Camelot - Lady of the Lake recap

If you haven't seen this show and wonder what it's like, this is the recap for you.

Previously, on Camelot: A weak boy with a rat face covered in peach fuzz became King Arthur. He slept with his brother’s girlfriend. One of his men, Leontes, saved his life. So he slept with Leontes’ fiancé the day before the wedding. Some of his men forced great warrior Gawain, who was hiding out, to come help the new king. Arthur’s half-sister, Morgan, was better than him, if a little melodramatic. The hack playing Merlin whispered, even when the person he was talking to was all the way on the other side of the room.

The episode begins with super-serious credits, a choir boy serenading us, and foggy images warning us that this is a legendary legend of legendness. The music speeds up and a half naked woman touches her neck. This warns us that this is a sexy legend. End credits. A run-down castle sits on a magnificent cliff. Arthur walks through his throne room, doing his best “pensive look.” He sits down and smells a flower from Guinevere’s wedding.

This, of course, reminds him of one time when he had sex with her. This, of course, serves as an excuse for Starz to show it again. Psh, we have better racks than that blonde stick. Back in present time, Arthur gives the command for his men to start training to fight. Dude, it’s been weeks of attacks and you are just now getting to that? Not only does this king have no honor, but he’s stupid too.

Leontes fondles his sleeping wife, Guinevere. Her hair is yellow and her eyebrows are black. She wakes up and pretends to love him. She asks him when they can get some land and leave Camelot (leaving all memory of her whoredom behind). Surely Leontes can build a better wooden cabin than King Arthur’s nasty, moss-ridden castle? Of course, it’s not that simple, Guin. Leontes wants to stay. We get a shot of Leontes' ass crack.

Claire Forlani, the actress who plays Arthur’s birthmother, is so much older than she was when she sexed up Brad Pitt in the tearjerking Meet Joe Black. But she is still amazingly beautiful. Good job bringing her back to screens, show. She sits, talking with Merlin. Merlin feeds her an apple. We bet they have sex one day. Merlin and Mommy notice Arthur creeping on Leontes and Guin kissing. They are concerned. Merlin whispered. God knows what he said. Or maybe not even God can hear that man…

Finally, Camelot shows us our girl, Morgan, and her superior castle. She seems hurt and upset. Her servant is concerned. Her servant is black. This show is probably racist. Back to Arthur. His army blows. Gawain asks Arthur what they are fighting for. “Freedom,” a very original Arthur replies. Gawain does not accept this response. “Then why are you here?” Arthur asks. “They told me you were worth following,” the Gawain replies. Because, you see, that is the essence of the Arthur story. He is a king worth following and believing in. But alas….in this incarnation, there is nothing to recommend him. Seriously, what are his good traits?

Gawain decides he wants to see Arthur fight. They battle. Arthur loses. What CAN this guy do? Merlin, ever in denial, decides that what Arthur lacks is a decent sword. Doesn’t Arthur have the sword he pulled from the stone now? In any case, the Gawain tells Merlin where he got his own swords. Merlin pulls Arthur aside to scold him for liking Guin. Oh Merlin, don’t you know teenagers? Old people denying them access just makes them want it more.

Arthur’s Mommy corners Guin and makes the excellent point that men will only want Guin because she is forbidden, being all married and whatnot. Back to Morgan. She is riding through the hills, still suffering and she wants to make it to Camelot to scope out Guin. Morgan's slave puts her foot down. Morgan’s safety comes first, and they should return to the castle that won’t give Morgan pneumonia. Arthur and Guin meet. Desperate to address the important things, Arthur asks if Leontes is better than him in bed. Guin didn’t answer, so we are assuming we are correct in answering “YES.” Guin tells Arthur it’s over. Arthur gives her his usual fish eyes.

Merlin rides a horse through a field to get to the sword maker, a choir intensely backing up his boring ride. Careful Merlin, a bald head like that can get a mighty burn if you don’t start wearing a hat on day-long journeys. Morgan returns to her castle to find a creepy old nun. “Who let her in? Get her out,” Morgan hollers. Morgan rages about her room, looking Gollum-esque. We think she has histrionic personality disorder.

Gawain starts training Arthur’s men. He cuts Kay’s arm. Arthur has a hissy. He says, “I need an honorable instructor.” Well, Arthur, we need an honorable protagonist. It’s too easy, Camelot. Quit feeding us lines. Gawain, still instructing, puts a knife to Arthur’s neck. He’s just reached favorite character status. Of course, that’s like being the tallest midget. But still. Leontes and Kay freak out. Dudes, he diddled both your women! Gawain lets Arthur go.

Back to Morgan, who is lying in her bed, looking like a sea corpse from the deep. She gets up, feeling better and wanting food. She eats ravenously, and it is more passionate than any love scene ever on this show. Morgan reveals to her servant that the nun comes from the convent Uther sent her to as a girl. She demands more food and starts bleeding from the eyes. The nun is invited inside.

Merlin catches the sword maker who demands that Merlin leave his property and threatens to slit Merlin from a**hole to cakehole. Clever (sarcasm). They whisper threateningly at each other before the sword maker invites Merlin inside. Back to Morgan. The nun figures out that Morgan’s body is “under attack” because she performed a summoning. Back to Merlin, who has described Arthur as “not strong.” Even Merlin admits it. The sword maker (oh, correction, “Blade Master”) starts making Arthur a sword. Even though we distinctly remember Arthur pulling a sword from a stone. And then falling and hitting his head. The Blade Master taunted Merlin about how Merlin doesn’t use his powers a lot. Merlin wigs, goes into the woods, and starts a tall fire in a fireplace. He enjoys it. The Blade Master’s daughter sees him do that.

Morgan is dying. She demands that the nun get her through this. The nun gives her a pep talk. Morgan screams that the crown means everything to her. She starts seeing visions of her dead lover and dead father. She passes out. It looks like she died, but we know better. Flash to Merlin, who is dreaming. His dream includes Arthur getting stabbed in the gut.

Merlin wakes. The Blade Master shows Merlin Arthur’s new sword. “Best I’ve ever made,” he says. Of course it is. Cliché freaking show. The Blade Master wants to take it to Arthur himself, but Merlin objects, saying that he didn’t want the old soldier near his king. After that dream, this might be a smart move. The two fought and Merlin burned the Blade Master to a crisp. What an idiot, fighting a sorcerer with a sword.

The Blade Master’s daughter was upset and bashed the sword’s handle on Merlin’s head. It seems she is as smart as her father. She should have stuck him with the pointy end. We guess sword talent isn’t genetic. She fled with the sword to a lake, got in a boat, and started rowing out. Merlin froze the lake. The girl grabbed the sword and fell into the unfrozen part of the lake. The lake froze over the girl, but she reached the sword up through the ice. The ice froze around her arm and Merlin grabbed the sword from her. She pounded at the ice, but Merlin couldn’t save her. Don’t have a spell to melt ice, bro? He apologized down at the ice. Well, that makes it better.

Morgan woke up. The nun says she was “reborn.” She put Morgan to bed, but just when we thought she was fine, she started thrashing and squealing like a possessed person in a horror movie. The nun led Morgan to a mirror and it was revealed that Morgan now looks just like Arthur’s Mommy. Morgan was upset but then realized that she can feel what Mommy is feeling over in Arthur’s hovel. “Pain. She’s feeling pain.” Morgan smiles wickedly. This whole Morgan storyline was weird this week.

Back to Arthur, stalking through the halls of his castle. Clearly, he has nothing better to do. His Mommy stops him and gives him the “there are other fish in the sea” sentiment. He mouths off and she slaps him. She said that a lot of people died when Arthur’s father took a forbidden woman and she wouldn’t let that happen again. Arthur went back to the training camp, gave a hypocritical speech, and challenged Leontes to a fight. Guin was there to see it. It was just a practice fight, so no one won, but it won Gawain over to Arthur’s side. Darn. Guin and Arthur had another little “it’s over” spat.

Merlin sat at a bar, picked a fight, and got his butt handed to him. Interesting character development? Did he want to punish himself for the day's events? Merlin returned to Arthur’s castle with the new sword. Mouth open, Arthur unwrapped it. Everyone looked at it in awe, like it was Harry Potter’s Firebolt or something. Merlin lied about how he got the sword, making up some crazy story about mist and a siren. The siren supposedly named the sword Excalibur. Mouth still open, Arthur held it up, moving it slowly. Cut to the Blade Master’s daughter floating in the lake. End.

Once again, we don’t care about the protagonists, Arthur is lame, and we want Morgan to win.

Episode grade: F