The Bachelorette - Sizing Up the Guys

We didn’t like Ashley last season. Not that there was a lot to like about Brad’s second season, but still. Anyway, here’s a recap of the new guys on The Bachelorette and our thoughts/predictions for each of them. Keep in mind, these are our first impressions.

Sidenote: We wrote this after the first episode, but were just now able to post it. We’ll talk about our thoughts on the second episode later

Ryan P.; 31; Corona del Mar, CA; “Solar Energy Executive” - Describes himself as “someone who genuinely wants better for the world”. As opposed to all those other jerks who want the world to go to hell in a handbasket? Seems like a sweet guy, if a little bland. Actually reminds Leeard of Jake, pre-crazy. Also, he got the first impression rose, so good for him.

JP; 34; NYC; Construction Manager – Cute, and we’re pretty sure we’ve seen him in the previews, so he’ll go at least a few weeks.

Ames; 31; NYC; Portfolio Manager – Other than the wonky eye, he’s cute and obviously intelligent. We did feel slightly insulted when he felt the need to tell us that Yale is in Connecticut, but hopefully he doesn’t turn out to be the kind of person who always needs to talk down to other people. He has been to 70 countries though, so Leeard is pretty envious. We won’t really go into his marathon obsession.

Ben C; 28; New Orleans; Lawyer – We love New Orleans, so he’s up there so far. Also, he’s a piano player and describes himself as romantic and passionate, and he’s adorable. We like him so far, but we’re afraid he won’t really stand out. AND he speaks French. We just changed our minds; there’s no way he’s not making it far.

Ben F.; 28; Sonoma, CA; Winemaker – He reminds Leeard a little of Rafael Nadal, so yes please. He also has a (recent?) parental death, which reminds Leeard of Chris L. from Ali’s season, so basically if this Ben doesn’t hit it off with Ashley, he can call Leeard.

Bentley; 28; Salt Lake City, UT; “Businessman” – Um what exactly does “businessman” mean? His daughter is completely precious, if poorly named (Cozy). He kind of comes across as an arrogant jackass, so this should be exciting. Ashley is stupidly giving him a chance.

Anthony; 28; Wyckoff, NJ; Butcher – He seems very entertaining, with a good personality. We think Ashley might find him abrasive, but we hope not. And apparently we were right, since he was eliminated at the first rose ceremony.

West; 30; Chapin, SC; Lawyer – He has a horrible backstory about losing the love of his life. He seems like a great guy, and we really want him to be happy, but he probably shouldn’t be on this show.

William; 30; Galloway, OH; Cellular Phone Salesman – He has such a wonderful smile that he’ll probably stay for a while. He’s another one that seems pretty boring though.

Jon; 26; Vancouver, WA; “E-Commerce Executive” – Kind of weirdly suggested that he and Ashley just go straight to the honeymoon, which some women would be charmed by. Apparently Ashley isn’t one of those women, because he was eliminated at the first rose ceremony.

Lucas; 30; Odessa, TX; Oil Field Equipment Distributor – We love Texas boys, and he definitely seems like a gentleman.

Mickey; 31; Cleveland, OH; Chef – He went in for the kiss before even introducing himself, but luckily he did it in a funny way. He’s pretty cute and, from what we’ve seen so far, has a decent sense of humor.

Tim; 35; Long Beach, NY; Liquor Distributor – Literally the first words out of Leeard’s mouth: “Yeah, he’s not sticking around for a long time”. And she was right; Ashley eliminated him before the first rose ceremony. Of course, getting hammered the first night probably didn’t help matters.

Stephen; 27; Manhattan Beach, CA; Hairstylist – For a hairstylist, his hair was looking pretty greasy to meet Ashley. Kind of a bland introduction, so we don’t see him lasting too long if he doesn’t bring out the big guns.

Chris D.; 25; Chicago, IL; Sports Marketing Coordinator – He rapped (well, tried to rap) his introduction, which was weird. But it showed a fun side of him, so it might’ve been a good move. If he can bring out the goofy side of Ashley, he’ll stick around.

Rob; 27; Monroe, MI; Technology Executive – Uh-dorable, with some sort of accent. We liked him, but it was pretty obvious he was going home when we learned next to nothing about him. Obviously Ashley didn’t get a chance to read his abc.com profile, because he sounds pretty awesome.

Matt; 28; Bridgewater, MA; Office Supply Salesman – Tried to teach Ashley a handshake when he first met her, which we liked. We kind of hope he makes it far enough to tell us what exactly inspires someone to get a Turf Management degree. His mom can call us and drop those little pearls of wisdom whenever she feels like it.

Jeff; 35; St. Louis, MO; Entrepreneur – And we’ve finally made it to the masked man. We don’t really know how we feel about this approach. On the one hand, it could be like The Voice: judge based on personality, not looks. On the other hand, this is The Bachelorette. How can Ashley get rid of the ugliest guys first if she doesn’t know what one of them looks like? Anyway, let’s see how long his shtick can last. Ern is pretty sure that if a GIRL did this on The Bachelor, the guy would get freaked out and eliminate her immediately. But this was a great way to get the producers to pick him in order for him to make the cut for the show.

Frank; 29; Murfreesboro, TN; College Admissions Director – Yeah, there’s no way he’s going to last. Ashley’s laugh when he picked her up was about as fake as they come. Plus, he kills the college dreams of hundreds of stupid kids every year. Sad.

Mike; 29; San Diego, CA; Technology Salesman – Nope. Not happening. This is what we mean when we say that she’ll get rid of the ugliest guys first. He did make some cute dentist jokes though. And, no surprise, he got eliminated at the first rose ceremony. Note: we don’t think he’s ugly, but in terms of this competition? Kinda.

Chris M.; 27; Edmonton, Canada; Construction Company CEO – Ridiculously good-looking, and is full-on Canadian. It might be just that one of us missed hockey, but we love him. We weren’t happy when he got eliminated at the first rose ceremony, partly because we’ll miss him and his accent, and partly because we definitely didn’t call him leaving that early.

Ryan M.; 27; Royal Oak, MI; Construction Estimator – Is a “big fan” of The Bachelor. Oh honey. And he brought a camera. Well that’s kind of weird. But also probably smart. Anyway, he has to go home soon. But apparently he won’t be going home too soon, since he made it past the first rose ceremony.

Nick; 26; Tampa, FL; Personal Trainer – He’s probably our favorite for Ashley right now. We can’t really explain it, but at the beginning of every season, Leeard gets a feeling about one of the bachelors. She’s only been right once, but that was Trista’s season, and we all know how that turned out. Basically what we’re saying is that the bachelorettes should call Leeard and pick the guy she likes the most.

Blake; 27; Greenville, SC; Dentist – The dentist!!! Okay, we love him, too. And we were glad he wasn’t eliminated.

Constantine; 30; Atlanta, GA; Restaurant Owner – Tied a floss ribbon around her finger. We actually think that was adorable, and way cheaper than the ballet tickets Ames tried to use to buy Ashley’s affection.

Guys left after the first rose ceremony: Jeff, Constantine, Ben. F, Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, JP, Ames, and Bentley

Who are your favorites so far? Let us know in the comments!