|By Briana (Breezy) Baldwin (http://www.flickr.com/photos/breezy421/2812354593/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons|
Two New Girls last night! Thank God, because this show has been off the air for far too long. The whole theme song was back in the premiere. We’ve both learned to love it, even though it’s lame that Jess sings her own theme song. The show needs to either keep the whole theme song all the time or shorten it all the time. We’re sick of it coming and going. We vote “keep the whole song.” Jess’s hipster glasses had to go. They were ridiculous. We already know Zooey Deschanel is cool; we don’t need glasses to tell us. We liked the little hat Nick hated though.
Jess gets laid off due to cutbacks. We love Schmidt muttering “Obama” when he heard Jess got laid off. Schmidt’s penis cast is removed (and he throws the smelly thing on the kitchen table in front of the guys). Oh Schmidt, you were robbed of that Emmy. Schmidt has a rebranding party where the theme is “danger,” as Nick predicted. Schmidt hasn’t seen CeCe since he dumped her months ago, but she comes to the party with a date who is way too pasty, pudgy, and normal looking for. This is funny because Schmidt dumped CeCe so that she could date fellow models/because he was insecure. Game of Thrones jokes are the new Lord of the Rings jokes. “There's gotta be an explanation for this, like he's a lord of Winterfell." Ha.
Jess wants to make animal balloons for the party, but Schmidt decides she should be a shot girl instead. Nick isn’t into the idea, and neither are we. Shot girls are almost universally sad. Nick says she’s the wrong kind of hot for it. “You’re the nurse I want to wake up to after having my stomach pumped. It’s a different kind of hot.” Yayyy, Parker Posey (age 43). While she’s had better recent guest roles, both on The Good Wife and Louie, she did what she could with this brain-damaged, slutty character. Jess jumps on the table and tries to do a sexy dance.
Jess realizes that she isn’t good at anything except being a teacher. Girl, we hear ya. Sometimes you get to a point in life where you have very few marketable skills. You have to do what you’ve been trained for or start at the beginning of a job requiring no skills…like shot girl. Why doesn’t Jess look for another teaching job? Maybe she’s gone from the public school system, but there are private schools looking for good teachers. The party ends with Schmidt trying to wield fire entertainingly and almost burning the bar down. Once again, Winston was underused. This episode was pretty funny, but it wasn’t great.
Then the second episode started and hit it out of the ballpark. Charmaine, Winston’s mother, came with Winston’s sister for a visit. The funny twist is that Charmaine hates Schmidt, who says all the wrong things, tries to act gangster, and wants to sleep with Winston’s beautiful, pro ball-playing sister. It was nice of the show to give Winston a plotline, but he had to share it with Schmidt, cereal scene stealer. Also, Nick and Jess’s plots were the highlight of this great episode. We liked the last scene where Winston’s sister took Schmidt to town in basketball though. After he implied that women’s basketball wasn’t impressive, he deserved it.
Jess goes to a bar and meets three men. The first two are beer delivery men. One, Andy, is cute and normal. The other is Bearclaw, a fat, ugly, weird dude. Jess tells Nick to give Andy her number, but Nick mistakenly gives it to Bearclaw instead, because he find Bearclaw more interesting than “boring” Andy. We have to admit Bearclaw gets points for the bear claw tattoo he gave himself as a child. What a mess! The third guy is Sam, a cute slut looking for a woman he met on the internet named Katie. Jess drunkenly pretends to be Katie and takes Sam home. The sex was good. Jess says, “I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, became a werewolf, scared some teenagers, came back in my body.”
But the next morning, Jess remembers she’s supposed to be Katie the dancer/possible puppeteer. To their credit, Schmidt and Nick go along with it. Jess gets set for Andy to come over, but Bearclaw appears instead. Jess ditches the smitten Bearclaw to meet Sam in the bar’s bathroom. They are making out and starting to remove their clothes when Bearclaw, Andy, and Nick walk in on them. The next day, Sam comes over to tell Jess he doesn’t care that she lied. He just wants to sleep with women he doesn’t know from work. Jess taking someone else’s blind date was a great idea. We don’t think we’ve ever seen that on TV before. But 48 Creed shows? We don’t care how good the sex is, dump him.
Meanwhile, Nick meets an old man who says he is Nick from the future. The old man knows a lot about Nick, so Nick believes him. The old man tells Nick that Nick is going to hurt Jess one day and should preemptively apologize to her. This is probably a true prophecy, even if the old man ended up playing around in a cardboard box with a tinfoil helmet. We should be worried. Nick…what an idiot. Of course he gave the number to the wrong guy. Is he blind? No one would prefer Bearclaw to Andy. When Cricket the Leaper did his thing, we started convulsing with laughter. Can we have Jess’s hair now?
Re-launch grade: B-
Katie grade: A-