American Horror Story - Rubber Man

We predict that pretty much no one is pleased that Tate is the Rubber Man. Ern is unsurprised though, and still loves him. He and Violet are such a nice, messed-up couple. Twisted romance that completely owns all of its twistedness is Ern’s cup of tea. But poor Violet. He’s the father of her siblings, which is just fantastic for all involved. Yeah, it’s all pretty gross, but we are entertained. Leeard is pretty attached to Vivian, because she’s the nicest and only sane person on the show. Last night bummed Leeard out because of what happened to her.

The episode opened with a flashback where the Harmons are moving in, six months ago. Nora, the first owner of the house, is crying that someone is changing her beautiful house. The Rubber Man (who we now know to be Tate) comforts her. Tate wants to help Nora get a baby, because that’s what she always wanted. Since the gay couple fought and decided not to adopt a baby for Nora to steal, Tate and Nora hoped that the Harmons would provide. We flash to the first episode when Viv and the Rubber Man make sweet, freaky love. After the deed is done, the Gimp removes his mask and we see that it is Tate. He is weirdly attached to the ghost women of the house and he wants to help Nora get a baby, even if it’s his. Ghost sperm can totally swim.

The episode flashes back to the present, and Vivian is discussing with Moira and Marcy the fact that she saw ghost Nora in the house. Marcy blows it off and then laments that Mr. Escandarian hasn’t been returning her calls. Moira ate his penis and killed him, if you remember. It’s a tad hard to forget. She’s a maneater. (Wow, we’re lame.) Then we flash back to before, when the gay couple was alive. Chad is having drinks with a female friend and talking about how he thinks Patrick is cheating on him. Chad has been having computer sex with a guy who is into S&M. They chat about it and jerk off, which can’t be super fulfilling. The guy’s name is JungleJim4322 and it looks like he’s using Yahoo! messenger, which is exactly the place to meet people who are horny and repressed, just fyi. It’s a complete waste of time. Stay away.

The female friend advises Chad to become more experimental to save his marriage. Chad goes to an S&M sex shop and really doesn’t understand any of the stuff there. We feel you, Chad, like a rapist with a hot poker. Chad asks the question we are all asking (“How is a latex suit a turn-on?”) and the retailer replies that it dehumanizes the person wearing it, turning him into a giant, moving sex toy/doll for the person having sex with the rubber man. We think that’s really sad. Half of the point of having sex is connecting with another person. Anyone who has to dehumanize another person to enjoy sex is a coward who can’t handle the real, emotional thing. Maybe once-in-a-while would be fine, but over time, that can’t be good for a relationship or a human being.

But Chad wants Patrick, so he buys the rubber suit. When he wears it in front of Patrick, Patrick shuns him. Patrick prefers leather, and he kind of hates Chad. Patrick informs Chad that sex chatting is not cheating. Agree to disagree, Patrick. Patrick leaves and Chad cries. We feel bad for Chad, because we love him and we love Zachary Quinto. In the present, Hayden gives Nora a talk about how all men suck and how the house provides her with fun. She’s sleeping with Constance’s ghost husband and then stabbing him repeatedly. Talk about issues. Hayden and Nora agree to steal Vivian’s twins and make sure Vivian ends up in a mental institution.

In yet another flashback, we see Tate killing the ghosts. He also butt-raped Patrick with a fire poker. He killed them so that another family who might be able to provide a family could take over the house. In the present, Violet has been skipping school to hang out in her room and play with ghosts. Ben tries to take her to task for it, but Violet reams him for cheating and making Vivian start acting crazy. After this episode, we strongly believe that Violet is dead. She hasn’t been out of the house or to school in a while, and she’s seeing more ghosts than anyone. The theory making the rounds is that Tate never actually saved Violet from overdosing. She’s dead, and she doesn’t know she’s dead. Like Bruce Willis. The Harmons had no idea that Violet was sleeping with Tate (ew), ditching school, overdosing, cutting, lying, and possible being dead. They are the freaking worst parents of all time, and maybe Nora SHOULD get Vivian’s next batch of spawn.

Moira tells Vivian that all men have this big conspiracy to oppress women, call them crazy, and lock them up. We agree with the second part. Men do try to paint women as overemotional and crazy. Everything else is just Moira having as many issues as Hayden. Vivian takes Moira’s words to heart. Moira tells Vivian that doctors used to give their female patients orgasms by masturbating them in order to cure their hysteria. One of us kind of wishes that doctors still did that… Moira warns Vivian to get out of the house while she still can. Vivian grabs Violet and they try to leave.

In the car, ghosts surround them, scare the crap out of them, and drive them back to the house. Vivian tries to tell Ben that the house is evil, but he doesn’t believe her. Violet doesn’t back Vivian’s story up, and tells Ben that she didn’t see anything (which pissed one of us off). She is afraid that if she leaves the house or tells her parents about the ghosts, she won’t see Tate again. Her dead, school-shooter, raping, father of her siblings boyfriend. At least Tate isn’t banging Hayden though. That’s loyalty. Vivian, scared, steals Marcy’s gun. Tate sneaks into Vivian’s room to scare her, Vivian screams, Ben runs to Vivian’s aid, and Vivian shoots him. The EMTs save him. The shot was a through-and-through.

Ben gives Vivian some Valium, and Hayden appears to torment Vivian. Vivian, drugged, freaks and then tells Ben that she’s seeing Hayden. Cops arrive and take Vivian away to a mental institution for evaluation or something. We are officially mad at everyone on this show, except for Vivian. Also, this episode gets points off for not including Constance. The last thing we saw was a flashback to where Moira and Tate are setting up the gay guys’ deaths to look like a murder suicide. Tate tells Moira that it’s romantic that now the two will be together forever, which is the creepiest way to look at it ever. Who can think of romance after RAPING SOMEONE WITH A FIRE POKER IN THE ASS?

Episode grade: B-

Happy (American) Thanksgiving, ya'll. One post today. We'll do Parenthood and the rest of the Wednesday night shows tomorrow. We have turkey on which to feast.