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| By Briana (Breezy) Baldwin (http://www.flickr.com/photos/breezy421/2812354593/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons |
Two New Girls last night! Thank God, because this show
has been off the air for far too long. The whole theme song was back in the premiere.
We’ve both learned to love it, even though it’s lame that Jess sings her own theme
song. The show needs to either keep the whole theme song all the time or shorten
it all the time. We’re sick of it coming and going. We vote “keep the whole song.”
Jess’s hipster glasses had to go. They were ridiculous. We already know Zooey
Deschanel is cool; we don’t need glasses to tell us. We liked the little hat Nick
hated though.
Jess gets laid off due to cutbacks. We love Schmidt
muttering “Obama” when he heard Jess got laid off. Schmidt’s penis cast is
removed (and he throws the smelly thing on the kitchen table in front of the
guys). Oh Schmidt, you were robbed of that Emmy. Schmidt has a rebranding party
where the theme is “danger,” as Nick predicted. Schmidt hasn’t seen CeCe since
he dumped her months ago, but she comes to the party with a date who is way too
pasty, pudgy, and normal looking for. This is funny because Schmidt dumped CeCe
so that she could date fellow models/because he was insecure. Game of Thrones
jokes are the new Lord of the Rings jokes. “There's gotta be an explanation for
this, like he's a lord of Winterfell." Ha.
Jess wants to make animal balloons for the party, but
Schmidt decides she should be a shot girl instead. Nick isn’t into the idea,
and neither are we. Shot girls are almost universally sad. Nick says she’s the
wrong kind of hot for it. “You’re the nurse I want to wake up to after having
my stomach pumped. It’s a different kind of hot.” Yayyy, Parker Posey (age 43).
While she’s had better recent guest roles, both on The Good Wife and Louie, she
did what she could with this brain-damaged, slutty character. Jess jumps on the
table and tries to do a sexy dance.
Jess realizes that she isn’t good at anything except
being a teacher. Girl, we hear ya. Sometimes you get to a point in life where
you have very few marketable skills. You have to do what you’ve been trained
for or start at the beginning of a job requiring no skills…like shot girl. Why
doesn’t Jess look for another teaching job? Maybe she’s gone from the public school
system, but there are private schools looking for good teachers. The party ends
with Schmidt trying to wield fire entertainingly and almost burning the bar
down. Once again, Winston was underused. This episode was pretty funny, but it wasn’t
great.
Then the second episode started and hit it out of the ballpark.
Charmaine, Winston’s mother, came with Winston’s sister for a visit. The funny twist
is that Charmaine hates Schmidt, who says all the wrong things, tries to act gangster,
and wants to sleep with Winston’s beautiful, pro ball-playing sister. It was nice
of the show to give Winston a plotline, but he had to share it with Schmidt, cereal
scene stealer. Also, Nick and Jess’s plots were the highlight of this great episode.
We liked the last scene where Winston’s sister took Schmidt to town in basketball
though. After he implied that women’s basketball wasn’t impressive, he deserved
it.
Jess goes to a bar and meets three men. The first two are
beer delivery men. One, Andy, is cute and normal. The other is Bearclaw, a fat,
ugly, weird dude. Jess tells Nick to give Andy her number, but Nick mistakenly gives
it to Bearclaw instead, because he find Bearclaw more interesting than “boring”
Andy. We have to admit Bearclaw gets points for the bear claw tattoo he gave himself
as a child. What a mess! The third guy is Sam, a cute slut looking for a woman he
met on the internet named Katie. Jess drunkenly pretends to be Katie and takes Sam
home. The sex was good. Jess says, “I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my
grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down,
became a werewolf, scared some teenagers, came back in my body.”
But the next morning, Jess remembers she’s supposed to be
Katie the dancer/possible puppeteer. To their credit, Schmidt and Nick go along
with it. Jess gets set for Andy to come over, but Bearclaw appears instead. Jess
ditches the smitten Bearclaw to meet Sam in the bar’s bathroom. They are making
out and starting to remove their clothes when Bearclaw, Andy, and Nick walk in on
them. The next day, Sam comes over to tell Jess he doesn’t care that she lied. He
just wants to sleep with women he doesn’t know from work. Jess taking someone else’s
blind date was a great idea. We don’t think we’ve ever seen that on TV before. But
48 Creed shows? We don’t care how good the sex is, dump him.
Meanwhile, Nick meets an old man who says he is Nick from
the future. The old man knows a lot about Nick, so Nick believes him. The old man
tells Nick that Nick is going to hurt Jess one day and should preemptively apologize
to her. This is probably a true prophecy, even if the old man ended up playing around
in a cardboard box with a tinfoil helmet. We should be worried. Nick…what an idiot.
Of course he gave the number to the wrong guy. Is he blind? No one would prefer
Bearclaw to Andy. When Cricket the Leaper did his thing, we started convulsing with
laughter. Can we have Jess’s hair now?
Re-launch grade: B-
Katie grade: A-
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