It’s Not Sex If You Can’t Remember It - Grades for this week's comedies

Shameless - Summer Loving

Sheila makes it out to a fruit stand, getting ever closer to Frank’s bar. Frank reaches a new low when he decides to find someone else to mooch off of and goes to a former bar patron, Dottie, who has health problems. She has a city pension that could go to Frank if he plays his cards right and wins Dottie’s heart before she dies. Dottie has lots of home repairs for Frank to take care of, but she can’t have sex with Frank, because it could kill her. Dottie is known for being a “butterface,” which means that she has a great body…but her face (is ugly). This is an accurate, if horrible, description of Dottie. Frank finds out that he is the male butterface. We don’t think that body is anything to write home about, Frank. Jasmine tries to set Fiona up with a sugar daddy. He turns out to be a nice guy, just along for the ride with a friend. He and Fiona have an honest, cute conversation about how it’s so not happening between them.

There wasn’t enough Fiona this week. Emmy Rossum is possibly the strongest thing about this show, and Fiona is the most developed and sympathetic character. Taking focus off of Fiona and putting it on Frank isn’t a great idea. Veronica breaks the rules at her job in order to take the elderly people at the retirement home on a fun excursion to the park. One man overexerts himself and kicks the bucket. It’s all very sweet, if a little morbid. Lip is upset that Karen seems to be taking her relationship with her new beau seriously. Ian tries gets Mickey a job at the Kash and Grab so Mickey can get redemption. Debbie is starting to show some growing pains this season and craves her own room. Frank shows compassion by lending his bedroom to a pregnant illegal immigrant. Carl moves into the van. This was funny filler. Our favorite part was when Fiona had her old diary read aloud.
Episode grade: B-

How I Met Your Mother - 46 Minutes

Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs, 46 minutes away and Barney becomes “leader of the group.” First destination? A strip club. Final destination? Lily and Marshall’s house where the gang find that it doesn’t matter if they have to travel nearly an hour by train. As long as they end up together, the group is just fine. Kevin and Robin play “relationship chicken,” which is where they both try to appear adventurous and flexible by agreeing to every suggestion. That’s how they end up at a strip club when neither of them wants to go.

Confession: Ern totally does that. Crazy restaurant with gross food? Ern is there! Go-karts even though Ern is a grown-ass woman? Ern is there. Beer festival? Ern is there (and wasted). This episode, while not as funny as we wanted it to be, at least showed Ern that she is not alone in being too agreeable at the beginning of relationships. And, actually, Ern ended up really liking the go-kart thing. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with trying out a guy’s interests for a while. What else is dating for, if not to learn about new people and have experiences?

The episode was briefly funny when Barney and Ted played poker with the Russian mob. The whole thing with Lily’s father trying to “help” Marshall and refusing to move out was not funny. Strip clubs are gross. The best part of this episode was the new intro with Barney as the head of the group. The show gets bonus points for playing a second version of that halfway through the episode. Overall though, the episode was dull and flat.
Episode grade: C+

New Girl - The Story of the 50

Jess prepares a party bus for Schmidt’s 29^th birthday. Schmidt gets drunk and tries to kiss Jess, which is why he had to put a 50 in the douchebag jar. There, see? We told that story a lot quicker than the gang in this episode. Nick has a new girlfriend named Julia who is played by Lizzy Caplan who was also in Party Down, True Blood, and Mean Girls (and Related!!). She was Janis. Yes, Janis is pretty in real life. We love Lizzy Caplan. This episode was mildly amusing. Jess acted intelligently, for the most part, which is a relief to Ern. We also got to see Schmidt as a fat college guy. Awww.
Episode grade: B+

Happy Endings- Makin Changes

Jane convinces Penny not to change herself for guys, but to find a guy to change instead. Penny starts dating Jeff, a 30-year-old who still acts like he is 20, played by Ryan Hansen (who will always be Veronica Mars' Dick Casablancas to one of us). Penny changes Jeff for the better and he goes back to his ex-girlfriend a new-and-improved man. Penny does manage to break her pattern though. Year of Penny! Jane brags about how she changed Brad, so Brad starts acting like he did back in college. Jane realizes that Brad changed her too, so she approaches Brad looking like she did in college (with pink hair). They admit that they grew up together. Alex and Max are addicted to shows like Hoarders and Intervention. They conduct an intervention for Dave to stop him from wearing V-necked t-shirts. All three storylines are funny. We love this show.
Episode grade: A-

Parks and Recreation - Campaign Ad

Paul Rudd is Leslie Knope’s opponent! Brilliant! He is adorable and makes the episode even funnier than it would normally have been. Leslie and Ben fight over whether Leslie’s ad should be positive or negative. Finally, they make a great ad that they both like. April and Andy have multiple doctor appointments so that they don’t have to seek medical attention for at least ten years. At the end of this post, we have included Leslie's full "pro list" because it was impossible to see in the episode.
Episode grade: A-

The Office - Pool Party

This episode was really weird, but it worked for Ern. The opening was one of the funniest Office openings we’ve seen in a while, especially the dog dressed as Dwight. Ern is starting to ship Erin and Dwight, and Leeard thinks that is gross. “Monogamy for my hog in me,” might be one of the best Andy lines ever. Man, weird WORKS for this show. Even Gabe was funny! There were multiple, audible laughs from us during this episode. We all know The Office needs to change in order to have new life, and this type of humor might be a good direction for it to go in. It's not the show it was, but it's a show that's still funny, in a way. 
Episode grade: A

Modern Family - Little Bo Bleep

There was lots of controversy about Lily saying the F-word, but we thought it was funny and realistic. Who doesn’t remember younger siblings, cousins, or their own children accidentally saying bad words without knowing the implications? The highlight of the episode though was Phil getting autotuned on youtube for talking about how much of a pervert he is for wanting to have sex with his wife. CLASSIC. Stella is the cutest dog in the world and we want her. We are with Jay on this one.
Episode grade: B

LESLIE'S PRO LIST

• More dog parks
• Senior citizens rights
• Safe streets
• Safe sidewalks
• Better schools
• Lower taxes
• Better parks
• Better business climate
• Better Better Business Bureau
• Cleaner streets
• Improve greenways
• More snow plows
• Protecting Pawneeans
• Improving tourism
• More trash cans
• Energy-efficient street lights
• Westside Detoxification and Revitalization Project
• Repaving Grand Avenue
• More teachers
• Fewer libraries
• Improve intergovernmental agency communication
• Clean-up Barefoot Lake
• Passing Pawnee Jobs Bill P-129.4
• Playgrounds in every park
• Playgrounds in every schoolyard
• Playgrounds in every residential block
• Clean energy
• One police officer for every 5 citizens
• One park ranger for every 10,000 raccoons
• Resodding Hilltop Cemetery
• Start talking to Cuba again
• Emergency evacuation drills
• Plow for Charity
• Forming an Ad Hoc Sub-Committee Oversight Committee
• Challenging the norm
• Pawnee Corn Subsidies
• Finally Passing PR-61, formally recognizing South Korea
• Official peace treaty with the Wamapoke Tribe
• Four-way stops at every intersection
• Unionizing ice cream trucks
• Get Europe out of debt
• Free trade with Illinois
• Enact RRP - Raccoon Relocation Project
• Pawnee Community College tuition in exchange for 4 years of public service
• Doubling Pawnee Hospital's emergency room nurse staff
• Legalize Korean
• Lower the obesity level
• Stop global terrorism
• Re-open the toucan exhibit at Pawnee Zoo
• Find Gabe the Toucan
• More community gardens
• Ordinance 11F: To Re-pave City Sidewalks
• Budget reform
• Updated Technologies for Local Schools
• Better retirement benefits for city employees
• Edward Phillips Senior Center Remodeling
• Speed bumps in front of elementary schools
• Unemployment benefits
• Re-instating the Main St. Farmers Market
• No turtles as pets
• New uniforms for youth sports programs
• Free public Wi-Fi
• Updated childcare facilities
• Shutting down the Child Left Behind program
• Handicap parking placards for the obese
• FREE PARKING EVERYWHERE
• Cleaner drinking water
• Regulate heights of trampolines
• Memorial for those lost in the trampoline "incident"
• Control the floods
• Funding for public art commission
• Fencing in correctional facilities
• New police patrol cars
• Funding overtime hours for police
• Rebuilding the PTA
• Prosecuting former PTA president Linda Trifle
• Profitable government organizations
• Shutting down underground shooting ranges
• Making sure city contracts employ local workers
• Providing more economic development grants and micro-loans to small businesses
• Foster partnerships with sister cities
• More buses to speed up morning commutes
• More streets to accommodate additional buses
• Require all city employees check and respond to email
• Working sewers
• More parades
• Grants for scientists to discover new forms of energy
• Leave a lasting impression on all visitors
• Challenge the norm
• Finish the statue of Burt Bacharach
• No more conflict diamonds
• Bulletproof glass everywhere
• Free cookies at every street corner
• One school for every student
• Require flattering mirrors in public restrooms
• Develop a municipal composting operation
• Enforce existing speeding and noise ordinances
• Upgrade existing parks
• Create an anti-graffiti, youth outreach program
• Free cake when it's your birthday
• Reevaluate NAFTA
• Rickshaw Wednesdays
• Making it illegal to refuse a hug
• Make downtown more people-friendly
• Sell candy in government buildings to pay down the debt
• Get Pawnee a licensed pharmacy
• Better screening processes at local adoption agencies
• Finding homes for the adopted children of Day Labor Corp.
• Prop 6A: To Recognize All Five Food Groups
• Replacing all glass with plastic at Pawnee Psychiatric Clinic
• Curfew for minors at The Pawnee Mall
• Stop paying Sweetums the so-called "thank you for being here" tax
• Mini-golf renovations
• Subsidizing educational and eco-friendly businesses
• Removing Zorp from all written laws
• Reducing Federal Government Experiments in town to 10 per year
• Ordinance 8R: A Goat Cannot Own/Inherit a Farm
• Legalize clapping
• New railway
• Prop 14: Religion Is Not a Science
• No longer recognizing the winner of the chili cook-off as a government position
• Stricter testing at Pawnee Blood Bank
• Boarding up unsanctioned "drop off" slot at Pawnee Blood Bank
• Encouraging the FDA to re-analyze our farms
• Funding for better and safer sewage treatment
• Thicker cement for containment of old sewage treatment factory
• Mandatory sexual harassment seminar for government employees
• Starting a dialogue with the people who live in the trees
• Pay off our debt to the Ringling Bros.
• Prove that we can safely host a circus again
• Ordinance 43K: Laws Cannot Be Secrets
• Recall Food N' Stuff branded hand sanitizer
• Disseminate the fund for a Pawnee Military
• Find the stolen cell phone tower
• Reduce obesity by .01% (100 lbs per family)
• Make the Pawnee Cemetery less flammable
• Less nudity on public-access television
• Capping the number of local public-access channels at 50
• Eliminate permit application process for legal ownership of a calculator
• Making Li'l Sebastian Day a legal holiday

Grey's Anatomy - Hope for the Hopeless (with emphasis on the Hopeless)

Richard: Performed his 10,000^th surgery. Bailey had prepared him a party with a large cake and other festivities, but Richard had to skip it in order to take his wife home. Adele had come into the hospital, crying, convinced that Richard had left her. She watched him perform surgery from the gallery and they sang “Funny Valentine” together. That was their wedding song. We know this was supposed to be heartbreaking, but we didn’t care. We’ve never cared about Adele. We know the actress who plays Adele can sing in real life, but you could hardly tell from this. Disappointing.

Zola: It’s her first birthday. Meredith baked her a sweet little cake (which she ended up giving to Richard) and planned a night party. Nearly all of Seattle Grace was in attendace.

April: Is still annoying. She decides that she and Jackson should move out of Meredith’s house. After all, Meredith and Derek have a child now. They are a “real family” and they need their own space. April later decides that she and Jackson can’t afford a good new place unless Alex moves with them.

Guest stars!: The chief’s surgery is a liver transplant. One sister is giving part of her liver to the other sister. The sisters are played by Peri Gilpin (Roz Doyle on Frasier) and Nia Vardalos (from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, duh). They were pretty funny.

Meredith: She spent the whole episode trying to pick a specialty after some pushing from Owen. She doesn’t want to declare general surgery, because she doesn’t want to end up just like her mother. Cardio is Cristina’s and neuro is off the table since Derek doesn’t trust her at work anymore. Everyone thinks that general surgery is her best pick. The chief assures Meredith that while she has her mother’s gift for general surgery, Meredith will never end up like Ellis, because Meredith has a good heart and Ellis was the freaking devil.

Lexie and Derek: These two have a difficult case to work on. It’s an 11-year-old boy with a 5% chance of surviving the tough surgery they are going to perform on his brain. He has a tumor and his mother doesn’t think he knows. His mother tells the boy that he is in the hospital for back problems. However, the boy knows about his tumor, because he heard some doctors talking about it. He tells Lexie that he knows about his health problems, and he asks Lexie not to tell his mother, because “she’s happy when I’m happy.” We can’t believe that mom said he was “a young 11.” This kid is a rock star adult in a child’s body. When Derek and Lexie open the boy up, Derek realizes he can’t do anything for him. Lexie freaks and gets kicked out of the O.R. After the surgery, the boy admits to his mother that he knows he is dying. It’s really sad. Later, at Zola’s birthday party, Derek asks Lexie if she wants out of the more difficult neuro cases. Lexie says that of course she doesn’t want out. Good girl.

Callie, Arizona, Mark: The girls spend all day trying to get Mark to tell Julia that he loves her. Mark finally shuts them down by saying that he doesn’t want to rush the relationship and ruin it too fast, even though he is glad that Callie and Arizona like his new girlfriend. Callie and Arizona need a storyline right about now.

Bailey: Nothing, thank God. We are so sick of her unrealistic, nauseating boyfriend dramas.

Teddy, Cristina, and Owen at the hospital: Teddy is doing better and is getting along with Cristina really well. The target of her wrath is Owen. Owen wants to talk, but Teddy wants to be left alone. Cristina and Teddy got into workaholic mode and worked for days straight, without sleep. Owen smells a potential liability there and tells the two of them to go home. However, Teddy and Cristina couldn’t resist stealing one last difficult surgery before leaving. The way they stole it was genius and really funny. Owen should have let it go just for the pure brilliance of their conniving ways. Owen finds out that Teddy and Cristina are performing the surgery when they are halfway through it. He bursts in and Cristina tells him to get out, because it’s a hard surgery and they should have their fight later. As Owen walks out of the O.R., he hears Teddy and Cristina making fun of the “throbbing vein in his forehead.” Oh, real smart, you guys. He is going to KILL you.

Owen and Cristina at Zola’s party: Owen walks into Meredith’s just in time to see Cristina playing with Zola, telling Zola about her awesome surgery, and speaking in baby-talk. We know this just kills him. They go into the kitchen for what Cristina thinks will be a discussion solely about Teddy. Owen punishes Cristina by telling her that he is taking her off Teddy’s service. Separating the dream team! Cristina replies that this is unacceptable, that he is just feeling guilty for Henry’s death, and that since Henry died on Cristina’s O.R., that means Teddy gets anything she wants from Cristina, forever. That includes Cristina as her student to distract Teddy from grief. Owen starts hollering about how Cristina always gets what she wants and that everything in their lives is all about her, and that she can’t even accept a simple punishment when he could have fired her.

This isn’t the life he wanted for himself, he says. Cristina realizes he’s talking about her abortion. It's realistic that Owen would not be over this and that the show would have to address it again. Cristina is all, “It always comes back to that. Is it too much to ask that we just put that behind us and forget it?” Then he yells, “You killed our baby. You don’t ever forget that!” All of their colleagues are in the other room, listening. After Owen’s devastating line, the camera cuts to Zola, who looks confused. Way to slam it home, show. Meredith’s voiceover asks, “When do you just throw in the towel?” Was this a breakup fight? If so, most awkward breakup ever. We are still sort of rooting for these two to make it though and get past all the crap they’ve had to wade through for three years. Lots of people say this relationship is based completely on lust, but we think there’s something more to it if they’ve held on through all this drama. We still think their season five arc was one of the best romance arcs in Grey's history. There can still be forgiveness and growth, if the writers choose to stick with these two. We think they have a lot of potential to round each other out.

We have to wait two weeks for a new one and that one will be the “what if” episode, so we won’t know this couple’s fate for a while. This was the major cliffhanger of the week. If they break up, we are shipping Cristina/Jackson and Owen/Julia. We like Julia and we want her to stick around. Let’s get Lexie and Mark back together, already. This episode was classic Grey’s.

Episode grade: B+

The Secret Circle - Witness

The episode opens right where last week’s left off. Cassie and Adam have just kissed and Jake walked in on them. Jake tells the kissers that he led the witch hunters away from Cassie before escaping to come back and share vital information. The witch hunters have a council and that council has a ritual they can use in order to kill witches with dark magic. Jake tells Cassie that 16 years ago, the council killed her father. Adam decides that Jake is a liar and that Jake is just trying to figure out how to really kill Cassie. Cassie trusts Jake, since Jake saved her life last time she saw him.

Jake tells Cassie that he remembers being at the boat on the day of the fire that killed their parents. He was a toddler, but he thinks that Cassie can use her magic to help him uncover his repressed memories so that they can see what happened that night. Unsurprisingly, Cassie is able to perform a spell that transports herself and Jake back in time. Jake is unable to move forward beyond the portion of the boat that he remembers clearly. When he tries, he gets a headache. Apparently the painfulness of the memories are too much for him to bear.

Cassie ditches him in the spell, and Jake wakes up, back in the real world. Cassie is still in a trance. Jake tries to wake her, but can’t, and calls Adam and Diana. Back in time/in the spell, Cassie sees Jake’s parents discussing whether to continue using magic. They think that if they stop, the witch hunters will leave them alone. They talk about how Cassie's father, John Blackwell, betrayed her mother, Amelia. They mention that John Blackwell is on the boat. Just then, witch hunters appear, kill Jake's father, and drag Jake’s mother off into a room with some other women. One of the women has a slit throat. Cassie sees the toddler version of Jake looking upset. A dark-haired woman inside the spell notices Cassie and tells Cassie that she is "not supposed to be here."

Cassie also sees Adam’s dad, Ethan, who had told Adam that he was NOT on the boat the day of the fire. Later, when she tells Adam this, everyone wonders why Ethan lied. We’re sure they will question Ethan later. Back to the spell world. Cassie follows the witch hunters to another portion of the boat. The witch hunters have John Blackwell. JB is hooded, so Cassie can’t see his face. It’s a creepy-ass hood, so we have no trouble believing he is both mysterious and a little evil. The hunters set JB on fire and Cassie starts to choke on the smoke in the room. In the real world, Cassie coughs and her friends are concerned.

Cassie sees her father break free and escape the boat. He’s alive. WE TOLD YOU HE WAS ALIVE. (see the fifth paragraph) We hope no one is surprised by this development. Cassie wakes up from the spell, shares her info, and then goes to the site of the boats remains. There, she finds a silver necklace that her dad dropped. She decides that this is what protected him from the witch hunters’ ritual and now that she has the necklace, she is safe. Jake tells Cassie that her father must be dead, because there is a grave with his name on it in town. Cassie and Jake dig the grave up and find a dog skeleton inside the coffin. Cassie’s dad was a dog?!!! Ha, just kidding. We’re not that dumb. Obviously John Blackwell killed a dog. And he will pay….

Annoyingly, Faye is still hanging out with Lee. She finds out that he and a creeper friend, Callum, dealt some sort of devil weed. It’s a drug with ties to Satan or something. Lee warns Faye that there is a reason he stopped dealing the drug, even though Callum still deals it. Callum gives some of it to Faye at the end of the episode. If we know reckless, curious, fearless Faye, and we do, we know she will try the drug soon. Probably in the next episode.

Charles is still on the outs with Dawn, since Dawn threatened his mother. Charles wants to find out Dawn’s ultimate plans. Dawn goes to Ethan, playing the damsel in distress, and says that Charles choked her. Ethan told Dawn that Charles choked him with water too. Ethan goes to Charles, knocks him out, steals his crystal, chokes him, and runs off. Charles tells Ethan that it was Dawn who killed Henry. Ethan claims to not believe Charles, but when Dawn asks for the crystal later, Ethan doesn’t give it to her. Ethan: smarter than he looks. How does he look? Pretty hot, actually.

We feel like this episode, while long overdue, only told us things we had already known or guessed. The Ethan stuff was the only interesting thing to us. Still, eventful. It moved the show along and thickened the plot.

Episode grade: B

The Vampire Diaries - The Ties that Bind

Mothers never turn out well on this show, do they? We have Matt’s who sucked and made out with Tyler and abandoned him. We have Carol Lockwood, who is just a grade-A annoying bitch. There was Elena’s bio-mom, who was played by the worst actress ever and who sucked. Sheriff Mommy Forbes wins the Mother of Mystic Falls award, and she’s the one who raised Caroline, a girl who didn’t become tolerable until she became a vampire. And, finally, we have Bonnie’s mom who also abandoned her 15 years ago for what sounds like no good reason.

After Bonnie dreams about the fourth coffin, she realizes that her dreams are telling her that she needs to find her mother in order to unseal the mystery coffin and find out what’s inside. Bonnie and Elena take a road trip to find Ms. Abby Bennett Wilson, lying to Stefan about their whereabouts. Unfortunately, Klaus had already sent a hybrid to compel Abby and her adopted son, Jamie. Jamie was the son of one of Abby’s ex boyfriends, who abandoned him. Bonnie’s meeting with her mother was painful, especially when Bonnie found out that Abby was able to raise a youngster that was not her. While it was really depressing, one of us has never liked Bonnie more. Kat Graham knocked it out of the park there.

Stefan quickly figures out that Elena and Bonnie are at Abby’s. He shows up and Elena tries to talk to him outside in this barn-thing. Jamie appears, mid-argument, shoots Stefan with a wooden bullet, and ties Elena up. He must not have taken rope-tying classes, because he did a shoddy job. Elena was able to break free, grab Jamie’s shotgun, and knock Jamie out. Elena may be our hero. Elena digs the wooden bullet out of Stefan’s gut, and Stefan notices that Elena is “different.” Stronger. Tougher. Thank you vampire-hunting lessons by Alaric. We would pay $100 an hour for those. $150 if Alaric would kiss us goodbye after every session…

Meanwhile, Abby drugs Bonnie and takes her to Klaus’ hybrid. When Bonnie wakes, Abby tells her that if Klaus isn’t told where the coffins are hidden, Jamie will have to kill himself, because the hybrid compelled him to. Bonnie refuses until Abby shows Bonnie a way that she could warn her friends to re-hide the coffins. Well. At least one of the coffins. Damon chose to move the fourth, locked coffin. Abby offers Bonnie her help in unsealing that coffin, even though she lost her powers when she left Mystic Falls.

Oh yeah, and Abby was also the one who sealed Mikael in that crypt, because Mikael came looking for Elena when she was a baby. Elena’s adoptive mother and Abbie were best friends, so Abbie did a difficult spell that nearly killed her in order to protect Elena. Then Abbie realized that she enjoyed living in another town where she didn’t have to be a witch, so she stayed away. Not a good enough reason to leave your child. We disapprove. In fact, parental abandonment has to be in our top ten least favorite things, ever. It's up there with human trafficking and Two and a Half Men.

Klaus is able to get his family back by threatening the witch ghosts, saying that unless they show him the caskets, he will end the Bennett line. When Klaus moves the coffins to his home, he finds out that Damon undaggered Elijah. What fun! In other events, Elena tells Stefan that she and Damon kissed, because she feels guilty for keeping it a secret. She doesn’t feel guilty about the kiss itself, she says. This prompts Stefan to look sad and walk away from Elena for a few minutes. She follows him and he apologizes for nearly turning her at the bridge, which was nice. But then he goes right back to Mystic Falls and punches Damon in the face. Obviously, he still cares. Shocker.

In B plot, Bill Forbes returns in order to help Tyler break his sire bond to Klaus. In order to do this, Tyler must transform into a werewolf again and again, until the transformation is no longer painful. That way, Tyler will have nothing to be grateful to Klaus for anymore. Man, Daddy Forbes is smart. In C plot, Damon is concerned about Dr. Meredith Fell and her possible psychopathic tendencies. After all, she is showing interest in Alaric, and Damon can’t have Alaric’s heart broken again, because Damon loves Alaric with an epic bro-love. It is revealed that Meredith likes to attain vampire blood to help heal her patients. That’s cheating, doctor. But Alaric likes that her heart is in her medicine that much. They kiss.

Favorite lines? “We kissed. Now it’s weird.” And “I like to wave at newborns through the window.” Oh Damon. Complaint: Bonnie’s mom looks way too young to be Bonnie’s mom. Shipper news: Ern ships Stelena after re-watching season one and realizing how perfect that was. Delena needs to happen for a while, yes, but Stelena needs to be end game. It’s not fair that Nina Dobrev has chemistry with EVERYONE, but it’s good for the show. We love that they didn’t drag out Stefan finding out about the kiss. Do you even have to ask if we liked this episode? This show has yet to make a bad one. B- is as low as we could ever go with The Vampire Diaries.

Episode grade: A-

Southland - Wednesday

This show is the most realistic and grittiest of cop shows. Another thing that puts it over the top in quality is its good character development and tracking of random encounters police have with people. Most cop shows track one case and then focus on people hooking up on the side. This show has one big case and a bunch of little encounters, always keeping us entertained. When people do…get together, we actually care, because there has been build up and we care about the characters’ personal lives. As always with this show, it’s time to settle down, pay attention, and shut down all open internet windows, because this is a show that you have to actually watch. It’s not background noise. You can’t follow it that way.

This Tuesday night, season four of Southland premiered with an action-packed episode and guest star Lucy Liu as Officer Jessica Tang. We like Liu, and her character isn’t even remotely annoying, so that’s good. She’s not a GREAT cop though. She spent most of the episode trying to get to a taco truck to have her favorite lunch. While a man was hanging himself with pantyhose, Jessica was checking her phone, tracking the taco truck. We can’t really judge her for putting food first though. We usually do.

Jessica is “famous” for a youtube video that sparked plenty of nicknames from the other cops. Jessica chose Cooper as a partner, as he recently returned from rehab. He got a back surgery and is better than ever, lifting weights, working out, and stopping runaway cars. It’s nice to see that. Things are still a little awkward between Cooper and Ben though. Sammy’s new baby, Nate, is six months old, and absolutely adorable. Six months might be the cutest age of baby.

An old CI of Lydia’s who grew up in Lydia’s neighborhood showed up on Lydia’s porch, wanting to be relocated for her own safety. Except that CI had already been relocated and got into trouble in her new area too. We are going to take a shot at spelling the CI’s name…Danell? Lydia was annoyed that the CI grew up in the same circumstances as Lydia and yet made nothing of her life. Yep, Lydia showed off her serious, judgmental side for a change, haha. Was that a water bed in the hotel Danell stayed in? In a HOTEL? After Danell was arrested in a drug bust, Lydia told her to hit the road. Of course, Danell ended up getting brutally murdered. The line, “I guess she finally got a chance to see the ocean” was overkill. We got it, Lydia.

Ben Sherman, now partnered with Sammy, tangled with a cop named Ferguson. A suspect was shot in a bathroom and Ferguson’s response was, “That’s a perfect resting place for that piece of shit.” Ferguson also taunted the man as he was dying. Later, Ferguson allowed a child to play with a dead body, saying, “Let the animals be animals.” You just knew that Ben was going to get sick of this guy before the end of the day. Sammy tried to calm Ben down, saying that Ferguson was a capable, street-smart cop. Sammy also tried to calm Ferguson down, saying that Ben was new and didn’t going how the job really was yet.

We were on Ben’s side completely. In every difficult job, there is a jaded cynic who has lost all will to do the job the right way, like Gandhi would or something. It’s the same thing with lawyers and even doctors sometimes. People lose hope that compassion and integrity actually make a difference. We think that’s wrong now. Ask us what we think after 20 years of working though.

Things escaladed between the two after they encountered an attempted rape. Ben chased the suspect back through the suspect’s neighborhood and we saw the suspect take out a gun. We were actually scared, because since Nate’s death, we’ve realized that anyone could die on this show and we wouldn’t hear about it first through either spoilers or hints. That’s the beauty of this show. The suspect was then HIT BY A BUS! On any other show, that would just be sensational, but on this one, it was really shocking.

A crowd gathered to look at the suspect, upset that the cops weren't helping him. Ben started trying to stop the bleeding. Ferguson thought this was ridiculous, and the suspect ended up dying anyway. Back at the station, Ferguson and Ben almost got into a fight when Ben gave Ferguson lip about doing the job right, because citizens don’t see people, they just see a uniform and attach one man’s bad behavior to all cops. True. 

As if this episode didn’t have enough going on, a random guy came to the police station and started shooting. (Might it have been someone in that crowd watching Ferguson’s behavior?) The guy shot Ferguson through the face and in the vest, just as Ferguson shot him. Poetically, it was Ben who sat over Ferguson, telling him he was going to be ok and checking his injuries. We like that Ferguson wasn’t a flat, villainous character, especially if we are going to continue to see him. He was very brave in charging the gunman at the police station.

The show made us wait the entire episode to see Jessica’s youtube video. It wasn’t funny like we thought it would be. At all. It showed a big guy beating the tar out of her. We are amazed that the other guys in the station would joke about this. This episode kept our attention and got us viscerally. Lydia’s plot didn’t really grab us and we disliked her attitude through it. Overall though, this was a good premiere.

Episode grade: A-

The Feds have shut down Megavideo and Megaupload

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/19/megaupload-megavideo-shut-down-fbi/

Man, the government is really cracking down on all those copyright laws on the internet this year, no?

R.I.P. Megavideo. You will be missed.

The Justified opening credits are amazing and that song is extremely catchy, no?

The Good Wife - Bitcoin for Dummies

A lawyer, played by guest-star Jason Biggs, is arrested under suspicion of being an online programmer who illegally invented a currency traded over the internet. Basically, this whole episode was watching Kalinda be a brilliant investigator and figure everything out. People said “Mr. Bitcoin” a lot. Too much, we think. Kalinda turns over evidence implicating Will for bribery in order to save Alicia from possibly losing her bar license. That should turn out to be interesting. This episode was a little "meh" to us, if still technically good. This season as a whole has rocked though. This is a show that can afford an average week. 
Episode grade: B-

Gossip Girl - The End of the Affair?

Of all the STUPID reasons to keep Chuck and Blair apart, (and there have been many) this takes the cake. Blair promised God that she would honor her vow to Louis to marry him, if only Chuck would pull through after their car accident. After Blair said “amen,” a nurse came to tell her that Chuck had woken up. OBVIOUSLY Blair can’t tell Chuck and Louis this “secret” and must only confide in Dan Humphrey and a priest who says this is “between her and God.” WHAT?!! Priests aren’t allowed to give advice when it is so sorely needed? Serena came through on the theology front when she told Blair that God wouldn’t want Blair to marry someone she doesn’t love. Thank you, Serena. However, Blair decided that if she didn’t marry Louis, something bad might happen to Chuck. We guess this fits Blair’s superstitious character, but COME. ON. Ughhhhhhh

Nate finds out that the accident wasn’t completely the fault of the paparazzi. Someone tampered with the breaks. Gossip Girl is going to help Nate find out who did it, in exchange for his help, probably on getting Gossip Girl back in business. Everyone is sending Serena blasts now instead of Gossip Girl. Serena decided to start posting a few, always keeping her conscience in mind. Also, Blair and Chuck got in the wrong car that fateful night. The car that was tampered with was meant for Nate. Lily hires a private detective to track down Charlie. He finds the real Charlie, but Lily just thinks that there are two people with the name Charlie Rhodes and the PI found the wrong one. We assume Lily will find out the truth this season. Vera Wang guest stars.

While this episode entertained us, we cannot believe the lengths to which this show will go in order to keep the Chair drama alive. How is this wedding still going on? Stupid, stupid, stupid. In other news, did you guys know that Blake Lively, the actress who plays Serena, doesn’t drink? While her character sometimes sets a bad example, we admire the example set by an actress who doesn’t roll with what the world at large is doing, even if we don’t condemn drinking if you are of age and able to handle it. We like when people aren’t partiers and are proud of that (as long as they aren't holier-than-thou about it). Keep being yourself, Blake.
Episode grade: C+

Parenthood - It is What it Is

Zeek gets bad news from his doctor and chooses to keep it from his children…for now. Crosby kisses the cellist and tries to take Jabbar to one of her shows. Jabbar’s mom and her boyfriend insist on attending the show as well, where we see that Jasmine is jealous of Crozby’s new girl. Amber helps her boss out at an event, and he asks her to have a bite to eat with him. Amber turns him down but is obviously confused as to whether this is romantic interest or not. Julia starts to worry that Zoe might want to keep her baby when Zoe starts experiencing some rough emotions. Poor thing, seriously. Haddie gets into Cornell, her dream college, and her parents realize it’s going to be hard to fund Haddie’s education in this economy and on their current income.

This episode was sweet, well-acted, and well-written, as usual. This show continues to be one of the best dramas on TV and absolutely the best ensemble family show. Yep, we’re looking at you, Modern Family. While the shows are different, Parenthood beats MF in overall quality. 
Episode grade: A-

Justified - The Gunfighter

Raylan is off his game after being shot, but that doesn’t mean he can’t outsmart a new bad guy. It looks like the “Dixie Mafia” is going to be the force to contend with this season. Question: Why is Ava still alive? Not only do we hate the character, the actress who plays her is clearly a yankee. That accent isn’t working, girl. We haven’t talked about this show before in the past because we just caught up on it this week! What you need to know is that the dialogue is out of this world. The show has some of the best-written lines on TV. The show is overrated though. The main character looks like a young and way cuter Billy-Bob Thornton, which is something that is annoying after you notice that (sorry for pointing it out, haha). The show fails miserably in creating romances that the audience will care about. Everyone Raylan Givens has ever bedded on this show (a grand total of two girls that we remember) could drop dead for all we care.

We don’t know what the show is doing with Boyd Crowder and we never have. But this show is like a modern-day Western mashed up with a Flannery O’Connor short story. The action is pretty great and it’s just an overall, well-written, entertaining show. This season opener was a little hard for one of us to follow though, and we pride ourselves on being at least smarter than the average TV viewer. Being too complicated can work against a show and we hope this one has the sense to lay a few things out for the viewer later in the season. We’re excited to cover season three, but we miss Mags Bennett. Who doesn’t? The new big bads have some mighty shoes to fill. Did you see that Dexter alum? (Quinn)
Episode grade: B+

Revenge - Commitment

It’s Revenge. Of course it was a good episode! Amanda shows some hesitance about her revenge plan when she realizes that it affects people she does not intend for it to hurt. The person affected is Jack. He is beaten and has to endure Emily/Fake Amanda leaving him. Originally, Amanda intended to frame Emily for burning down that house, but instead comes clean with Emily about her revenge plan and convinces Emily to leave town, for her own safety. Daniel proposes to Amanda (in the rain! On a boat! We love him!) and Amanda says yes. Sidenote: Daniel was so sweet to his mom in this episode, too. We really hope he isn't the dead body from the season premiere. We want him to survive.

Amanda has second thoughts about the engagement, because she has a heart after all. We loved seeing that side of her. But when Victoria tells Daniel that David Clarke raped her, and this is how Charlotte was sired, Amanda asks Daniel when the wedding date will be. Ha! Muah haha! We love this show. Charlotte is basically disowned by the only father she has ever known after Amanda releases the information about Charlotte’s paternity to the Grayson couple. They are so awful. We love it. Charlotte doesn’t know why she has to move back into her mother’s house, but she is not happy. Nolan continues to rule. This show continues to rule.
Episode grade: A