The Oscars 2013

We don't usually review awards shows, but we thought we'd start. Armed with a pack of Guinness, a pizza, cell phones to text friends, and whoever we could strong arm into watching this with us, we sat down to view the show, determined to make it until midnight. Ern, in particular, is a huge pussy when it comes to staying up past your average grandmother's bedtime.



Seth MacFarlane comes out and we groan. You know how we feel about Family Guy. This blog is a South Park place. Ern was surprised at how easy he was to watch. He had charisma, a decent voice, he looked good, and he had just the right amount of pep. Leeard was less thrilled. Here's how that conversation went.

Leeard: Dammit, Seth MacFarlane, stop making me think you're attractive.
Ern: This is great.
Leeard: It is not. You take that back right now.
Ern: It is the best. (Exaggerating, obviously)
Leeard: If I thought you were being serious, I would want to hurt you.
Ern: *Laughs real hard at the boob song, and it's genuine*
Leeard: I refuse to believe you're being serious. Good God, Melissa McCarthy, fire your stylist.

The opening went on a little too long and the two "serious" opening songs were unnecessary, even if they had the good sense to use Daniel Radcliffe (and then the horrible sense to put him with K-Stew later in the show...ugh, anything related to Twilight is unworthy of standing next to The Mr. Harry F***ing Potter himself).

The worst thing about the show this year was that they made it musical-themed. It's a 3.5-hour show, do we really need to see a number from Chicago in there? The theme added unnecessary padding and length. It made the show feel unorganized, all-over-the-place, choppy, and wrong. We know they always do it, but it's annoying how this show pays tribute to the Best Picture nominees throughout the show. Just do it at the end before you announce the winner so that we can actually focus on what's important in the moment.

They need to cut and streamline. No themes. Keep it simple. Opening monologue with jokes, songs from the people nominated for songs, awards/presenters, tribute to the dead, speeches, closing, and done. Is anyone else sick of hearing Jennifer Hudson scream that Dreamgirls song? If they were going to do that, they should have gotten Beyonce to sing Listen, because you should always pick Beyonce.

Why do they spend so much time on Les Mis when a) it wasn't a breathtaking arrangement or performance, b) we've already seen it, and c) there is no way it was ever going to win best picture. The musical wasn't the movie of the night, so why all the musical stuff? We did think the Sound of Music reference was funny though.

None of the presenters were any good, and it seemed like Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy were on crack or something. You know what else could have been cut entirely? The Bond tribute. No one cares. Just let Adele sing her song and leave. Shirley Bassey? Go home, and take that abominable fake skin dress with you. Stop wasting our lives, Oscars.

We can't believe the Academy rewarded Quentin Tarantino for his n-word-laden Django script, but okay. We enjoyed that move and really enjoyed Tarantino shutting the orchestra up. Why would you want to silence Tarantino? He might say something that's actually entertaining! Let him talk all night.

The biggest surprise for us was Christoph Waltz's win for Django. We love Waltz, but he didn't do much that was new or special. He just played a guy who was easy to like. We think Samuel L. Jackson had the meatier role and should have been nominated. We wanted Tommy Lee-Jones to win.

We were so happy Jennifer Lawrence won. We would also have been happy with Jessica Chastain, but no one else. We believe the trip was real (and good Lord, Hugh Jackman, you've already proven you're a gentleman. Sit down.) and we liked her joke about it in her speech. She seemed shocked and breathless and totally herself, just the way we like her. A deserved win.

Daniel Day-Lewis is great, but does he really need another Oscar? His speech was pretty funny, for him, a more serious man than even Tommy Lee-Jones. Predictable win. We wanted Hugh, Joaquin, or Bradley. Anne Hathaway's win was also a guaranteed lock, but we were thrilled. Ern cries every time she hears even a recording of Anne's I Dreamed a Dream. Turns out, that song benefits more from emotion than perfect singing.

We were sad that Lincoln and Zero Dark Thirty didn't get more awards. They were both great movies in opposite ways. As bad as ZDT made you feel about the state of our world and our country's history, Lincoln made you feel that hopeful that there will always be good people here who will fight against injustice and cruelty. Spielberg should have gotten Best Director over Ang Lee, in our opinions. Argo was our pick for best picture though, out of the choices given.

Kristin Chenoweth needs to find something to do that doesn't make her seem annoying. Hosting awards shows is NOT IT. Quirky TV like Pushing Daisies, guest starring on big shows like Glee, and Broadway? That's what you're for. Finally, Michelle Obama is not doing her husband any favors by opening the last Oscars envelope, because he already gets enough criticism for cosying up with celebs. The president and first lady should really stick to quietly running the country. Love Michelle though.

As for the red carpet dresses, none of them were great. Jennifer Garner's was the worst, and the best was probably Charlize or maybe even Queen Latifah. For some reason, full-figured women have trouble dressing themselves for the red carpet in a way that's flattering. It can be done, and it doesn't involve just covering everything up. Adele should take note. The closing song was dumb. Night night to little Erns. Never staying up that late again.

Amy and Tina 2014? Please, ladies?