Ern: Mmm cake.
Leeard: Oh Aria. I love the necklace you’re wearing to school. Hate the everything else.
Ern: I like the shape of the dress, but hate the pattern.
Leeard: I don’t like the shoulders.
Ern: Don’t worry about Ella, Aria. She's pretty and awesome and will totally find someone. Who will probably be killed by A or something. Mona’s visitation embargo is so Caleb’s fault.
Leeard: It’s not his fault. It’s hers, for flipping her s*it at him. Who is this hipster dude telling Emily what to do?
Ern: It’s good the hipster guy works in a coffee shop. Best to keep them all in one douche-y place.
Leeard: It’s redundant that the hipster guy works in a coffee shop.
Ern: I can never tell if guys like that are gay, European, or hipster.
Leeard: Hipster is always the answer, because, again, redundant.
Ern: HOT BLACK GUY. I love those.
Leeard: MEH BLACK GUY.
Ern: I’d hit it.
Aria and Hanna discuss the fight Hanna had with Caleb. Aria encouraged Hanna to tell Caleb about A and her reasons for visiting Mona. Aria is surfing the web for online dates for Ella. They are mostly bald. Hanna tells Aria to find someone whose head doesn’t look like a grape. Hanna’s mom stops by to suggest a better site. Aria sets up a profile for Ella. Jason tells Spencer that Veronica has an agenda that has to do with protecting Melissa. Emily goes to Hollis college to meet Nate. Nate gives Emily a t-shirt that Maya intended to give her before Maya died. Hanna creeps around Maya’s institution. Detective Wilden has a court order to talk to Mona. Wren sees Hanna in the institution.
Ern: I'm going to start calling my dad "The Grape" now.
Ern: All of those usernames for Ella are hideous
Ern: Hot Mama? Even worse than RosewoodGirl.
Leeard: Not to mention probably already taken.
Ern: It's a sad, sad world we live in.
Leeard: I'm liking Nate more with the glasses
Ern: Me too. Some people need glasses
Leeard: Like me.
Ern: I was just gonna say, I like you in your glasses. I wouldn't say you need them though.
Leeard: I think I do. My face looks weird without them. Oh Hanna, whatcha doin? You know you’re going to get caught, right? Man, I still hate Wilden.
Ern: I still have trouble remembering Wilden. I couldn’t care less about all this Maya closure.
Nate and Emily talk in a café. Nate asks Emily what her best stroke in swimming is. She says freestyle. Nate tells Emily things about Maya. He says he’s glad he got to meet Emily and leaves. Wren tells Hanna that Mona might know something about Ali’s remains. Ashley Marin tells Ella about the online dating site. They discuss getting over divorce. Emily, Aria, and Hanna break into Melissa’s apartment looking for medical records. Hanna wants to find the fake baby bump. They see Melissa returning and frantically run to fix everything they moved. Hanna knocks something over. They hide in the closet just in time. Melissa sees the moved book. She looks in the closet for her wallet, almost finding the Liars, and finds her wallet. Melissa leaves. The Liars find a prom dress and a feather in the closet. Black Swan?
Ern: My stroke is breast stroke
Leeard: Mine’s freestyle. Breast and fly are my worst.
Ern: I can't even remotely do fly. I look like a freaking artard, flopping. I look like I'm drowning. And it hurts my arms.
Leeard: Exactly. I’m not even sure I move when I’m doing the fly.
Ern: I move forward, but it’s ugly.
Leeard: Ha. Oh Ashley. She totally ruined that. I love Ella just crazily tapping on the screen, trying to delete it.
Ern: Man, divorce sucks.
Leeard: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhmmmmmmmm. I love Ashley and Ella’s friendship.
Ern: Me too. Where are the Liars going?
Leeard: To Melissa’s apartment. You guys are DUMB. Spence is the smart one. Listen to her. What the hell, Em?!! Put the freaking book back where you found it.
Ern: HIDE HIDE.
Leeard: Hanna, you’re the worst/clumsiest. You girls are so lucky Melissa is the slowest person alive. I told you to put that book back Em.
Leeard: Okay, that was funny. Black Swan? HA. I love this show.
The girls think Melissa is A, meaning that she’s probably not. Darn. Melissa is back at the Hastings’ home. Spencer immediately confronts her, saying that she was dressed as the black swan at the ball and that she knows Melissa didn’t lose the baby in June. Melissa fesses up. She lost the baby the day after Ian died. Melissa said that she was getting texts and thought that Spencer was sending them. Spencer repeats, “Why were you at the masquerade ball?” Veronica walks in and says she’d like to know the answer to that too. Someone blackmailed Melissa into wearing the dress to the ball and distracting Jenna. Hanna gets a text from A. It says, “I’m everywhere,” and includes a picture of the back of a Montecito EMT. Veronica told Spencer why she took Garrett’s case. The PI the Hastings hired to watch Melissa after Ali went missing was a witness for the defense that the public defender was going to use to help Garrett.
Leeard: GO SPENCE. I’m basically just glad that the Hastings women are finally talking.
Ern: Wow, disbar Veronica for trying to prevent that witness from talking.
Leeard: Ruh roh.
Ern: I didn’t get that pic.
Leeard: Montecito is where Caleb’s family lives.
Ern: Oh. Nice knowledge, buddy.
Leeard: Also, I just want to say that I called Melissa being the black swan from the beginning. Like, at the masquerade ball. I didn’t think I was “calling” anything. I thought that it was obvious it was Melissa. It looked like her.
Caleb’s mom was in a car accident in Montecito after someone tried to run her off the road. After getting that news, Hanna changes her mind about telling Caleb the truth. Caleb presses Hanna and she asks if they can just drop it. Caleb says, “I can’t do this anymore. I feel like you’ve been pushing me away for weeks…I feel like I only exist in half of your life and that’s not good enough for me. You have to give me something here. More silence. Great. I’m done, Hanna.” Then he leaves, breaking Ern’s heart. Oh, and Hanna’s.
Leeard: DAMMIT SHOW HIM THE PICTURE. SHOW HIM THE F*CKING PICTURE, HANNA.
Ern: He’s so perfect.
Leeard: BRING HIM INTO THE CIRCLE.
Aria gets a text from Spencer telling her to abort the plan. Ella comes to Aria’s room to talk about the dating profile. Ella knows that Byron is dating Meredith and has accepted it. She assures Aria that she is fine. Emily meets Nate to get Maya’s parents address, but he forgot it. He offers to just mail her letter to them for her. Nate has decided to leave since too many people talk about dead Maya. Emily encourages him to stay and tells him that she will be his friend if he does. Back in Hanna’s depressing room, she cries and Aria comforts her. Jason catches Spencer out on an evening walk. They chat and then we see Jason write a check for fifty grand. He makes a call, asking to meet someone in the parking lot in 15 minutes. Wilden drives by Spencer and asks how far away her parents’ lake house is. We see A in the Montecito airport, hacking into Mona’s file at the institution and changing it to say that she is allowed visitors.
Leeard: I don’t think I’ve said this at all, but I hate that Byron is staying in the house.
Ern: I think Melissa is still hiding something.
Leeard: I think EVERYONE is still hiding something. Ella is the best.
Ern: She really is. I'm liking Aria so much more this season. Part of it is Ella and part of it is that her plots don't involve sneaking around with Ezra anymore and he's not her teacher.
Ern: Wear your glasses, Nate.
Leeard: Man, killing off Maya was such a great thing. Like, I hated Maya AND it’s causing Em to grow. Love it.
Ern: Nate has decided to leave since too many people talk about dead Maya. So, naturally, he's meeting someone who only wants to talk about dead Maya.
Leeard: Hahahahahaha. I mean, there’s a huge difference and he actually just said it. But it’s still funny. I like this song. OBAMA DID IT. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
Ern: Yeah, it can't be Romney. He's a Mormon. They don't do anything bad, lol.
Leeard: It’s true.
Ern: We’ve eliminated Mitt Romney as A. We’re so smart.
Leeard: Shoot, that’s one more person than the girls have eliminated. Dammit, Jason.
Ern: Things actually happened in this episode. Mostly due to Spencer having balls and being upfront.
Leeard: No Pretty Little Liars next week.
Ern: Curses. I guess I’ll just have to use that hour to study. Ugh.
Episode grade: A