Ern reads 50 Shades of Grey post 2

Those cheapos at Kindle couldn’t even give me two full chapters to decide if I should read this garbage. I decided to go for it and buy the rest of the book, since my mom not only fed me, but offered me a book in exchange for doing her a favor (it involved using the internet for her. Older people are bad at that). Also, it was only 10 bucks. Another piece of fortunate news is that I can read this book while drinking because it requires little thought. When you’re drinking, this book gets better, no lie. Recommended. And look, I’m not going to completely vilify this on purpose. I GET that you guys know this isn’t Pride and Prejudice. I get that people reading this are reading it solely for entertainment, fun, and titillation. There’s no need for me to be a huge snob. I read junk all the time. I’ve read the entire Captain Underpants series. But you also have read good stuff too, at some point, you know? I’ll give it a chance. So far, Twilight's relationship is just as abusive. Well...so far. If the book legitimately turns me on or cures my boredom, I’ll like it. And I like making detailed book posts. Maybe I’ll do it for every #1 bestseller from now on. I’LL DO IT FOR J.K. ROWLING’S UPCOMING BOOK!

Chapter 2 continued

Ana and Grey are still at Clayton’s hardware store when Paul, the youngest brother of Ana’s boss, comes in and says hi to Ana. He goes to Princeton, is home on break, and has a crush on Ana. He asks her out every time he comes home and she always says no. It makes sense that Ana is insecure and doesn’t know Grey likes her, right? Literally every man in the book so far (Christian, Jose, and Paul) has wanted Ana. That’s one of the hallmarks of a Mary Sue (having all the male characters sexually desire the character). A Mary Sue is a stand-in for the author where the author gets to be as cool as she wants to be. It’s kind of a sad thing to do, as a writer, and it’s one of the hardest things to avoid, since we’re so ego-driven as humans.

Lots of writers have themselves in their books, in some form, but the best ones write their faults in or make themselves otherwise imperfect or complicated. Like, when Stephen King writes himself into The Dark Tower, he is still an alcoholic riddled with fear. E.L. James is perfect, and her big problem is that she doesn’t know it yet. Oh, and she’s a little clumsy. Ana always wears jeans and only has one skirt because it is beneath E.L. James to be feminine or care about her appearance. Girls who wear skirts try and femininity is inferior to tomboyishness and masculinity. There are moments where I like Ana, but you can’t truly like someone who is so unreal, void of faults or….shades of gray. Anyway, Paul puts his arm around Ana. Grey acts jealous and leaves. Ana admits to herself that she has a crush.

Chapter 3

This is the first chapter I hated. I counted six eye rolls. It was boring and repetitive. It was full of clumsiness, Kate making clear Ana was innocent, flushing, hand-holding, insecurity, Ana thinking Grey is hot, hearts racing, and Grey being a douche. Kate wants to photograph Grey, so Ana has to call him and set up an appointment. Grey is available the next morning at a swanky hotel. Jose comes along to do the photography. After the shoot, Grey asks Ana to go with him for coffee and she agrees, still frantically questioning in her mind why Grey likes her or if he even likes her. Kate pulls Ana aside and warns her that she thinks Grey is “dangerous,” especially to someone as innocent as Ana. Ana is rightly annoyed and goes on the date.

Ana gets tea and they begin to talk to each other like they did in the initial interview. Confrontational questions. Answers that avoid truth and substance. Grey likes that Ana is mysterious. We’re sure Ana feels the same way about him. More teasing. More flushing. Comments on the flushing. Grey makes sure Ana isn’t dating either Paul or Jose. Grey doesn’t ask Ana to call him by his first name, even though he calls her “Anastasia.” It’s a control thing, of course. Apparently, some women are turned on by controlling men. I think it’s more the idea of a controlling man because it feels safe. Once you actually live under a controlling man’s reign, you change your mind because you feel like he’s taking your humanity.

And look, it’s different if the controlling behavior is limited to one place, and you both agree it’s appropriate there. People have different strengths. If one person is good with money, that person in the couple should take care of all the bills. It’s the same in the bedroom. If there are roles that each member of the couple feels comfortable with, by all means, play them for as long as they work and as long as you are both enjoying it. It’s when controlling behavior permeates every aspect of the relationship and takes over the life of the submissive partner that things are scary and disrespectful. Obviously, Christian Grey is a guy who is controlling everywhere. She can’t call him by his first name. They aren’t even sleeping together yet! This is real life. This is human interaction.

They talk about their parents, and they don’t like it or reveal much. Ana had a good stepfather. At least there aren’t gonna be a bunch of daddy issues driving her future poor decisions… Ana says she wants to go to England, so of course a trip to England with Grey is in her future. Ana asks Grey if he has a girlfriend, and he says he doesn’t do the girlfriend thing. That would send me running, but Ana just wants a smooch. She’s only 21, so I’ll give her a break. She trips and almost dies or something, giving him an opportunity to catch her, and my eyes rolled so hard that I’m surprised they aren’t stuck that way. You guys…this man’s name is Christian. But I don’t think he’s a Christian. Hahahaha. Okay, I think I’m funny. Sidenote: This book is LONG. I’m only 9% through it. I didn’t know it was so long. Phew, I need more beer.