Oh man. Oh man. This episode was perfect in every way. Ok, not every way. We are disappointed in who Gossip Girl was. But the build-up to the wedding was all worth it.
The episode started with a Serena dream. Hers are a lot more musical than Blair’s, it seems. She is Marilyn Monroe to Blair’s Audrey Hepburn, and she is singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” in Marilyn’s voice, surrounded by boys. This was weird, stupid, and campy, but we completely loved it. Audrey Blair shows up to take Dan away from Marilyn and Serena wakes up. It’s the morning of Blair’s wedding.
We then see Chuck. If you were worried last week that he was going to become a villain again, you will be pleased to see that Chuck double-crossed the priest and decided to sabotage the priest’s plan to ruin Blair’s wedding. Chuck wants Blair to be happy. One, two, three: Awwww. That was always Chuck’s plan. Chuck poisoned the priest with Mexican toilet water from a Bass resort. Ha. Did he have that over-nighted or something? We mourn the lost opportunity to see Chuck don the priest’s outfit the father tried to give him.
Dan is Louis’ best man. What??!! That’s weird. Blair asked her stepdad to walk her down the aisle with her father, which was sweet. And, yes, Wallace Shawn had to utter the lines, “Look! It’s The Princess Bride.” Oh, har har har. Alright, we really did think it was clever. If inconceivable. We liked Blair's dress and veil, but we're not sure about her scraggly wedding hair or the bridesmaids dresses she chose. They looked like sponges, but they were nearly appealing.
Georgina shows up with her husband to ruin the wedding so that she can get back at Blair. “That bitch got me remanded to rehab, banished from Bible camp, and abandoned in Belarus,” Georgina groused. Georgina had baby Milo with her, and he’s still an immobile cherub in a stroller. We’re pretty sure he should be walking by now. He was born years ago.
Nate meets the real Charlie who is a cater waitress for the wedding and there are sparks. What a coincidence! Apparently, she has catered for him before and he didn’t remember her. As a grand romantic gesture, Nate investigated her and found out everything about her, like that she was a student at Julliard. Top-notch journalist that he is, Nate did NOT find out that Lola was Charlie Rhodes. Bravo, Nate. You’re useless.
Blair has a panic attack when she puts her wedding dress on, so Eleanor uses her motherly intuition and realizes that this is a mistake. Eleanor runs right to Chuck. Chuck goes to Blair and Blair tells Chuck that she loves him and is actually marrying Louis for Chuck’s sake. Blair turns Chuck away, choosing Louis. Georgina is taping them and gets Blair’s confession saved to her phone.
Serena tells Chuck about Blair’s pact with God (groan). During the ceremony, when the “speak now or forever hold your piece” line is said, Chuck does not object and we were shocked by this. Come on, Chuck! Blair said she loves you and that she loves you more every day! That’s actually what old married couples say about each other when it’s a real, lasting thing. Everyone was looking at Chuck, waiting for him to do something, but he just kind of swayed in the hallway. This is why he deserves to lose Blair…for now.
Gossip Girl interferes. She texts everyone the video of Blair and Chuck. Jeez, people, turn your phones off in a wedding. Blair runs offstage. Blair tells Louis that she chose him, and that if he takes her back, Blair will never embarrass him again. She does this right in front of Chuck, who came back to apologies for coming to her wedding. Louis goes back to the altar with Blair and the two marry. During their dance at the reception, Louis says tells Blair that he married her for show. He doesn’t forgive her for loving Chuck and ruining their wedding.
Then Louis said that Blair needs to smile for the cameras and pretend to love him, because he will keep their marriage going for show until he tires of her, or something. Blair was all, “What about your beautiful vows?” Louis said, “Dan wrote them.” Why didn’t we get to hear those vows, by the way? We were cheated.
Meanwhile, Serena confesses her love to Dan. Dan has no reaction. Poor Serena. She really is a nice and pretty girl. She needs to realize that Dan hasn’t wanted her since he was, like, 16. He’s ready for someone smart who likes to see artsy films and read literature. Blair calls Dan after her horrific dance. Dan drives Blair away. Blair SHOULD have called an attorney to seek an annulment, immediately.
We’ve always complained about this show dragging out Chuck and Blair and ruining their romance, especially in the last two seasons. But this season has redeemed that, especially after the last episode. As perfect as it would have been for their romance to be complete at the end of season two, they were not good enough people to make real love last yet. They were not yet unselfish. Now, Chuck has done major work on himself and Blair sees Dan’s worth while also seeing that being a princess isn’t everything. Also, Dan is a real and realistic way to keep Blair and Chuck apart. The Blair/Dan romance isn’t a distraction or contrived obstacle. It feels real. It feels like the show is making Blair and Chuck a bigger, longer story than we previously thought it would be, but that it’s going to make sense in the end.
The episode ended with Gossip Girl typing and talking. We saw hands, and then the camera turned around to show Gossip Girl’s face. It’s Georgina! Gasp! Actually, lame. Dorota would have been better. (Speaking of, Dorota looked nice dress for the wedding). We already KNEW that Georgina was a double-crossing, sociopathic schemer. We hope that there is more than one Gossip Girl or something. Maybe she hacked GG’s site briefly or something.
This episode tried so hard. It deserves a perfect score for such effort, and it was entertaining and eventful as well.
Episode grade: A+