What Happened- This episode is notable for putting Theon Greyjoy front
and center! “Who is Theon Greyjoy?” asks everyone. He is the guy in the picture.
Need more? Theon was a hostage of Ned Starks who grew up with Robb Stark. He is
the son of Balon Greyjoy, the ruler of the Iron Islands who once rebelled
against the iron throne. King Robert and Ned Stark won this war and allowed
Balon to remain lord of the Iron Islands, but they kept his only surviving son.
Theon travels to the Iron Islands to ask his father to
back Robb in this new war. During the whole voyage, Theon bones the ship
captain’s unattractive daughter. Theon hits shore and a young woman offers him
a ride to the castle. On the way, Theon gropes her. When Theon asks his father
to help Robb, Balon is all, “Dude, I hate those Starks. Do you remember
nothing?!” Balon decides he doesn’t like Theon because he’s too Stark-loving
and also too fancily dressed/feminine. Balon puts his daughter in charge of his
armies instead of Theon. The daughter is the girl who gave Theon a lift to the
castle. Her name is Yara (changed from the books), and she seems cool. Theon declares
that he plans to be king. Of course he does.
Let’s get to Ern’s favorite character, Tyrion, the new
Hand of the King. Tyrion sends Janos Slynt, leader of the city watch, to the
Night Watch. Tyrion wants to get rid of him since he killed many baby bastards
and betrayed Ned Stark, the last Hand. Tyrion only wants loyal and trustworthy
people working with him. Cersei is upset by this and tells Tyrion that she
wishes he had died during his birth rather than their mother. Tyrion makes his
hired sword, Bronn the new head of the city watch.
Tyrion is still trying to hide his favorite hooker, Shae,
from his father. His father told Tyrion that he wasn’t allowed to bring Shae
with him and Tyrion disobeyed. Varys threatened Tyrion regarding this secret
and Tyrion told Varys, “I’m not Ned Stark. I understand the way this game is
played.”
Soldiers catch up with Gendry (Robert’s bastard with the
bull helmet), Arya, and Yoren, so Arya freaks out, thinking that Cersei has
found her at last. Gendry sees this and Arya comes clean about who she is. It’s
just as well: Gendry had already figured out her gender. It turns out that the soldiers were looking for Gendry so that
they could kill the last of the bastards.
Yoren is a bad ass. He takes the soldier’s weapons and
tells them to leave, so Gendry and Arya are safe, for now. The soldiers tell
Yoren that they will return with more men. We meet Jaqen H'ghar, the guy in the
rolling cage asking Arya for water. Remember this guy, because he is yet
another key player in this show. He is caged because he is a dangerous
criminal. There are two other crazies caged with him, and they are
significantly ruder than Jaqen, so Aria starts poking them with a stick.
We do not see Rob, Catelyn, or Jaime this week, but
Daenerys gets a couple of scenes. One of Daenerys’ riders was killed. His head
and his horse were sent back by enemies who aren’t thrilled that the Dothraki
are being led by a woman. Daenerys vows to do something about this. We also see
a little of Stannis. Davos the smuggler and his son team up with a pirate, Salladhor
Saan in order to help Stannis become king. Saan wants sex with Cersei as part
of his payment and he wants it to be willing. Stannis’ witch wife tells him that
if he wants to defeat his brother Renly in open war, he must “give himself to
her god.” The ritual to do this involves Stannis having sex with Melisandre on
his map table. Stannis obliges.
North of the Wall, Samwell pities one of Craster’s
extremely young wives, Gilly, and wants to take her away from Craster. Gilly wants
to escape before her baby is born in order to save him. Jon Snow shoots Samwell
down. When the baby is born, Craster takes the baby into the woods and sets it
down in the snow. Jon follows him and sees something/someone pick up the baby
and take him away. It could be chupacabras or monsters or zombies or men. We
don’t know yet. Craster sees Jon and hits him over the head, knocking him out.
We will find out his fate later.
Comments- This episode was way more plodding than the last one. Gendry
is really the rightful king, not Stannis. We have around a thousand guys trying
to be king, but there could be another at some point. Gendry doesn’t know his
father’s identity, so it may take a while. The soldiers who came to capture him
are surely going to lose the game of thrones. They TOLD a man they were going
to attack him. Nice. Very smart.
We ship Gendry and Arya, at least when Arya is old enough
to have boobs. That day will come, and we are sure the series will show them,
for this is Game of Thrones. The man who wrote the books, George R.R. Martin,
is really into boobs too. He was writing from the perspective of a woman (young
Daenerys) when he said, “When she went
to the stables, she wore faded sandsilk pants and woven grass sandals. Her
small breasts moved freely beneath a painted Dothraki vest ..." This
episode just hit our point home. This show is all about boobs.
Varys should NOT
be threatening Tyrion. A) He’s awesome and B) He’s a smarty. He has all the
best quips. Our favorite this week happened when Cersei was complaining about
all the threats she is under. “It's all fallen on me," she says. Tyrion replies:
"So has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon." Haha,
nice. We find out that Joffrey is the one who ordered the bastards to be
killed. He. Is. The. Worst.
This is a change
from the books and we like it. It makes more sense. Cersei is a little more
sympathetic on the show and we think that’s a strong choice to make. Joffrey is
the one who would kill babies without blinking. Cersei is such a bitch
to Tyrion. That’s why Tyrion prefers Jaime. Jaime is the only person in the
Lannister family who is kind to Tyrion, and that’s Jaime’s redeeming factor at
this point in the series.
Samwell is
growing on us. When Jon Snow told him that they couldn’t steal one of Craster’s
women, Samwell replied, “I can’t steal her. She’s a person.” Swoon. If only he
were hotter. But that’s not the point of Samwell, is it?
MAN there was a
lot of sex in this episode. Too much, we think. This was the most sex-filled
episode, and none of it was particularly titillating. One of the sex scenes
proves vital to the plot in the future, but we won’t tell you which one. That
was the only one that was necessary. We don’t mind sex if we enjoy watching it,
but Thrones sex is usually just gross and/or incestuous. We got off
lucky there though. There was only an incestuous grope. What is with George R.
R. Martin and incest?
Episode grade:
B-
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