Awkward- season 2, episodes 11-12

Episode 11, Once Upon a Blog, was a fantasy episode that stalled Jenna’s decision on the love triangle, but it had its amusing moments. For the record, Jenna’s do-over of the closet confrontation with Matty was perfect and totally what she should have done. “Sorry, I’m not sorry” is not as good as “you’re welcome,” but Jenna looked really pretty when she was “popular.” Episode grade: B-

What we really care about is the finale, The Other Shoe. Leeard didn’t like that Jenna picked Matty, but Ern did. Jenna pining for Jake at the end was unexpected. We thought she’d be pining for Matty after making a smarter choice (smarter on paper anyway). Ern likes the idea of Tamara and Jake together for a while. Not forever, but for a while. We’re pretty sure not many other people have that opinion. Leeard sure hates it. Leeard thought the first half of the finale was weird.

The tone of the episode was weird, and it was odd to not have Jenna in the middle of an awkward problem. For the record, if one of our kids wanted to stay home from Europe to be with her high school boyfriend, we would force her to go to Europe for her own good. It’s EUROPE. This was a good season. Not as good as season one, but it’s still a quality show, and we’re looking forward to season three. Episode grade: B+

Check out lead actress Ashley Rickards with blonde hair here. Ern kind of likes it and thinks it emphasizes how good looking Rickards really is. Ern isn't sure about the bangs though. Leeard does not approve of the color.

Parks and Recreation- Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

We can’t believe we’re in season five of this show. This is one that started out horribly, but then became one of the funniest, most character-driven shows on television. One of the things we like about it is that the female characters aren’t stereotypes. They are well-rounded, likeable, and funny women. Even better, Leslie has better hair this season. It’s a more natural look rather than that platinum color that really aged Amy Poehler. The season opened with Leslie and Andy visiting Ben in Washington D.C., as well as apply for a federal grant to clean up the Pawnee River. Andy points out that the Capitol looks like a boob.

Ron is left in charge of the parks department, so he has to organize a barbeque Leslie usually throws for employee appreciation. Ron becomes obsessed with the idea of teaching everyone how to truly appreciate meat. He brings a live, cute pig named “Tommy” to the barbeque and plans to butcher it in front of the kids. He writes his own permit. It’s a piece of paper that says, “I can do what I want.” Ha. Health codes have something different to say, so Ron has to go out for meat. The guests get hungry waiting, and Rob gets so annoyed that he drives away. Chris gives Ron a talk, and Ron makes things right.

We find out that Ann and Tom broke up a long time ago, but they are still living together and pretending to have a successful relationship. They want to prove the naysayers wrong and win a $1,000 bet with Donna. She lets them out of it. Thank GOD that relationship is over. It was a funny concept to have them hating each other, but in such a bad personal place that they would try that. But the joke has run its course. We loved Chris downing a box of “nature’s candy” (raisins) and Ann getting revenge on Tom for ruining all her clothes.

After Leslie’s grant request doesn’t go as planned, Ben takes her to a cocktail party where she can meet all the politicians. The whole thing just makes Leslie feel like a failure, even getting to meet heroes Olympia Snow and Barbara Boxer. She goes into a coat closet where John McCain tries to comfort her, but she doesn’t even turn around to see who he is. McCain is always good in cameos like this. He was funny on SNL. He’s a reliable comedy guest politician, natural and likeable. It’s always nice to see a Republican other than Arnold treated well on TV, if only for a change of pace. We were sad Leslie didn’t turn around and look at him. She would have been excited.

Leslie returns home, worried that Ben is going to prefer Hot Rebecca, an imaginary woman with all the qualities and tallness of most beautiful, capable D.C. women. Andy gives her a pep talk, and Leslie decides to clean the river herself. Gross. Overall, this was a decent premiere, but it wasn’t as funny as we are used to with this show. This is partly because a lot of it took place out of town. The gang works better together. It’s also partly because the show had to recap what everyone’s been doing this summer rather than get into any really funny situations. Still, we're glad this show is back. After the more-than-solid last two seasons, this one's not getting dropped.

Episode grade: B

Glee- Britney 2.0

By Heather_Morris_PaleyFest_11a.jpg: Jennifer Tse from Los Angeles, CA derivative work: Tabercil (Heather_Morris_PaleyFest_11a.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

What Happened: Coach Sylvester throws Brittany off the Cheerios when she finds out about Brittany’s grades. They set a poor example and are the reason she was held back this year. Brittany loses it, much like Britney Spears years ago, letting herself get to rock bottom so that she can make a comeback to normality like Spears. She nearly ruins the glee clubs reputation by having them all lip sync though. Trouty Mouth Sam gets her to finally drop the meltdown act and get back to her plans. Will and Emma are tutoring her every week to bring her grades up, and she is back on the Cheerios. Still, she misses Santana, who is too busy for Skype. Marley and Jake nearly get together, but it turns out he’s a player dating Kitty. Marley was warned by Unique, so she should have seen it coming?

Rachel and Kurt get a huge loft together, and Kurt tells Rachel that Cassie is known for losing it during a Broadway performance. A cell phone went off and she grabbed a baseball bat, going for the owner. After Cassie tells Rachel that she isn’t sexy, Rachel enlists all her new friends for a group dance that will prove her wrong. Cassie wasn’t impressed, so Rachel loses it and insults Cassie. Cassie throws Rachel out of her class. Rachel apologizes. Cassie tells Rachel that she’s hard on her students so that what happened to Cassie (buckling under pressure) won’t happen to the kids. Rachel is back in the class, but only because of school policy. Cassie doesn’t believe in second chances. It looks like she never got one. The hot guy brings Rachel an orchid and hits on her, but Rachel still loves Finn. Of course, the last scene, where she painted over his name on the wall, shows that she might be ready to move on.

What We Thought: Brittany’s Hold It Against Me was pretty good. We find that song boring, so we didn’t care if she butchered it. She didn’t, but we still don’t like the song. We loved all the Brittany jokes in this episode. They are what made this episode a little better than last week’s. The test where Brittany wrote “see other side” and drew a world without math was classic. We also laughed at how Becky spelled her name “Bocky.” We saw two alums, Santana and Puck. This is exactly how all those old students should be used. They should pop in when it makes sense. We like that Puck’s speech got rid of his brother’s bad attitude, but it was kind of a bad, crazy speech that really wouldn’t convince anyone of anything in real life. They looked like brothers though.

Rachel’s plot was the weak point. Oh great, Rachel’s sex appeal is called into question, so we get yet another opportunity for Lea Michele to prove she’s sexy. Any feud that ends in some kind of pathetic, attention-seeking dance off failed to bring it, unless it’s in West Side Story. This episode “treated” us to more Artie rapping in a mash-up of Boys and Boyfriend. Even though Blaine assisted, that number was painful. The second worst song was Womanizer. Not because it was bad in itself, but because it didn’t compare well to the Britney version. Britney has a crappy voice. If this glee club can’t improve on the originals, we don’t know what to tell them.

We loved Cassie’s youtube video. Kate Hudson does “insane” as well as she does “sweet” in those romantic comedies. She was excellent in Almost Famous. We wish she’d pick better movies and parts, because she doesn’t suck at all. We’re also into Tina’s highlights. Ern wants them; Leeard isn’t sure they will look good on Ern. By now we were thinking that there were too many songs in this episode. It was starting to feel choppy. Then a song that made the choppiness worth it came up. By far the best song in the episode was 3 by Tina, Sam, and Joe, THE SCHOOL CHRISTIAN. He must have been too dumb to listen to the words. The cover really improved on the original though, and it’s just the kind of thing they should have Tina singing.

We need to know more about Marley before they put her in a romance. All we know is that she’s sweet, thin, pretty, and she has a large mom. Yeah right  would she be that thin with that large of a mom. Marley is the most naturally thin girl in the show’s history. Not that it’s full of chubby girls at all. Marley’s just really tiny. The mashup of Aerosmith’s Crazy and Brit’s (You Drive Me) Crazy was pretty and our third favorite song of the night. We like Marley’s voice better than Jake’s, but they are both nice voices that go well together. Lots of people are hating on Marley for her headpieces, but we like them. It’s just the sort of awkward attempt at a style that a high school girl would try. It’s endearing. Her version of “Everytime” was pretty and the words fit the plot. Marley could annunciate enough that now we know what that song is about. Yay!

Rachel sounded great on Oops I Did It Again, making it our second-favorite cover, but the other dancers were sexier. What did she think she was a gonna get from Cassie? An “I was wrong?” She was rude at the end. We were horrified. If they are going to dedicate half the show to Rachel, it’s time for her to stop being such a freaking idiot. It was good of her to apologize though. We want her with the new guy. We stopped caring about Finn sometime in the beginning of last season. Gimme More was funny. We like the way this episode covered more of the trainwreck Britney Spears who was going through a hard time, whereas the first Britney episode mostly worshipped her and ignored that part. We thought Mr. Schu learned his lesson about oversexualized high school performances during the Rocky Horror episode. All-in-all, there were some goods songs, it wasn’t boring, and there was some good humor.

Episode grade: B+

The New Normal- Baby Clothes

Pic By Nick Step (http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickstep/5923245617/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

This episode needed to move forward from establishing premise and message. It didn’t. We feel like this show would be a better movie. Where are they going from here? At some point, won’t they repeat all the jokes? We liked the pilot because it was funny and entertaining, but since then, we’ve been getting bored watching this “controversial” show do all the things that better shows have done before it. What this show is doing is not completely working. It belongs on televisions ten years ago. 

This week, Bryan bought Shania a shirt that showed her stomach, so a boy in her school took notice of her. Grandma found them making out in a closet and raised hell. She got the boy’s parent to talk to him about sex, and she got Goldie to realize that she needed to protect her daughter’s innocence. Bryan bought clothes for the baby, but David wanted to wait to do that until all the tests were in and they were sure the baby would be healthy and brought to term. Finally, he caved.

Also, a mean man in a fanny pack started berating David and Bryan for being gay in public. David and Goldie ignored it, and Bryan yelled back with some pretty good comebacks. At the gym, David cracked and punched a fellow gay guy for making fun of a mentally retarded person who turned out to be a bigot himself. Jeez! People are NOT that mean outside of a frat house or high school football team, are they? The most homophobic person we know is still nice and friendly to gay people’s faces. We know there are some real jerks, but they aren’t around every corner like in this show. Right?

The only thing we loved was the fact that Bryan confronted the bigot in a frog hat. We want one of those hats. We also liked that the grandma was right about something, for once, and that she’s seemed to have thawed a little toward the boys. If we were David, we wouldn’t have had the clothes taken back. Keep them boxed up and store them until the day comes. 

There weren’t that many good one-liners in the episode. The episode seemed to be telling us that ignoring hate isn’t good enough. We think it’s the best option. What do they want? Rules against it in local gyms? Actually, that’s not a bad idea. And we agree that you should stand up for your friends when you see hicks hating on them. But really, there’s not much else you can do. At this point, we only love Shania and the actor playing Bryan.

The show had its protagonist defend a mentally retarded person from being made fun of…after the show made fun of the mentally retarded person. Yep, that’s how you know it’s the same creator who did Glee. Redheads, babies with Downs, babies with defects, CNN anchors, people with tattoos, and people who take the bus are also targets for this show’s jokes. We like the lack of political correctness, but on a show that preaches political correctness for one group, it doesn’t fit.

Also, the tone was really uneven. Post-Modern Family. Will and Grace, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, this show isn't needed. What would better serve gay people are shows like Grey's Anatomy grafting in gay characters who are just normal people who love each other, rather than stereotypes. You can't hate Callie and Arizona. You just can't. Also, movies like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang having gay men who are just a lot of straight men. It needs to be not a big deal. It needs to actually be treated as the new normal, emphasis on the normal. Also, these mainstream shows reach your audience that needs to be softened. The New Normal preaches to the choir. 

Ryan Murphy is stuck in the past. He needs to focus on projects like American Horror Story. We love when his shows get preachy about beauty and that industry. That's the issue that's still an issue in the media. The media is defending gay people right and left. The first season of Murphy's Nip/Tuck made Ern not ever want to have plastic surgery. She was a teen when she watched it. That's a good job well done, making a teenage girl go, "Oh...looks really aren't that important." Don't worry Ryan, if we ever meet the fanny pack-wearing dude who hurt your feelings, we'll punch him for you. 

We don't see things changing, so we are nixing this show from our schedules. We've replaced it with the upcoming Chicago Fire for now.

Episode grade: D

Popular Music- 9/19/12

An orchestra and choir covered Call Me Maybe. We think they improved on it.

Kanye West released an album called Kanye West Presents Good Music Cruel Summer where he teams up with big name guests on every track. We have to admit we like the first single, Mercy. 1. Sure, it’s a song about a woman who is “thirsty” for a celebrity’s penis and crawls into his limo to cheat on her boyfriend, but it’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, Mercy is the standout, and you’ve already heard it if you have a radio. “To the World” with R. Kelly is alright because Kelly can actually sing. Otherwise, there’s lots of that autotuned singing we hate. Kanye gets political (and inaccurate) in places, but no one cares. These songs are about the beat, not the arrogant, vapid lyrics.

Grizzly Bear has a new album, Shields, and while they are a good band with songs that are good to chill to, they kind of bore us. We’re not hipsters. Still, we have admit this is a musically good album, even if it’s not our taste. Ben Folds Five’s new album, The Sound of the Life of the Mind, is a lot more fun than its pretentious name would suggest. The mostly piano-driven songs are upbeat, quirky, and what you would expect from these guys. Fans should be pleased. There are only ten songs though, and there isn’t one that we can see getting addicted to. The biggest pop release is either The Truth of Love by Pink or Carly Rae Jepsen’s album. We’ll start with Pink’s. First off, if you want this CD, get it on amazon’s mp3 store. It’s only $5. It doesn’t have two tracks that the iTunes deluxe album does, but you’re still saving money even if you have to buy those separately. It’s a very modern, beat-driven CD. Pink knows how to make and sing hits. We like her first single, Blow Me (One Last Kiss).

We appreciated that there were some mature lyrics about love and life on here. We hate when singers grow up, get married, and get pregnant and still write songs as if none of that happened, trying to stay young no matter how dumb they look (Madonna, Christina Aguilera’s last CD). We liked the way she sounded with that dude from fun.. Too bad we didn’t love the song. Pink has a great voice, and she sounds better than ever here. It’s like her range has increased. Shockingly, we liked Slut Like You. It was hilarious and well-delivered by Pink. It wasn’t judgmental like it sounds either. We also like that the “slut” in the song was a guy. There’s a lot of variety on this CD, but nothing as good as F***in Perfect. There aren’t a lot of slow songs, which is a shame, because we love her voice on ballads.

Carly Rae Jepsen’s Kiss has a whopping 16 songs on the deluxe version, including the “song of the summer,” Call Me Maybe. Carly has one of those cutesy little voices that’s not really bad, but not that memorable either. It’s like if Taylor Swift could actually sing and wasn’t country. Oh, wait, she’s not anymore. Carly doing a duet with Justin Bieber was a stroke of genius, sure to please all their mutual fans. We feel like there would be a lot of overlap. Still, it sounds like a Colbie Callait song, but not in a good way. We’re unimpressed with the second single, This Kiss, but we kind of like Good Time. It’s a song we’ll get sick of soon, but it’s not the most annoying thing on the radio right now. The rest of the album is bubble gum, pretty, dull filler. This girl is about the singles, nothing more. This stuff is mostly annoying to us.

We forgot that Nelly Furtado was putting out a new album, but we liked a lot of the songs on Loose, so we were excited. Her new release, The Spirit Indestructible, disappointed though. On the first three tracks, Nelly sounded annoying and nasal. That’s some thin vocal delivery. It’s like a whiny 12-year-old learned how to belt. We can’t believe it’s her. Later, things improved. The CD had tons of variety. Sadly, we didn’t end up liking any of the songs. Third Day is a Christian band best known for its amazing song Show Me Your Glory. Their new single, I Need a Miracle, is no Show Me Your Glory.

The Killers FINALLY have a new album, Battle Born. Flesh and Bone is a good opener, and it’s possibly our favorite song on the CD. Runaways could have used a tighter melody. Here With Me had a good, controlled melody. We don’t like when The Killers sound like they are all over the place, because it keeps the songs from being catchy enough to remember. Some parts of the album reminded us just a little of classic rock. We liked the dramatic The Rising Tide, the value-filled Be Still, and the title track.

Overall, the album was joyful, uplifting, and well-made, containing good, thoughtful lyrics. However, a hit single like Mr. Brightside was nowhere to be found. But, then again, this band has changed a lot since then. It’s going from catchy, energetic songs about romance to soaring songs about spirituality and everyday struggle. Whether you like that is up to you.

Go Radio released a CD called Close the Distance. It’s a shame they have their lead singer because his voice is generic and sounds just like every alternative guy on the radio. Their songs aren’t bad, especially Baltimore and Collide. Matchbox Twenty released North. We didn’t like the first single, She’s So Mean. It wasn’t anything we ever wanted to hear again, and calling people mean is mean. The rest of the album is good though, if you like them. We think they’re okay. Christina Aguilera is clearly reaching for the top of the charts with her single Your Body. We think she’s belting too hard in it. She actually has a really pretty voice…not that you can tell from this song and her last album. This isn’t the kind of thing we want to hear from her. The verses are catchy. The chorus is hideous. We think she should stop trying to be number one, bringing the sex pot thing, and just make good music, like Back to Basics.

Missy Elliot also released two singles, 9^th Inning and Triple Threat, both featuring Timbaland. We welcome this because Nicki Minaj needs some competition. Missy’s a pretty good female rapper. We liked all the piano and we’re glad she’s back, but we can’t say we loved either of these songs. There was too much Timbaland. Speaking of Nicki Minaj…Her new song The Boys, featuring Cassie sucks. Another woman coming onto the scene is Lindsey Stirling, a really talented violinist who makes electronic music. Her self-titled album dropped this week. That’s not our favorite genre at all, but we gave this a chance, and it’s interesting. If you love strings, you’ll like this. We prefer songs with verses, choruses, and people singing, but we wouldn’t complain if you turned this on.

So yeah. The Killers win this week. If we missed anything good, please let us know. We love music and we buy it all the time. 

Parenthood- Left Field

By Thomas Attila Lewis at http://www.flickr.com/photos/tomdog (Monica Potter) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

With an episode title like that, you know there's either going to be a shocker or someone is going to be playing baseball. This isn't really a sports show. 

Crosby and Jasmine are having sex on the kitchen floor, so Crosby pities Adam for having to schedule sex. But when things get disorganized between Crosby and Jasmine, he realizes that he needs more structure. Kristina and Max want a dog, but Adam is hesitant. Sarah’s son, WHOSE NAME WE CAN NEVER REMEMBER, even though we’ve been watching this show for three years, is starting his senior year of high school. But then his girlfriend, Amy, breaks up with him and calls him “Drew,” so we’re going with that. Poor Drew. Ray Romano’s Hank manages to comfort him.

Victor doesn’t want to go to school, so he plays sick. On the third day, Julia promises to sit in the car outside the school, all day, in case he needs her. She does. It’s incredibly sweet and earns her a kiss from Joel. The shocker at the end was Kristina’s apparent breast cancer diagnosis. We don’t know what stage she’s at or how bad it is, but she was crying. Which means almost nothing because Kristina is always crying.

We loved when Crosby played “Funkytown” and when Sarah said, “Gross, Dad. Why does knowledge have boobs?” We guess we know how the show is going to handle the Haddie situation. When she’s at college, she will stay mostly offscreen. Maybe there will be a scene or two if her parents call her, but she was completely absent in this episode. We’re sure she’ll fly down a few times to be with her mom and we will see her over winter break and possibly the summer.

Drew and Amy were too perfect. It was time for them to split up. Drew always seems to have this wet blanket, boring, bad attitude, so we were glad when he joked with Sarah. Of course, it was jokes about suicide, but we’ll take whatever personality we can get with this kid. The only person on this show that we dislike more than Drew is Zeke. Crosby comes in at third for our wrath. Max needs to learn not to throw fits and shout over people. We know he has Asperger’s, but we don’t ever see his parents trying to discipline him into just basic obedience. Asperger’s affects social skills. Not obedience, punishment, and reward.

This episode changed the game plan for the season. Kristina’s cancer is no doubt going to be handled well by the show, but we’re expecting lots of rough scenes. It’s going to be super awkward when Max tries to comfort his mom, and watching Adam go through this is going to be tear jerking. This show can get REAL real. Hey, at least their new puppy is cute. Maybe this episode should have been the premiere with an added scene of  Haddie leaving for college. It was more eventful and gave us a sense of what's going to happen on the show this year. 

Episode grade: B+

Weeds Series Finale- It's Time

Gage Skidmore [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Of course, the series ends with the original version of Little Boxes. We’re glad. Whoa! There’s been a major time jump. Nancy is a rich owner of several stores. She married the rabbi, but he died. She has new hair, and we kind of like it. It’s not her best hair, but it’s a fun summer thing. Stevie is in middle school (even though he looks 18), he’s just as contrary as Silas, and he’s into soccer. Zombies worship Uncle Doug/he’s a guru. Silas has a horrible goatee that completely freaking ruins him, but he’s married to Megan and they have a baby girl. They are visiting Nancy for Stevie’s Bar Mitzvah, and Megan resents Nancy for how Silas spent his youth. Also, marijuana cigarettes are now legal.

Tim works for Nancy. We love that so much. Very funny, show. Nancy sure isn’t a grudge holder, for all her faults. The only thing worse than Silas’s goatee is Shane’s mustache. He’s still hanging around with Mitch the cop, and Mitch seems like even more of a scumbag than he was last time we saw him. Shane’s an addict. Andy doesn’t talk to Nancy, but Nancy really wants to talk to him. Stevie wants to attend boarding school. Smart kid. Jill is living in India, so she’s GONE, thank God. Conrad is married, and his wife is pregnant with twins. We got to see a few more characters from the past attending the Bar Mitzvah. Nancy’s red dress was cute and age appropriate. Loved it.

Guillermo tells adorable Stevie that his dad was a gangster. We loved when Nancy took Shane back from Mitch. Doug kidnaps his son, Josh, twice in order to make up with him. Whatever. How many episodes was Josh in previously? One? Two? Did we REALLY need something sweet to happen to Doug? We don’t remember Josh very well, and we don’t care, even if it is Justin Chatwin. His dog is cute. Nancy takes Josh in and offers him some ostrich kabobs. We love Rich Nancy. Silas tells Nancy that Andy has a three-year-old daughter with a truly awful last name. His mother is Annika, a waitress Andy slept with. They are still friends. We love the name Annika. Andy shows up the next morning. He is friendly, happy, and making breakfast. He’s talking to Nancy, but not really looking directly at her.

Stevie seems pretty cool. We liked his speech at the temple. He’s honest. Nancy brings the fashion again with the great black dress. We liked how she handles Stevie and Shane, and how Stevie went through with the rest of the party. Man, that was a nicer Bar Mitzvah than most weddings. It seems like Nancy actually has a good relationship with her sons. Nancy’s finale dress was too slutty. Still cute though, and she has the body for it. We liked that Nancy loves Andy more than all her money and new power. It’s a good thing Mary Louise can show emotion so well through her voice, because that botox has frozen her face so much that it was distracting us during her sad scene with Andy. We like that he knows Nancy is bad for him and stuck with his guns.

This season wasn’t as bad as the last one. The show didn’t embarrass itself going out. It wasn’t good, but it was respectable, and we’re glad it’s over. The finale hit mostly wrong notes. It was a heartfelt, happy ending where Nancy ended up with everything. It’s not like we were emotionally invested in these messed-up characters by this point. The great thing about Weeds in the past was that it was funny. The finale should have had more humor, less 7^th Heaven reconciliation. It’s unrealistic that after everything that went down, everyone turned out so well. Yeah, Nancy was left alone, but she doesn’t deserve to have her family with her at all. This is as perfect as it could get for her. Also, the finale was a little dull and long. It was missing Celia Hodes. We will also be forever disappointed that Esteban was really dead.

If you want to start watching this show, we suggest you end at season three, unless you really love it and want to see what happens.

Season grade: B-

Finale grade: C

Revolution- Pilot

By Genevieve719 (Flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

The new nerd fare this season is Revolution. We love us some nerd fare, so we were rooting for this show, but our hopes for stuff like this are down. We like the premise of this show. Isnt this what was supposed to happen with Y2K? One of our dads was SUPER prepared for that. We’re talking warehouse full of freeze-dried food, boat, and guns. Hilarious. We figured people would be able to make some kind of generator or water wheel to get power going again, but the show will explain that away by saying, “the laws of physics have changed.” Suspend belief, people.

So, the show. Elizabeth Mitchell is a good sign. Apparently, she’s dead, but we wouldn’t mind if it turned out she wasn’t. We like that it’s not a dark show. We wouldn’t call it “gritty,” and it doesn’t carry the hopelessness of other post-apocalyptic shows, like The Walking Dead. We also like that it’s not as cheesy as Terra Nova. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into a similar “family show.” Sci-fi should not be for the whole family. It should be for adults if it wants to survive. Once Upon a Time took the family spot and is doing well with it.

In the first scene, we see a man named Ben and his wife living in Chicago. They have a young son named Danny and an older daughter, Charlie. Ben realizes “it’s about to happen” and calls his brother, Miles, just before the power goes out for good. If that happened, we would immediately run to the grocery store with a pick-up truck and start loading in food cans. Weapons would be next. Fifteen years later, Ben’s wife is dead and his new girlfriend, Maggie, is the town doctor. Oh yeah, the town. Ben is seemingly the leader of a little settlement where they grow lots of corn, and catalogue model Katniss-esque tomboy Charlie is supposed to watch over her asthmatic little brother, who does something stupid within the first 15 minutes.

A militia containing Gustavo Fring rides into town to take Ben away and find out where his brother Miles is. Danny interferes and Ben is killed. Danny is kidnapped. Charlie was chilling in the woods by herself the whole time. Gus Fring works for the militia’s leader, General Monroe, a power-hungry guy looking for a way to get technology back so that he can monopolize it. Charlie sets out to find her uncle with Maggie and a pudgy, nerdy guy named Aaron. Aaron has the necklace thing that Ben gave him, and it’s probably the key to turning the power back on.

On the way, they are attacked by rapists, but Maggie poisons them (we love her already), and a mysterious, hot archer shoots one off of Charlie. Charlie trusts him and lets him join their band. They make it to a hotel in Chicago where they find Miles, who refuses to go with them to get Danny. Mysterious Archer Guy betrays them and leads the militia to Miles. Miles kills almost all of the baddies, and Charlie comes back at the last second to help. Mysterious Archer Guy intentionally fails to kill Charlie. He has a crush. Miles goes with Charlie and the others. At the end, we find out that Monroe used to be Miles’s Marine buddy. Also, Ben isn’t the only one with a necklace giving the ability to turn on the power.

We’re not impressed with Charlie’s acting, especially when she was crying to her uncle. She’s lucky to have those eyes though. Her pupils always seem dilated. It’s weird that her eyes were kind of green when she was a kid and blue as an adult. We like that Charlie open-minded and trusting, and that the paranoia she was raised with didn’t completely brainwash her. Yeah, it’s going to get her in trouble, but it gives her a soft side. We like that her father saw her as the more capable child. Even though he wasn’t on the show long, Ben treated Charlie convincingly, like a father would really treat his oldest. At least they aren’t trying to pass Charlie off as 16. If her brother is 19, she’s got to be around 24 or 25.

Miles is a dick, but he's bad ass. We liked the big action scene near the end. We were surprised and grateful that Danny escaped for a while. It led to interesting things (the woman with power), and it kind of redeemed him a little. He’s not completely useless. When we saw Gus Fring, we wondered who on Earth could be even scarier than him, since he’s not the boss. Monroe is. We wouldn’t say Monroe is scarier yet. We haven’t seen much of him. He hardly utters a word. He’s really damn hot though. We’re going to keep watching this show, for now. We aren’t blown away, but we were entertained and we would call this a solid beginning. We don’t know where the show intends to go from here, but the first chapter was more than promising. It has to stay quality for about five episodes in order for us to really trust it though. We’ve been burned by sci-fi...and JJ Abrams...before.

Episode grade: B+

Downton Abbey- Series 3, episode 1

By RedAmarilla (Flickr: National Television Awards 2012) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

This show airs later in the U.S., but it’s on British TVs now, which means that it’s on the internet and we can find it. Joy! We’re so glad this show is back, but the premiere wasn’t as eventful or exciting as we wanted it to be. Sure, the last two amazing episodes were the finale and Christmas special, but isn’t the first episode of a new season supposed to be just as good as those?

Mary is so proper and socially savvy. We love her. She’s smart, spirited, and she loves her family. She’s not a flat character, nor is she perfect. She’s the sort of female character we wish we’d see more on American TV. We liked that she stayed in touch with Sybil and is still protective of her. Even though she couldn’t have approved, you couldn’t detect a hint of judgment from her last night. One of us doesn’t think Mary is pretty. Just thin. It might be that her eyebrow shape isn’t the best possible choice. Sybil is the prettiest. Edith…poor Edith. We hope she finds someone better than the old dude.

Sorry, but we don’t care about Bates and Anna. We’re sad to say that if he were hot, we might care more. Still, we like that people are making “Free Bates” t-shirts. Lol. The big development is that Lord Grantham unwisely and against advice invested Cora’s fortune and lost it all?!! There’s no way he can lose Downton Abbey though. The show is called Downton Abbey! Cora took the news well. Too bad her husband macked on that maid last season. Ugh, we hated that so much.

We were Team Matthew in the fight. We get that Mary thought of it as a betrayal of her family, but it was for his integrity. When you marry someone, you have to take their side over your family’s. People were really mean to the new guy, Alfred. He’s kind of “meh,” but we hope the show figures out something interesting to do with him. We don’t think the show has had something interesting to do with Thomas in a while.

We figured since the Mary/Matthew relationship is the heart of the show, there was no way they could actually go through with the wedding. But we were wrong! Mary’s wedding attire was perfect, but the best fashion moment was Sybil’s cute short haircut. Matthew continues to be perfect. We liked when he stood up for Branson and made him the best man. We also like that Sybil is sticking by Branson. If our husbands looked like that, we wouldn’t care at all if our families didn’t like him. He does need to stop talking about Ireland though…He could try to make things easier, in general.

Episode grade: B-

The Big C - season three

Season three continued season two’s trend of being way less depressing than the first season. We approve. When the season started, we were like, “What?!! Paul’s not dead? Ugh.” We never really liked him and we always love when Kathy flirts with someone new. Cathy is looking gooood this season. Please, God, let us look like Laura Linney when we are 48. Or Ern’s 48-year-old mom. That’d be good too. Lucky bitches. We liked when Paul shocked his heart for the first time though, and we guess it would have been too much of a bummer if Cathy and Adam spent the season dealing with major grief over to Paul’s death. The third season started out happily. We teared up in the first episode when Cathy got the news that her tumors were shrinking and some were gone.

We’ve always dreamed of finding a bar with cool strangers who just want to hang out (as opposed to the creepers who want to hit on us and the people who just keep to themselves). We loved the black Jesus picture on Andrea's wall. We like that she is still on the show, but we figured she had to stop with the Ababu stuff right away.  We completely forgot about the affairs Paul and Cathy had. This show is entertaining, but it’s not easy to remember what happens on it year-to-year. We’d like to see Paul’s blog to recap.

We love that Adam was acting like a real human in the first episode, but he was soon back to his angry, cold self. We were only on his side when his mom got drunk and confessed all her secrets in front of Adam’s classmates. At first, we enjoyed that Adam’s Bible group was down-to-Earth and not the usual cliché attack on religious teens. We kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and the kids to end up crazy, because most TV Christians do, and of course it happened. The Big C stole the Christian anal sex bit from Awkward. As far as we know, that’s not what Christian girls do when they are saving their hymens. If they were going to be that technical, they’d just stick with oral. But it’s actually possible to not have sex and just turn a guy down. Blue balls don’t kill them.

And the implication that religion beliefs aren’t smart? Ugh, tell that to every intelligent religious person who ever lived. There are a lot. If you require a list, we’ll give it to you, but wow, you shouldn’t require one. What, does TV think that it can make religion seem deeply uncool and then everyone will stop believing in God? Whatever. If it were any other religion, group, or culture, it wouldn’t be attacked like this. You know that we’re not just defending Christianity because that’s closest to our own beliefs. We’ve defended other groups on here. You get unfairly attacked, you get defended on this blog. That’s the way it is.

This is the season where Cathy acted super crazy. We loved it, but we were irritated with her at the same time. Her alter ego, Alexis, was great, down to the tattoo (hating tattoos is "provincial" haha). Cathy also tagged the living room, decided to adopt a kid, posed as a stewardess, pretended to take pilot lessons, and stole stationary from her doctor. Shawn is always a show highlight, and this season is no exception. He gets two jobs, one as a gay phone sex operator and the other as a school janitor. We ship him and Andrea. Does anyone else?

Seeing Susan Sarandon as a guru was a real treat, even if she overstayed her welcome a little with her gross, judgmental, flaky character. Why on Earth would she ever want to have sex with Paul? GROSS. We also liked Victor Garber as the gay phone sex operator Shawn supplanted. Why is he always gay on Showtime? Hahaha. Shawn is the superior operator. It’s all about being shameless.

The adoption storyline came out of left field for us. Yeah, they need another baby. /sarcasm. Because Adam turned out to be such a GEM. It’s a bad idea, and it’s not about a baby. Cathy feels like if she has a baby, she has to be alive to raise it. A tad selfish, but understandable. At least it brought us Meryl Streep’s daughter who we loved on Off the Map. We liked it a lot better than the plotline where Paul rubbed noses with famous people. Paul’s foray into motivational speaking was painful to watch. He’s good when he’s real though. That whole plotline just made this feel like a different, quirkier show, and we liked the show’s tone the way it was.

Another good guest star was Brian D’Arcy James from Broadway and Smash as the gay guy who comes to meet Shawn. We still haven’t gotten to hear him sing on TV though and WHY ELSE would you have him? It’s not like he’s hot. It’s the voice that makes him, not the Devil’s threesome abilities. Throuples are going to be the new thing. That was hilarious.

We can’t believe Adam pissed all over the storage locker gifts. That was the best part of season one and it made us cry hard. Adam has TAINTED it. Despite hating him, we were embarrassed for Adam when his mother stole the car. We loved when she stole the car though. So many mixed feelings! We started suspecting baby-daddy Dave was trying to leech money from Cathy in the seventh episode, but we had no idea that Maxine wasn’t actually pregnant. So wrong! Someone should have told them, like Andrea said, “You don’t want to get on the wrong side of Mrs. J.” The Big C ripped off more teen entertainment by having Susan Sarandon get hit by a bus, like Regina George before her. Thank God though. It was time.

We didn’t feel bad for Paul at all when he discovered the bar. We get it. Cathy needs it. Hell, WE need something like that, and we aren’t even dying of cancer. We usually hate when TV shows have their finales set on vacation, because it feels lazy and hardly ever drives the plot. But this wasn’t lazy at all. We liked that Andrea realized her name and new identity were stupid. We loved when Cathy realized that she was unhappy. We hope she ditches Paul and her son completely and finds some peace before she dies. The Angel boat stuff was cute. We were shocked when she swam back to him. What does she think she’s going to do? We guess we’ll see next year.

Season grade: B+

Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey, final post/review of entire book

I finished 50 Shades of Grey. Well, I got to about 68% on my kindle, and then I sped-read the rest of it, stopping to get the gist of every sex scene and reading mostly the conversations, skimming the awful prose. I just couldn’t read it normally or I never would have finished it. I have other things I want to read and this was taking too long. I hated this book more than I ever could have imagined hating it. I thought I would get a kick out of the sex, but even that was mundane. I’ve had crazier/sexier DREAMS than that. And no, I’m not sharing. Or maybe I should…I might have the next bestseller. A plot never really emerged, other than, “Will Ana have kinky sex will this billionaire? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.”

Ana had no self-respect. That was the worst thing about it. I’m so sick of girls dissing themselves and their looks, digging for affirmation, and thinking it’s humble and likeable to always be down on yourself. It isn’t. It’s still self-absorbed/prideful. It’s just pathetic as well. That goes out to nearly everyone on Tumblr. I loved Kate. I wish the book had been about her. Plot: Kate’s roommate, Ana, is getting into an unhealthy relationship. Kate can’t talk sense into her, so she concocts an elaborate, evil plan to take the billionaire down and sabotage his relationship. Hilarity ensues. Now THAT I would read. In real life, Kate would lose Ana. People almost always pick their lovers over well-meaning friends and family who don’t approve of them. It’s best to just keep your mouth shut until people wake up and smell the coffee.

The descriptions are the worst thing about the book. I’ve never seen more laughable descriptions in my life. The BDSM was tame. There was nothing shocking about the sex in the book. Sorry. Your average episode of Sex and the City brought up more about sex and power in relationships. I have no problem, personally, with that kind of sex at all. I have a problem with Ana having no self respect, Christian being controlling and protective, Christian dictating every facet of Ana’s life, and Christian demanding an overall attitude of submission even when they aren’t in the bedroom. The book could leave you feeling depressed, hating women, hating men, hating society, and hating reading in general.

I was looking up what real BDSM enjoyers say about the book. The consensus is that it’s not representative of the relationships they have. They deem this relationship abusive. In this awesome article, Sophie Morgan says, “For me, the book is as much a fetishisation of capitalism as it is a discourse on BDSM. Christian Grey may be a stalkerish sort with epic amounts of emotional baggage, but the accoutrements of wealth he offers – designer labels, helicopters and expensive gifts – are deemed enough that our virginal heroine should stick with him, endure his peccadilloes and keep trying to change him. It's very much focused on ending up married and settled and financially secure – Mills & Boon with butt plugs.” It’s true. Ana didn’t want this kind of sex. She just wanted him. Sure, some of it turned her on. But a lot of it was pushed on her when she wasn’t comfortable with it yet.

It kind of bored me too. It was REALLY repetitive, and it was hard to get through and easy to put down. I’d read a scene then put it down. I’d read another scene. Then a week would go by before I’d read another scene. Fans call it an “easy read.” Well, maybe the prose was easy to understand, but that doesn’t make something easy to read. The idea that freedom and choice is a burden too heavy and onerous for women to bear was offensive. Defenders of the book say, “But without all the smut, it’s a great story. It’s a love story!” They say this with a straight face. The story is stupider than the smut! We are so messed up and secretive about sex in this society that we can’t distinguish what’s the abusive part of this story. It’s not the type of sex that’s abusive - that was consensual and honest. It was the relationship that was twisted and unhealthy.

I wonder…and would like to discuss with anyone who thinks they know…what it is that women these days see in this sort of relationship. Twilight was a hit for a lot of the same reasons. Take out the kink and it’s the same relationship: control, protectiveness, loss of free will, no self-respect, irrational “humility,” and leaving your life for a beautiful guy who has everything. Why is regressing back to inequality such a fantasy that it’s taking literature by storm? What is it about society and women today? Is it that men are such metros and we want someone strong? A protector? Security? I think a lot of it is the desire to feel wanted and lovely. Christian Grey and Edward Cullen both gush to their women about how perfect they are and desire them fiercely. They lavish them with gifts. That’s probably a lot of it and that’s sad. Call me crazy, but when you look to men alone to provide you with a feeling of being beautiful and worthwhile, as well as security, that’s a scary place to be. I hope we get out of it.

Maybe it’s sheltered women fascinated with the idea of something besides “vanilla” sex. For the “mommies” who love this “mommy porn,” maybe this is their first introduction to BDSM and that thrills them. I read my first book with BDSM scenes at 13. And yeah, I was fascinated. I agree that this is too young to be reading stuff like this though, and in all fairness at least my teen book choices had plot/action/good characters, unlike this. I’m not reading the next one. I don’t know why I read this one in the first place. I deserve to suffer for even buying it. Sadly, I bought it on Kindle so I can’t even recycle it for toilet paper. I feel like I know what happens: Ana wallows in near-suicidal grief over her breakup until they get back together. Then she teaches him how to really love and treat her. She gives him a real heart. Yep. Because this is all fantasy, no reality, no truth.

Book grade: F-

Glee- The New Rachel

By vagueonthehow from Tadcaster, York, England (Chris Colfer & Lea Michele) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Glee eschews the crazy in favor of the sweet. We approve! Even though Rachel is in the school of her dreams with beauty, talent, a bright future, residence in one of the coolest cities in the world, and a cute new wardrobe, she is miserable. We hate you, Rachel. She’s upset because Finn hasn’t talked to her for two months. Yeah, he’s in the army, but come on, girl. If you haven’t heard from him in two months, you should forget him. Rachel is also disturbed by being constantly sexiled by her roommate who has more than a few notches in her belt. Having sex in a shared room while your roommate is trying to sleep is the ultimate in bad taste.

The worst thing about Rachel’s new life is her dance teacher, Cassie, played by Kate Hudson. Cassie’s personality is even worse than Rachel’s little-girl ballet skirts, but her introduction scene was a nice way to open the season. We like that she calls Rachel “David Schwimmer.” We wish Rachel would take off her version of the Sex and the City “Carrie” necklace. Is that a nod to the HBO show? We get it. Rachel is in New York. That doesn’t make her Carrie. Rachel met a new hot guy with the perfect torso. She heard him singing in the shower. Ern, however, did NOT hear him singing because her dad blundered out of his room and started singing along.

Kate Hudson’s mashup was forgettable, but her performance wasn’t. The Spanish pronunciation wasn’t great, but she sure has charisma. She really put Rachel in her place with that dancing??? She hasn’t heard Rachel sing yet. Whoopi Goldberg is back! Yay! The Freshman Reaping was a good scene. Ave Maria wasn’t good, but we can’t believe that girl got thrown out of the school! What is she going to do now?!! What about her lease in New York where she’s living?! What about all the money she’s invested? Losing a semester? We’re having a meltdown for this two-second character. When Rachel saw Kurt, we were touched and excited for her. He should have given her a heads up that he was coming to squat though.

Back at McKinley, Artie is still on the show and Sue had her ridiculous baby. Ugh. Artie is nominated to pick the “new Rachel,” since “Rachel was the undisputed star.” WHAT?!! They hardly let that girl sing at all last year. We know, because our iPods were particularly empty during season three. They held a little sing-off of Call Me Maybe. The cover was cute and didn’t make our ears hurt. We don’t think it needed to be covered though. We like that most of the characters aren’t regulars anymore. This show had too many characters. Yeah, we aren’t left with most of our faves, but at least the show has a core three dozen to focus on. Of Tina, Blaine, Brittany, and Unique, the new lead should be Tina. But we’re not super impressed with any of them. We’d pick Blaine, but the show autotunes him too hard.

New characters, new characters… So, Glee took the worst person ever on The Glee Project (and that’s saying a lot) and gave him a lead role. Alex was hated by literally every person except Ryan Murphy. Seriously, who else likes him? Unique says he can sing any song, any time. ANY song, any time, Unique? Try this one. Start at 5:00. That’s one blogger’s Everest. Stupid runs one of us has no ear for. Just Jake was okay. He had a decent tone, but he didn’t wow us. We think it’s stupid that he’s Puck’s brother. The Glee club needs better voices this year. Just Jake’s ego should keep him out of the club, but we doubt it will. This is a club that contained Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, and Quinn Fabray at one time. Hate him.

We like Marley alright. She may wear too many hates, but she’s pretty and seems sweet. Her mom is fantastically, tear-jerkingly supportive. We already have the best dad ever on this show (Burt), so it’s time to have the best mom. New York State of Mind was good.  Marley is great and likeable at the same time. Do we have a real nice girl on the show?!! For once? We appreciated that she wasn’t totally overdramatic about the song like Rachel was. She looks like Lexie on Grey’s Anatomy to us. Looks like Marley is the new female lead of the Glee club. She’s better than Tina, so good. She looks like a real teenager. We loved when she stuck up for her mom. We hate that the show is going to put her with Jake. Cliché.

Kurt is looking a lot better in his old age. He’s cuter. And Will got a haircut! So necessary. It’s Time sucked because of all the autotune. That’s a great song, and Darren Criss isn’t that bad. He doesn’t need all that computerized fixing. This show always overuses the autotune, but it was at new levels in this song. It was awful. We greatly prefer the original. We saw Burt. He showed up to foist high expectations about New York on his son. We love that they covered an ADELE song from her first album. Lots of people aren’t familiar with the music on 19. It’s really good and (BONUS) not overplayed like her other stuff. Marley’s voice was better on New York State of Mind though.

This episode wasn’t as laughably bad as a lot of Glee episodes. There was little ridiculousness. We like that it goes between Rachel and the Glee Club, but it feels like they will have to end Rachel’s plot at some point or make a Broadway-based spin off for her and Kurt. We don’t think the high school show can handle nine million characters and a plot about a Broadway adult once Rachel graduates. We’re pretty pleased with this premiere. We came to lambast, hate watch, and snicker, but we got a promising episode. We know it’s only a matter of time before the show sucks again.

Episode grade: B

The New Normal - Sofa’s Choice

Pic By Nick Step (http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickstep/5923245617/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

The pilot won us over, but can the second episode keep us? It’s not like this TV show is breaking ground with its nontraditional family. Modern Family has already done it. The shows are different in that Cam and Mitchell are a gay couple that are difficult not to love, and the show treats them as if they are normal. You can ignore the show or not. It is doing its own thing whether you approve of a “lifestyle” or not. It doesn’t care what you think.

On this show, characters are constantly pointing out that the gay couple is abnormal and the show goes out of the way to send the message that if you don’t like them, you’re a bigot. We like the way Modern Family does it better, but you have to admit that The New Normal mines the situation’s humor more by having Bigot Grandma deliver Sue Sylvester-style insults. We need this show to get less preachy and just do its thing though, or it’s going to date itself. The show should be less self-righteous for something that revels in stereotypes about gay men.

No one had to explain the Grey Gardens reference to us. That girl had it DOWN. We wish the writers had given Goldie a different dream. Hers depresses us. Goldie has four years of college and three years of law school. What is she going to do to feed her kid in the meantime? If she takes a job on top of that, it will be tough to spend time with her kid, let alone maintain a social life as well. Shania will be in her teens by the time Goldie can provide for her. Favorite line: “Those fruits are like cannibals. All they eat is fruit.”

Episode grade: B

Reasons We Are Actually Looking Forward to The Walking Dead

We hate and love this show. We love it for a second, and then there will be a string of episodes that make us want to drop it all together. Then a herd of guy friends (some of them are hot) come up and say, “Did you see what happened on The Walking Dead?!!” Then we feel like we have to go watch it. The annoying characters, unrealistic situations, and dragging episodes keep this show from being what it needs to be. We love the concept and the first season, but this show could and should be a lot better. It's the show that, culturally, we feel like we need to be watching even when it's a huge drag to watch. The first half of season two almost lost us for good. Things are looking up for season three though.

1) Dale is dead - One of the most annoying characters on the show, Dale, has died and will not be around to moralize and waste our lives. Let’s just hope Hershel doesn’t turn into Dale to fill the void. He needs to be his own ethical old guy and not a repeat of a character hardly anyone liked.

2) Shane is dead - The Lori/Shane/Rick triangle is over for good. The show effectively and entertainingly dispatched this storyline in season two. We’re glad this wasn’t dragged out anymore, because we sort of didn’t care. At least the death was good.

3) Prison break! No more aimless woods walking! - This season, the gang will be trying to break into a prison and make it their fortress. There will be new characters to meet in this endeavor. It sounds cool and may keep the gang from just wandering around. We love when they have a goal, project, and purpose.

4) Michonne - She’s gonna be bad ass. One glimpse is all we needed of her to want much, much more.

5) The Governor - We have a thinking, non-zombie antagonist to replace Shane! Antagonists always bring the drama and plot. Defeating antagonists is what storytelling is about.

Parenthood- Family Portrait

By Photographed by Greg Hernandez *derivative work: – Kerαunoςcopia◁galaxies (Lauren Graham) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Previously on Parenthood, Crosby got something awesome that he didn’t deserve, but we’re so happy for Jabbar that we didn’t care. Max was way ruder than anyone with Asperger’s Syndrome that we know. Haddie was a regular teen. Sarah was not Lorelai Gilmore. Adam ruled. Zeke didn’t. Julia is cool too. This isn’t the kind of show that starts off with a bang. Most premieres try to get attention, but this first episode was as quiet and normal as any episode of Parenthood. Julie and Hot Joel have a new kid, Victor, and he’s a sweetheart, but Julia doesn’t love him yet. He’s acting hesitant and Max told him that he’s not part of the family yet. Aww. We love him and can’t wait for the moment when he breaks down and loves the Bravermans.

Ray Romano is an even bigger jerk than Max, but we totally understand him firing Sarah after that work day. You don’t want an employee who is a liar. For the record, we’ve never lied in job interviews or on resumes, and God knows sometimes we’ve needed to. Nothing is worth it if you get it like that. We loved how different Ray was from his Everybody Loves Raymond days. We were surprised to see him pull this off so well, but that’s our fault for not watching his critically acclaimed last show. It was so awkward watching Sarah mess up and knowing that she was going to be outed as a liar! This is a good show, but we feel like Lauren Graham should be on a show where she has a bigger, better role than Sarah, whose best plots were in season two. Last year, she was largely wasted and kind of pathetic.

We didn’t think Haddie was a brat. We thought she was a realistic, relatable teen about to go to college. It was cute when she tried to bond with Max and gave him the weighted blanket. Crosby realizes that his parents didn’t raise him with any concept of spirituality, and it was interesting to see him actually seem to resent that rather than just feel intellectual superior to religious people. We get his complaint that the church is a community solely for people who can pass their litmus tests. We liked the way he and Jasmine handled the situation. They were totally in the right. The last scene of the episode was great. This was a regular, nice episode of Parenthood. Sure to please longtime fans, unlikely to win rabid converts.

Episode grade: B

Weeds- God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise

Eight years later, Andy and Nancy have sex. Wow. That was so depressing and yet so right. We’ve been waiting a long time for Andy to realize that Nancy is not good for his life. But what a way to end that relationship. Will it stay ended? There is an hour of Weeds left. She could get him back. We feel like she shouldn’t. 

The episode also took us back to Agrestic, which has been rebuilt. That was a good thing. Agrestic was always a good place for this show and it’s no different years later.

We saw some old faces, but the best of the bunch was Megan, Silas’s deaf ex. He told her about poking holes in the condoms and confessed that he still loves her. In fact, he’s never really loved anyone else. Megan took him back. They are together now and Megan is following him. Even though this seems out of nowhere, we love it and think Silas in love is a perfect way to end his story arc. We always liked the Megan character.

The Doug stuff was a waste of time, as usual, and the Shane stuff was just okay. Nancy getting Conrad and Guillermo onboard was too easy, and she wasn’t nearly as judged by her old friends or questioned for her absence as she should have been. Things went too smoothly for her there and probably deserved more than one episode to make the dealings believable. Still, this was the best episode of the season so far. It really feels like Weeds is coming to an end, rather than just meandering.

Episode grade: B+

Popular Music 9/11/12

The xx- Coexist

Genre: Alternative

There are two lead singers in this band: a guy and a girl. We like that, and it’s pretty in right now.  

Some of the lyrics on this CD are too repetitive for us. This stuff is quiet, haunting, peaceful, and understated. It left us feeling like a nap. It’s not something we’d want to listen to all at once again. Some of these songs might belong on a good mixed CD. This isn’t upbeat stuff. Sunset is as upbeat as it gets. But we feel relief when songs aren’t as beat-driven these days, because that’s starting to wear on our nerves. We wouldn’t call this CD melodic either. This isn’t our taste, but it’s not awful.

Grade: C

Carly Rae Jepsen- This Kiss, single

Genre: pop

This song is destined to annoy at least one of us for the next six months. It’s not special. Carly’s decent voice is kept in one annoying place the entire time. The background is very electronic and beat-driven. Get used to it. It sounds like the next radio hit.    

Grade: C

David Guetta- Nothing But the Beat 2.0

Genre: Dance

Well, we know what we are getting with David Guetta and an album with this title. It’s the same album with a few new songs. Our favorite new song is She Wolf (Falling to Pieces) featuring Sia. We love her voice, even if we hate the instrumental stuff right after the chorus.

Grade: B-

Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album

We can’t believe this is a thing.

Grade: A+ for the music. F for the concept

Group 1 Crew- Fearless

Genre: Christian and Gospel

This is like pop/hip hop, only Christian. Musically, it’s damp. It sounds like everything else on contemporary Christian radio. Flat melodies, the same chords Christians usually use (the easiest ones to play on the guitar that worship leaders learn first), and that lame, wet blanket sound that makes it easy to identify contemporary, popular Christian music. The lyrics are upbeat/positive, which is always nice, but some of them are rip-offs of clichés.

Grade: C-

Lifehouse- Between the Raindrops featuring Natasha Bedingfield, single

Genre: Pop

Okay, we love Lifehouse and we also love Natasha Bedingfield. Both of the artist and the group are Christians, but they know not to be heavy handed or preachy. They also know to have their own sound and not just copy and water down the today’s popular music. You know it’s them when they are singing. They are doing their own thing, but they have the deep, positive lyrics we like in some Christian music. When we saw that they did a song, we were excited to hear it. It didn’t disappoint. Yeah, it could have been better, but we enjoyed this song. They sounded great together.

Grade: B

Dave Matthews Band- Broken Things

Genre: Rock

You know what Dave Matthews song we really like? Gravedigger. That’s a good song. This album doesn’t have convert-winning standout songs, but it’s good enough to more than please longtime fans of the group. To them, this band can do no wrong, especially if they are making music much like the albums that came before. It’s a nice album. We just don’t love this band like its major fans do.

Grade: B

Norah Jones is also back to bore us with her coffee shop crooning. We’ll never get her. If you like Amanda Palmer, her new album is really cheap in Amazon’s mp3 store. No real standouts/nothing too interesting this week.

Downton Abbey seasons 1-2

By RedAmarilla (Flickr: National Television Awards 2012) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

As some of you have already noticed, we have a new page telling you what shows we will be blogging about and what days of the week to expect posts on each show. That way things aren’t so random and you know when to stop in. Be sure to drop by Sunday for unlisted shows, books, and movies, and Tuesdays for music. Something you also might have noticed is that we listed “Downton Abbey” as one of our regularly covered shows. You may be thinking, “What the heck IS that show? Why do I keep hearing about it? This blog has never mentioned that show before, so why is it now in one of the coveted ‘regularly covered spots’ and not [insert your favorite show that we rudely ignore most of the time]?

Well, we’re addicted to Downton Abbey now, that’s why. We cover what we love SO MUCH that we also want to write about it. We watched four episodes of Downton last year, but we got too busy to finish all the episodes and bookmarked it for later. This very week, we started watching it again and by the end of season one, we were completely hooked. There are only six episodes in season one and nine episodes in season two, plus a Christmas episode. Even though they are about an hour long each (and some are longer), we breezed through it and are now having withdrawals.

The show is set in England, from 1912-1920. That’s eight years in two seasons, so yeah, the show moves fast. Downton Abbey is a rich family’s house. The show follows the family’s lives, loves, and dramas, as well as those of the family’s servants and a few friends. Do you like Pride and Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables, and stuff like that? Well, you’ll love this. The dialogue is witty, snappy, and refined. The characters are interesting. The action is in the conversations and relationships. No scene is wasted. It’s clean, it’s fun, it’s romantic, and it’s a quality import.

For those of you who have seen it: l;asyfoiadhf rskldf## THE LAST SCENE OF THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL OMG WE SHIP THEM SO HARD. People we don’t care about: Bates. People we care about: Everyone else. Who we really, really care about: Mary, Matthew, Sybil, Violet, and Isobel. If you want to catch up, you have a week. Do yourself a favor and make a list of the servants as they are introduced. That's the weakness of this show: There are a lot of characters and at first it's hard to keep track of everyone. But this is like crack to us. Also, it has Maggie f***ing Smith. DUH.

Show grade so far: A-

LOST- season two

By Dysepsion (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or CC-BY-SA-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5-2.0-1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

We’re not actually re-watching LOST. Just Gilmore Girls. We don’t need to re-watch LOST to do this. We just need the episode titles. That’s how often we’ve seen LOST/how well we know it.

We want to repeat our DISCLAIMER: The LOST episodes will be graded compared to other LOST episodes. We can’t give them all A+s, or that wouldn’t be any fun. Except for Stranger in a Strange land, which would get a C- when compared to regular TV. That means we will give some episodes Fs and Ds, but know that we think every episode of LOST is better than 99% of the other stuff we’ve seen. We kind of tend to do this with all the shows we watch. We grade them against themselves and the other shows that WE watch, not all shows out there. Assume that we think all the shows we watch are As and Bs compared to other shows, because if they drop below that, we just stop watching them. Just know that nearly every episode of this show deserves an A. 

Man of Science, Man of Faith

In flashbacks, Jack saves Sarah from paralysis and meets a Scottish guy named Desmond while running stadiums. He gets a lesson in hope from his father. On the island, Jack, Kate, and Locke go into the hatch and find Desmond. Shannon sees Walt in the jungle, but everyone else just thinks she’s crazy.

The contents of the hatch really paid off in seasons to come, mostly because we like Desmond so much. The opening! We were obsessed with Make Your Own Kind of Music by Mama Cass after that, and so were our friends. Who knew that song could be creepy? Even creepier: Jack’s hair in the flashback. Wow, that was bad. We love that Jack’s father actually gave him some good advice, for once, and we also like how Jack is always criticized for his horrible bedside manner. We had to see Jack, Kate, and Locke go into the hatch about a thousand more times after this, but the first time was exciting as hell. Plus, we think this is one of the best Jack flashbacks.

Episode grade: A-

Adrift

In flashbacks, Michael very reluctantly gives his ex-girlfriend custody of Walt so that she can take him out of the country. All we really find out is that Michael gave Walt a stuffed polar bear and a speech a toddler could never understand. AWW. On the island, we get to see what happened to Michael, Sawyer, and Jin after the Others blew up the raft. They all lived, but when they made it to shore, they are grabbed by a hostile-looking, violent group of people. There’s some hatch action where Desmond has Locke enter Hurley’s numbers into a computer. Also, if you are ever asked, “What did one snowman say to the other snowman?” Answer: “Smells like carrots.”

It was a mistake to show us the hatch happenings from Kate’s perspective. We really just could have moved on. Watching Michael and Sawyer bicker and blame each other while sitting on the remains of the raft wasn’t exactly what we wanted to see after the last, awesome episode. Most of the episode featured them sitting on the water, adrift, if you will. We were mildly worried about Jin, but not much. He was never one of our favorites. He’s okay. As for the custody issues, did we really need to see the story behind Michael giving Walt to his ex? We got the message in the season one episode, Special. We know he wanted to be a father, but his ex got custody. There didn’t need to be a whole flashback about it. The end was cool and scary, but it wasn’t worth the whole hour of waiting. Compared to most other LOST episodes, this one was just boring.

Episode grade: F

Orientation

In flashbacks, Locke has a hard time letting go of his anger after his kidney is stolen, but a new girlfriend, Helen, gives him an ultimatum that helps him make progress. On the island, Desmond shows Jack and Locke a video that explains the hatch was built by scientific research company, The Dharma Initiative, in the 70s in order to control an electromagnetic condition on the island. Michael, Jin, and Sawyer are imprisoned by the passengers from the back of Flight 815.

This is our least-favorite Locke flashback, but that’s not much of a diss because most of his are fan-flippin-tastic. This episode introduced Dharma and lots of the show’s geeky mythology that would change the course of the season. Locke is a believer; Jack thinks it’s crap. Man of science and man of faith. This is also the introduction of Ana Lucia, played by Michelle Rodriguez. Now, we know this is an unpopular opinion, but Ern liked that character and found her sympathetic. Leeard, and the rest of the world, did not.

Episode grade: A-

Everybody Hates Hugo

In flashbacks, Hurley deals with the aftermath of winning the lottery, quits his job, and loses his best friend (an actor we hate, by the way). On the island, Hurley struggles with his new job as food distributor, fearful that everyone will start hating him for not being able to please everyone. He first thinks to blow it all up, and then he decides to just distribute it all at once. Claire and Shannon find the bottle with the messages that washed up to shore after the raft blew up.

It was cute when Hurley shared all the food at the end, but what the heck was with him wanting to dynamite it in the first place? That’s just crazy. We all know Hurley is a little crazy, but that goes beyond believability. There was almost no forward movement on the island. The flashback was fun though. We liked Starla and Hurley quitting. We have always hated DJ Quarth. Is that even his name? So  we weren’t sad when Hurley lost him as a best friend. It wasn’t really clear why his buddy started hating him. Just jealousy? Feeling like Hurley misled him into quitting his job? Couldn’t Hurley set him up with a new job at that box company?

Episode grade: C

…And Found

In flashbacks, we see Sun and Jin, unlucky in life and love, first meet. Jin was a worker bee, but an ambitious one. Sun was educated and modern, and she didn’t want to participate in her mother’s matchmaking. But then Sun started liking her match only to find that he wanted an American woman and was using Sun as a front to please his parents. Jin is treated like a dog at his new job, so he quits. That’s when they literally bump into each other and sparks fly. On the island, the tail- section survivors have decided to go to the main camp and join the A group. Michael leaves them to find Walt, so Jin and Eko go after him. They see some of the Others. Sun loses her wedding ring, but she finds it. She worries that Jin is dead.

The on-island drama of the week was literally Sun looking for her wedding ring. Big, huge snore. Yeah, Michael looked for Walt, but that didn’t go anywhere. It was just bickering and walking around in the jungle. However, the flashback was sweet and an important part of their love story. It was nice to see how they started out before deciding they had to be together. It was sweet, and it made us like Sun more that she went to a university. Seasons two and three tend to stall for time in between bursts of brilliant episodes/scenes.

Episode grade: D

Abandoned

In flashbacks, Shannon’s father dies and leaves everything to her stepmother. Shannon’s stepmother refuses to pay for the ballet internship Shannon gets. On the island, Shannon starts looking for Walt, since she’s been seeing him. Ana Lucia, Sawyer, and the others come across her, and, thinking Shannon is one of the others, Ana Lucia shoots Shannon. Shannon dies.

This is the first of several times LOST takes an unsympathetic character, makes them likeable in their flashback, and then kills them once you like them. That way, their death is sad. This episode gets a lot of criticism since so many people thought Shannon was useless, but it got to us. Shannon sincerely wanted to work hard at the internship, whether she would have been able to keep it up or not. We like that the episode killed Shannon. Her hysterical fighting with Sayid and search for Walt were fruitless and dull though. We think Sayid should never have fallen for Shannon. It cheapens his love story with Nadia. Before the plane crashed, he was looking for Nadia. Sayid is too mature and capable for Shannon. We don’t understand that relationship. It feels forced. Still, it was nice to have this twist and to like Shannon before her sad end. Sayid’s face after the shooting was memorable.

Episode grade: C+

The Other 48 Days

Instead of doing an episode dealing with the aftermath of Shannon’s shooting, LOST gives us the entire last 48 days from the view of the tail-section survivors. The Others kidnapped many of them, putting the remaining survivors on alert. One man, Goodwin, is an Other, like Ethan was. Ana Lucia accuses and imprisons the wrong man at first, but once she realizes who the Other really is, she kills Goodwin. The episode follows them up until the shooting of Shannon.

Yeah, this is information we want to know, but Sayid’s reaction to the shooting and the acceptance of the tail-section survivors into the main group is more pressing. So we were annoyed at first, but then the sheer brilliance of the episode won us over and completely engrossed us in this story. The scene where Goodwin dies is fantastic. The whole episode is creepy and exciting. One-island flashbacks really work. What’s funny is everything revealed in the episode is stuff we either already know or could have guessed, but it’s all so well done that the information feels new. We love the details.

Episode grade: A-

Collision

In flashbacks, we find out that Ana Lucia was a cop on leave after being shot. Once reinstated, she seeks vengeance on the thief who shot her, because he killed her unborn child. She shoots and kills him, illegally. On the island, Mr. Eko takes the dying Sawyer to the hatch so that Jack can tend to him. A frightened Ana Lucia ties Sayid up so that he will not plan revenge on her for killing Shannon accidentally. They talk and she releases him. Bernard and Rose reunite. Hurley hilariously remarks that he didn’t see that coming (that Bernard would be white).

It felt like this episode was stalling. Nothing in the flashback was shocking, and we couldn’t care less about Sayid’s grief over Shannon. There’s a debate over whether Ana Lucia is sympathetic. One of us thinks that if the character were a man, she/he would have been. All the actions and lines would have come across as “damaged” and “tough” were Ana Lucia a guy, rather than “bitchy.” If a guy’s unborn child had been killed by a criminal (which could have been done by shooting his wife), it would have been interesting. Maybe it’s the actress’s fault, but Ana Lucia gets a bad rep. We enjoyed her flashback, for the most part, but the on-island action is slow again.

Episode grade: C-

What Kate Did

In flashbacks, Kate blows up her abusive stepfather who turns out to be her biological father. She also meets and speaks with the man she grew up thinking was her real father. On the island, Kate takes care of Sawyer until he is seemingly possessed by the spirit of her stepfather. She runs around in the woods, sees a horse, and runs into Jack, who she kisses. Then she runs away before he has a chance to respond. Ana Lucia does not go to Shannon’s funeral. Michael uses the hatch’s computer to talk with Walt.

As far as Kate episodes go, this is one of the best. We finally find out what she did, and it wasn’t too disappointing. Yeah, it could have been better. She could have actually killed someone who didn’t deserve to be killed. We liked the on-island stuff where Kate seemed to go crazy with guilt and self-hatred over having this guy’s DNA. The Jack/Kate kiss was too long in coming. Jack obviously should have followed up on that, whether she ran away crying or not. This one was action-packed, and it ended with the eerie contact of “Walt.” Yeah, there’s no way that was Walt.

Episode grade: B-

The 23^rd Psalm

In flashbacks, we see Mr. Eko’s past as a Nigerian drug lord who poses as a priest and gets his little brother killed. On the island, Charlie leads Mr. Eko to the crashed plane where Eko finds his brother’s body. Claire finds out about Charlie’s heroin stash from the crashed plane, and she isn’t happy at all.

Numbers alert! “23” Yeah, that’s not special. Those numbers are everywhere, and that’s arguably the most popular psalm in the Bible. This is the only Mr. Eko flashback that’s worth anything. The others are dull and stress the viewers’ ability to care. This one even started out great: young Eko’s first murder was a gripping, stellar way to begin the episode. You really can’t top Eko facing the smoke monster though. This is where Charlie went from a little annoying to REALLY annoying. He spent the whole episode following Eko around and whining. But for his presence, this would have been an “A.”

Episode grade: B-

The Hunting Party

In flashbacks, Jack fails to save an Italian patient, and the patient’s daughter kisses Jack. Jack returns home, determined to work on his marriage and spend more time with his wife. But he’s too late. His wife is packed and ready to leave him. On the island, Michael goes off to look for Walt, and Jack, Locke, and Sawyer go after him. Jack, angry at Kate, refuses to let her come, but she follows them without permission. The hunting party runs into a group of the Others who have taken Kate hostage. The hunting party must give up their weapons and agree to stay on their side of the island in order to get Kate back. They have to return to camp without Michael. Jack is furious at Kate, even though she apologizes. Jack asks Ana Lucia about the possibility of raising an army.

This flashback is pretty useless. That Italian woman was in the top ten prettiest women we’ve ever seen in our lives though. Why does she not get more work? Is she too impossibly good looking? The end of the flashback was important, but it’s not like we couldn’t have guessed that a woman left a SURGEON because he was married to his work. That could have been told in two lines in the next Jack flashback. The best part of the episode, by far, was when the Others lit their torches and we met “Zeke” with the beard. It was scary, exciting, and infuriating. Sure, it was another tease that didn’t amount to much, but what a great moment. We don’t like what this episode did to Kate. Earlier, she was a useful tracker and brave A-team member. This episode made her into a dumb, pathetic nuisance who should have stayed in the kitchen. What, did this show need a Shannon replacement? This episode went a lot way in sealing the character as a G-I-R-L. She fouled up, and that erased a season of good behavior on the island. Jack was way too irritated with her (mostly because of the kiss) and should have let her come in the first place. Has he met her? OF COURSE she was coming.

Episode grade: B-

Fire + Water

In flashbacks, DriveShaft tries to make a comeback and fails. On the island, Charlie dreams that Aaron is in danger and becomes obsessed with the idea of baptizing the baby. Claire figures Charlie is using drugs again. Locke steals the heroin and puts it in the hatch. Charlie steals Aaron and takes him down to the beach. Claire cries, Locke takes the baby back, and then Locke punches Charlie a couple of times.

The ONLY good thing about this episode was seeing Locke beat the crap out of Charlie, who we fully hated by this point in the series. Even a flashback that showed him getting royally screwed over by his older brother couldn’t make Charlie sympathetic. This episode was a complete waste of time that drug the season down. Also, the butchering of Catholic doctrine was even apparent to the non-Catholic blogger. It’s such a populous religion that you could pull someone from off the street, have them review your material, and make sure it’s right. That was pure laziness. We guess we liked Charlie walking around in a diaper though. That was a good scene.

Episode grade: F

The Long Con

In flashbacks, Sawyer cons a woman even though he kind of falls in love with her. On the island, Sun is attacked by an unknown assailant and everyone blames the Others. Jack, Locke, Ana Lucia, and Kate fight over the guns. In the end, it’s all a ruse for Charlie to get revenge on Locke (by making Locke look foolish) and for Sawyer to get all the guns. Charlie attacked Sun, at Sawyer’s direction, and no one finds out that it was him.

We’re not sure why Sawyer decided to start being an ass again for almost no reason. Yeah, people took his stuff while he was presumed dead or escaped on the raft. That’s perfectly reasonable. We have to admire Sawyer’s genius plan to turn the other characters against each other. There’s no plot progression except for the introduction of Sawyer’s main off-island love who comes back to waste our time in subsequent episodes. It’s even more messed-up that he conned her after he developed actual feelings for her. We were mostly bored by this one, but it’s still a LOST episode, so we love it more than most episodes on TV.

Episode grade: D-

One of Them

In flashbacks, Sayid tortures a prisoner for the first time at the behest of American soldiers in Iraq. One of the soldiers is the man who raised Kate. On the island, Rousseau captures a man who she thinks is one of the Others and shows him to Sayid. Sayid brings him back to the hatch and uses his past talents to interrogate “Henry Gale.” Sayid is convinced he is an Other. Meanwhile, Sawyer and Hurley search for a tree frog that’s annoying Sawyer.

Oooh PLOT TWIST: Sayid didn’t learn to torture because he was in SADDAM HUSSEIN’s Republican Guard. He learned it from Americans because they are the secret bad guys, and we should judge ourselves, learn to be more liberal, and continue to hate the Bush presidents!! We usually love when LOST shows us something we don’t expect, but here, it felt forced, unlikely, and a little preachy. It just had no place on a show like this. This isn’t a political show. So yeah, other than the Kate connection, the flashback annoyed us. Thank goodness the on-island action more than made up for it. We are finally introduced to Ben, and this is the event that speeds the season up to its action-packed conclusion. The season is mostly meandering and repetitive until Ben shows up to put things in motion. Season two really starts here. We had to see Sayid’s dumb Shannon grief resurface again. Groan. That unbelievably stupid couple? That’s no one’s OTP. Let it die, show. Another thing we didn’t like: Why do we have a repeat of the plotline where Sawyer is looking for an aggravating animal? Didn’t we have that episode in season one?

Episode grade: B-

Maternity Leave

In flashbacks, Claire remembers the time she spent with Ethan. He did a bunch of medical tests on her and injected her with things. Rousseau and her daughter, Alex, help her escape. In real time, Aaron gets sick, so Claire, Kate, and Rousseau go to the abandoned Dharma medical station to look for a cure. Rousseau is looking for Alex, who was raised by the Others and is still with them. Nobody finds anything. It turns out that Aaron had a regular fever. Meanwhile, Jack and Locke disagree about how to treat “Henry.”

Eko cutting off his beard danglings: wtf. We’ll never understand that fully. Nor will we care. We love on-island flashbacks, and this is episode featured the first one. The Ethan scenes were unsettling in a good way. Sometimes babies just get sick. Listen to Doctor Jack, people. All we found out was that the Others use fake beards. Lots of this episode didn’t seem to go anywhere, so a lot of it felt flat in the end. We enjoyed the female-centric episode though. It left the boys behind and still managed to be one of the more serviceable LOST episodes. We also liked seeing Rousseau’s perfectly cast daughter. We’re pretty sure this episode is the time Ern’s all-time favorite book (“The Brothers Karamazov”) was referenced on this show. “Henry” didn’t want to read it. Peasant.

Episode grade: C

The Whole Truth

In flashbacks, Jin is diagnosed as infertile, but only Sun knows about it. On the island, Sun finds out that she’s pregnant. She swears to Jin that she’s never been with another man. Lies. Meanwhile, Ana Lucia, Charlie, and Sayid go looking for Henry’s balloon that will confirm his story.

We’re not fans of the storyline where Sun cheats on Jin and her questioning who the father is (not that we know about that by this episode anyway). It mars the love story a little, and it turns out to be Jin’s anyway. The island makes dudes’ swimmers extra Phelps-like. We also don’t like when Jin turns into a jerk randomly, going back to his old, domineering ways. It’s like when Sawyer stole all the guns. There’s growth and then backsliding. All of these things we’re complaining about are very realistic, but that doesn’t make them fun to watch. The best part of the episode was that last scene where Henry plants doubt as to his intentions and ends it with “Got any milk?”

Episode grade: C+

Lockdown

In flashbacks, Locke’s dad fakes his death and then asks Locke to help him get some money from some scam. Helen wants Locke to stay away from it, but Locke can’t. Locke proposes to Helen, but she turns him down because he is unable to let go of his father. On the island, the hatch goes into some weird emergency drive and traps Locke. Locke asks Henry to help him keep from having his legs crushed. He also asks Henry to enter the numbers. Locke ends up trusting Henry because of this, but then Ana Lucia, Charlie, and Sayid come back and let everyone know that Henry is a liar and an Other. Jack is kept from the hatch by Sawyer. They play cards for the medical supplies Sawyer stole.

This is the third lamest Locke flashback (The lamest being the one where he meets Helen and the second lamest being the commune one). The on-island action between Ben and Locke was good, but it didn’t really lead anywhere in the long run, did it? The question mark Locke saw and all the interaction felt mysterious and important, but it wasn’t. This episode was great the first time around, but it doesn’t hold up as well under multiple viewings. You have to admire Sayid’s investigation skills and obsession level. Oh, hey, remember Sawyer’s thievery and jerkitude? Well, he’s over his bad attitude and good-naturedly gambles the medical supplies for a pittance and then congenially hands them over when he loses. This dude is bipolar. As for the flashback? It all felt unfair. Why couldn’t Helen listen to Locke’s reasoning? Why couldn’t he explain that it was for a) closure and b) to get some of the scam money? Why couldn’t Locke stay away from that guy in the first place? Ugh, frustrating.

Episode grade: C

Dave

In flashbacks, Hurley is in a mental institution where he has an imaginary friend, Dave, who is interfering with his recovery. Libby was a patient too. On the island, Dave shows up and runs around the jungle, trying to convince Hurley that the island is all in his head. Libby kisses Hurley and convinces him that it’s all real.

This one you either love or hate. It’s kind of pointless, sure, and people think Dave being imaginary was supposed to be this big twist that MADE the episode. We don’t think that was the intention. This episode wasn’t supposed to blow our minds. It was supposed to show us how mentally unstable Hurley was before he got to the island, how he struggles to understand reality, and how much he needs someone to ground him. We found out why Hurley was in a mental institution in the first place (partly guilt over having been so fat he killed people…wow). We liked seeing Harry from Sex and the City. We were entertained the whole time. The Dave “character” was funny. Libby is the least-shallow person ever. Unrealistically so. But we like this episode. It entertained us.

Episode grade: B-

S.O.S.

In flashbacks, Rose and Bernard meet, he proposes, he finds out she has cancer, and he takes her to a faith healer in Australia. The healer doesn’t cure Rose, but she lies to Bernard and says it works so that he will drop his obsession to heal her. On the island, Bernard tries to make an S.O.S. signal out of rocks, but he’s such a douchebag that no one wants to help him. Rose tells him that she wants to stay on the island because she thinks it healed her, not the faith healer. Meanwhile, Jack and Kate try to trade Ben/Henry back to the Others in exchange for Walt. Michael appears instead.

Thank God there was only one Rose and Bernard flashback. One of the things Ern always hated about this couple was that Rose is always shooting Bernard down and nagging him. It’s not just in this episode too. In fact, in this episode, it’s the most tolerable, because at least she’s right in this situation. Re-watch it and pay attention to her naysaying. It will ruin the couple for you. This episode was sweet, we guess, but it didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. The island has healing powers? YOU DON’T SAY. Michael’s reappearance nudged the plot forward an inch.

Episode grade: D+

Two for the Road

In flashbacks, Ana Lucia travels Australia with Jack’s father as his bodyguard, but she ditches and calls her mother, asking to return home. On the island, Michael tells everyone that the Others are low-tech, savages with little more than sticks and few numbers. He wants to rally everyone to take the Others on and steal Walt back. Ana Lucia and Sawyer have sex, and she steals a gun off of him. Michael gets a hold of this gun and shoots Ana Lucia and Libby, helping Ben/Henry escape. Then he turns the gun on himself, popping his arm.

This episode is praised and famous for its shocking ending. After attempting to make Ana Lucia sympathetic (which didn’t work for most people), LOST killed her off. Having Michael do it, turning traitor, was even better than just having a regular death. We were kind of relieved that Libby got shot. We like Hurley, but we don’t necessarily want to see him getting action. It was almost as unbelievable as the Sayid/Shannon romance. The picnic thing was cute though. Once again, Ern liked Ana Lucia and the flashback. Almost no one else did though.

Episode grade: C

?

In flashbacks, Mr. Eko is a priest investigating a miracle in Australia. We find out that Claire’s psychic didn’t consider himself really gifted before meeting her. On the island, Mr. Eko and Locke find another Dharma station. The new station has TV sets watching the other stations. They see Jack walking around in their first hatch. Jack tries to save Libby, but it’s no good. She dies. No one knows Michael shot her.

This is the second best Eko flashback, which isn’t saying much, since we hate most of them. The miracle girl was appropriately creepy though, and it was cool to see Eko actually pretending to be a priest. Watching Locke start to lose his faith in the button was interesting. Any episode with so much Locke is good for us.

Episode grade: C+

Three Minutes

In flashbacks, we see Michael living with the Others, seeing Walt, and making a deal to rescue Henry/Ben. We also see that he’s made a deal to trade Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley in exchange for his son. On the island, Michael convinces the listed four to help him storm the Others camp and get Walt back. Sayid tells Jack that he fears Michael has been turned. At the end, Sun sees a sailboat heading for the beach. In the next episode, we find out it’s Desmond.

The flashbacks were good, even though we kind of figured that Michael had made some sort of deal to betray the survivors and get his son back. The only new piece of information was that they wanted a specific foursome. We’re glad Sayid figured out that in an INVASION, if someone wasn’t taking him, that meant it wasn’t going to be a real kidnapping plan. Come on. Hurley and not Sayid? Hurley and not Locke? Hurley and not Eko? Michael needed a better story. This episode was mostly set up, but it was gripping and tension-building, not to mention gratifying to see a character have half a brain.

Episode grade: C+

Live Together, Die Alone (parts 1 and 2)

In flashbacks, Desmond is released from prison after fouling up with the army, and he tells his rich sweetheart (whose father does not approve of him) that he is going to become worthy of her. His plan is to win some sailing race, but he crashes on the island where he is found by a man named “Kelvin.” Kelvin lives in the hatch and pushes the button. Desmond assaults him after Kelvin tries to abandon the hatch and accidentally kills him. On the island, Michael leads his foursome to the Others while Sayid follows on Desmond’s sailboat. Sayid’s plan goes awry and the Others grab Jack, Sawyer, and Kate. They let Hurley go. They give Michael and Walt a boat and instructions on how to actually get away from the island. Desmond goes to the hatch and realized that he caused Flight 815 to crash when he failed to enter the numbers promptly Locke stops entering the numbers and the hatch implodes. It might have done worse had Desmond not used a failsafe key or something.

We bet you read that summary and thought, “Wow, that was the crappiest summary of all time. It in no way captured the epic romance between Desmond and Penny, his desperation, his lowest moment, the craziness in the hatch, the fail safe, the Charles Dickens, Ben leading the others, Locke’s meltdown, Eko’s pleas, and the capture of Jack, Sawyer, and Kate.” This episode had a lot to do. It had to introduce Desmond and Penny. It managed to squeeze out our first tears over that couple. It had to wrap up season two. It had to implode the hatch and release electromagnetic activity.  It had to be creepy and exciting. It had to make sense. Well, it might have failed at that. But it was awesome and mostly pulled everything off.

Episode grade: A