Unfortunately, we have to talk about Portia De Rossi's looks in this episode, mostly because the internet was abuzz with comments such as "she looks so different!" and "she hasn't aged well." First of all, you guys are blind and she is beautiful.
Second of all, she DOES look different, but it's mostly because she's wearing a wig in this first episode. When she chops her hair in the show and wears her real hair, she looks more like herself again. Third, she has lost a ton of weight, which doesn't look good on middle-aged women, because it makes their faces thinner and more haggard.
We hope the dramatic weight loss isn't due to returning unhealthy habits related to her eating disorder. There's a debate over whether Portia had a nose job. We hope she didn't and that it's just clever makeup capitalizing on an old joke.
At the end of the season three finale, Lindsay finds out that she is adopted and breaks up with Tobias after he acts obviously gay. She feels like she has spent years unsuccessfully trying to fit into a family, and they don't even represent who she is.
Lindsay reads Eat, Pray, Love. She takes a cab to the airport, and the driver is Indian. They discuss spiritual things and interrupt that discussion to yell at other drivers. "Stay in your lane, Anus Tart!" On the plane, Lindsay retaliates against an unseen passenger who was pushing on her seat behind her.
These parts rang especially true, because who doesn't know spiritual seekers who still get irritated at everyday annoying people? Sometimes the people who have control over the big things lose themselves over the little ones.
After picking up the wrong bags at the airport, Lindsay as to go shopping on India's "mall mountain." She totally gets taken advantage of while bartering.
Back at the hotel, Lindsay books a 3:00 shaman by the pool for a "light ego cleanse." The heavily bearded and clothed shaman tells Lindsay that she is "so full of shit" and "living a life without love.
The shaman tells Lindsay that she is as fake as her bag and that she needs to pull her head out of the sand. The shaman says that Lindsay must "live life truthfully" and that love is where she left it. Lindsay is annoyed to realize that the shaman is telling her to go home.
After the shaman asks Lindsay if she has any children, Lindsay thinks she is being hit on and says that she doesn't. Lindsay goes back into the hotel only to be told that her credit card was declined and she has to get out. Perfect timing. Lindsay sees an ostrich as mystical, Indian music briefly plays. Yes, ostriches are a running joke this season.
Lindsay calls Lucille who agrees to give Lindsay money if Lindsay will go to her hearing. Back at home, Lindsay is acting as if she has found inner peace and has really changed. She does prayer hands at Michael who says, "Seriously, shoot me if you ever catch me doing that." Ha.
Lindsay and Tobias give their marriage another go, starting with buying a large, inexpensive house. Eld Helms sells them their home, even though they don't have any credit, income, work ethic, or savings. Because it's 2006 and real estate, Ed Helms's character is desperate. He gives them a loan. This was a time when banks were eager to create as much debt as possible.
Because they have no money to furnish their house, they just have a bunch of cold, empty space. Also, Maeby is still in high school. We're kind of sad about that. Lindsay and Tobias sleep is the gaudiest beds. Yes, beds plural. They sleep separately, and you really can't blame them. Tobias's bed looks like something…heee heee.
Because the house was built on what was formerly wetlands, the Funkes had a "Thanksgiving Miracle." They find a live duck in their cabinets and try to cook it without killing it or taking off its feathers. It's so wrong, yet so hilarious.
After Lindsay balks at the statement Lucille wants her to read at the hearing, Lucille says, "You are a lot more like me than you think you are." Even though Lindsay is trying to play "spiritual do-gooder" and has tried to play "liberal do-gooder" her whole life, Lucille knows that, deep down, Lindsay is an evil materialist like her adoptive mother.
The housing market collapses. Lindsay and Tobias decide to go to a "method acting clinic" to work on their acting skills, both so Tobias can book a gig and Lindsay can work on making her testimony more believable so that her mother will pay her after the hearing.
Because Tobias never goes to a place with the right idea of what that place is about, the two end up at a methadone clinic. Tobias thinks it's "Method One Clinic." He thinks the sharing portion is the monologue portion. Lindsay is a tad smarter than her husband and quickly loses any respect she might have gained for him.
At the clinic, Lindsay meets a cute-ish guy whose name tag says "Bite Me." His real name is Marky Bark. Lindsay knew his father, the man she once tried to save a tree with. Tobias meets a junkie named DeBrie, a former actress who has almost no marbles left. Tobias takes some of the methadone.
The four go to lunch together at the weirdest restaurant. You don't pay with money. You pay with stuff. Marky Bark tells Lindsay that he runs and ostrich farm, which Lindsay takes as a sign, even as mystical, Indian music plays in the background with the singer saying, "Coincidence!"
Talking about social issues with Marky makes Lindsay feel like herself again. They kiss and run off together. Lindsay skips her mother's hearing to pursue a new, poorer way of life. She and Marky make love, and he lasts a few seconds, not seeming to know that he's supposed to do it differently to please a woman.
We find out that Marky as a case of "face blindness." He just sees holes and he "can tell Lindsay is a woman," even though some men can make their voices higher and fool him. This means that Marky won't be able to recognize the people he knows unless they tell him who they are, which will be funny later. Lindsay is upset that Marky doesn't care about looks and can't find her pretty.
Lindsay calls Tobias from a pay phone to break up with him. Marky takes Lindsay to his desert junk home and makes love to her again. It's brief this time too, which "frees up the night for dancing," in his words. Lindsay wakes to an ostrich attacking her and Marky's mother verbally lambasting her. Lindsay puts her head in her hand and laments, "I have the worst f***ing shaman."
Trying to be less glamorous, Lindsay cuts her hair and is dismayed to find that she is even cuter without the length. We agree, Lindsay. Tobias continues to practice acting at the clinic with the help of the "acting juice."
This one wasn't great, but it sure was better than the one that came before it. There are some good jokes about India (overpopulation, value of cows). We didn't expect anything out of Lindsay's episode, because she was never the funniest on her how, so this episode came as a pleasant surprise. Her second episode turned out to be even better.
Episode grade: B