If We Ruled The Golden Globes, These Would Be the Winners

Is anyone else sick of Golden Globes coverage on the TV and internet? Well, too bad, because we want to put our two cents in before the show airs tonight. After that, it will all be over and we will finally have new red carpet dresses to look at.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

The Descendants----OUR PICK

The Help

Hugo

The Ides of March

Moneyball

War Horse

The Help was more of a popcorn flick than something worthy of awards because of its blatant emotional manipulation. We think War Horse has the same problem. While it looks great, we don’t like plotless pastiches of tear-jerking scenes. The Ides of March is too smug for us. Hugo was good, but it was too long and we didn't care about the characters. That leaves Moneyball and The Descendants, two movies we really liked. We’re going to have to go with The Descendants, because when it was emotional, it was genuine. You know you instantly teared up in the pool scene. There were laughs as well. Moneyball’s ending was accurate but worked against it, leaving a ho-hum taste in our mouths.

Best Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical

50/50

The Artist

Bridesmaids---- OUR PICK

Midnight in Paris

My Week With Marilyn

We haven’t seen 50/50, The Artist, or My Week with Marilyn. We don’t really want to see the latter two, but we feel like we have to, eventually. Midnight in Paris was cute, but Bridesmaids had more heart, more laughs, and was less snooty than anything Woody Allen has ever made.

Best Director – Motion Picture

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

George Clooney, The Ides of March

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Alexander Payne, The Descendants---- OUR PICK

Martin Scorsese, Hugo

We dug Alexander’s tone in The Descendents. He kept it emotional without letting it get super depressing. We are really annoyed that David Fincher isn’t in this category for Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

George Clooney, The Descendants

Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar

Michael Fassbender, Shame

Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March

Brad Pitt, Moneyball---- OUR PICK

We only saw Clooney and Pitt’s performances, but we like the other three guys as actors, so we are sure they were good. We think Fassbender should get points for taking a role lots of actors would run from. For now, our pick is Brad Pitt, because we forgot he was Brad Pitt when we were watching Moneyball, and because there were better things about The Descendants than George Clooney's performance.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Musical

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Brendan Gleeson, The Guard

Joseph Gordon Levitt, 50/50

Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love---- OUR PICK

Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris

Owen Wilson is in this category? Really? Do they mean it ironically? In Midnight in Paris, we thought he just played a writer version of Owen Wilson. Hardly any acting was done. We love Brendan Gleeson but didn’t see The Guard. We’re going with Ryan Gosling in order to reward him for Drive along with it. He probably won’t win though, because Crazy Stupid Love was a generic rom-com (that one of us loved anyway).

Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

Viola Davis, The Help

Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo---OUR PICK

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Speaking of movies we don’t want to see—Albert Nobbs. It looks boring. Same thing with The Iron Lady, even if it's based on a fascinating woman. Plus, Meryl has enough awards. We Need to Talk About Kevin just came out, so how is anyone supposed to have seen it? We thought Emma Stone and Octavia Spencer were just as good as Viola Davis. The one that stands out for us is Rooney Mara for hard work, total commitment, study, and talent.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical/Comedy

Jodie Foster, Carnage

Charlize Theron, Young Adult---- OUR PICK

Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

Kate Winslet, Carnage

Charlize made us feel sorry for a character we hated. We were rooting for the villain to get better while we were loathing her and laughing at her. We haven’t seen Carnage, and we probably won’t, because Roman Polanski directed it and he rapes children. We adore Kristen Wiig and would be happy if she won, too.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – Motion Picture

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn

Albert Brooks, Drive---- ERN’S PICK

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method

Christopher Plummer, Beginners----LEEARD’S PICK

Hey, we finally disagreed on something! Jonah Hill, we liked you better fat. Viggo Mortensen, we liked you better as Aragorn. And nice facial hair in A Dangerous Method. Good to know you’ve celebrated your 80^th birthday. Kenneth Branagh, no matter what you do, we will never forgive you for that hideously boring Frankenstein movie. Albert Brooks is Ern’s pick, because he was genuinely scary in Drive. Leeard is rooting for Christopher Plummer, because that’s always a good idea.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Motion Picture

Berenice Bejo, The Artist

Jessica Chastain, The Help

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Octavia Spencer, The Help---- ERN’S PICK

Shailene Woodley, The Descendants--- LEEARD’S PICK

Shailene proved that not everyone on The Secret Life of the American Teenager is bad at acting, given proper direction and a good character (which Leeard has been saying forever, so thank you, Shailene). Octavia is a little-known actress having a big moment for proving she is a laugh machine. Everyone should be eating Minny’s s*** at the Globes, in Ern’s opinion.

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Midnight in Paris

The Ides of March

The Artist

The Descendants

Moneyball---- OUR PICK

Midnight in Paris had a sweet and true message about nostalgia, and it’s one of the more universally tolerable messages a Woody Allen movie has carried. However, we think they made Hemingway weird. That’s not how we pictured his personality.  We are going to pick Moneyball. That script was funny and intense. One of us doesn’t really care about sports, but this movie was entertaining to her anyway. Any movie that can make baseball that interesting, and allows for non-sports nerds to use the word "sabermetrics" accurately deserves some awards.

Best Animated Feature Film

The Adventures of Tin-Tin

Arthur Christmas

Cars 2

Puss N Boots

Rango---- OUR PICK

Rango is our choice, if only for having the guts to make its main creature such an uggo.

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

The Artist

W.E.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo---- OUR PICK

Hugo

War Horse

Because this is the only CD we would consider buying. Also because Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross should be scoring every movie ever. However, on further reflection, The Artist absolutely deserves (deserved, now) to win. In a silent film, other than the acting/body language, the music is the most important thing to set the tone of the scenes.

FINALLY, THE TV

Best TV Series – Drama

American Horror Story

Boardwalk Empire

Boss

Game of Thrones---- LEEARD'S PICK

Homeland---- ERN'S PICK

WHERE THE HELL IS BREAKING BAD DAMMIT? Sigh. Fine. Be that way, Globes. American Horror Story is too loud and weird to win, probably, and it wasn’t our favorite of these anyway. Boardwalk Empire is the likely winner because of its shocking ending this season, but we are still bored by it and angry at it for making us watch so much Steve Buscemi sex. Steve Buscemi is literally the last person on Earth we wanted to see having sex. We hear Boss got really good, but we didn’t stay with it. We’re not hard to grab, so that says something. Game of Thrones is Leeard’s pick because of the way it designed that world and brought the best of George R.R. Martin’s characters and dialogue to the TV screen. It looks like a real labor of love. Homeland is Ern’s pick, because nothing else gripped her that much this year. It’s 24 for smarter people and that needs to be rewarded.

Best TV Series – Musical or Comedy

Enlightened

Episodes

Glee

Modern Family

New Girl---- OUR PICK

New Girl won’t win, but it’s our choice. We laughed more watching this show than the others, even though Ern is annoyed with an age 30+ woman who doesn’t know not to wear overalls on a date. Why is stupid sexy and cute? Zooey is gorgeous, talented, and charming, but this (hilarious, wonderful) show is a huge step back for women. Still, it’s prime comedy so we hope it wins. Modern Family is currently on its weakest season, Glee is still uneven, and Enlightened is more dramady than comedy. Not that this will stop Enlightened from winning. Episodes would be our second choice, even though there weren’t as many laughs as expected and Matt LeBlanc was the only good thing about it.

Best Actor in a TV Series – Drama

Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Kelsey Grammer, Boss

Jeremy Irons, The Borgias

Damian Lewis, Homeland--- OUR PICK

Hello shows that only Ern has seen! Weird. Leeard is floored that Ern isn’t automatically picking Bryan Cranston, because Breaking Bad should go home with something for this awesome season. But Ern doesn’t want to be hasty. Ern usually likes Jeremy Irons, but The Borgias sucks. Kelsey Grammer was not only good, he’s also FRASIER, which is a longtime Ern obsession. Damian Lewis kept his character interesting and believable. Buscemi is such a good actor that no one minds that he’s such an eyesore. Cranston has been rewarded  for his show already. If Aaron Paul were in this category, it would be a Breaking Bad slam dunk, because it’s time for Aaron Paul recognition. Damian Lewis for the win.

Best Actress in a TV Series – Drama

Claire Danes, Homeland---- ERN’S PICK

Mireille Enos, The Killing

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Madeline Stowe, Revenge---- LEEARD’S PICK

Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness

Julianna Margulies spends most of her time on The Good Wife wearing a poker face and speaking in a professional tone. Most people mock Mireille Enos’ acting on The Killing, so we’re not touching that (even though Leeard would be fine with her winning). Leeard watched Necessary Roughness and doesn't understand how Callie Thorne got nominated. Leeard is picking Madeline Stowe for her great comeback on one of Leeard’s new favorite shows. Ern is going with Claire Danes for all the crazy and all the heart. She and Damian were equally good, and we picked him. It takes two to tango.

Best Actor in a TV Series – Musical or Comedy

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

David Duchovny, Californication

Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory---- LEEARD’S PICK

Thomas Jane, Hung

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes---- ERN’S PICK

This is where Ern picks Matt LeBlanc for spoofing himself and single-handedly saving a show. This is also where Leeard reminds everyone that she loves The Big Bang Theory.

Best Actress in a TV Series – Musical or Comedy

Laura Dern, Enlightened

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl---- LEEARD’S PICK

Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Laura Linney, The Big C---- ERN’S PICK

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation- more of an ensemble thing

You might expect us to pick Amy because of how much Parks and Rec love happens on this blog, but we think that show is too much of an ensemble achievement to just reward one cast member. Laura Dern left us concerned, not laughing. 30 Rock appears to be past its prime. Leeard loves Zooey Deschanel. Ern thinks Laura Linney carries The Big C and kept it from being too dark this season.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie

Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones---- OUR PICK

Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail

Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce

Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite

Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

This is a no-brainer for both of us. If you disagree, you obviously haven’t seen Game of Thrones.

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story---- OUR PICK

Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire

Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce

This is one time our pick will probably (hopefully) be the actual winner. Jessica Lange doing her thing never gets old, and American Horror Story should come away with something.