Jessica try to connect with this guy is just depressing. We don’t like her haircut. She looks too much like she did in V, and that’s going to distract us.

The psychology and family stuff is just as interesting to watch as the homeland security and terrorist plot stuff. This surprised us, because we were wary when we first met Carrie’s family, and tons of people think that Jess and her kids are little more than a distraction. But we find it cool to see Carrie’s soft side and Brody’s struggle to resume a normal life. This is good stuff. This isn’t Kim Bauer getting stuck in a cougar trap, even though this episode reminded us of 24 more than any of the others. We think it’s about time that the affair is spoken of though. Everyone knows, so out with it.

Brody talked his way into getting a face-to-face meeting with his guard. Brody came across as pathetic in the confrontation, and we were disappointed. If he is good, we wanted to see a powerful moment. If he is bad, well, then that was all part of the plot to slip the baddie a razor blade. Just when we were starting to think Brody is most definitely innocent, the Professor gets a tip off that the government is onto him, and the guard is able to kill himself with a razor blade he somehow got.

Carrie suspects Brody, of course. She lost her cool with Saul trying to get him to bring her theory about Brody to the higher-ups. She always loses it around Saul, huh? Then she quit her job, but we think she will be back. We still freaked out a little bit, because we like watching Carrie do her job. Then we wised up and realized she could never stop investigating Brody, or there would be no show. Shudder. The horror. Fortunately, we will have this show for at least another season.

We think the coolest ending for this mystery is to have Brody turn out to be a terrorist but then turn back to our side after he heals a bit. That way we can have our cake (he’s good) and eat it too (he’s a terrorist/Carrie’s right). We are starting to like Carrie and dislike Brody. Brody always acts like a prideful douchelord and Carrie really cares about preventing deaths and keeping her nieces safe. Team Carrie, even if she’s a little crazed.

Episode grade: A

Allen Gregory: Pilot

The show almost lost us in the first scene. There is a fine line between hilarious pretentiousness and obnoxious arrogance (a line the show Frasier toed perfectly). The introduction of Allen and one of his gay dads made us almost dislike the characters enough to not think they were funny. We are speaking particularly of the Tony Nomination speech and intro. However, we really liked the gay dad’s introduction of Julie. “Add Julie to cart.” We don’t say this a lot, but ROFLMAO.

The arrogance might not even be necessary for Allen’s character. For his dad, it works. But Allen might have done better just being blunt, smart, precocious, and not good with authority. Allen has dark hair, blue eyes, and glasses. On his first day of school, he befriends a red-haired, freckled kid. Aaaaand now we want to go watch a Harry Potter movie.

The Hermione Granger of the operation is Julie, Allen’s adopted sister, whom he hates. She seems to be the sanest character on this cartoon, and we love her. All of the side characters are funny, actually. We loved that Allen was attracted to his school principal, even though it makes no sense. Why does a seven-year-old have a libido? Maturity does not equal puberty.

Jonah Hill’s delivery is good, and we like the dysfunctional gay couple. Usually on TV, gay people have to be saints for good PR. This couple is horrid, and the show is funnier for it. We also liked the Bones reference and the choice of background music throughout the show. Lots of the pretentiousness is right on.

We can see lots of people hating this show, because it’s super mainstream, the characters are unrealistic, and this is a cartoon in every way. It’s a little immature too. One of the main gags involves Allen sharting in front of his new true love. But we laughed and enjoyed this half hour, for the most part. It’s not brilliant, but it’s not bad.

Episode grade: B-

Pan Am: Catch Her If You Can

“The Genuine Article”

Maggie spent the episode worrying about losing her job after making that crack to her boss last week. You know, the thing where Maggie told the mean girdle-lover to get on the scale? We weren’t worried, because it’s obvious that Christina Ricci is the biggest (and only) star on this show, and her character would not get permanently canned. Also, when you have a job, you have to follow the rules and respect your boss. That's just reality. No matter how much of an independent, trailblazing woman you are.

The bloggers were split on liking Maggie in the last couple of weeks, but we are both starting to hate her now. She really is out for herself, and she’s a liar. She’s not a liar in a brilliant, funny, Frank Abagnale way. It’s like the writers are trying too hard to make Maggie a smart, feminist icon, and it isn’t coming off as authentic.

It was nice to get some background on the character though. Maggie is like a poor man’s Joan from Mad Men. It’s possible that this is the actress’ fault. With a character like this, you need someone adorable who has charisma. Someone cocky, but in a way that you love her. Not someone who is obnoxious and whose speech is always stilted when she’s trying to show the world her gumption. The best example of this was when Maggie arrived at her Pan Am interview late.

Christina Ricci is a little toothpick suffering from Up All Night’s aforementioned face v. ass complex. As you age, you have to decide whether you want your face to look too thin and haggard, or if you want to put a little weight on, have a nice face, and lose your tight little behind. Christina went with saving her bum, and her face is looking too harsh. We miss her round cheeks. On her face.

We liked the way her college professor took the roll. That’s how we are going to do it, if we ever have to. Only, instead of favorite book (because lots of people don’t read), we will ask for a favorite TV show. The mutants who don’t own TVs can just get out of our classes.

We are getting a little disenchanted with this show. Where is it all going? We care about Collette and sometimes Ted, but we’re not overly attached to anyone on this show. How can this stay and Off the Map get cancelled? Does anyone else wonder if one of the actresses playing Collette and Kate should have had Christina Ricci’s role?

One thing we liked a lot? Kate’s new mission to turn her lover into a spy. Welcome to the big leagues, indeed. Dean and Ginny are in love, but Maggie ratted them out to Pan Am’s VP to save her own job. That won’t go well for Dean and Ginny in the future, will it? All the stuff with Laura and Maggie getting arrested for buying stolen goods was a waste of our time. In the end, Maggie is a fake, but she’s trying to become the real deal. We can admire that. We like that the character has flaws. But because of the performance and line delivery, we can’t like the character completely.

Episode grade: C+

The Good Wife: “Oh Good, She Banged a Nice Bin Ladin.”

“Affairs of State”

The above line was one of the funniest in The Good Wife’s history. We love how this show is a procedural that changes things up. There’s always a case, but there are always tons of ongoing subplots and lots of character development. And sometimes the case is over, sometimes they start in a mediation, and sometimes the characters show up right on the scene of the crime, like in this episode. Nothing feels the same on this show. It’s not like other procedurals where if you have seen one episode, you’ve pretty much seen them all. Cough. House. Cough.

The case this week wasn’t anything we cared much about. A foreign national was accused of rape and murder (he did it). Caitlin hung around with Alicia for the whole case. At first, we thought she was annoying and we were wanting Martha. But Caitlin turned out to be smarter and more likeable as the episode went on. Is she going to sleep with Will or something? Not that Alicia would be over-heartbroken. She doesn’t want Will to meet her kids. That’s a sign that she’s right about it not being love.

We love seeing Parker Posey at anytime. You know this about us. But as Eli Gold’s ex-wife? Someone needs to tell this show that it isn’t Christmas for another two months. Something else we love to see? Cary making out with someone. That boy is fine and he’s even sexier when he’s doing some kissing. Mmhmm. We didn’t see it as much when he was on Gilmore Girls, but he’s hot on this show.

Kalinda did a background on Parker Posey and found out that she had cheated on Eli Gold during the years when he thought they were happy together. We felt bad for Kalinda when Eli Gold forced the truth out of her. But not too bad. She is Kalinda, after all, and we will never forgive her. Eli Gold is obviously being set up for a fall this season.

Obviously, we are getting the Rape App. And carrying yellow cups.

Episode grade: B-

Dexter: “All the darkness that you think you got inside you? All it takes is a little bit of light to keep it at bay. Believe me, I know."- Sam

“The Angel of Death”

With a title like this, we should have seen a major death coming, but we were still surprised. Brother Sam actually was a good shepherd, and like first good shepherd before him, he had to pay the ultimate price. We can’t wait to see Dexter’s reaction to this. It would do this show some good to have Dexter go a little crazy with his revenge, but we don’t think Brother Sam’s death will be enough to send Mr. Cool off the rails the way we want to see. Some are doubting that Sam is actually dead though. We don't know...he was shot plenty of times. Some are STILL doubting that Brother Sam's faith is genuine. We think it is.

Ladies, you actually do have to give the engagement back if you break things off. That’s the usual legal rule. However, if he dumped you after the engagement agreement, you can keep it. If it’s mutual, you give it back. It’s only fair, right? Deb and Quinn are starting to treat each other like humans again. We like that. It shows class.

Travis and Gellar were searching the streets of Miami for their next victim: someone to play the part of The Whore of Babylon. Mostly they pointed out drunk chicks in skimpy dresses, walking around late at night. This must have put a shudder into every girl in Miami, because what girl, even a virgin, has been to Miami and not worn a little dress and gotten drunk? They hit one with a car and shoved her into the trunk. Too bad she was drunk, or she would have been able to find the release cable. That car looked cool enough to have one.

If you are shoved into a trunk, you can also kick out the rear lights and stick your hand out to signal to other cars. We’ve heard of people hitting women with cars and then jumping out and stealing their purses. That is a complete pussy move, because all this does is avoid a fair fight. WITH A GIRL. How lazy/cowardly can you be? Watch out for cars, ladies, whether you are drunk and whorish or not.

We chuckled when Dexter remarked that defacing a Bible must break some sort of rule. People can get superstitious with these things. Street preachers used to pass out little New Testaments on our college campus to people who didn’t really want them, and all of Ern’s atheist friends were too afraid to throw them away, as if they would go to hell for discarding them. They would give them to Ern, because Ern reads the Bible. But how many little New Testaments does anyone need?!! It’s called Goodwill, people.

We thought we saw a budding romance between Deb and Anderson, the new guy, because they are both so “no nonsense.” But it turns out that he is married, and sleeping with a married man is NOT something we want this show to put on the Deb character. We are starting to like her a lot more since she has become lieutenant. We were totally on Deb’s side in her fight with Jamie. Harrison is much too young to know what those pictures are of and recognize that they are horrible, even if he got a good look at them. Chillax, girl.

Quinn’s dalliance with Gellar’s old lover garnered him evidence that pretty much confirms Gellar is the man the cops are looking for. Quinn must be feeling pretty filthy right now. He shared a woman with this dude. Bleck. Also, even more shameful: Quinn didn’t seem to know who C.S. Lewis was. He’s dead to us. Dexter found Travis and nearly took him to a kill site, but when he found out that Travis was an accessory, unable to actually kill anyone, Dexter let Travis go. Watch out, Gellar. Or don’t. You’re gross and we want you to die.

Episode grade: B