Pretty Little Liars - The Kahn Game

Since this was so late, we’re putting in extra effort. Enjoy a longer recap this time. We're not going to edit it for typos until tomorrow because we're tired. We're sure you'll live if you spot one. Loving the title of this episode because maybe it will feature weird, creepy cutie Noel Kahn. We open in the coffee shop where Aria and Spencer are stressing. Aria shows Spencer a picture of Maya’s wrist that was on her website. It has the mystery rave stamp. Spencer is over everything and doesn’t want to deal with it. Five days ago, she literally forgot to apply to college for early admission. Don’t sweat it, Spence. Ern forgot too and still got in. Spencer also got a B. A B! Spencer drove Toby out of town. Noooo. At least we have Noel Kahn and The New Bitch. Twenty-two-year-old college-graduate Cece comes over and says that she has a friend, Steven, from UPenn admissions who is going to a party tonight. Spencer wants Cece to take her so that she can give Steven her application. Love Spencer’s lost puppy look.

At the Marin house, the cops have a court order to compel Hanna to turn over her blood in five days. Hanna’s mom calls Veronica Hastings, attorney. Yeah, Ashley Marin, protect your baby! Love her. At school, Caleb goes to Hanna and gives her a new login for Maya’s website. At least Caleb and Hanna are on speaking terms. It’s so sad though. Hanna gets a text from A asking her to meet A at Apple Rose Grill at closing time, OR CALEB PAYS. If A kills Caleb, we will leap through the screen, find A, and bury her alive in a pit of snakes. Hanna shows the text to Spencer. Spencer doesn’t want Hanna to go, but of course Hanna is going to, right?

Aria approaches Ezra’s apartment, wearing a style we would like to call Aria Goth. It’s all hipster, sexy, overdone, and trendy, but the shirt has a bone ribcage on it. Ezra is fighting with another young man who turns out to be his brother, Wesley, urging Ezra to “take the offer.” Ezra: “The car I sold was actually my brother’s, but he gave me permission to sell it. Still, somehow, my mom can legally require me to buy it back for her. The man wants double the price, so I have to borrow money from my mom.” Aria: “Your mom offered me money to dump you, by the way.” This whole storyline is the best thing that could ever have happened to this couple, in our opinions. There needed to be some new conflict. We’re finding them a lot less nauseating lately, although we’ll never ship them or root for them. God, Ezra is so little and pale. Is he sick and dying? He probably just looks like that.

Outside school, Hanna tells Emily about the Maya website and gives her the login info. Ashley Marin comes out of the Hastings law office and sees Ted walking with a black woman. Sweet music plays. Yes, show, we ship Ashley and Ted too. Get it, girl. Second chance time. Aria and Spencer are in Spencer’s bedroom. Actual Aria quote: "I'm kind of lying here despondently right now, Spence." Not sitting, because “lying is more despondent.” Spencer is picking out an outfit for the party. Actual Spencer quote: “These are my most collegiate-looking blazers.” Spencer asks Aria for fashion help, showing us that she really is losing it. The results are not what we would like. A pencil skirt at a kegger? Some of the clothes this season…seriously, stop.

The cutest thing in the episode was when Spencer told Aria that she shaved her father’s sideburns off as a child because her grandma offered her $200 to rid her dad of such perversions that were unworthy of a Hasting. CeCe takes Spencer and Aria to the party. It’s in Noel Kahn’s cabin. CeCe’s friend, Eric, is Noel Kahn’s older brother. We wonder if he’s hot too… This could be promising. The man at the gate checks CeCe’s name on the list and gives all the girls The Mysterious Rave Stamp, dun dun dunn. Maya and Holden have been partying with Noel Kahn and college-aged kids, and PLL did not see fit to show us?!! No forgiveness. There better be flashbacks.

Meanwhile, Maya reads an overdramatic, romantic poem that’s presumably about Emily, and Emily watches her on the screen, cries, and strokes the computer. We’re beyond caring about Maya or Emily’s Maya pain. Back at the party, in the game room, we meet Eric Kahn, a 13-year-old girl trapped in a man’s body, since his “thing” is playing truth or dare. We’re pretty sure Noel has him beat on the sex-o-meter, even if they looked exactly the same. They don’t. Eric is hot, but Noel is hotter. Eric notes that CeCe brought “virgin sacrifices.” Aria and Spencer, virgins? Yeah, those ships have sailed. Eric redeems himself slightly by telling CeCe, “You’re mean when you’re cute.” Great line.

You have to play to stay in the game room. Spencer and Aria don’t really want to play truth or dare with a bunch of horny college boys (Aria has a horny grown man at home, after all, and Spencer is just smart), and the Liars turn down CeCe’s drink offer. Aww, what good examples for the tweenies watching ABC Family. CeCe and Eric sit down for a truth-only game of truth-or-dare. It’s pretty funny. We love CeCe. Eric: "Get caught in a lie, it's sayonara, sweetheart." Cece: "This ain't my first rodeo, chum." Eric: “It’s the Earth’s last night. Who in this room do you have sex with?” CeCe points out some random guy and says it’s because no one should die a virgin. Charitable.

At the Marin house, Ashley offers Hanna chicken parmesan, but Hanna is going to the grille to save Caleb. Ashley tells Hanna about the blood thing. Hanna leaves. Ashley calls Ted. Woo hoo. Getcha some, getcha some. Back at the party, Noel and Jenna have arrived. We had forgotten how luscious Noel is. He challenges Aria to truth-or-truth with him. Hanna is at the grille, and Caleb drives up, saying, “Get in the car. I sent the text. I’m A.” WHAAAAT? Okay, we know he’s only A for the purposes of that one text, but if he were this season’s A the whole time, how awesome would that be? How surprised would we be?

It’s a good thing Hanna came, or Caleb would have thought she was okay with him getting hurt. Anyway, Caleb figured out there is another A out there, and he figures that he can be with Hanna now that she doesn’t have to lie to him anymore. Hanna freaks out. She tells Caleb how dangerous A is. She tells him that A ran his mom off the road. This scene is everything we’ve dreamed. Hanna said, “Do you think I would have just let you walk out that door if I’d had a choice?” Caleb takes her head in his hands. She walks away. We’re okay with that…for now.

Back to the Noel/Aria truth-or-truth. Aria asks a bunch of questions about Maya; Noel asks a bunch of questions about Ezra, while Jenna occasionally chimes in and titters. When time is called, Spencer is like, “You’re next, Jenna. I want you.” THIS IS THE BITCH-OFF OF A LIFETIME. We lied before. THIS scene is everything we dreamed. Chills. It’s just so well-done by Spencer and Jenna. We don’t find out anything, but it is boss. God, even the way Spencer walked up to Jenna was bad ass. In other news, CeCe agrees with us that Aria is prettier than Jenna. Aria is upset after her game, so she calls Ezra, thinking she needs to get far away from Noel and the party. Wesley answers and offers her a ride. Uh oh.

Ashley and Ted are having a nice date until Wilden calls. Emily is still watching the Maya videos. Maya says, if you can believe it, “I think Emily has got a very old soul. I feel it when I kiss her. I can hear clocks all over the world running backwards. If reincarnation exists, then Emily was once Cleopatra. Actually, no, I think she proves reincarnation exists. You can definitely trace her back to the pyramids.” This is our pet peeve about people who believe in reincarnation. They always think they or their loved ones were someone famous. No, bitch, you were random slave #113 building the pyramid for Cleopatra. Paige walks in. It’s awkward.

Back to Caleb and Hanna. Oh, that scene isn’t done? This can get better? Nice. He promises that he’s going to help her take down this new A, and then he kisses her. Yep, better. The best. At the party, CeCe shows up in the game room again, with Eric. Did they bone? Maybe. Likely, knowing them (and we feel like we know them a little more after this episode). Spencer: “Where have you been? There’s no Steven, is there? Why did you really bring me? IT’S A CONSPIRACY.” ” CeCe: “Actually, yeah. I gave him your application.” We question whether she did. Back at the Marin home, Ashley and Ted are doing so well that they get honest and then kiss. Yessssss. Bonus: He cleans her kitchen. The perfect man! Also, Mrs. Hastings came through for Hanna.

Wesley picks Aria up. Wesley: “I’m actually a nice guy.” If Aria got in a love triangle with Ezra’s brother and slept with him, that would redeem her for us completely. Can that please happen? Aria: “Your family sucks. They tried to buy me off.” Wesley: “Oh yeah, you know that our mom once paid off a girl Ezra got pregnant in high school? She aborted it and never spoke to him again. You did know that, didn’t you?” Aria: “Nope. Drive faster, grandma.” In Emily’s room, the awkwardness has passed and she talks to Paige about her feelings. Paige tells Emily about her grandfather who had a tulip tattoo on his butt. We don’t get the story behind why. Does anyone else remember the time Paige tried to drown Emily?

Aria gets to Ezra’s and questions him. He confirms, they talk, they are cool. Spencer goes home and calls Toby, telling him that she misses his abs him. As do we, Spence. (The actress playing her is getting better.) Then Spencer checks her email. Her application to UPenn has been received. She tears up a little. CeCe is the best. And probably the worst, which is something for us to find out later. She reminds us of Regina George. The last scene is A taking possession of a “Unit A” from a cat lady who says the landlady won’t bother A as long as the rent is paid on time. Next week’s episode looks great, but this one was a hell of a lot of fun.

Episode grade: A