Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey

If you’ve read this blog for a long period of time, you’re probably asking “why?” Sure, sure, I hate Twilight, and this started out as Twilight fan fiction. Sure, I hate horrible writing, senseless/shallow romance, unhealthy/abusive relationships, and stupidity. Sure, I said I would never read this, and I'm kind of a feminist. BUT, one of my friends says I'm being unfair dissing the books. She says, "You can’t knock it until you try it," which is something I said to get this friend to read Harry Potter. My own words, used against me! While a college teacher of mine (who I actually learned a lot from) made the excellent point that you don’t have to drink a whole carton of sour milk to know it’s spoiled, if you want the book's fans to take your criticism seriously, you have to read it. Plus, Leeard wants me to read it/check it out for her, because she thinks I will be less weirded out by the kink. I usually have no problem with kink. Mostly though, I think it will be funny. Reading the book should probably only take about three hours to read anyway. You don’t have to have read the books to follow this post, but know that I’m going to spoil the first book to hell and back. Let's try the Kindle sample.

Chapter 1

We meet “Anastasia Steele,” a Bella Swan stand-in and college student. So far, the writing isn’t terrible (surprised I would say that?), but the prose isn’t what you would call interesting or artful either. That’s okay because it’s easy to read, it’s entertaining, and it serves its purpose. I've read a lot worse. As soon as we meet her, Ana laments that her blue eyes are “too big for her face.” Umm. There’s no such thing as eyes that are too big for a girl’s face. Big eyes are attractive. They make you look innocent, and dudes like that. Ana sounds cute, but, like Bella Swan, she isn’t allowed to know she’s cute. Whatever.

Ana has to go do an interview with billionaire businessman Christian Grey because her journalist roommate, Kate, is sick and needs a stand-in. Ana lives in Washington state. Yep. Still Washington. Ms. James couldn’t even change the location from Twilight. Ana arrives in Seattle to interview Christian, who hires blonde women to guard him at the office. Ana makes a big deal in her head about the blonde assistants. 

But I actually wasn’t hating the whole book yet, which surprised me. I was enjoying myself. But then, disaster: When Ana walks into Mr. Grey’s office, she trips over her own feet and falls to the ground. Ugh. Clumsy women?!! Really? Don’t we have enough of those in freaking chick flicks? As cracked.com has pointed out, one annoying way to have a perfect female character who isn’t actually perfect is to make her fall down all the time. It’s stupid and lazy. It gives Christian a chance to touch her right away though, as he helps her up with “strong and gentle hands.”

The interview with Christian Grey starts. Naturally, he is young and hot. Ana acts all nervous and Christian teases her. Christian is arrogant and Ana gets rude. Gumption? Naw. She called him a control freak (oh ho, she has no idea). That’s no way to perform your roommate’s interview. You listen to the egomaniac, write it all down, and deliver it to the journalist so that she can write a piece about what an ass he is. Calling a rich, arrogant guy a control freak is a way to a) get thrown out of his office, or b) get him to see you as something he must conquer into submission. I wonder which one Christian picks. /sarcasm.

Christian says, “Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.” Ughh, he’s unbearable. Edward Cullen sucked, but this guy is even worse. During the interview, there’s a lot of nonsense like flushing, heated and steady gazes, and eyebrow raisings. The sparks are flying, even though Ana isn’t impressed with his character. I bet she sleeps with him. He says her name and her heartbeat accelerates. Ana thinks, “He is beautiful. No one should be this good looking.” The questions Kate prepared aren’t good and Ana doesn’t get to ask very many.

We find out that Christian is adopted and has a brother and sister. He has a weird reaction to the question, “Are you gay?” He inhales sharply. Perhaps because he thought it was a disrespectful question? Or one that is too personal? Either way, I think that part should have been omitted. Christian clearly and immediately wants Ana for her youth, rudeness, and cuteness. This goes over her head. Christian cancels his next meeting to finish up with Ana, and now he wants to know about her. He doesn’t get much information, so Ana retains her mystery. As she leaves, Christian touches her shoulders and teases/flirts a little more. Ana calls him by his first name after he uses hers, and then the elevator doors close for her to leave. Way to go, Ana. Now he has to dominate you.

At this point I’m wondering if I can bear this assclown for more chapters. Sidenote: Christian Grey’s eyes are…wait for it…gray.

Chapter 2

Ana rushes out of the building and has what sounds like a mini panic attack. No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. She calls her reaction “irrational.” Get a brain. He paid attention to you, touched you, flirted with you, and tried to offer you an internship. Plus, he’s hot, rich, powerful, and confident. Even a girl who legitimately hated him and would never sleep with him would be a little affected. There’s no drug like power and control, and no charisma like that of those who have it.

Ana works at Clayton’s, a hardware store in the Portland area, where she stocks shelves. Snore. She should have taken that job. Portland…I wonder if Ana is a hipster. Kate listens to the tape and transcribes it. She picks up on Christians obvious crush on Ana. We have a non-idiot female in the house! Ana doesn’t believe her because she’s a simpleton in this area. Kate says, “Even you can’t be immune to his looks.” That establishes that Ana is picky with guys. Possibly virginal. Of course she’s that way. Ana thinks it’s because she’s read too many classic books with better men. Okay, I can sympathize with that. Kate pounds the point in further with, “You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first.” Ugh, unnecessary.

Friday night, Ana’s photographer friend, Jose, comes to see her. Photographer. Yep, I think we’re dealing with hipsters here. Plus, Ana says, “Organized group activities aren’t really my thing” in this chapter. Jose invites Ana and Kate to a gallery opening where I just know Christian Grey is going to be. If E.L. James is smart (and hey, she’s sold a lot of books, so maybe she is), she’ll build up lots of romantic tension before Ana and Christian sleep together. It won’t happen at least until the middle of the book. Even though Ana thinks she is undesirable, she knows that Jose wants to be more than friends. Like a lot of girls, she’s okay with leaving him in limbo, suffering, because she gets a good guy friend and free emotional support. Bitchy.

Christian Grey visits Ana at the hardware store on Saturday to buy cable ties, rope, and masking tape. That’s not creepy at all! /sarcasm. Man, if this were a horror book, it could be really good. I’d like to give these first two chapters to Stephen King and just have him finish the book. What is with some female writers and “long-fingered hands” on guys? E.L. James has mentioned the long fingers more than three times now. I never really look at a dude and go, “Cute, BUT WAIT, does he have the long fingers I so desire?” Long fingers. The epitome of sexiness. Psh. Christian says he is in Portland to visit a farming division where he is funding research. Has he seen Food Inc.? Stop messing with the food, people.

Christian Grey obviously needs these items for his kinky sex, something he makes clear when he says he can use these items while he’s naked. This goes completely over Ana’s head, and Christian loves this. WHY DO GUYS LIKE STUPID GIRLS WITH THE MINDS OF BABIES? I’ll admit, I love guys with an innocent streak as much as guys love innocent girls, but this is really pushing it. Ana is in college. Get the message, woman. Ana tells Christian that Kate needs original photographs of him for her article. He gives her a “lost look.” What? Christian gives Ana his card with his cell phone number.

------

Then my Kindle says, “END OF THIS SAMPLE KINDLE BOOK. ENJOYED THE SAMPLE? BUY NOW.” Hmm. Do I want to buy this? It’s like 12 bucks. Think of how much Taco Bell I could get with that. I’ll sleep on it. I’m mildly curious to see how awful this gets.

While we're on the subject of books, Tina Fey's Bossypants was hilarious, and I also liked How Should a Person Be by Sheila Heti, even though it was a little self-important. I felt like it was honest. Read the introduction, and if you hate it, you will hate the whole book. Lots of sex and cursing too.

Supernatural episodes you can skip

So you want to catch up on Supernatural, but there are over 100 episodes and AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. Well, since we’ve been catching up and have only one season left to go, we’re going to list the episodes you really don’t have to watch. We’ll review the show in its entirely when we finish season seven, but just about everyone who has watched a few episodes knows that it’s a very inconsistent show. Episodes can be great one week and terrible the next. We totally see why its fanbase is so passionate though. Here are some of the pointless suckers, in our opinions. Defend them in the comments if you disagree. We think you'll end up liking the show more if you don't have to watch these time wasters. 

Season one - You could actually skip most of it. Season one is very procedural, cheesy, and “monster of the week.” Not as much from this season crops up later. It’s good to watch a few and get a sense of the first season and cases the boys take on. Here are the worst offenders:

• "Wendigo" - Skip it because it’s just like any monster in the woods movie you’ve ever seen. There’s nothing original. Just know that a Wendigo is “a malevolent cannibalistic spirit that could possess humans or a monster that humans could physically transform into.” They are mentioned later in the show.
• "Bloody Mary" - Snore
• "Hook Man" - Not good, but kind of fun. Watch it if you want to or have time, but you are okay skipping it.
• "Bugs" - This is the episode that nearly broke our will to finish this season. The boys don’t do ANYTHING to help the supernatural situation, it’s not nearly as gross or scary as it should have been, and it’s kind of boring too. You leave the episode thinking, “What was the point of that then? Why did Dean and Sam even go there?”
• "Route 666" - This episode features a racist truck that kills. A truck. A racist truck. Please tell us we’ve convinced you not to watch it.
• "Hell House" - Meh. Skippable.

Season two -

• "Everybody Loves a Clown" - The only important thing here is that Dean has angst and beats up the car with a tire iron. This is only important because they show it a lot in the recaps. You’ll want to know when it was.
• "No Exit" - We hesitated to put this on the list because it features Jo running off to be a hunter, against her mother’s wishes. It’s kind of important to that character, even though we don’t see her a whole lot in the series, however it’s a tad dull. Jo works a case with Sam and Dean and nearly gets killed. We also find out that John Winchester got her father killed by screwing up on a hunt. Jo isn’t so into Sam and Dean after that, but she still wants to be a hunter.
• "Croatoan" - The boys visit a town with a Croatoan virus that makes everyone evil/violent. It’s not as exciting as it sounds. Almost no one in the town lives. The virus is referenced later though.
• "Playthings" - This one isn’t bad, but if you are crunched for time, skip it. Otherwise, go ahead.
• "Houses of the Holy" - The only thing you need to know about this is that Dean doesn’t believe in angels or God, but Sam does.
• "Roadkill" - This is an unoriginal ghost story and a yawner.
• "Hollywood Babylon" - This episode has a great reference for Gilmore Girls fans, but it’s otherwise a cheesy reminder of season one.

Season three -

• "Sin City" - A boring episode confirms that the Ceiling Demon was named Azazel. Dean bonds a little bit with a female demon and Sam kills her. Ruby helps Bobby repair the Colt.
• "Red Sky at Morning" - The boys work with that female thief with the horrible British accent, Bella, and she still isn’t trustworthy. The baddie of the week is a ghost pirate ship. It’s awful.
• "Ghostfacers" - The only good thing about this turd is that Dean gets the nickname “Chisel Chest.” We don't know why he didn't get it before; dude is ripped.
• "Long Distance Call" - The last scene in the hotel room between the brothers might be worth your time, but the rest of the episode isn’t. Dean admits he’s scared and Sam promises to help get him out of his mess. It’s sweet. We love when they talk about their feelings at the end of episodes.

Season four - 

• "Criss Angel is a Douchebag" - This one is watchable and has good moments, but Dean and Sam don’t really do anything, and it stalls the show’s best season. All you need to know from this is that Sam is hiding something from Dean/he’s up to something bad with Ruby, but we don’t get to know what it is yet.
• "It’s a Terrible Life" - This is a good episode that we think is largely a waste of time, even though it’s kind of fun. Watch it if you can, don’t sweat it if you can’t. The important thing to know is that Dean meets Zechariah, one of Castiel’s superiors. Zechariah shows up to encourage Dean that he is on the right path and the brothers would have chosen hunting evil even if they had not been raised by their crazy dad.

Note: "The Monster at the End of This Book" is possibly the best episode of the series.

Season five -

• "Fallen Idols" - Monster-of-the-week again. At this point, a procedural episode is unwelcome. We are trying to stop the apocalypse here! Paris Hilton just seems like a sideshow at this point. However, in season one, this would have been gold.
• "The Curious Case of Dean Winchester" - Man witch stupidity abounds.
• "Swap Meat" - A man witch trades bodies with Sam. The man witch episodes aren’t good.
• "99 Problems" - In which we meet The Whore of Babylon and Dean kills her. Then Dean goes back to Lisa, showing he still has feelings for her.
• "The Devil You Know" - The important thing is that Crowley offers Bobby a shot at Death in exchange for his soul. A lot happens in this episode, but nothing important/permanent. The boys get nothing done, so the hour is wasted.

Season six - The quality goes downhill to season one/two quality in this season.

• "Family Matters" - This is THE most boring episode of Supernatural, bar none. But watch the very end/fast-forward to the part where Crowley shows up and talks to the group. It’s either the last scene or almost the last scene. There’s mildly important plot info in that scene.
• "All Dogs Go to Heaven" - This episode is dumb.
• "Clap Your Hands If You Believe" - So is this one.
• "Mannequin 3: The Reckoning" - You should know not to watch this just from the name.
• "Frontierland" - If you’ve seen Back to the Future Part III, there is no reason to watch this. Just know that the boys get a hold of Phoenix ash.

Season seven - Okay. A lot. 

• "Defending Your Life"- Longtime fans might like this one because Jo returns as a ghost. But we feel like the real Jo wouldn't be like that. She would get it and move on. She was a sweet, smart girl who chose to go out like a hero, not a grudge-holder. This episode is just bad. 
• "Shut Up, Doctor Phil:- Not good and also not necessary to watch in order to get the rest of the season. 
• "Season 7, Time for a Wedding"- Again, longtime fans might like this, especially as it features the return of Becky the fangirl. The rest of us just know this episode was stupid. 
• "Time After Time"- Only watch this one if you've also seen The Untouchables. If you have, you'll enjoy it. Sidenote: We really hope you've seen that movie. It's fantastic.
• "The Slice Girls"- We hesitate to put this one because it features Aunt Jenna and perfect casting of her and Dean's daughter. Also, it's almost too weird. X-Files weird. It's like Supernatural meets Jerry Springer. You might not want to miss that. It is bad though.
• "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie"- This was a decent idea with a boring execution. Sam and the clown stuff was funny though.
• "Repo Man"- This episode is so similar to most other Supernatural episodes. There is just no reason to watch it. Supernatural is better when it's not a procedural and when there is more continuity because its procedural episodes just aren't that interesting. The characters they come across are usually bland, and we get boring results like these. 
• "Party On, Garth"- An F if there ever was one. All you need to know is that Bobby is back as a ghost and the boys don't yet know it.
• "The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo"- Possibly the worst episode of the series. The boys DO swipe something the Leviathans dug up in their archaeology project. You'll see it in the following episode. 

Season eight- A great improvement over the last two seasons.

• "Heartache"- Not terrible, but also not great or important.
• "Bitten"- We liked this episode a lot, but the Winchester brothers are hardly in it. Watch it if you have time, but don't fret if you don't. But if you have the time, do watch it.
• "Man's Best Friend with Benefits"- Ugh, no. No no no. The worst episode of the season so far. 

Do you have any to add?

The Glee Project - Actability

Team Lily Mae! Dianna Agron is the guest mentor today. She is so, so beautiful in the most traditional way. We think Dianna seems real and like someone we’d want to hang out with. Mostly, she seems smart. Oh poor babies. They have to show an emotion while they sing. SO HARD. They gave Ali "excited". That means they want her to win. Huge advantage. Blake was the worst, so we can’t believe Dianna liked him. Michael won the homework though.

The video of the week was a movie trailer set to P!nk’s "Perfect", which we love. It’s a powerful song. The kids were given a really convoluted story to play out. But hey, at least they don’t have to dance. Lily showed emotion in the studio AND sounded good. Yay! But then she was over-freaking-doing it in the video shoot. She was a good actress, but she couldn’t get to the point, dammit.

Bring on Darth Blake! He’s a natural actor and he pulled off his douchebag role. The cutest thing about the scene was Zach giggling and loving the scenes. Seventeen minutes in, and Aylin isn’t really annoying us yet. That’s a first. In the end, the kids did a good job, but we’d never see a movie with that trailer. It made no sense/it was all over the place.

Bottom three time! Those who remain go onto the finale. Nikki shows a sweet side. Whoa. Zach cries a little. All five contestants will perform for Ryan this time, as a final gift, so that they all have an equal shot. Most of the song choices they got were good, but Ali’s song was an awful pick for her. Even Lea Michele couldn’t pull of that rockin’ Halestorm song. Ali was sure to sound too shrill. You need a specific voice for that song. Lea and Ali don’t have it.

Aylin also got an unfortunate song. "Fighter" has little melody, lots of riffs, and lots of attitude. It’s a hard song to sing, if you aren’t Christina Aguilera, and no one else is. There are more judges on the bench than usual. First up was Michael with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", the slow, thoughtful version. It was okay. Lily Mae was next. She sings "Son of a Preacher Man". Great song. She looked so adorable in her little outfit with the headband!!! And she sounded perfect.

Ali was next, sounding like a munchkin as usual. Helium-voiced though she is, it’s hard to hate her because her attitude is so good. Plus, there was that cute little wheelchair thump. Then we had Blake with "I’m Still Standing". Nice moves, Blake. You just topped Michael with that dancing. One writer was concerned that Blake had no wound. Um, is he human? He has a wound. Just because you can’t write on a deep enough level to capture a conflict that isn’t obvious… Jeez.

Aylin next. It was better than we would have thought. She rocked a few notes. They love Aylin’s Islamic heritage and want to write for her. Ryan Murphy wants to cut more than one kid. It’s so cute how Michael puts Ali in her chair! Michael and Lily were cut. So much rage, you guys. We freaking hate this show. We get that Lily was stubborn in the beginning, but she got better! Obviously, Ali is going to win because they’ve shown Aylin being too unlikeable. Blake is too normal to beat the Muslim and wheelchair girl. Show’s over. Go home.

Episode grade: F-

WE HATE YOU GLEE PROJECT. This show will never please us.

Bunheads - Blank Up, It’s Time

That title (and the play title) is an example of what Amy SP does best. We will forever be wondering what the dirty word is that you could fit in the blank and have it make sense. That’s an awkward sentence. We should fix that. Naw. Too lazy. Anyway, this episode was entertaining and cute. We love having Fanny back because her return was well-done. It was good for her to leave for a while though. This episode was all about men and boys coming into the protagonists lives. Man, this weird little show needed some dudes. Fanny is back in town with an old friend in tow: Michael. Michael is a jazz pianist Fanny has known (and also known in the Biblical sense) since Hubbell was a ten-year-old. Michael easily handles Michelle and her weird humor, cooks Fanny breakfast, has a smooth and deep voice, and seems to get along with Fanny very well. He and Fanny kept it casual for decades, but, after nudging from Michelle, asks Michael to stay a while. Ooooh. We like him, and we like seeing Fanny happy and loved.

Sasha goes in the sun, in a bathing suit, and gets tan lines, which is against Fanny’s rules. In the hopes of quelling Sasha’s rebellious spirit, Fanny gives Sasha’s part in a big dance to Boo. Sasha then proceeds to go out for cheerleading and put blue streaks in her hair. She looks ridiculous. Fanny throws Sasha out of the studio. Boo gets a dance partner, Carl, who is shorter than her, kind of a dork, and clearly in love with her. Slowly, Carl wins Boo over. It’s so freaking cute. But then Ginny and Melanie are mean to him and Boo doesn’t stand up for him! They tell Carl that Boo doesn’t want him. How rude. Hopefully they can make it past that because Carl is much better for Boo than douche-y Charlie. Also, Carl is completely precious.

Fanny invites Michelle to see a play with her in Los Angeles. Michelle has a long conflict with a large woman who won’t move her legs so that Michelle could get to her seat. Pointless, plotwise, but very funny. Michelle meets Connor (DIGGER. Why is Digger Styles here? THIS IS THE DARKEST TIMELINE. If he hangs around, we will strangle ourselves.), the play’s director. After some banter, they date and then sleep together. Wow, that was quick. Do people really sleep together that quickly? Psh, we don’t. After sex, Michelle starts crying because only now is she able to grieve Hubbell. Okay, we can accept that. At least it made an amusing scene. Conner handles it well, but we still hate him because he is DIGGER and he is exactly like DIGGER and DIGGER IS THE WORST. 

Points off for the Killing Fields joke. That didn't work at all and bordered on bad taste.

Episode grade: B+

Breaking Bad - Fifty-One

Loved this episode! Hardly a slow moment. This is the best morality tale ever on TV. Happy 51^st birthday, Walt! It has been one year in the Breaking Bad universe, and oh what a year. Walt felt the need to get a new car. Two, actually. One is for Flynn. Since Skyer is so quiet she’s nearly comatose, Walt feels like the midlife-crisis mobile would be better received this time. During most of the episode, Skyler is acting like some sort of depressed marriage slave, not talking and just doing whatever Walt wants her to do.

Walt suggests a birthday party for himself. It’s sickening how Walt just sits and pretends nothing is wrong, like everything in the marriage is copasetic, when Skyler is clearly not happy about being married to a drug lord. Walt plunks money down on the kitchen sink and tells Skyler that he’s back in the business, only he’s the boss now that Gus is dead.

Skyler invites Hank and Marie over for a birthday dinner. Walt makes a big speech about survival and family and his cancer days, and Skyler ruins it by getting into the pool, fully dressed, and submerging herself. Since she’s an adult, everyone freaked out. Hank and Marie offer to take the kids for a couple of days while Walt and Skyler work on their marriage. This is all according to Skyler’s plan. Skyler doesn’t want Flynn and the baby around Kingpin Walt and his criminal empire.

When Hank and Marie leave, Walt and Skyler get into one of the most vicious arguments of all time. He is scary. Scary controlling, scary smug, and scary threatening. Skyler, not to be outdone as a horrible human being, pulls her trump card: I’m just gonna wait until the cancer comes back and kills you. We’re sure she’s not sweating the cigarettes since her secondhand smoke might just help it along.

It’s not the thing you want to say to your husband, but what other choice does she have? He backed her into that corner, verbally. Walt doesn’t just have physical cancer. He has a moral cancer, all mixed up with his own vanity and clear overestimation of his intellectual gifts. No one denies Skyler has been annoying since this show’s pilot, but Walt’s failure of integrity and wake of destruction have compromised the marriage. Skyler is a prisoner in her own home, partly because of her own bad choices.

Walt is leaving Skyler with no options but to wait until the time runs out, a theme emphasized by the ticking watch at the end of the episode. Is that how this series is going to end? Is Walt just going to die of cancer? That would be both perfect and not enough. Man, that fight scene bummed us out so much, but it was also so, so good. Once again (and forever), the only person we care about on this show is Jesse Pinkman. And maybe baby Holly and Hank. Hank is totally going to die though. Hell, everyone is probably going to die..

In other news, Lydia’s warehouse is visited by Hank and the D.E.A. and the guy she was going to have deliver the methylamine is arrested. He gives her a dirty look as the cops haul him away, knowing that he has to be quiet and take the fall for her. Hank totally suspects Lydia. The man is brilliant. Hank is BACK. He’s not collecting those rocks and verbally abusing Marie anymore. He’s promoted, back to work, and in good spirits. Adversity is good for Hank.

Mike sends Jesse to pick up the methylamine from Lydia. After a tense first meeting, Lydia and Jesse spot a D.E.A. tracker attached to the methylamine barrel. Mike realizes that Lydia planted the tracker herself so that Mike would think the cops were watching her and leave her alone. Mike decides to kill her, but Jesse (obviously) protests. Walt is the tie-breaker: Lydia lives because they need methylamine.

Sidenote: Ern has that shirt with Jesse’s face on it that says “YO BITCH!” under the face. (And I will not take it off.)

Episode grade: A-

The biggest crowdpleaser of 2011 that the crowd never saw...

Warrior is now on Instant Netflix. We trust you all have that? Watch it. It's better than most things that came out last year, but due to lack of marketing, you probably haven't seen it. Bane from The Dark Knight Rises is in it (and you can actually see his handsome face! That was Leeard's main complaint about DKR, hahaha).

Bunheads - What’s your damage, Heather?

An actual ballet class? We haven’t gotten to see one of those yet. Oh, and it’s for little kids. Alright, that’s cute. We still want to see a little of a real ballet class though. EIGHT years, Ginny? Eight years?!! Ginny is like 15!!  Fanny still isn’t back. Michelle discovers a leak in her roof and calls a plumber. Then she takes the girls out to eat. They discuss body issues. Snore. 

Michelle accidentally convinces Ginny to dump her gay boyfriend. You know, that one she’s been dating for eight years who brings her goodie baskets. Ginny’s nasty real estate broker mom yells at Michelle over this because she needs gay boyfriend around as some sort of glue and helper around the house (and surrogate husband). 

Sasha steals Michelle’s shirt and they have a fight. We LOVED Michelle taking Sasha to task (when she shouted the episode’s title). Sasha really should have gotten that reference, but we doubt most of the people watching ABC Family did. And then they showed us a little of a ballet class. Nice, show. Michelle has a little meltdown about not being perfect with the girls and feeling overwhelmed with the studio. Boo’s awesome Mom, Nanette, feeds Michelle cookies and encouragement. We still don't like Truly, even when she's less pathetic. We did like the Gilmore Girls alum who stopped by to do the plumbing...

Charlie asks Boo to talk him up with the newly single, and “hot,” Ginny. Poor Boo. Guys need to retire that term. “Hot” is the least intimate way a guy can say he finds a girl attractive. It’s callous, objectifying, and too casual for the sentiment. Don’t let guys call you hot. Lots of people are complaining that this show has no discernible plot, even episode-to-episode. We agree, and if one doesn’t crop up soon, one week we’re going to get too bored to tune in. This is the most meandering show we’ve ever seen. It also feels so unnatural (STILL). We are still enjoying Sutton Foster though. We love that the girls are getting more screen time, and we REALLY loved the 50 Shades of Grey dis from last week's episode. 

Episode grade: B-

Best Entertainment Deaths Part 2: Surprising, disturbing, or shocking deaths

We are continuing our list of best entertainment deaths. Weeks ago, we listed the saddest deaths (Mufasa. Tear.) Now we are listing the ones that we didn’t see coming.

Major spoiler warnings for LOST, Harry Potter book six, Game of Thrones season one, Dexter season four, 24 season five, The Stand, The Departed, The Sixth Sense, Se7en, Burn After Reading, Animal Kingdom, Full Metal Jacket, The Hurt Locker, Scream, The Dresden Files (books, not the stupid TV show), and American History X.

LOST - There were lots of deaths on this show, but the one we most loved was one of the best scenes of the whole series (according to Ern). Ben talked Locke down from the ledge, and we were touched at Ben’s show of humanity. Then Locke says some seemingly innocuous thing about Eloise Hawking and Ben’s face changes. Without warning, Ben kills Locke by strangling him in one of the most shocking and gripping TV scenes of all time. We were bummed, since Locke was awesome. Later, Ben got the chance to apologize and we were grateful for that.

Harry Potter - It’s the example of a big spoiler for a reason. If you were reading the sixth book, you knew Dumbledore was going to die. He was spending a lot of time with Harry and imparting wisdom. He had a nasty dead hand. But HOW and WHEN Dumbledore died made the death shocking. Raise your hand if you never doubted that Snape was good, even right after that. *Raises hand*

Game of Thrones - This show loves to kill people in gruesome ways, even if they are…the main charater?!! Up until the moment Ned Stark was beheaded, people thought Arya would find some way to save him. There was no hint that it was coming. No foreshadowing. After it happened, people were stunned. When Ern read the book in high school, the death was so surprising that it took Ern a while to pick the book up again. How can you kill one of the only (if not the only) character you could fully root for? In George R.R. Martin’s world, no one is safe.

Dexter - This show’s best season also got rid of one of its best characters. Sure, in season four Rita was starting to grate on people’s nerves. She was nagging Dexter, but when your husband is out at all hours of the night, leaving you with a baby, you have to wonder where he is. Obviously, Dexter couldn’t tell her. People wanted Rita dead, but then it actually happened. We thought the baddie was gone. Trinity was dead. Then Dexter came home and found Rita’s body in the bathtub. What a way to end a season! And we didn’t see it coming at all.

24 - In the season five premiere, the show offed two of our favorite characters from the previous seasons. President Palmer was the best president America ever had (shut up. He was real.) and Michelle Dessler was the most attractive woman on 24 thus far, not to mention the sweetest. After killing these characters, and gravely wounding Tony Almeida, the show turned in its best season. Way to start things off with a bang and then run with it.

The Stand by Stephen King - It’s been a while since we’ve read this book, so we don’t remember this guy’s name. We do remember that he was deaf and we liked him. He blew up in the middle of the book. Stephen King had a big case of writer’s block halfway through this puppy, and in order to get it rolling again, he had to kill this character. We understand that, but it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

The Departed - The end. Normally we would have hated deaths like that, but this movie was so strong, overall, that we just admired its balls.

The Sixth Sense - Duh. Almost all of us were surprised by this one.

Se7en - When John Doe took the two main detectives out to the desert to find his last two kills, we didn’t think any twist could live up to the rest of the movie. We thought the ending would be lame and a total letdown. But then the movie defied formula and had a head in a box and its hero blowing away a criminal who had already been caught. The deaths at the end left us viscerally stunned and so, so impressed.

Burn After Reading - It was surprising when Brad Pitt’s character, Chad, was killed in the middle of the thing, partly because of how it happened and partly because he was by far the most entertaining character in the movie. He took a lot of the movie’s fun with him, but his death was list-worthy.

Animal Kingdom - This movie had another surprising death that maybe came too early. Animal Kingdom made us like Baz, despite his criminal doings. Just as he was getting out of the thieving life, dirty cops shot him. It was good for the movie in that it made the audience root for the family over cops who would just murder a man, but we missed the guy as much as his friends did. 

Full Metal Jacket - Pyle’s suicide. The whole first half of this movie is incredible.

The Hurt Locker/Scream - These movies killed its big names early. Scream had Drew Barrymore just to off her in the first scene. The Hurt Locker waived the likes of Guy Pierce in our faces only to blow all the recognizable actors up in their first scenes. The movie did this twice. We loved it.

The Dresden Files - Too few of you read these books, in our opinions. But for those who do: Weren’t you surprised in Turn Coat when Morgan died? After all the effort Harry expended trying to save him from unjust execution? Just when we started to like the douchebag too. These books are ending darker and darker. That death was followed by Susan’s in Changes, and while we never really liked her, it was horrible the way Harry had to kill her. Then Harry kills himself?!! We really didn’t see that one coming. Keep an eye on the people in this series. They are starting to drop like flies. We are preparing our tissues for the inevitable deaths of Ebenezer and Thomas.

American History X - This is the disturbing one. Does anyone know what curb stomping is? Now we do. The death at the end was pretty awful too. This is a tough movie, but Edward Norton has never been better. 

Add yours, preciouses.

The Glee Project - Romanticality

Does this show know that “romanticism” is a word?

We didn’t blog about "Theatricality" and "Tenacity" (the last two episodes) because we had stuff going on. We’re sure you thought we would be upset that Nellie went home, but we felt like it was time. She didn’t take the advice and run with it. She got her second chance. We love her and her voice, but we don’t think she went home too early. It was deserved. We were SO SO SO glad Abraham went home in "Tenacity". Lily killed her song and Michael is so cute. Ern really loves Lily. Shanna is the most likeable, as a person, of the girls though. Ali keeps killing it. Ugh! Ern really hates her voice unless she is belting a long note. Then her voice loses that shrillness and gets some depth.

About Abraham: Ern has a newfound respect for Ryan Murphy. When Abraham tried to kiss up to him and talk about Ryan’s “adorable little hats,” Ryan was like, “Stop the flattery. Get real.” Ern haaaaaaaaaaaates being complimented. Unless she knows the person well, it always feels like the person wants something. Not to mention the fake thing. Ern is told that she needs to give more compliments because not everyone feels that way. It could be so. Anyway, Ryan acted like a big, gay Ern when he shut Abraham down. There was just something weird with Abraham’s attitude, and his voice wasn’t as good as the others.

This week, we have Romanticality and Darren Criss. Someone thinks the romantic relationships on Glee are “iconic”? Whaaaa? He also thinks the show has had “groundbreaking” scenes. Maybe the part where Kurt lost his virginity at the same time as Rachel? Maybe. But that’s it. Man, these kids always sound good on the homework challenges. Shanna is like, “I don’t get negative feedback.” Umm, when there are only six people left, you’re gonna. Of course the hot one won the challenge. We didn’t appreciate his girl impersonation. The girls don’t sound like that when they talk, especially Lily. Maybe Ali sounds like that.

Poor Blake! How can you be on Glee and not be able to do harmony?!! FINN can do harmony. Of course, harmony is something anyone with an ear can learn to do. You just have to practice. We recommend singing along with boy bands (even if you hate them). Those bands have obvious harmony, and the songs are harmony-friendly. Sing along with those harmony parts, and you will soon be picking it out of regular songs. You didn’t see anyone going nuts over the guest principal. Sad. We’ve got to give it to Ali and Blake. They were the sexiest. “We Found Love” was a really cute video (for this show, anyway).

We feel bad for Aylin. It’s tough for a straight girl to create chemistry with another girl that’s more believable than two straight couples. We thought the songs they gave the bottom three were difficult. Leeard wanted to see Aylin go, but Ern wanted to see Blake go. Of course, he’s not going home because he’s adorable. Ern wanted to keep Aylin because she makes the show interesting and Ern likes her voice, even though it’s a little breath-y. Both of us wanted to keep Shanna, and we were pretty sure she was safe since it’s her first time in the bottom three. Of course she then proceeded to suck a little.

Aylin gave Ern chills singing “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.” Beautiful. Too bad she forgot the words. Blake’s nerves affected his rendition of “Losing My Religion,” an overdone, but nice song. He sounded good. Now let’s hear him do harmony with it. Shanna sang “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson, and she forgot the words too. Still, we think she sounded better than Mercedes did singing it. Shanna’s voice had more oomph, especially in the beginning before she forgot the words. Ryan has to, essentially, ask her, “What is about you that can be on Glee? Do you have a handicap? Are you gay?” Nope. She’s normal. That means she’s gone. We’re so angry.

Episode grade: F

It was kind of boring too.

Leeard's Picks - Tubey Awards Fourth Round

Best Drama - Game of Thrones
As I'm sure Ern has complained about before, I've only seen 3 episodes of Breaking Bad, so I obviously didn't pick that. Castle is one of my guiltiest pleasures, but there's no way it can beat Game of Thrones. The Vampire Diaries was a very, very close second, since it's arguably my favorite show, but GoT is definitely better.

Best New Show - New Girl
I tried to choose this one based on which show I'd most miss from my life if it had never been created. That narrowed it down to New Girl, Revenge, and Suits. I think Suits is a really under-appreciated show, but I can't imagine not having New Girl to watch.

Most Ludicrous Plotline - Will Schuester suddenly doesn't know Spanish despite teaching it for years, Glee
Okay, Ern's explanation for this makes sense, but I still think it's ludicrous. I'd believe that he could get a job without knowing Spanish (they needed a teacher, he was able to fake it enough that a high school principal in Ohio was tricked), but after years of teaching it, he STILL doesn't know the language? Nope. Not buying it.

Best Reality Show Host or Judge - Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Um obviously. My love for Cat is well-documented. I love Blake Shelton on The Voice, and Zach Woodlee is good, but no one is better than Cat Deeley and The Glee Project is not as good as SYTYCD.

Worst Reality Show Host or Judge - Brooke Burke, Dancing with the Stars
She's basically just the worst in general, now that Christina Milian isn't an option. She's pointless. And a bad interviewer.

Best Single Episode, Drama - "Blackwater", Game of Thrones
Okay, so "Always" has just a massive portion of my heart, but "Blackwater" was just a badass hour of television.

Best Single Episode, Comedy - "Remedial Chaos Theory", Community
Possibly the greatest episode of any television show in the past year. I've seen it roughly 15 times, and I will continue to watch it. It never gets old.

Most Unwelcome New Character - Talisa, Game of Thrones
Ugh. Ern has heard me talk about how much I hate Talisa. She just annoys me. Nellie Bertram from The Office was a close second. She's just kind of a gross person.

Most Welcome New Character - Jaqen H'ghar, Game of Thrones
While I don't have the same issue with characters from new shows being nominated in this category as Ern does (um, they're LITERALLY new characters, Ern, that makes them valid choices), I'm still going with Jaqen. I'll miss you and your hot face next season.

Best Guest Star - Paul Rudd, Parks and Recreation
Can I choose none of the above? Please? I've only seen roughly 3 of the episodes with Paul Rudd, so I don't feel like I should be able to pick him but whatever. All of the other options stink (or I don't watch the show).

Most Anticipated New Show of the 2012-13 Season - Elementary
I'm actually really looking forward to The Mindy Project, but I didn't want to copy Ern on another thing. Also, The Carrie Diaries is apparently a real thing, and not a show I imagined in a hazy dream.

Favorite Show to Hate Watch - Smash
It might surprise some of you, but I actually kind of love Keeping up with the Kardashians. Mainly Khloe. Like, I follow her on twitter. She's kind of the best. That show doesn't (usually) make me hate myself. Smash does. It makes me wonder on a weekly basis why I'm wasting my precious time watching this nonsense.

Guiltiest TV Pleasure - 2 Broke Girls
Yeah it's not the best show, but I laugh more during an episode of 2 Broke Girls than I do when my dad forces me to watch Two and a Half Men or reruns of Seinfeld. Also, I freely admit to people that I watch Pretty Little Liars, so Ern needs to get over herself. (Ern sidenote: Never. Also, I agree that Khloe is cool. I heard her on the radio and thought she was smart/funny.)

The fourth round of the Tubey Awards - Ern’s picks

Best Drama - The Good Wife

For me, it was down to Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, The Good Wife, and The Vampire Diaries. Mad Men had its most entertaining season this year, but is Fun Megan really enough to make the show best drama? Eliminated. Game of Thrones is incredible and was so much fun this year, but it felt like a lot of middle. Plus, Jaime was sidelined for most of it. Eliminated. Breaking Bad had a good second half of the season, but the first half was incredibly slow. Eliminated. The Vampire Diaries couldn’t top season two. The beginning of the season and the season finale were unbelievably good and fast-moving, but the middle stopped the show cold. The Alaric stuff bored me a  little, and there was hardly any plot movement when Klaus was walking around Mystic Falls, whining and not killing anybody. Then there was the ridiculous tree stake plotline. TVD is better than that season middle. The Good Wife also had its most entertaining season this year, and it had all those fun guest stars and plot twists. So that’s my pick, and I’m really shocked. Last round, I picked Breaking Bad. I just love all these shows so much!

Best New Show - Once Upon a Time

Girls didn’t make it to the finals. Ugh. I quickly narrowed this down to American Horror Story, Homeland, New Girl, and Once Upon a Time. You may be wondering why I didn’t even consider Revenge though. Frankly, because the first half of every episode is painfully boring before things get rolling, and it’s such a soapy, frothy, shallow trifle that I would never pick it over the four shows above. Sure, I watch Revenge, but vengeance isn’t really an idea I find interesting. Nolan makes that show worth it for me. Oh yeah, and hot guys. Anyway, back to my choices. American Horror Story is not going to win because it was not at all scary. Ryan Murphy threw everything he could at the show and made everything stick. He built no suspense and his twists were predictable and contrived. Still, it was in my top four because it was so entertaining and easy to watch. Plus, Connie Britton. I feel like the other three shows are so different but equally good for what they are. So my test for this one was: “If a new episode of all three of these great shows was out right now, which one would I want to watch first?”

Most Ludicrous Plotline - Carl is allowed total freedom to wander around (The Walking Dead)

I loooove this category. So fun. How did “Sue’s Pregnancy from Glee” not make it to the finals?!! I will go through each choice.1) A musical masterpiece completely came together in just a few months after one unsuccessful workshop went straight to an out-of-town opening within the span of a few weeks. (Smash) - I’m not that bewildered by this. They were under pressure, in a hurry, and surrounded by talent. I do all my best work at the last minute. Why not these people? 2) All of Season 7 (Supernatural) - I’m only on season six, but I doubt I would ever pick this show for a negative quality. It’s just too fun. It was never supposed to be good. It’s a gory, adorable guilty pleasure for nerds. It’s not supposed to be believable. It’s called “Supernatural.” 3)-4) Blair picks Chuck/Blair decides to give a relationship with Brooklyn a try (Gossip Girl) - Blair picking Chuck is not at all ludicrous. They are meant for each other. The second one is more annoying than ludicrous. 5) Carl is allowed total freedom to wander around (The Walking Dead) - Yeah, his parents would never let him do that in real life. There be ZOMBIES about. 6) Finchel engagement (Glee) - Not ludicrous so much as just dull and stupid. Like most things on that show 7) Just a few days after being able to walk, Quinn can do choreographed dances at Nationals with no issue (Glee) - I know I can’t learn/do choreographed dances even with perfect legs (Leeard says they are my best feature), so I can see how this is a legit pick. 8) Rachel bombs her audition, but still gets into her dream school (Glee) - This is completely believable because LEA MICHELE SINGING. 9) Stefan can again become a love interest for Elena after slaughtering people as a "ripper" (The Vampire Diaires) - Look, until he becomes not hot, he can still be a love interest. Also, Damon has been killing people on purpose for years. Just because Stefan was more disgusting about it doesn’t make it worse, especially since Stefan didn’t do it on purpose. 10) Will Schuester suddenly doesn't know Spanish despite teaching it for years (Glee) - Totally believable. Will is a moron and our public schools are crap.

Best Reality Show Host or Judge - Zach Woodlee, The Glee Project.

We first had to narrow this down to the reality shows I watch. I usually hate them. That leaves the following. Adam Levine (The Voice) - He has a cuter personality than I would have thought possible by looking at him, because he looks like a total douche. Blake Shelton (The Voice) - I actually think he’s kind of a dick on this show. Cat Deeley (So You Think You Can Dance)- There’s Leeard’s pick. Zach Woodlee (The Glee Project) - Holy cuteness mixed with compassion for those whiners? Mmmhmmm.

Worst Reality Show Host or Judge - Randy Jackson, American Idol.

May I pick all of them? Reality TV is a blight on my favorite hobby. Christina Aguilera on The Voice gets an unfair shake. She came from an abusive household and spent her entire life in the spotlight. Of course she is going to be cold, un-vulnerable, and mildly bitchy. That’s why she is a) alive, and b) not insane. She had to build that wall. Sorry she’s not soft enough for you vultures. I almost want to pick Jennifer Lopez for how much she hated on Haley Reinhart for being sexy and AWESOME, but that was last year, so I will leave J-Lo alone. Nicole Scherzinger on The X Factor played dumber than she actually is, so she’s another tempting show. Ryan Murphy is genuine, entertaining, and no-bullshit on The Glee Project. I would never pick him for this. Tyra Banks? If by worst, you mean crazy, brilliant, arrogant, twisted, disgusting, shameless, gorgeous, and the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen? Then yeah, she’s the worst. I’m giving it to The Dawg. He never says anything worthwhile and he needs to leave the show. Literally no one likes him.

Best Single Episode – Drama - “Face Off” (Breaking Bad)

This. Was. Painful. I considered a couple of these. Blackwater (Game of Thrones) - This is a show I love, and this is possibly my favorite episode of it. It was chock-full of Tyrion, one of the undoubted best characters, and THE BATTLE OMG with all the green fire and…I can’t even. It was fantastic, emotional, exciting, and perfect. But Breaking Bad’s “Face Off” made season four for me. The season built toward it. It ended with the perfect twist. I almost picked this for best drama, but really, the whole season was about this episode. It left me speechless.

Best Single Episode – Comedy - Remedial Chaos Theory (Community)

“Win Lose or Draw” from Parks and Recreation didn’t make it to the finals. Do people even WATCH that show?!! I cried in that episode 20 minutes before a law school exam. That’s how much that episode was able to pull me out of reality. I don’t even want to vote in this category now. I’m not voting for any The Big Bang Theory episode. I’ve tried so many times, but I don’t really like that show. It hates smart people/nerds and runs the same joke over and over. It’s better than most shows like it though. My Community pick is in one of the top 25 comedy episodes I’ve ever seen, period.

Most Unwelcome New Character - Rory (Glee)

I narrowed this down to Amanda Clarke the stripper (Revenge), Quinn (How I Met Your Mother), and Rory (Glee). I actually like Joe from Glee and Talisa from Game of Thrones. I feel like the only one! Rory was creepy and a total waste of time. His only redeeming quality is that he’s played by Damian, who is adorable and can sing like a young, Irish Sinatra. Only worse. Amanda the stripper is vile (but entertaining). Quinn is a distracting from important HIMYM endgames and her character is icky, but she’s played by one of my favorite TV actresses. Ughhhhhh. I’m going with Rory again. Just because, as a character, he has almost no redeeming qualities and makes the show even dumber.

Most Welcome New Character - Rebekah (The Vampire Diaries)

Because Bobby Newport opposed Leslie (who could?!!), Champion is a DOG, Coach Roz is a minor character, Constance doesn’t really seem to fit in this category (it was a new show. She’s not a new character), Meredith Fell is sketchy, Michonne was on The Walking Dead for like a second, and Ygritte hasn’t brought much good fortune yet. Jaqen was my second choice.

Best Guest Star- Paul Rudd (Parks and Recreation)

Felicia Day was on Supernatural?!! I can’t wait to get to that episode. Emilie de Ravin did NOT fit Belle for me in Once Upon a Time, and she had an Australian accent when no one else in her world does. For me, it came down to Carrie Preston and Paul Rudd. Misha Collins is so cute and hilarious, but he’s not a guest star. He’s on Supernatural all the time. And, again, I didn’t see season seven. I’m over Glee people. Dot Marie Jones was great last year, but now all she does is cry. Matt Bomer is beautiful, but he annoyed me on Glee. Good voice though. Parks and Rec should win something on the Tubeys for this season. It was nearly perfect and Paul fit right in.

Most Anticipated Show of the 2012-2013 Season - The Mindy Project

Awful name, but after reading her book, I’m anxious to see what she would do with her own show. She’s a clever girl. Revolution is my second choice, but something that high-concept is either going to be terrible or it will just beg for an early cancellation that will piss me off.

Favorite Show to Hate Watch - Dance Moms

I don’t even want to hate watch Smash or True Blood anymore. Two and a Half Men is also unwatchable, even for hate. Keeping Up with the Kardashians is so freaking BORING. I’ve seen half an episode, and I admire the attention spans of its friends. America’s Next Top Model used to be my #1 pick for this, but I have since discovered Dance Moms. I am revolted and highly amused. It’s so gross the way they make little girls bear their midriffs and do sexual dances. I’m like, “What the hell, moms?” And then the fat one screams at everyone. Those little girls can dance WELL. They deserve more than that show. But man, it’s so fun to watch. Also, I genuinely like Grey’s Anatomy. And so does DEAN WINCHESTER, love of my life. Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

Guiltiest TV Pleasure - Pretty Little Liars

I liked 2 Broke Girls at first because I thought it had potential. Then it kept the canned jokes and racist side characters. Potential unrealized. I picked Dance Mom’s for the last thing. I think I’m gonna pick something I watch that I actually feel a little guilty about watching because it’s so bad. I do NOT feel bad about watching The Vampire Diaries. That show is the tits, and if I’m at all wrong for watching it, I don’t want to be right. I dropped Gossip Girl because it sucks now, and I don’t watch Teen Wolf. Everyone watches Revenge and loves it more than I do, so I don’t have to feel guilty about that. I get little pleasure out of Glee or True Blood. So it’s down to Pretty Little Liars and American Horror Story, both shows that entertain me. With AHS, I can just say, “I like seeing all the homages to old horror” and people still think I’m cool (hint: I’m not), so I have to pick PLL. I don’t see myself dropping it any time soon, and since I’m 25, I should not be watching it. I can’t even defend it to regular people like I can TVD.

Pretty Little Liars- Stolen Kisses

So, one of us wanted to watch The Glee Project this morning instead of PLL, but couldn’t find a link! That’s a first. Flabbergasted! This blogger couldn’t even find a paid link. Wtf. This never happens to us. PLL it is then. We miss our fall shows so much. And megavideo.

And I doooon't even know his last naaaame. Sing it, Aria.

Caleb is back in town?!! Yessss. This is a Wren, Toby, and Caleb-filled episode, which is our favorite kind of episode. They are all still hot too, in case you were wondering. The first Hanna/Caleb meeting broke our hearts a little. She’s not dating Wren, Caleb! Wren is for Spencer when she finally realizes that brains are more important than perfect stomach muscles. Marginally more important. Caleb said, “Whatever happened, Hanna is important to me.” And he’s still down to crush Mona. Even in a breakup, the boy is perfection. We liked him helping Spencer and them being friendly, but Spencer needs to get her hand off of his arm.

Hilariously, Aria doesn’t know what to wear that’s sophisticated enough for Ezra’s mom. Emily needed to say, “Girl, just take one of your regular dresses and remove all the feathers/accessories, and you are ready for the ball.” But she didn’t, so Aria ended up wearing one of Spencer’s dresses. We didn’t like it. She just could have worn something a lot better and less childish. Ezra’s mom is so pretty. Of course she’s a bitch. Aria handled her with gumption.

“No one will give a brown rat’s ass about her in Saratoga.” We love you, Hanna. And then WHAT THE HELL? A Hanna/Wren kiss? Ughhh, we kind of ship it. Poor crazy Paige. What is this show doing with Nate? We don’t like the way Emily and Paige got together. Creepy. Plus, that scene where Emily essentially told Paige that she wanted to make a go of things was slow and uninteresting. Then they proceed to swim laps? You’re doing it wrong, girls. One of us is getting bored with this show. It seems repetitive and never-changing. Still, this was one of the better episodes.

Episode grade: B+

Yeah Bitch! Magnets, Oh!- Breaking Bad season 5, episodes 1-3

Breaking Bad season five started three weeks ago and Ern is thrilled, obviously. *Start first person here.* Leeard didn’t catch up in time. While these episodes didn’t blow me away, they are setting up some real shit, I can tell. Plus, this show is pretty consistent. There are few, if any, lemons. The biggest problem for most people with this show is pacing. It’s deliberate, thoughtful, and always starts out slow in the beginning of seasons, ramping up the tension until the finales just make everything explode (often literally). The individual scenes are long, and there will be 30-40 seconds without dialogue. In short, this show takes patience. This isn’t The Vampire Diaries (not to knock the expertly paced TVD. That show is the tits).

Live Free or Die

We start the season a little over a year in the future. Walt coughs and takes pills, showing us that his cancer might be back. He is alone, travelling, on his birthday. The show wants to give us a peek at the direction in which Walter is heading. It’s nowhere good: Walt has an M62 in his trunk. That’s Big Nasty Gun for all of you non-gun nerds. Even worse, Walt has a full beard, and it's nasty. It's not as gross as Jack Shepherd's pube beard at the end of LOST season three, but it's close. Bright side? Walt has hair on his head. The show cuts right back to where last season ended, and Walt informs Skyler that he “won.” Now Skyler is really scared of her husband. The show hammers that point home by having her tell Walter that she is scared of him. Oh, Breaking Bad, your heavy-handedness is your Achilles heel, even to the critics sucking your meth-filled chode. But I forgive the show, since it is awesome.

The rest of the episode focuses on Walt, Jesse, and Mike teaming up to get Gus Fring’s laptop back from the police evidence storage room. Remember the camera watching them cook? Well, all of the footage went to that laptop. Jesse has the idea of the night: Magnets. So the three new amigos get this giant magnet and use it to destroy the laptop from outside the police station. That scene was great. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was just a lot of fun. If you are wondering how the Mike-Walter reunion went, you must know that they still hate each other. Mike almost shot Walt, but Jesse stepped in front of the gun, convincing Mike to hear Walt out. Heartbreaking. Walt is so nasty, even Saul tries to quit working for him. Walt walks up to him, menacingly though, and Saul cracks.

Possibly my favorite moment of the night (because I’m a horrible person) was seeing that Ted Beneke was alive. “WHAT?!!” you say. “But Ern, you hate Ted, as does every other Breaking Bad fan.” Yes, yes, this is so. But Ted’s current position is delicious. He looks like freaking Voldemort. He is sitting stiff in a hospital bed, head-shaved, with his entire torso in this giant halo/collar device. He looks like he won’t be able to talk, but he can. He’s terrified of Skyler and promises that he won’t say a word about his “accident” and that he will stay on her good side from now on. Skyler says, “Good.” Good on you, Skyler. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster, right? Admit it, fans. Death was too good and easy for Ted. And that's why you should always pay your taxes.

Episode grade: B+

Madrigal

An opening scene COMPLETELY IN GERMAN? Is this show trying to get me from “going steady” to “married to it.” Because I DO. I love German. Walt wants to get back into business. He easily enlists Jesse. Jesse begins the episode freaking out that he still can’t find the Ricin cigarette. He’s terrified someone (maybe a kid) will find it, smoke it, and die. Jesse, I just want to hug you, take you home, feed you sandwiches, and tell you to forgive yourself for your entire life. No one on this show has that kind of conscience. Jesse knows that cigarette was his responsibility. Walt plants the cigarette in Jesse’s house so that they can find it together. Upon finding it, Jesse breaks down, crying and apologizing to Walter for not trusting him last season. Walter’s pants do not catch on fire nor does God strike him dead.

Walt tries to get Mike to team up with him, for business, and Mike tells Walt to go pound sand. The DEA is grabbing all Gus Fring’s people, who are paid not to talk. However, Lydia, one of Gus’s people, is freaking out that they might. She calls Mike and basically asks Mike to kill his men who could take her down. Mike is like, “Lady, you’ve been watching too much TV.” So this crazy ho decides to kill the 11 guys herself. Mike goes to Lydia’s house to kill her. This woman is blue-blooded, white, smart, rich, and a mother. She has this huge, beautiful house, a Latina maid, and a very little girl named Kaylee. Mike spares Lydia in exchange for an ingredient Walt needs to start cooking again. You see, Mike has a granddaughter he cares about. He needs to provide for her. In other news (okay, this isn’t really news) Mike is a stone-cold bad ass when being questioned by the police.

Episode grade: B

Hazard Pay

Landry from Friday Night Lights appears. Ugh. I never liked him on FNL. Mostly because he isn’t good-looking. This show is in desperate need of a hot guy. It’s a testament to how good Breaking Bad is that I even continue to watch it, despite the lack of hotness. My sister would say, “Ahh, but Walt Jr. is pretty cute.” Flynn? I’m sorry, but if this is true, I’m having trouble seeing it past the sheer annoyance, obliviousness, and uselessness that is Walt’s son. I’ve been awaiting his death since season one.

The slow, but necessary, part of the night was Mike, Walt, and Jesse finding a place to cook. The do, it’s clever, and now that’s done with. When Mike takes too big of a cut to pay his loyal men, Walt considers getting rid of Mike. He eerily mentions the way Gus got rid of Victor. Please. Walt would poison Mike or bomb him (since he probably can’t send Jesse to shoot him like with Gale). Walt is like a cowardly snake in the grass. He won’t physically get his hands dirty. That reminds me of Hitler, who I heard turned away from concentration camps whenever he passed them in a vehicle. Jesse ends things with Andrea because he knows that he can’t be honest with her about everything in his life.

Marie has lunch with Skyler. Skyler ends up yelling, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.” Well, can’t say I blame her. I like Marie about as much as I like Walt Jr. Marie takes Skyler home and questions Walt about Skyler’s life stress. Walt blames the meltdown on Ted Beneke, solemnly informing Marie that Skyler cheated on him. Then Walt proceeds to watch Scarface with Flynn while Skyler naps. Skyler comes out of her room just in time to see Walt laughing at a violent scene. Walt ominously notes that everyone dies in the movie. Skyler is losing it. My cousin texted me last night: “I’d feel a heck of a lot more sorry for Skyler if she hadn’t been such a massive skank for the last four seasons.” Preach.

Episode grade: B

Pretty Little Liars posts are better late than never, right?

The Remains of the A

This show subjected us to a montage of Aria taking Ezra’s picture. Ugh. Hanna and Spencer’s plan to leave a note for A was brilliant. Unfortunately, Agent Wilden still exists. Whyyyy? Hanna’s lies not only broke up her relationship with Caleb, they are threatening Spencer and Toby. Toby was the most boring, morose date anyway. Good thing you’re hot, Toby. We weren’t quite sure WHY Hanna needed a fake date for the party. She ended up sneaking off anyway. She could have gone stag and just socialized, leaving her mom with Ted. It’s so sad that Ashley Marin feels like she’s not good enough for the pastor. Yeah, she’s make mistakes, but any pastor worth his salt would agree with Hanna: Who hasn’t made mistakes? Ted seems real and we hope/know it’s not over between him and Ashley.

The drama with Ezra having a drawer full of cash was just annoying. We wish he had actually done something bad, rather than just sold an antique car. That would have at least been interesting. He doesn’t have half the mystery Holden does. That rave stamp is kind of a cool symbol. PLL superfans, we expect you to have those tattoos as soon as it’s legal for you to get them. We were shocked that Spencer had such a meltdown when the murderer turned out to be Garrett. We guess she really needs someone to blame for all the madness, as well as knowledge that the murderer isn’t still out there. Of course she’s still out there, Spencer. Of course it’s not Garrett. Spencer was a decent crier, acting-wise. This one was a little slow and meandering for us, but we liked the focus on Spencer’s craziness.

Episode grade: B-

Crazy

Wait, this is the first Pretty Little Liars episode called “Crazy”? That’s not right. Ern has never played with a Ouija board, but Leeard has (Ern: “Ooooh scary.” Leeard: “Yes, maam”). Ern has done that Bloody Mary thing a thousand times, but no Bloody Mary ever shows up. Disappointing. We love this new bitch! It’s the next best thing to having Ali on the show, and we can’t since she’s dead/A. We also got to meet Alison’s father. He’s not a Hanna fan. Emily tries and fails to give Hot Black Guy the scoop on Creepy Jenna. Ugh, just spit it out, Emily!

Ted is dating Ella Montgomery instead of Ashley now, and they are not clicking. This just goes to show that sometimes a saint needs a sinner. For luuuuuuurve. (Those last sentences are what happens when Leeard goes out of town.) Coffee guy is HOT, Ella. Getcha some. Having Aria and Hanna sneak into the insane asylum was a thing of brilliance. Mona is so gorgeous. We couldn’t believe she escaped and all she did with her freedom was brush a doll’s face. At least you found your tweezers, Hanna. But then she revealed all sorts of awesome secret codes!! Spencer is such a good sister, saving Jason like that.

I think we’ve established in this post that Ern sucks with names. Leeard, come hoooooome.

Episode grade: B+

The Dark Knight Rises

First of all, don’t be afraid to go see this movie. You could die doing anything, at any time. You might as well be doing something cool, like seeing a Chris Nolan Batman movie. Besides, it’s highly unlikely that you will be. We should support it so that psychos everywhere know we aren’t driven by fear, and so that Mr. Orange Hair knows that he doesn’t have a whole lot of power over us.

The Dark Knight Rises is not as good as The Dark Knight, but that was a really high bar. Things in the beginning were choppy and disconnected, but it all came together so perfectly. It was dark, but infused with hope. The action and visuals were great. It has all the depth and grittiness we’ve come to expect from these Batman movies. The conclusion left us satisfied and knowing that there will never be three better Batmans than these. Taken together, they are perfect. The way this movie ends things fits with the themes, messages, and story arc started by Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. We've heard people complain, but we were pretty sure this movie was awesome.

Anne Hathaway surprised us by being an excellent Catwoman. Our concern was that Anne couldn’t pull off the sex appeal of the character. We were wrong. Anne was sexy without coming across as slutty. Her version of sexy was smart, manipulative, and confident. There were a few times when she would over-deliver a line with the sexiness, but overall, we loved her. We always complained that Chris Nolan was lousy at casting women, but maybe he’s broken the curse.

Tom Hardy’s Bane was appropriately terrifying most of the time, but we feel like they never did get the voice right. Some of his lines were unintentionally funny. Still, he did a good job. Marion Cotillard is the same as she always is (not bad at all). Christian Bale was good. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was good (and one of us didn’t really like him to begin with). Everyone was good.

There were a few surprises, plotwise, for us. We liked them though. The movie was nearly three hours long, but it was entertaining and intense the entire time. There was a little more emotion in this movie than there was in The Dark Knight, and it really worked for us. We would definitely see it again in theaters.

Sidenote: It’s hilarious that stupid Rush Limbaugh thinks Bane is a diss of Romney. Umm, isn’t Batman the billionaire? And we sort of thought if there was any political subtext, unintended or not, it was Republican. The rich, technology, cops, run-of-the mill courage, and normal society save the day, while the government of “the people,” environmentalist endeavors, and oppressed criminals don’t do so well.

Also, those who have seen the movie might have noticed that the themes of self-sacrifice, the significance of the “clean slate,” the "rising" stuff, and an important three-month time period are all things that mesh with Christianity and things conservatives like. Rush should be loving this movie, but he’s too dumb to notice when something is up his alley anymore. It’s attack first, watch later with this guy.

Movie Grade: A

Bunheads - Movie Truck

Okay, so. The first 57 minutes of the episode were actually pretty good. Michelle is being forced (by Fanny, who went on a surprise vacation and abandoned the studio) to teach dance classes. Progress! Truly basically makes Michelle and Talia bring her along for Michelle's birthday festivities. Michelle and Truly have the beginnings of a friendship. Progress! We finally see Ginny's boyfriend. Progress! Boo talks to Charlie, Melanie's brother, who she has a crush on and doesn't completely embarrass herself. Progress! Sasha's parents get into a huge fight and her dad possibly goes crazy. Or they're getting a divorce. Either way: Progress! There was a cupcake ATM. That's not progress, but it's awesome.

And then. And then, you guys. The last three minutes were Sasha and two random girls dancing. To "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by They Might Be Giants. Which is a great song, but that dance? I don't think words can accurately describe how weird it was. And, like, Sasha was singing along to parts? She's a great dancer, don't get me wrong. But there was no talking and she was dressed head to toe in a black onesie and it was just ... bizarre. And it's how the episode ended. I think it broke me?

If someone could confirm that dance actually happened, that would be great. I cannot find independent confirmation that it happened, and there are no images/gifs on tumblr of it, so I'm not 100% sure. If it's not on tumblr, it didn't happen.

Anyway, Episode Grade: I don't even know, I can't think right now. B?

Update

So, my big test is Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I am DONE with school (assuming I pass, and heck, I might). I'm pretty far into Supernatural and I've seen The Dark Knight Rises, and I can't wait to talk about them. We're both behind on our shows, but we catch up quick. The blog should be up and moving again shortly. We really do need both of us together to make any sort of post happen (one to start a draft and one to finish/edit/add stuff). We have a system and it takes two. Thanks for the patience and continued visits.
-Ern