Noel told Aria’s brother Mikey that there was a rumor going around that Mr. Fits was dating a student. Aria heard this news at the table, in front of her father. For a moment, it seemed like she was going to spill the beans, but that was just the show toying with us again. Noel kept asking Mr. Fitz for a good grade. Because high school grades are so super important and it would be the highest dishonor to give one to an undeserving kid---much more dishonorable than engaging in a romance with an underage girl, Mr. Fitz refused to give Noel the grade. We hope you caught the sarcasm, because those last few lines are dripping with it. Rather than give Noel the grade, Mr. Fitz was willing to quit his job before he was outed and leave town (and Aria). Aria and Mr. Fitz were all sad and lame. We were happy, because this plotline is annoying, gross, unrealistic, and probably the only thing dragging down the show at this point.
But A came through for the girls, for once, and had Noel framed for cheating (stealing tests), so now the principal won’t believe anything he says, and Mr. Fitz got to stay. We really hope that Aria and Mr. Fitz get caught, he goes to jail, and Aria hooks up with just about anyone else. When an older guy has to date a girl in high school, he is a creeper. No exceptions. No show can romanticize that enough to make us forget it.
Emily’s mom saw Maya and Emily playing footsy AGAIN and freaked out. Maybe this woman isn’t a homophobe. Maybe the secret she represses is that she is really weirded out by footsy. If so, we feel ya, Emily’s mom. Can’t they just hold hands and kiss? Why do they have to throw their footwork into our faces. Emily’s mom went through Maya’s bag and found pot in it, which she did not like. So Emily’s mom hates pot and footsy, two of the most harmless things in the world. She informed Emily’s dad and Maya’s parents. Maya’s parents weren’t fans of the drugs and arranged to send Maya to a camp for three months. Spencer, Aria, and Hanna arranged one last night of romance for Emily and Maya. They went upstairs, and, bathed in candlelight, looked into each other’s eyes, swayed, and caressed each other’s faces. There might have been a few…gasp…hugs! This is the tamest lesbian couple ever. But we guess it is age appropriate. Also, has Maya always been that pretty? Is it the new hair and the makeup?
Hanna’s leg healed (that was fast) and A started taunting her. A sent her a message saying that if she wanted to get her mom’s money back, she had to go to this bakery and ask for “Hefty Hanna’s order.” It was a bunch of cupcakes with pig faces on them. A said that she had to sit down and eat every one. A jock-guy who is friends with Noel saw her eating them and said, “Oink oink.” We wish we had an A in our lives to get us chocolate cupcakes. Mmmm. Did A find Jesus or something? Because that’s the second nice thing she did in this episode. But Hanna looked miserable. Apparently, it brought back old memories of when Alison made her throw up after she ate in order to lose weight. Hanna resisted the urge to throw up this time. A left Hanna a couple of hundreds in the bakery bathroom to reward her, but A didn’t give Hanna all of the money yet. Note to the ladies: Bulimia doesn’t work. It just kills you, ruins your teeth, and ruins your digestion. Statistically, people who binge and purge are usually at an average weight, not super skinny. This is because the body only purges 13% of the calories (according to the university Ern and Leeard attend). Not. Worth. It. Ok, PSA over.
Toby is so hated in the town that people write mean things on his locker, say mean things to him in the street, and even little children run from him on the sidewalk (that was hilarious). Spencer felt bad for him, but she didn’t tell the agent who was looking for another suspect her suspicions about Ian. Spencer found out that Ian and Alison were both at the Hilton Head golf resort right before Alison was killed, even though Ian and Alison lied about being there together. Spencer got a message from A saying that Melissa only married Ian to give him an alibi for Alison’s murder. Melissa, meanwhile, was walking around, talking about how wonderful life and marriage are, and saying that she and Ian are going to start having children right away. Ok, even if Ian wasn’t a murderer (probably), that would be gross, because both he and Melissa are icky.
The episode ended with A sending them the rest of Alison’s “you know you want to kiss me” woods video. It showed that Ian was the older guy she was with (and talking to). Then we heard Alison choke (off camera), fall, and all we could see after that was her hand clutch the dirt and then go still. While the girls watched the video, someone watched them through the window (presumably A). They chased the peeping tom, but did not catch him/her.
So it looks like Ian is the killer. That’s not very exciting. We're hoping there is some other twist or that Ian didn't do it.
We would give this an A+ if it weren’t for stupid Mr. Fitz and even stupider Aria. Wear enough makeup to school every day, Aria? Jeez.
Episode Grade: B+
Watch it on hulu