Blair and Serena spent the summer in Paris, and Gossip Girl is judging the fun they are having by how many hookups they’ve engaged in: Serena= a lot. Blair= none. Quelle surprise. When Blair reads that her summer is a failure on Gossip Girl (even though she's in Paris, shopping, with lots of culture and dining), she laments that she will just being “going home with a Chuck-sized cloud over her head.” We would like a Chuck-sized cloud over OUR heads, thanks. That sounds dirty, and we meant it to, even though it probably makes no sense. We just miss Chuck!
But Blair’s taste in art, and her surprisingly excellent French, lands her a date with a hot guy named “Louise,” who pretends to be a driver, but is really a prince of Monaco. He wanted to see if Blair would like him for himself. It’s superficial Blair, so obviously she failed the test by fighting over Serena’s date, the real driver (who Blair thought was the real prince). Then Blair learned that Serena would be going to Columbia University in the fall, where she could overshadow Blair even more, and she pushed her in a fountain. We are so glad that Serena and Blair will be attending the same school. It was boring and useless having Serena take a year off to whine, crush on a married man, and watch other people having their lives. But now we have all the characters in the same area.
We miss Chuck and Blair, but Blair is a better person with Chuck. That is less entertaining. The highlight of the night was seeing her push her frenemy into a fountain, even though it was plastered all over the advertisements so we had already seen it.
Nate: He’s been dating vapid hot girls all summer from Chuck’s Little Black Book. You’d probably get an STD just from opening it. Luckily, Nate meets a gorgeous smart girl named Juliet Sharp (who looks like she could be 30 years old). We know she was smart, because she had a book when Nate met her, and she was a little mean to him. Nate was instantly attracted. Girls, this does not work in real life. In the end, Juliet gave Nate her number, but we saw a glimpse of her hotel room. All of her expensive clothes still have the tags (gasp!) and she has a crazy conspiracy map that could have come straight out of the movie “A Beautiful Mind,” with all the Gossip Girl leads’ faces pinned to it.
Dan: Dan kept his baby with Georgina a secret from his father, until Georgina showed up at a Waldorf party with little Milo in tow. The poor thing kind of looks like Georgina. Georgina left town in the end…and left Dan with Milo. Good riddance.
Vanessa: Still useless. She lost a ton of weight, probably to attain her prize role in Piranha 3D. She DID remind Dan to get a paternity test. Dan is an idiot for not doing it sooner. He and Vanessa deserve each other…
Chuck: He must really want to start over, and we don’t blame him. He’s made more mistakes in his young life than most people have who are twice his age. After getting shot, he washed up in France and was nursed back to health by Harry Potter’s Clemence Posey, who is funny-looking if you ask me. However, Chuck must like her, because he is staying with her in France, claiming his name is “Henry.” At the end of the episode, Lily learned that he had been shot. No one had heard from him all summer. We hate that Chuck has someone and Blair doesn't. It should be the other way around.
Jenny: Still gone. Yay!
Episode grade: D