America’s Next Top Model Review- Episode 2: Diane von Furstenberg

This week, we were introduced to the Cycle 15 opening sequence, which has got to be one of the lamest things we have ever seen. It started with Tyra Banks making faces at the camera and leaning against some mirrors in what I’m sure she thought was a sexy way. Then the Cycle 15 girls did it too. The theme song has gotten even worse. Tyra, we get that you are in charge of America’s Next Top Model. We even remember that you used to be a model. You don’t have to plaster yourself all over the previews and put pictures of yourself all over every house where those poor girls live. You can just show up at judging and a few challenges, and we will remember, “Ahh, this is the boss.” And it would be much more tasteful.

We’re starting to like Ann. Chris was talking to Ann because, as Chris tells us, Chris is a nice person. In this charity conversation, Chris tells Ann that she is going to find her a man. “What’s your type? I got some homies.” Ann deadpanned, “My type is a sixty-year-old warlock who spits fire and knows how to make sushi.” While she is saying this, people in charge of the show play “Ann is crazy music.” The episode's challenge was to walk a wobbly runway four stories above the ground, and it was boring. No one fell off. They should have made it wobblier. There was also a bit of shameless product placement with the girls talking up this fancy hair straightener/curler device. We also found out that Kayla is gay. Chris’ reply? “I don’t care. I’m cool with everybody.” Chris thinks she is a much nicer person than she is (when, in fact, she’s a bit of a douchelord), but we like her strong personality, overall.

As we predicted, Anamaria's weight came under fire. Her reply? “I’m on a calorie-restricted diet…As a model, I feel like it’s how it should be.” Many clips were played of Anamaria talking about how she has this competition in the bag. “These girls are just small town American girls. I wouldn’t look twice at them on the street.” Then Jay saw her in the photo shoot and said, “I didn’t see a tall, skinny model. I saw bones.” Anamaria was stubborn and uncooperative when Jay kept trying to get her to pose in a way that didn’t make her look starving.

The photo shoot involved modeling in bathing suits with two words painted all over their bodies. One word was supposed to be a word bullies called them, and the other was supposed to be a positive word to counteract it. This anti-bullying PSA had Tyra written all over it. Sure enough, she showed up and revealed her source of childhood shame..again: her big forehead! She wore a T-shirt with “Big Forehead” written on it. Dear Tyra, you should have taken off the “fore.” Then she ripped it off like the superwoman she thinks she is, and it said, “SUPERMODEL TURNED ENTREPRENEUR.” Fair enough. She IS that.

Most of the mean words pertained to the girls’ looks: caspar (for being too white), soup cooler (for big lips), and elf ears. But some girls really laid their hearts before us on national television, revealing that they were things like called stupid and queer (Kayla, duh). Poor little Kayla was in tears. She was bullied so much for coming out in high school that she had to switch schools. Demi Lovato showed up to give a little PSA announcement about bullying. We were disappointed they couldn’t have let her treat the models to some a cappella singing.

At the judging table, we had Nigel (he’s hot), some fat guy one blogger doesn't know (the other blogger, of course, knows the wonderful and talented Andre Leon Talley), Tyra, and Diane von Furstenberg, fashion designer. Is it our imagination, or did Diane look irritated with Tyra at least twice? Our favorite quote from the judging was when Tyra said that Sara looked like a Barbie Doll. “But I want more than a Barbie Doll. I want a high fashion Barbie Doll” Ann was deemed to have the best photo, and Kayla was runner up. Anamaria got a lecture about health, and then the judges showed her the door. They said she was even thinner than the thinnest models working today. Tyra said that leaving her on the show would be a bad influence on young girls.

We think Anamaria was set up to fail from the start. From the first episode, it was obvious that her body was too thin to look attractive in photos. Did the show’s producers pick Anamaria for the top 14 just so they could throw her to make a point and look good?

Well, if kids would have been dumb enough to imitate these models’ life choices, they will be dumb enough to believe the show is genuine and eat “a piece of bread with butter and avocado” (the food recommended to Anamaria by Tyra). Maybe Tyra did a good deed. Maybe she should guest start on another CW show, 90210, and teach those girls a lesson there as well…

Episode Grade- C