True Blood - If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?

So, at the end of last episode, Petunia Dursley channeled someone and took Eric’s memory. Cue eye roll, because no one likes amnesia. It’s too soap opera-y. But darn it, on True Blood, it’s a lot of fun.

Apparently, without years of power and hanging out with that twisted Pam, Eric’s base personality is that of a sweet, shy, apologetic, protective 15-year-old boy. And this is giving the viewers what we want. The girls, at least, want to see him playing house with Sookie. Living with Sookie, he had to wear Jason’s old clothes, so naturally he got an awful sleeveless hoodie, which almost ruined all the cuteness. Eric ate Sookie’s fairy godmother, which was not surprising and we don’t really care.

The episode had lots of the one-liners and funny moments. Eric calling Sookie “Snooki.” Keep him away from South Park, Sookie, unless you want him to think you want SMOOSH SMOOSH. You know you do… We also liked these lines: “What does he think this is, Nazi Germany? He did look kind of Aryan.” We’ve decided to find Arlene’s devil baby funny rather than silly. The baby enjoying Jessica’s evil doll was hilariousity. Tommy as Maxine’s new son needs to last a little while. At least she’s teaching him how to read! We'd grouse about Tommy's plan to steal from his new Mommy, but it's expected. The characters on this show often do atrocious things like that.

We have to mention Jason now. We were eating pasta when we first saw him, and seeing his ruined chest and the panther hicks eating meat off of bones totally ruined our dinner. Crystal was never a great person, or even a fun girl. But OF COURSE Jason would fall for her. Mysterious + beautiful + needing protection + hard to get/forbidden = SPROING. Even if she is just God-awful. And she is. Crystal raped Jason to get a baby, and with that, he was finally over her. There was a whole line of girls out waiting to get them a baby daddy as well. This plan will probably succeed, because you know their breeding problems stem from inbreeding. It seems like guys would like a bunch of girls to rape him, but we know from this case, they don’t.

Crystal is not the only woman running all over her guy. She’s just the creepiest/rapist one. Jessica brainwashed Hoyt into forgetting she’s a cheater. Alcide is with Debbie, so Sookie can’t have sex with him yet. Remember Debbie? She was Alcide’s V-addict ex who tried to kill Sookie. She’s clean and sober now, AND she’s found Jesus. Well, praise the Lord. NOT. Look, when addicts find Jesus in real life, that’s more than fine with us. When they find Jesus on our TV shows, that ruins a perfectly good TV show. Bring back psycho murdering Debbie! Even after all she put him through, Alcide took her back. Most guys would be done with that. Maybe that’s why he’s never had sex with Sookie. Noooo balls.

Bill is much more interesting now. His new PR tactic is to kill everyone who makes the vamps look bad on YouTube. That wasn’t exactly what they taught this blogger in her college major (PR), but we have to admit, that sounds effective. We like hard-core Bill. Half of the problem with Bill was the pathetic look on his face and what a poontang he was. That’s gone. He and Jessica have a sweet relationship now, too.

Portia and Bill had sex after she pretty much threw herself at him. He was into it, as long as she was ok with him “never loving her.” We think Portia is pathetic and desperate for being into that. No one deserves to settle like that. But we are happy that there is one man in this episode (besides Terry, who is always cool) who knows how to not let his girlfriend totally and completely abuse him. If Bill were human, he’d be enjoying some good sandwiches right now.

Petunia Dursley let some younger spirit woman use her as a conduit while she slit her wrists and offered herself up. What kind of sad freak would do that?

People who need to die update: Andy.

Episode grade: A-