Bones - The Bones that Weren't recap / review

Bones returned Thursday after a half-month hiatus. What’s up with that? (Answer: Baseball. Duh) Also: Look show, this Hannah thing was a nice little gimmick to pull us back for a new season and make us crazy, but it’s time for it to stop. Kill her. Kill her dead. We won’t be satisfied with some lame breakup. We want her Gormagon-ed or sniped or something. The beginning of this episode gave us full-on shots of Booth kissing Hannah goodbye, and we nearly lost our lunch. We know they are together, but do we really have to see it? It was grosser than that HPV/tree guy on Grey’s Anatomy. We just don’t see how she adds to the show. Brennan already has a best friend in Angela. If this is going to be the characters’ main interpersonal arc, it had better pay off.

The case of the week: A skateboarder found a skull buried in cement, yelled, and ran away. Ok, what’s with the running away from a skull? Most people would scope it out a little or just back away. It’s a SKULL. The murderer is long gone. Seriously. We understand when it’s an episode of Bones where the body is covered in decomposing flesh. Yeah, then you can scream and run away. But most people would think the skull was fake or prehistoric or something. They might call the cops, but run away screaming? Naw. Not unless they were sissies. Wait. He was a skateboarder. Never mind.

The victim’s skeleton had mostly decomposed due to some bone-eating fungus, but the gang was able to find a tattoo of a dancer on one of his teeth. Angela also reconstructed what the skeleton should have looked like if it were a full one, and Vasiri ascertained that the victim was a ballet dancer. Yeah, Mr. Vaziri has returned to the lab. Is it just me, or is that guy seriously hot? Lab assistants don’t look like that, but we aren’t complaining too hard about this show’s lack of realism in this department. Booth and Brennan located the guy’s old ballet studio based on these two pieces of information. The ballet studio’s instructor was a cute little female dancer who walked with a crutch because the victim had dropped her during a life, ruining her career. She was hilarious and full of rage, glad the victim was dead, and tried to attack Brennan for calling her heavy (for a ballerina of course). Because Booth suspected her right away, we knew she wasn’t the murdered. The Bones formula: Everyone under suspicion in the first 30 minutes of a Bones episode is innocent. The person they talk to, see, or notice who doesn’t fall under suspicion or get much screen time is the person who did it. If you didn’t know, now you know.

Hodgins found bronze in the victim’s body and found out where the bone-eating fungus was located: Kalorama Park. This was a place with a plethora of street performers. Magicians, singers, musicians, dancers, Shakespeare impersonators, and pickpockets. Except for the pickpockets, this blogger wishes she had a park in her area with a bunch of weird hippies performing. It sounds like a nice day at the park. Get a hot dog, watch the hippies. Nice. At the park, Booth suspected a rival dancer (TWITCH!), clearly missing the blonde hippie girl with the guitar. This is when we thought, “Ahh, it’s her.” Then they found evidence that the victim was stabbed with a sharpened screwdriver, and the gang also found a handprint that pointed to a female. Booth watch the body language of the two female suspects (Angry Dancer and Hippie), and he realized that it was the hippie. The hippie and the victim were robbing people in the park and the victim was about to betray the hippie, so she killed him. Case solved. Maybe this blogger doesn’t want a park full of street performers. In the words of the great sage Eric Cartman: Hippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Hannah was investigating a dirty cop for a story and got shot in the leg, presumably by the dirty cop or one of his accomplices. Brennan figured out that although Hannah’s leg wound looked harmless, without surgery it could sever her femoral artery and kill her. Of course, Brennan informed Hannah and the doctors, saving Hannah’s life. Sigh. Stupid Brennan, knowing and catching everything.

This episode had a sweet tone, and we liked watching the rival dancer get down in the street. We just love watching people dance (which is why we'll be covering So You Think You Can Dance when it returns). We liked Brennan's fascination over him too. This was a forgettable, but enjoyable episode of Bones.

Episode grade: B-