At the start of the episode, Serena was upset that she couldn’t get a cab to Columbia, because a man kept stealing them from her to dump his one-night-stands into. Let’s call him Cab Stealing Man Ho. Also, the eternal question: what is Serena wearing? There is a time and a place for a halter top and short shorts, and it’s called summer in South Beach, not your first day at an Ivy League school. Serena got in trouble with a professor for being late.
Blair was trying to get in with a powerful guest lecturer at Columbia named Martha. This interested us, because you really don’t meet many black women named “Martha.” Blair trotted down to Martha’s office with a cherry pie and two minions. Blair’s plans were foiled when Martha picked Chuck (who is now a student, solely for the purpose of taking down Blair) as her assistant. Chuck leered almost cartoonishly after delivering this news to Blair. Chuck walked away after giving the best line of the episode: “Mmm. I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.” We yelled, “Ohhhh snap.” Blair’s next move was to set Martha up on a hot date in exchange for the assistant position. This would have worked, but Chuck replaced Blair’s selected man with a woman, and Martha is not gay. Martha resigned from her position at Columbia because of how “psychotic” Chuck and Blair were. At least SOMEONE got taken down. Chuck threatened to tell everyone about how he slept with Jenny Humphrey, which is a low and boring blow. He said, “I won’t stop until you have nothing.” You could fry an egg with the heat between these two.
Juliet had Gossip Girl send a blast spreading a rumor that Serena had an STD. There was a bunch of boring drama regarding that. Juliet’s brother wanted Juliet to have Nate steal Serena’s phone and get Serena expelled from Columbia. Juliet didn’t do that, and it was pretty obvious by the end of this episode that she is falling for Nate. Yawn. He’s hot, but how could you fall for Nate? We guess he’s sweet. Juliet got Vanessa to steal the phone instead. Juliet sent an email from Serena’s phone to her professor and later plopped it into Vanessa’s purse. The email offered the professor sex if he would give her a good grade. The professor showed the Dean, and the Dean threatened to expel her. Serena explained that her phone was missing, and Juliet suggested she call her phone in case the thief was still at the party. Vanessa was caught with the phone, and Dan didn’t instantly believe her. She cried. We love seeing Vanessa cry. But it makes no sense that Serena would believe Juliet over Vanessa, because Juliet has tried to hurt Serena before. Vanessa was freaked out that Dan might have slept with Serena, so she spent the whole episode questioning him and everyone else about it. This is why she stole Serena’s phone for Juliet; she wanted to see if there was any evidence of a tryst, and she found none.
Vanessa and Dan broke up, which means the world is now a little less boring. It looks like Serena is going to start living it up with Cab Stealing Man Ho, because if she can’t escape her past and reputation, she’d better just go with it. Speaking of boring Dan, when he was walking with Nate to the health clinic, didn’t he have the biggest man boobs you’ve ever seen on this show? If Dan starts getting even less hot, he will be completely useless. We wonder if Blair’s traitorous random minion (who told Chuck that she wanted to get in with Martha) will reappear and try to cause more havoc? Do we care?
Episode grade: C-