Spoilers for season two follow. We finally finished season two of Game of Thrones, a show we usually never get behind on. Oh, Europe trip, ruining our TV lives and yet enriching our real ones. What is with Game of Thrones and having knock-you-on-your-ass penultimate episodes? Last year, they killed Ned Stark in the episode before the finale and this year, they had one of the best, if not the best, battles ever filmed for television. In "Blackwater", Stannis Baratheon attacked King’s Landing and lost due to Tyrion and a late arrival by Tywin Lannister. “These are brave men knocking at our door. Let’s go kill them.” That’s an even better line than, “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.” We actually felt bad for Stannis in the moment of his army’s retreat. There was a great Bronn/Tyrion bromance moment too. Keep the love alive, show. We’re digging it.
That episode was so good. It was maybe our favorite of the entire series, possibly because it was so Tyrion centric. It was his first wartime battle and he did admirably, as we knew he would. It’s also unsurprising that Cersei just got drunk and crazy and Joffrey acted like a humungous coward. But Peter. Freaking. Dinklage. We would follow you into any battle. HALF MAN. HALF MAN. It’s about time we got an episode of this show that was so focused on action and a simple plot. So many people actually ship Sansa and The Hound, but Ern does not (Leeard does). We loved The Hound abandoning the battle though. It seemed like the finale was set up to fail, having to follow this episode. But it was good too.
In the finale, "Valar Morghulis", Tyrion wakes up after the battle, wounded, and realizes that Tywin Lannister is getting all the credit for Stannis’ defeat. Tyrion has been replaced as Hand of the King, which is not a good idea. Tywin can’t even keep his horse from pooping all over the throne room floor! Joffrey is still on the iron throne, which is such a travesty. The good news is that Sansa doesn’t have to marry Joffrey now. We feel like Margaery will be better able to handle Joffrey and play the game. She went from Beard to Queen in one season. Of course, she doesn’t yet know what a dick Joffrey is, even though it should be obvious just by looking at him. This may not go well for Margaery, but we are anxious to see her square off against the equally devious Cersei. Run, Sansa. Run. For the last freaking time, leave! But no, she’s staying.
We get to see Brienne and Jaime Lannister is still talking. He starts offering her sex. Three dudes show up and Brienne delivers quite the arse whooping. We’ve been wanting to see that out of her for weeks. We hope you were impressed, Jaime. Meanwhile, Robb tries to talk his mother into letting him marry Talisa (darn this show for constantly changing the names of its women), breaking an oath to a powerful man whose daughter he was supposed to wed. Stannis is with Melisandre, upset that he lost the battle and also killed his brother. He chokes her, and this gets him nowhere. Melisandre is still into Stannis after this and promises him that he will be king. They stare at the fire together and see something. We don’t get to see it. No fair, show.
Theon Greyjoy, thou art the worst. He whines and cries, and we have no sympathy. He makes an unwise decision. Shocker. At least he’s braver than Joffrey, and we credit the Stark upbringing for that. Theon gets bagged by his own men and taken back to his father. Theon’s men stab Maester Luwin as they leave. Are they cousins of Joffrey’s, to be that needlessly douche-y? At King’s Landing, the Eunuch is telling Tyrion that Cersei is responsible for his injury. She sent a man to kill him in the battle. Tyrion has a big scar across his face, but it only serves to make him look more bad ass, in our opinions. He even looks bad ass when he cries. That scene with his ho finally won us over to her.
Good for Robb! He married Talisa, promises and mother be damned. We like to see a guy make an honest woman out of a girl he bones, as well as follow his heart. She’s gonna die though, isn’t she? We finally see Daenerys, but not for long. Good job losing her, Jorah. Arya is making her escape with Mr. Third Person, Jaqen H’ghar. They part and say goodbye. He gives her a coin so that she can find him later, if she needs to, and then he changes into someone else. What a weird (awesome) guy. He’s not hot anymore though, and that’s a shame. Viewers should be wondering how often Jaqen was/will be on this show and yet we don’t get to know it’s him. We see Tonks and HODOR!, who still have the Stark babies. Maester Luwin gets to see that they are alive before he dies. The Maester sends them to The Wall, to Jon. Where on Earth is Jon? Tonks offers to get the Maester high, but he has her kill him instead. Winterfell burns.
Back to Daenerys looking through the sorcerers’ lair for her dragons. This is the best and most exciting thing she’s done all season. She ends up in the snow, without a jacket. She is reunited with her dead husband, and he’s holding a baby. He’d be so hot without that nasty beard. The scene is sweet and lets us know that maybe this is what will await Daeny when and if she finally dies. It’s not real, obviously, and Daeny finds herself back in the lair, in the real world. She finds her dragons and creepy magic dudes with skinny arms. The dragons burn up the magic dudes! She kills the King and gets all the gold! It’s ship-buying time for next season. We see Jon and Ygritte, marching. Swordfight! Dead Leader of the Watch! Poor guy, poor Jon. That’s a real leader, sacrificing himself for Jon like that. Next year, Jon is going to meet the king beyond the wall. Another king. Ugh.
In the last scene, we see the other men of the wall, including Sam, still talking about Gilly. White Walkers, ya’ll. WHITE WALKERS. It’s The Walking Dead meets Game of Thrones. The Walking Thrones! Okay, Game of Dead would probably be a cooler name. Nasty zombie horses and nasty zombies abound. Clearly, the best thing for this show is zombies. Perfect season ending. This season was better than the first one, no? We know the show is mostly bound by the books, but it milks them for all they are worth. We love how magic is slowly creeping into this story. We also got the perfect name for our future boat: The Sea Bitch. Now that this show has ended, we’ll see if Ern can actually get some studying done and Leeard can stop googling pictures like this one. Leeard thinks that's a funny joke, because there's no way she'll stop looking for pictures of those two. Update: This was true. In the last week, Leeard has sent Ern about five more pics like that. Every day.
Valar Morghulis: A
Season two grade: A-