Spoilers contained. Most of it was written while watching the episode (rather than later after we knew everything).
The first season without Alan Ball! Woo hoo! Time for this show to possibly get even crappier than the last two seasons. We forgot how last season ended until the recap. Man, that sucked. No Jesus and Sookie dumping both guys? The only good thing was Tara’s death. We hope that would stick, but we doubt it will. The episode started off cartoonish, with cartoon-y music and Eric speedily cleaning up blood. We don’t like when this show goes cartoon. We like when it’s dark and semi-serious with a few one-liners to lighten the mood.
Then lots of things happened quickly. We liked Eric’s reaction to being dumped (f*ck Sookie) and how quickly the Authorities swarmed on Eric and Bill. Sookie convinced Pam to turn Tara, even though she has half a head and hates vampires. How was she still alive enough to turn?!! Ugh. Now she will never die. We hate death fake-outs so much, even when we like the character. Cue theme song. We love that theme song as much as we hate stupid Tara.
The new girl trying to kill Sam is so beautiful that she’s making Luna look unattractive. Blue eyes with that hair and skin tone? Wowser. Jason is so dumb for letting that Fellowship of the Sun Steve Newlin vampire in. We always knew that guy was gay. “This dog don’t bark that way” is one of the best ways to say “I’m straight” that we ever heard. Jessica bursting in to save Jason was most welcome. We love her. She should be annoying like almost everyone else on this show, but she isn’t.
We like Nora (she’s not a waffler or a spineless jellyfish as far as choosing loyalties), but she and Eric are never going to rival the Lannister twins in incest. They aren’t even real siblings by blood. And does Bill forget his bout of incest a while back? No judging, Mr. Compton. Sookie committed murder and she knows it. She doesn’t even seem to feel bad. We don’t really like that. Sookie is a far cry from the sweet, moral girl she was back in season one. Lafayette is having trouble dealing with what he did to his boyfriend, and he wasn’t even in control of himself when it happened.
We had forgotten about Terry’s just-arrived war buddy. Uh oh…things are going to go down. We’ve been waiting for Terry to snap all series, but we aren’t going to like it, because he’s one of the characters we like. Both Tara and Sookie sure got prettier as they grew up, didn’t they? We wonder how long we are going to have to watch Lafayette mope. We’re sad about Jesus too, but you don’t see us in the bathtub, eyeing pink razors. Alcide was in this episode! Now is the time, Sookie! Get with that. Just don’t tell him what you did to Debbie…Oh man, actually do. We can’t wait until he finds out. He’s going to freak.
Hoyt is being a jerk. We hope he and Jason make up soon and admire Jason for making the first move, even though he IS a girlfriend f*cker. Russell is back in play, because just what this show needs is another character back in play. Sookie tried to tell Alcide about Debbie right off the bat, but Lafayette ruined it. Good girl in refusing his protection. Lafayette is bald now. Okay. Cut to Sam getting tortured. Poor Sam. We meet Martha, a real straight shooter. Cut to Eric and Nora having sex while calling each other brother and sister. Stop it, guys. You’re not Cersei and Jaime, so don’t even try to creep us out on that level. We are desensitized from your HBO sibling show.
“We fight like siblings, but we f*ck like champions” – Eric. Good line. Cut to Queen Jessica, living it up and partying. Go to college, Jessica. It’s fun. Her dress is so short you could see her tampon string, were she human and wearing a tampon. Watching this show is making our minds disgusting. There really is too much sex and nudity. It’s not necessary and borders on porn occasionally. We actually don’t want to see all of that. Just some of it. Terry’s looking stressed with Patrick around. What happened in Iraq? We guess we’ll find out. We don’t like seeing the usually chill Terry freaking out and hitting people.
Meanwhile, Jessica rocks. We wanted to hear her a little more, because what little singing we got was pretty good. Jason turning down the sorority girl’s sex offer was completely adorable. He has really redeemed himself from season one when we hated him more than even Tara. Cut to the werewolves finding and eating Marcus’ body. That doesn’t even faze us on a show this weird. Cut to Kat doling out passports and stupid names. Eric and Bill had better not be leaving for any significant amount of time. Oh, thank God. The Authorities found them again.
Back to Sookie and Lafayette sitting shiva over Tara’s grave. Pam rises, aggravated, with dirt in her bra. And Tara is still dead!!!! Praise the TV gods! How unpredictable and awesome! But then. Aw, poop. She rose, attacked Sookie, and the episode ended on one of this show’s usual violent cliffhangers. We liked the song in the credits. At least this episode wasn’t boring and didn’t have a dumb fairy world sequence like last year’s premiere. It’s summer, so beggars can’t be choosers, but seriously. This show is no The Vampire Diaries. For all the sex and nudity in True Blood, it doesn't come close to being as sexy either.
Episode grade: C+