Bunheads - What’s your damage, Heather?

An actual ballet class? We haven’t gotten to see one of those yet. Oh, and it’s for little kids. Alright, that’s cute. We still want to see a little of a real ballet class though. EIGHT years, Ginny? Eight years?!! Ginny is like 15!!  Fanny still isn’t back. Michelle discovers a leak in her roof and calls a plumber. Then she takes the girls out to eat. They discuss body issues. Snore. 

Michelle accidentally convinces Ginny to dump her gay boyfriend. You know, that one she’s been dating for eight years who brings her goodie baskets. Ginny’s nasty real estate broker mom yells at Michelle over this because she needs gay boyfriend around as some sort of glue and helper around the house (and surrogate husband). 

Sasha steals Michelle’s shirt and they have a fight. We LOVED Michelle taking Sasha to task (when she shouted the episode’s title). Sasha really should have gotten that reference, but we doubt most of the people watching ABC Family did. And then they showed us a little of a ballet class. Nice, show. Michelle has a little meltdown about not being perfect with the girls and feeling overwhelmed with the studio. Boo’s awesome Mom, Nanette, feeds Michelle cookies and encouragement. We still don't like Truly, even when she's less pathetic. We did like the Gilmore Girls alum who stopped by to do the plumbing...

Charlie asks Boo to talk him up with the newly single, and “hot,” Ginny. Poor Boo. Guys need to retire that term. “Hot” is the least intimate way a guy can say he finds a girl attractive. It’s callous, objectifying, and too casual for the sentiment. Don’t let guys call you hot. Lots of people are complaining that this show has no discernible plot, even episode-to-episode. We agree, and if one doesn’t crop up soon, one week we’re going to get too bored to tune in. This is the most meandering show we’ve ever seen. It also feels so unnatural (STILL). We are still enjoying Sutton Foster though. We love that the girls are getting more screen time, and we REALLY loved the 50 Shades of Grey dis from last week's episode. 

Episode grade: B-

Best Entertainment Deaths Part 2: Surprising, disturbing, or shocking deaths

We are continuing our list of best entertainment deaths. Weeks ago, we listed the saddest deaths (Mufasa. Tear.) Now we are listing the ones that we didn’t see coming.

Major spoiler warnings for LOST, Harry Potter book six, Game of Thrones season one, Dexter season four, 24 season five, The Stand, The Departed, The Sixth Sense, Se7en, Burn After Reading, Animal Kingdom, Full Metal Jacket, The Hurt Locker, Scream, The Dresden Files (books, not the stupid TV show), and American History X.

LOST - There were lots of deaths on this show, but the one we most loved was one of the best scenes of the whole series (according to Ern). Ben talked Locke down from the ledge, and we were touched at Ben’s show of humanity. Then Locke says some seemingly innocuous thing about Eloise Hawking and Ben’s face changes. Without warning, Ben kills Locke by strangling him in one of the most shocking and gripping TV scenes of all time. We were bummed, since Locke was awesome. Later, Ben got the chance to apologize and we were grateful for that.

Harry Potter - It’s the example of a big spoiler for a reason. If you were reading the sixth book, you knew Dumbledore was going to die. He was spending a lot of time with Harry and imparting wisdom. He had a nasty dead hand. But HOW and WHEN Dumbledore died made the death shocking. Raise your hand if you never doubted that Snape was good, even right after that. *Raises hand*

Game of Thrones - This show loves to kill people in gruesome ways, even if they are…the main charater?!! Up until the moment Ned Stark was beheaded, people thought Arya would find some way to save him. There was no hint that it was coming. No foreshadowing. After it happened, people were stunned. When Ern read the book in high school, the death was so surprising that it took Ern a while to pick the book up again. How can you kill one of the only (if not the only) character you could fully root for? In George R.R. Martin’s world, no one is safe.

Dexter - This show’s best season also got rid of one of its best characters. Sure, in season four Rita was starting to grate on people’s nerves. She was nagging Dexter, but when your husband is out at all hours of the night, leaving you with a baby, you have to wonder where he is. Obviously, Dexter couldn’t tell her. People wanted Rita dead, but then it actually happened. We thought the baddie was gone. Trinity was dead. Then Dexter came home and found Rita’s body in the bathtub. What a way to end a season! And we didn’t see it coming at all.

24 - In the season five premiere, the show offed two of our favorite characters from the previous seasons. President Palmer was the best president America ever had (shut up. He was real.) and Michelle Dessler was the most attractive woman on 24 thus far, not to mention the sweetest. After killing these characters, and gravely wounding Tony Almeida, the show turned in its best season. Way to start things off with a bang and then run with it.

The Stand by Stephen King - It’s been a while since we’ve read this book, so we don’t remember this guy’s name. We do remember that he was deaf and we liked him. He blew up in the middle of the book. Stephen King had a big case of writer’s block halfway through this puppy, and in order to get it rolling again, he had to kill this character. We understand that, but it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

The Departed - The end. Normally we would have hated deaths like that, but this movie was so strong, overall, that we just admired its balls.

The Sixth Sense - Duh. Almost all of us were surprised by this one.

Se7en - When John Doe took the two main detectives out to the desert to find his last two kills, we didn’t think any twist could live up to the rest of the movie. We thought the ending would be lame and a total letdown. But then the movie defied formula and had a head in a box and its hero blowing away a criminal who had already been caught. The deaths at the end left us viscerally stunned and so, so impressed.

Burn After Reading - It was surprising when Brad Pitt’s character, Chad, was killed in the middle of the thing, partly because of how it happened and partly because he was by far the most entertaining character in the movie. He took a lot of the movie’s fun with him, but his death was list-worthy.

Animal Kingdom - This movie had another surprising death that maybe came too early. Animal Kingdom made us like Baz, despite his criminal doings. Just as he was getting out of the thieving life, dirty cops shot him. It was good for the movie in that it made the audience root for the family over cops who would just murder a man, but we missed the guy as much as his friends did. 

Full Metal Jacket - Pyle’s suicide. The whole first half of this movie is incredible.

The Hurt Locker/Scream - These movies killed its big names early. Scream had Drew Barrymore just to off her in the first scene. The Hurt Locker waived the likes of Guy Pierce in our faces only to blow all the recognizable actors up in their first scenes. The movie did this twice. We loved it.

The Dresden Files - Too few of you read these books, in our opinions. But for those who do: Weren’t you surprised in Turn Coat when Morgan died? After all the effort Harry expended trying to save him from unjust execution? Just when we started to like the douchebag too. These books are ending darker and darker. That death was followed by Susan’s in Changes, and while we never really liked her, it was horrible the way Harry had to kill her. Then Harry kills himself?!! We really didn’t see that one coming. Keep an eye on the people in this series. They are starting to drop like flies. We are preparing our tissues for the inevitable deaths of Ebenezer and Thomas.

American History X - This is the disturbing one. Does anyone know what curb stomping is? Now we do. The death at the end was pretty awful too. This is a tough movie, but Edward Norton has never been better. 

Add yours, preciouses.

The Glee Project - Romanticality

Does this show know that “romanticism” is a word?

We didn’t blog about "Theatricality" and "Tenacity" (the last two episodes) because we had stuff going on. We’re sure you thought we would be upset that Nellie went home, but we felt like it was time. She didn’t take the advice and run with it. She got her second chance. We love her and her voice, but we don’t think she went home too early. It was deserved. We were SO SO SO glad Abraham went home in "Tenacity". Lily killed her song and Michael is so cute. Ern really loves Lily. Shanna is the most likeable, as a person, of the girls though. Ali keeps killing it. Ugh! Ern really hates her voice unless she is belting a long note. Then her voice loses that shrillness and gets some depth.

About Abraham: Ern has a newfound respect for Ryan Murphy. When Abraham tried to kiss up to him and talk about Ryan’s “adorable little hats,” Ryan was like, “Stop the flattery. Get real.” Ern haaaaaaaaaaaates being complimented. Unless she knows the person well, it always feels like the person wants something. Not to mention the fake thing. Ern is told that she needs to give more compliments because not everyone feels that way. It could be so. Anyway, Ryan acted like a big, gay Ern when he shut Abraham down. There was just something weird with Abraham’s attitude, and his voice wasn’t as good as the others.

This week, we have Romanticality and Darren Criss. Someone thinks the romantic relationships on Glee are “iconic”? Whaaaa? He also thinks the show has had “groundbreaking” scenes. Maybe the part where Kurt lost his virginity at the same time as Rachel? Maybe. But that’s it. Man, these kids always sound good on the homework challenges. Shanna is like, “I don’t get negative feedback.” Umm, when there are only six people left, you’re gonna. Of course the hot one won the challenge. We didn’t appreciate his girl impersonation. The girls don’t sound like that when they talk, especially Lily. Maybe Ali sounds like that.

Poor Blake! How can you be on Glee and not be able to do harmony?!! FINN can do harmony. Of course, harmony is something anyone with an ear can learn to do. You just have to practice. We recommend singing along with boy bands (even if you hate them). Those bands have obvious harmony, and the songs are harmony-friendly. Sing along with those harmony parts, and you will soon be picking it out of regular songs. You didn’t see anyone going nuts over the guest principal. Sad. We’ve got to give it to Ali and Blake. They were the sexiest. “We Found Love” was a really cute video (for this show, anyway).

We feel bad for Aylin. It’s tough for a straight girl to create chemistry with another girl that’s more believable than two straight couples. We thought the songs they gave the bottom three were difficult. Leeard wanted to see Aylin go, but Ern wanted to see Blake go. Of course, he’s not going home because he’s adorable. Ern wanted to keep Aylin because she makes the show interesting and Ern likes her voice, even though it’s a little breath-y. Both of us wanted to keep Shanna, and we were pretty sure she was safe since it’s her first time in the bottom three. Of course she then proceeded to suck a little.

Aylin gave Ern chills singing “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.” Beautiful. Too bad she forgot the words. Blake’s nerves affected his rendition of “Losing My Religion,” an overdone, but nice song. He sounded good. Now let’s hear him do harmony with it. Shanna sang “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson, and she forgot the words too. Still, we think she sounded better than Mercedes did singing it. Shanna’s voice had more oomph, especially in the beginning before she forgot the words. Ryan has to, essentially, ask her, “What is about you that can be on Glee? Do you have a handicap? Are you gay?” Nope. She’s normal. That means she’s gone. We’re so angry.

Episode grade: F

It was kind of boring too.

Leeard's Picks - Tubey Awards Fourth Round

Best Drama - Game of Thrones
As I'm sure Ern has complained about before, I've only seen 3 episodes of Breaking Bad, so I obviously didn't pick that. Castle is one of my guiltiest pleasures, but there's no way it can beat Game of Thrones. The Vampire Diaries was a very, very close second, since it's arguably my favorite show, but GoT is definitely better.

Best New Show - New Girl
I tried to choose this one based on which show I'd most miss from my life if it had never been created. That narrowed it down to New Girl, Revenge, and Suits. I think Suits is a really under-appreciated show, but I can't imagine not having New Girl to watch.

Most Ludicrous Plotline - Will Schuester suddenly doesn't know Spanish despite teaching it for years, Glee
Okay, Ern's explanation for this makes sense, but I still think it's ludicrous. I'd believe that he could get a job without knowing Spanish (they needed a teacher, he was able to fake it enough that a high school principal in Ohio was tricked), but after years of teaching it, he STILL doesn't know the language? Nope. Not buying it.

Best Reality Show Host or Judge - Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Um obviously. My love for Cat is well-documented. I love Blake Shelton on The Voice, and Zach Woodlee is good, but no one is better than Cat Deeley and The Glee Project is not as good as SYTYCD.

Worst Reality Show Host or Judge - Brooke Burke, Dancing with the Stars
She's basically just the worst in general, now that Christina Milian isn't an option. She's pointless. And a bad interviewer.

Best Single Episode, Drama - "Blackwater", Game of Thrones
Okay, so "Always" has just a massive portion of my heart, but "Blackwater" was just a badass hour of television.

Best Single Episode, Comedy - "Remedial Chaos Theory", Community
Possibly the greatest episode of any television show in the past year. I've seen it roughly 15 times, and I will continue to watch it. It never gets old.

Most Unwelcome New Character - Talisa, Game of Thrones
Ugh. Ern has heard me talk about how much I hate Talisa. She just annoys me. Nellie Bertram from The Office was a close second. She's just kind of a gross person.

Most Welcome New Character - Jaqen H'ghar, Game of Thrones
While I don't have the same issue with characters from new shows being nominated in this category as Ern does (um, they're LITERALLY new characters, Ern, that makes them valid choices), I'm still going with Jaqen. I'll miss you and your hot face next season.

Best Guest Star - Paul Rudd, Parks and Recreation
Can I choose none of the above? Please? I've only seen roughly 3 of the episodes with Paul Rudd, so I don't feel like I should be able to pick him but whatever. All of the other options stink (or I don't watch the show).

Most Anticipated New Show of the 2012-13 Season - Elementary
I'm actually really looking forward to The Mindy Project, but I didn't want to copy Ern on another thing. Also, The Carrie Diaries is apparently a real thing, and not a show I imagined in a hazy dream.

Favorite Show to Hate Watch - Smash
It might surprise some of you, but I actually kind of love Keeping up with the Kardashians. Mainly Khloe. Like, I follow her on twitter. She's kind of the best. That show doesn't (usually) make me hate myself. Smash does. It makes me wonder on a weekly basis why I'm wasting my precious time watching this nonsense.

Guiltiest TV Pleasure - 2 Broke Girls
Yeah it's not the best show, but I laugh more during an episode of 2 Broke Girls than I do when my dad forces me to watch Two and a Half Men or reruns of Seinfeld. Also, I freely admit to people that I watch Pretty Little Liars, so Ern needs to get over herself. (Ern sidenote: Never. Also, I agree that Khloe is cool. I heard her on the radio and thought she was smart/funny.)

The fourth round of the Tubey Awards - Ern’s picks

Best Drama - The Good Wife

For me, it was down to Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, The Good Wife, and The Vampire Diaries. Mad Men had its most entertaining season this year, but is Fun Megan really enough to make the show best drama? Eliminated. Game of Thrones is incredible and was so much fun this year, but it felt like a lot of middle. Plus, Jaime was sidelined for most of it. Eliminated. Breaking Bad had a good second half of the season, but the first half was incredibly slow. Eliminated. The Vampire Diaries couldn’t top season two. The beginning of the season and the season finale were unbelievably good and fast-moving, but the middle stopped the show cold. The Alaric stuff bored me a  little, and there was hardly any plot movement when Klaus was walking around Mystic Falls, whining and not killing anybody. Then there was the ridiculous tree stake plotline. TVD is better than that season middle. The Good Wife also had its most entertaining season this year, and it had all those fun guest stars and plot twists. So that’s my pick, and I’m really shocked. Last round, I picked Breaking Bad. I just love all these shows so much!

Best New Show - Once Upon a Time

Girls didn’t make it to the finals. Ugh. I quickly narrowed this down to American Horror Story, Homeland, New Girl, and Once Upon a Time. You may be wondering why I didn’t even consider Revenge though. Frankly, because the first half of every episode is painfully boring before things get rolling, and it’s such a soapy, frothy, shallow trifle that I would never pick it over the four shows above. Sure, I watch Revenge, but vengeance isn’t really an idea I find interesting. Nolan makes that show worth it for me. Oh yeah, and hot guys. Anyway, back to my choices. American Horror Story is not going to win because it was not at all scary. Ryan Murphy threw everything he could at the show and made everything stick. He built no suspense and his twists were predictable and contrived. Still, it was in my top four because it was so entertaining and easy to watch. Plus, Connie Britton. I feel like the other three shows are so different but equally good for what they are. So my test for this one was: “If a new episode of all three of these great shows was out right now, which one would I want to watch first?”

Most Ludicrous Plotline - Carl is allowed total freedom to wander around (The Walking Dead)

I loooove this category. So fun. How did “Sue’s Pregnancy from Glee” not make it to the finals?!! I will go through each choice.1) A musical masterpiece completely came together in just a few months after one unsuccessful workshop went straight to an out-of-town opening within the span of a few weeks. (Smash) - I’m not that bewildered by this. They were under pressure, in a hurry, and surrounded by talent. I do all my best work at the last minute. Why not these people? 2) All of Season 7 (Supernatural) - I’m only on season six, but I doubt I would ever pick this show for a negative quality. It’s just too fun. It was never supposed to be good. It’s a gory, adorable guilty pleasure for nerds. It’s not supposed to be believable. It’s called “Supernatural.” 3)-4) Blair picks Chuck/Blair decides to give a relationship with Brooklyn a try (Gossip Girl) - Blair picking Chuck is not at all ludicrous. They are meant for each other. The second one is more annoying than ludicrous. 5) Carl is allowed total freedom to wander around (The Walking Dead) - Yeah, his parents would never let him do that in real life. There be ZOMBIES about. 6) Finchel engagement (Glee) - Not ludicrous so much as just dull and stupid. Like most things on that show 7) Just a few days after being able to walk, Quinn can do choreographed dances at Nationals with no issue (Glee) - I know I can’t learn/do choreographed dances even with perfect legs (Leeard says they are my best feature), so I can see how this is a legit pick. 8) Rachel bombs her audition, but still gets into her dream school (Glee) - This is completely believable because LEA MICHELE SINGING. 9) Stefan can again become a love interest for Elena after slaughtering people as a "ripper" (The Vampire Diaires) - Look, until he becomes not hot, he can still be a love interest. Also, Damon has been killing people on purpose for years. Just because Stefan was more disgusting about it doesn’t make it worse, especially since Stefan didn’t do it on purpose. 10) Will Schuester suddenly doesn't know Spanish despite teaching it for years (Glee) - Totally believable. Will is a moron and our public schools are crap.

Best Reality Show Host or Judge - Zach Woodlee, The Glee Project.

We first had to narrow this down to the reality shows I watch. I usually hate them. That leaves the following. Adam Levine (The Voice) - He has a cuter personality than I would have thought possible by looking at him, because he looks like a total douche. Blake Shelton (The Voice) - I actually think he’s kind of a dick on this show. Cat Deeley (So You Think You Can Dance)- There’s Leeard’s pick. Zach Woodlee (The Glee Project) - Holy cuteness mixed with compassion for those whiners? Mmmhmmm.

Worst Reality Show Host or Judge - Randy Jackson, American Idol.

May I pick all of them? Reality TV is a blight on my favorite hobby. Christina Aguilera on The Voice gets an unfair shake. She came from an abusive household and spent her entire life in the spotlight. Of course she is going to be cold, un-vulnerable, and mildly bitchy. That’s why she is a) alive, and b) not insane. She had to build that wall. Sorry she’s not soft enough for you vultures. I almost want to pick Jennifer Lopez for how much she hated on Haley Reinhart for being sexy and AWESOME, but that was last year, so I will leave J-Lo alone. Nicole Scherzinger on The X Factor played dumber than she actually is, so she’s another tempting show. Ryan Murphy is genuine, entertaining, and no-bullshit on The Glee Project. I would never pick him for this. Tyra Banks? If by worst, you mean crazy, brilliant, arrogant, twisted, disgusting, shameless, gorgeous, and the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen? Then yeah, she’s the worst. I’m giving it to The Dawg. He never says anything worthwhile and he needs to leave the show. Literally no one likes him.

Best Single Episode – Drama - “Face Off” (Breaking Bad)

This. Was. Painful. I considered a couple of these. Blackwater (Game of Thrones) - This is a show I love, and this is possibly my favorite episode of it. It was chock-full of Tyrion, one of the undoubted best characters, and THE BATTLE OMG with all the green fire and…I can’t even. It was fantastic, emotional, exciting, and perfect. But Breaking Bad’s “Face Off” made season four for me. The season built toward it. It ended with the perfect twist. I almost picked this for best drama, but really, the whole season was about this episode. It left me speechless.

Best Single Episode – Comedy - Remedial Chaos Theory (Community)

“Win Lose or Draw” from Parks and Recreation didn’t make it to the finals. Do people even WATCH that show?!! I cried in that episode 20 minutes before a law school exam. That’s how much that episode was able to pull me out of reality. I don’t even want to vote in this category now. I’m not voting for any The Big Bang Theory episode. I’ve tried so many times, but I don’t really like that show. It hates smart people/nerds and runs the same joke over and over. It’s better than most shows like it though. My Community pick is in one of the top 25 comedy episodes I’ve ever seen, period.

Most Unwelcome New Character - Rory (Glee)

I narrowed this down to Amanda Clarke the stripper (Revenge), Quinn (How I Met Your Mother), and Rory (Glee). I actually like Joe from Glee and Talisa from Game of Thrones. I feel like the only one! Rory was creepy and a total waste of time. His only redeeming quality is that he’s played by Damian, who is adorable and can sing like a young, Irish Sinatra. Only worse. Amanda the stripper is vile (but entertaining). Quinn is a distracting from important HIMYM endgames and her character is icky, but she’s played by one of my favorite TV actresses. Ughhhhhh. I’m going with Rory again. Just because, as a character, he has almost no redeeming qualities and makes the show even dumber.

Most Welcome New Character - Rebekah (The Vampire Diaries)

Because Bobby Newport opposed Leslie (who could?!!), Champion is a DOG, Coach Roz is a minor character, Constance doesn’t really seem to fit in this category (it was a new show. She’s not a new character), Meredith Fell is sketchy, Michonne was on The Walking Dead for like a second, and Ygritte hasn’t brought much good fortune yet. Jaqen was my second choice.

Best Guest Star- Paul Rudd (Parks and Recreation)

Felicia Day was on Supernatural?!! I can’t wait to get to that episode. Emilie de Ravin did NOT fit Belle for me in Once Upon a Time, and she had an Australian accent when no one else in her world does. For me, it came down to Carrie Preston and Paul Rudd. Misha Collins is so cute and hilarious, but he’s not a guest star. He’s on Supernatural all the time. And, again, I didn’t see season seven. I’m over Glee people. Dot Marie Jones was great last year, but now all she does is cry. Matt Bomer is beautiful, but he annoyed me on Glee. Good voice though. Parks and Rec should win something on the Tubeys for this season. It was nearly perfect and Paul fit right in.

Most Anticipated Show of the 2012-2013 Season - The Mindy Project

Awful name, but after reading her book, I’m anxious to see what she would do with her own show. She’s a clever girl. Revolution is my second choice, but something that high-concept is either going to be terrible or it will just beg for an early cancellation that will piss me off.

Favorite Show to Hate Watch - Dance Moms

I don’t even want to hate watch Smash or True Blood anymore. Two and a Half Men is also unwatchable, even for hate. Keeping Up with the Kardashians is so freaking BORING. I’ve seen half an episode, and I admire the attention spans of its friends. America’s Next Top Model used to be my #1 pick for this, but I have since discovered Dance Moms. I am revolted and highly amused. It’s so gross the way they make little girls bear their midriffs and do sexual dances. I’m like, “What the hell, moms?” And then the fat one screams at everyone. Those little girls can dance WELL. They deserve more than that show. But man, it’s so fun to watch. Also, I genuinely like Grey’s Anatomy. And so does DEAN WINCHESTER, love of my life. Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

Guiltiest TV Pleasure - Pretty Little Liars

I liked 2 Broke Girls at first because I thought it had potential. Then it kept the canned jokes and racist side characters. Potential unrealized. I picked Dance Mom’s for the last thing. I think I’m gonna pick something I watch that I actually feel a little guilty about watching because it’s so bad. I do NOT feel bad about watching The Vampire Diaries. That show is the tits, and if I’m at all wrong for watching it, I don’t want to be right. I dropped Gossip Girl because it sucks now, and I don’t watch Teen Wolf. Everyone watches Revenge and loves it more than I do, so I don’t have to feel guilty about that. I get little pleasure out of Glee or True Blood. So it’s down to Pretty Little Liars and American Horror Story, both shows that entertain me. With AHS, I can just say, “I like seeing all the homages to old horror” and people still think I’m cool (hint: I’m not), so I have to pick PLL. I don’t see myself dropping it any time soon, and since I’m 25, I should not be watching it. I can’t even defend it to regular people like I can TVD.

Pretty Little Liars- Stolen Kisses

So, one of us wanted to watch The Glee Project this morning instead of PLL, but couldn’t find a link! That’s a first. Flabbergasted! This blogger couldn’t even find a paid link. Wtf. This never happens to us. PLL it is then. We miss our fall shows so much. And megavideo.

And I doooon't even know his last naaaame. Sing it, Aria.

Caleb is back in town?!! Yessss. This is a Wren, Toby, and Caleb-filled episode, which is our favorite kind of episode. They are all still hot too, in case you were wondering. The first Hanna/Caleb meeting broke our hearts a little. She’s not dating Wren, Caleb! Wren is for Spencer when she finally realizes that brains are more important than perfect stomach muscles. Marginally more important. Caleb said, “Whatever happened, Hanna is important to me.” And he’s still down to crush Mona. Even in a breakup, the boy is perfection. We liked him helping Spencer and them being friendly, but Spencer needs to get her hand off of his arm.

Hilariously, Aria doesn’t know what to wear that’s sophisticated enough for Ezra’s mom. Emily needed to say, “Girl, just take one of your regular dresses and remove all the feathers/accessories, and you are ready for the ball.” But she didn’t, so Aria ended up wearing one of Spencer’s dresses. We didn’t like it. She just could have worn something a lot better and less childish. Ezra’s mom is so pretty. Of course she’s a bitch. Aria handled her with gumption.

“No one will give a brown rat’s ass about her in Saratoga.” We love you, Hanna. And then WHAT THE HELL? A Hanna/Wren kiss? Ughhh, we kind of ship it. Poor crazy Paige. What is this show doing with Nate? We don’t like the way Emily and Paige got together. Creepy. Plus, that scene where Emily essentially told Paige that she wanted to make a go of things was slow and uninteresting. Then they proceed to swim laps? You’re doing it wrong, girls. One of us is getting bored with this show. It seems repetitive and never-changing. Still, this was one of the better episodes.

Episode grade: B+

Yeah Bitch! Magnets, Oh!- Breaking Bad season 5, episodes 1-3

Breaking Bad season five started three weeks ago and Ern is thrilled, obviously. *Start first person here.* Leeard didn’t catch up in time. While these episodes didn’t blow me away, they are setting up some real shit, I can tell. Plus, this show is pretty consistent. There are few, if any, lemons. The biggest problem for most people with this show is pacing. It’s deliberate, thoughtful, and always starts out slow in the beginning of seasons, ramping up the tension until the finales just make everything explode (often literally). The individual scenes are long, and there will be 30-40 seconds without dialogue. In short, this show takes patience. This isn’t The Vampire Diaries (not to knock the expertly paced TVD. That show is the tits).

Live Free or Die

We start the season a little over a year in the future. Walt coughs and takes pills, showing us that his cancer might be back. He is alone, travelling, on his birthday. The show wants to give us a peek at the direction in which Walter is heading. It’s nowhere good: Walt has an M62 in his trunk. That’s Big Nasty Gun for all of you non-gun nerds. Even worse, Walt has a full beard, and it's nasty. It's not as gross as Jack Shepherd's pube beard at the end of LOST season three, but it's close. Bright side? Walt has hair on his head. The show cuts right back to where last season ended, and Walt informs Skyler that he “won.” Now Skyler is really scared of her husband. The show hammers that point home by having her tell Walter that she is scared of him. Oh, Breaking Bad, your heavy-handedness is your Achilles heel, even to the critics sucking your meth-filled chode. But I forgive the show, since it is awesome.

The rest of the episode focuses on Walt, Jesse, and Mike teaming up to get Gus Fring’s laptop back from the police evidence storage room. Remember the camera watching them cook? Well, all of the footage went to that laptop. Jesse has the idea of the night: Magnets. So the three new amigos get this giant magnet and use it to destroy the laptop from outside the police station. That scene was great. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was just a lot of fun. If you are wondering how the Mike-Walter reunion went, you must know that they still hate each other. Mike almost shot Walt, but Jesse stepped in front of the gun, convincing Mike to hear Walt out. Heartbreaking. Walt is so nasty, even Saul tries to quit working for him. Walt walks up to him, menacingly though, and Saul cracks.

Possibly my favorite moment of the night (because I’m a horrible person) was seeing that Ted Beneke was alive. “WHAT?!!” you say. “But Ern, you hate Ted, as does every other Breaking Bad fan.” Yes, yes, this is so. But Ted’s current position is delicious. He looks like freaking Voldemort. He is sitting stiff in a hospital bed, head-shaved, with his entire torso in this giant halo/collar device. He looks like he won’t be able to talk, but he can. He’s terrified of Skyler and promises that he won’t say a word about his “accident” and that he will stay on her good side from now on. Skyler says, “Good.” Good on you, Skyler. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster, right? Admit it, fans. Death was too good and easy for Ted. And that's why you should always pay your taxes.

Episode grade: B+

Madrigal

An opening scene COMPLETELY IN GERMAN? Is this show trying to get me from “going steady” to “married to it.” Because I DO. I love German. Walt wants to get back into business. He easily enlists Jesse. Jesse begins the episode freaking out that he still can’t find the Ricin cigarette. He’s terrified someone (maybe a kid) will find it, smoke it, and die. Jesse, I just want to hug you, take you home, feed you sandwiches, and tell you to forgive yourself for your entire life. No one on this show has that kind of conscience. Jesse knows that cigarette was his responsibility. Walt plants the cigarette in Jesse’s house so that they can find it together. Upon finding it, Jesse breaks down, crying and apologizing to Walter for not trusting him last season. Walter’s pants do not catch on fire nor does God strike him dead.

Walt tries to get Mike to team up with him, for business, and Mike tells Walt to go pound sand. The DEA is grabbing all Gus Fring’s people, who are paid not to talk. However, Lydia, one of Gus’s people, is freaking out that they might. She calls Mike and basically asks Mike to kill his men who could take her down. Mike is like, “Lady, you’ve been watching too much TV.” So this crazy ho decides to kill the 11 guys herself. Mike goes to Lydia’s house to kill her. This woman is blue-blooded, white, smart, rich, and a mother. She has this huge, beautiful house, a Latina maid, and a very little girl named Kaylee. Mike spares Lydia in exchange for an ingredient Walt needs to start cooking again. You see, Mike has a granddaughter he cares about. He needs to provide for her. In other news (okay, this isn’t really news) Mike is a stone-cold bad ass when being questioned by the police.

Episode grade: B

Hazard Pay

Landry from Friday Night Lights appears. Ugh. I never liked him on FNL. Mostly because he isn’t good-looking. This show is in desperate need of a hot guy. It’s a testament to how good Breaking Bad is that I even continue to watch it, despite the lack of hotness. My sister would say, “Ahh, but Walt Jr. is pretty cute.” Flynn? I’m sorry, but if this is true, I’m having trouble seeing it past the sheer annoyance, obliviousness, and uselessness that is Walt’s son. I’ve been awaiting his death since season one.

The slow, but necessary, part of the night was Mike, Walt, and Jesse finding a place to cook. The do, it’s clever, and now that’s done with. When Mike takes too big of a cut to pay his loyal men, Walt considers getting rid of Mike. He eerily mentions the way Gus got rid of Victor. Please. Walt would poison Mike or bomb him (since he probably can’t send Jesse to shoot him like with Gale). Walt is like a cowardly snake in the grass. He won’t physically get his hands dirty. That reminds me of Hitler, who I heard turned away from concentration camps whenever he passed them in a vehicle. Jesse ends things with Andrea because he knows that he can’t be honest with her about everything in his life.

Marie has lunch with Skyler. Skyler ends up yelling, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.” Well, can’t say I blame her. I like Marie about as much as I like Walt Jr. Marie takes Skyler home and questions Walt about Skyler’s life stress. Walt blames the meltdown on Ted Beneke, solemnly informing Marie that Skyler cheated on him. Then Walt proceeds to watch Scarface with Flynn while Skyler naps. Skyler comes out of her room just in time to see Walt laughing at a violent scene. Walt ominously notes that everyone dies in the movie. Skyler is losing it. My cousin texted me last night: “I’d feel a heck of a lot more sorry for Skyler if she hadn’t been such a massive skank for the last four seasons.” Preach.

Episode grade: B

Pretty Little Liars posts are better late than never, right?

The Remains of the A

This show subjected us to a montage of Aria taking Ezra’s picture. Ugh. Hanna and Spencer’s plan to leave a note for A was brilliant. Unfortunately, Agent Wilden still exists. Whyyyy? Hanna’s lies not only broke up her relationship with Caleb, they are threatening Spencer and Toby. Toby was the most boring, morose date anyway. Good thing you’re hot, Toby. We weren’t quite sure WHY Hanna needed a fake date for the party. She ended up sneaking off anyway. She could have gone stag and just socialized, leaving her mom with Ted. It’s so sad that Ashley Marin feels like she’s not good enough for the pastor. Yeah, she’s make mistakes, but any pastor worth his salt would agree with Hanna: Who hasn’t made mistakes? Ted seems real and we hope/know it’s not over between him and Ashley.

The drama with Ezra having a drawer full of cash was just annoying. We wish he had actually done something bad, rather than just sold an antique car. That would have at least been interesting. He doesn’t have half the mystery Holden does. That rave stamp is kind of a cool symbol. PLL superfans, we expect you to have those tattoos as soon as it’s legal for you to get them. We were shocked that Spencer had such a meltdown when the murderer turned out to be Garrett. We guess she really needs someone to blame for all the madness, as well as knowledge that the murderer isn’t still out there. Of course she’s still out there, Spencer. Of course it’s not Garrett. Spencer was a decent crier, acting-wise. This one was a little slow and meandering for us, but we liked the focus on Spencer’s craziness.

Episode grade: B-

Crazy

Wait, this is the first Pretty Little Liars episode called “Crazy”? That’s not right. Ern has never played with a Ouija board, but Leeard has (Ern: “Ooooh scary.” Leeard: “Yes, maam”). Ern has done that Bloody Mary thing a thousand times, but no Bloody Mary ever shows up. Disappointing. We love this new bitch! It’s the next best thing to having Ali on the show, and we can’t since she’s dead/A. We also got to meet Alison’s father. He’s not a Hanna fan. Emily tries and fails to give Hot Black Guy the scoop on Creepy Jenna. Ugh, just spit it out, Emily!

Ted is dating Ella Montgomery instead of Ashley now, and they are not clicking. This just goes to show that sometimes a saint needs a sinner. For luuuuuuurve. (Those last sentences are what happens when Leeard goes out of town.) Coffee guy is HOT, Ella. Getcha some. Having Aria and Hanna sneak into the insane asylum was a thing of brilliance. Mona is so gorgeous. We couldn’t believe she escaped and all she did with her freedom was brush a doll’s face. At least you found your tweezers, Hanna. But then she revealed all sorts of awesome secret codes!! Spencer is such a good sister, saving Jason like that.

I think we’ve established in this post that Ern sucks with names. Leeard, come hoooooome.

Episode grade: B+