It's business...it's business time. If anyone cares, that video is gonna be my facebook status on my wedding night. So, yeah, sex advisory warning. They are going to bone, and I am going to talk about it. Nothing too weird yet. It's just hipsters being boring and not all that sexy. If you thought Ana being a virgin would make Christian throw her out so that she could get to know a more normal guy for her first experience, you thought wrong. Instead, Christian decides to make an exception for this virgin beauty and have sex without all the kinky stuff. He’s training her, you see. They do it normally. I’ve read sex scenes in books that got my rocks off. This ain’t it. I just can’t forget how dumb this book is long enough to enjoy it. We find out that Ana has never masturbated. What kind of human is this?!! Christian says, “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” Ana thinks, “Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive.” YEAH, that’s just brilliant. He’s a regular Casanova with poetry like that.
Sidenote: Remember how I called Ana a hipster? Well, Christian wears Converse shoes. A match made in heaven. Also, how does that match the rest of his wardrobe and character? It really doesn’t. Ana is wearing them too, until Christian takes them off. Anyway, they mash against each other. Ana thinks, “I feel his erection, which he languidly pushes into me.” According to the dictionary, languidly means “lacking energy or vitality; weak; Showing little or no spirit or animation; listless; lacking vigor or force; slow.” That is one sad peen you’ve got there, Mr. Grey. He goes to town on her nipples, trying to see if he can make her orgasm just stimulating those. Apparently he can?? After that, she gets fingered. Then he takes his pants off for the actual devirginization of Ana. (I know that’s not a word. This book is getting to me.)
Christian is, of course, a man of “considerable length.” He doesn’t take his shirt off. Aw, come on. That’s not right. I’d make him take it off. He’s such a freaking jerk. He says, “Do you really want to do this?” Then when she agrees, he’s all, “I’m going to f*** you now. Hard.” Then he “slams into her.” OUCH. It’s her first time. Jeez. Seriously? I know he always says, “I don’t make love. I f***,” but couldn’t he have made an exception for a girl’s first time. That hurts. Arschloch. She’s more than okay with it though. “He pounds on.” That’s in quotes because the book actually says that. She has another orgasm. When they are done, she can’t stop grinning. He finally takes off his shirt, after she asks why he’s still wearing it. She wants it again. He takes her from behind this time, saying, “You are mine. Only mine. Don’t forget it.” I think I’m gonna spare you the play-by-play of this round.
The next morning, Ana is “sore, deliciously sore.” Christian seems sad this morning and doesn’t like his naked torso touched. This is so far from the weirdest thing about this guy that I wouldn’t even be fazed if I didn’t get an explanation of why this is. Doubtless I will though. Ana’s “subconscious” has awoken and it is chastising her for giving her virginity to a man who doesn’t love her and wants to make her some sort of kinky sex slave. I don’t know what Ana thinks the word “subconscious” means, but I’m gonna go ahead and call that voice her “common sense.” She texts a worried Kate, puts her hair in pigtails, puts on her iPod, and starts cooking breakfast while dancing. Christian comes out in time to make innuendo and insist Ana finish her breakfast, since he has a problem with wasted food. He said today will be oral training, since she’s sore.
They go take a bath together and Ana gives her first BJ. Since she’s perfect (ugh), she does it great the first time, swallowing and everything. Christian marvels that she must not even have a gag reflex! Yeah, she’s not human. The blow job bath scene was kind of boring to me. Then Christian takes Ana to his bedroom to return the favor. He asks her to say “yes” to his arrangement, and she nods. He ties her hands with a silver tie and…well…returns the favor. He licks her feet a bunch first though. THAT’S SANITARY. Alright, I guess they did just take a bath. Ana calls the feet licking “too erotic.” When it’s all over, Christian hears his mother’s voice outside, arguing with one of his servants. Clearly, Christian has some weird childhood or past issues involving food and his torso. Believe it or not, I’m curious to know what they are. I’m gonna have to wade through a bunch of porn to find out though. At least we get to meet his mother now.