Gossip Girl - The Back-up Dan

The first half of this episode was slooooow. Dair did NOT happen, as we might have thought they would, since Blair ran away from her wedding reception with Dan. No, instead the two hung around the airport, trying to get Blair a flight to the Dominican Republic, which is apparently a country where a bride can get a quick divorce without the groom’s signature. What about an annulment, Blair? Louis married you under false pretences. He pretended to love you and then said horrible things to you right after. You’ve only been married for hours. There’s no judge in the world that wouldn’t give you this, and prenups are void when there is an annulment. UGH! Stupid!

Blair spends a long time in her wedding dress when she and Dan totally could have dropped by a store to get her a change of normal clothes on the way to the airport. When Blair can’t get a flight because she didn’t bring her passport, Dan takes her to a hotel. Blair moans and groans about Dan’s poverty and inability to fix things for her. Dan retorts that he’s been a good friend. That’s RIGHT Blair. Bad hair boy is not your servant. Blair apologizes, and the two hug. That’s really all we get from the two of them. We don’t really blame Blair, because Dan is such a sexless little creature. Who would bone him at this point? Serena, but that’s it.

Blair is reminded that she signed a prenuptial agreement that says if she doesn’t stay married to Louis for a year, her family will have to pay some extravagant dowry mentioned in the agreement. Blair’s mom would have to sell her business to raise the funds. Call. A. Lawyer. Oh my God, this is KILLING Ern. Blair got into an Ivy League school and her mother owns a very successful BUSINESS. Why can they not do rational things to get Blair out of a sham marriage and a bad, archaic contractual obligation?

Nate and Lola/real Charlie almost started hanging out, but Nate heard her lie to her mom. Apparenly Aunt Carol thinks this girl goes to Michigan State, but she is in NYC trying to be an actress and going to Julliard. Wow, Real Charlie is a master of lies. Nate forgives her once he hears that her mother is overprotective, but Real Charlie is hesitant to enter Nate’s rich world, especially after he joked about his rich cousin trying to kill him. She needs to stay drama-free, what with the secret life and all.

Georgina runs around trying to make trouble and we find out that she has not been Gossip Girl for the last five years. Georgie took over after the Chuck/Blair accident, filling in for the real Gossip Girl, who is MIA. We feel lied to by the show and the showrunners who gave interviews about the Georgina twist last week, but we are glad Georgina isn’t Gossip Girl. No one was a fan of that reveal, we think.

Serena, Chuck, and Georgina show up at the hotel where Blair is and Georgina tells everyone that it was Serena who sent the love confession video that ruined the wedding last week. Blair is angry at Serena, but Serena just walks out, feeling like they are even because Blair whisked Dan away, knowing how Serena feels about him. After hours of getting no response from Dan, Serena feels like he has answered her question. She is rejected. Good! Stop stalking him, girl.

Later, Serena tells Chuck that she took the blame for the video so that he and Blair could be together. She didn’t send it. Chuck tells her that he didn’t send it either. Only Georgina knows the real sender. Yawn. It’s Dan. We don’t know why Serena and Chuck don’t just decide it’s Georgina and call it a day. The wedding is ruined, no one wanted to see it happen, and whoever did it deserves a medal. Who cares who did it guys.

Chuck offers to save Blair, buying her out of marriage with Louis by paying the dowry. We LOVE good Chuck. Blair decides that they must be equals if they are ever going to work and doesn’t want to go into a relationship with Chuck owing him anything. Ugh, there’s that girl power again ruining Chuck and Blair. Besides, Blair doesn’t want Chuck buying her from Louis. The buying and selling of Blair is what ruined them in season three. Eleanor tells the mean queen that her daughter is not for sale and that she too is willing to pay the dowry. Blair tells her mother no too and goes off with Louis on their honeymoon. It’s only a year, right? Gross, but this is way more believable an obstacle than Blair’s deal with God.

Good lines:

Chuck: “Why would she be on the roof?” Serena: “I don’t know, maybe I’ve seen The Hangover too many times.” Plus 2

“You think I’d be insulted by somebody who carries a Samsonite?”

“That’s not a Dorota knock. She’s a stickler for ‘Shave and a Haircut.’” So is Ern. And Leeard's dad.

GUESS WHAT WE JUST REMEMBERED? Cyrus, Eleanor’s husband and Blair’s stepfather, WHO LIVES WITH THEM is a DIVORCE and entertainment attorney. We are going to strangle these writers.

Episode grade: B-