The model we hate
Another Wednesday, another episode of America’s Next Top Model. This marks the first episode in Top Model history where we have actually hated one of the models. We know Melrose wasn’t popular, but we felt bad for her. We know Jade was AWFUL, but she was one of the most entertaining things ever to cross this show. Her exit poem about herself was the most awesomely egotistical thing we have ever heard, and we were sad to see her go. But Lexie is neither entertaining nor pitiable. Lexie thinks she is an entertaining prankster, when really she is a “too cool for school” bully. The thing about Melrose was that she was, at least, an underdog. But she was actually a good model. Lexie looks like a weird tarsier mixed with a lizard and is one of the worst models of all time. She just comes across as one of those snickering mean girls who doesn’t know how to rise above anyone’s social failings. It’s immature and ugly. More on that later.
Drama at the house
When the episode opened, the recently shunned Kacey was trying to worm her way back into the other models’ good graces. She decided to pass around a bunch of questions that the other girls would answer so she could get to know them better. If this was a producer’s idea, good going, because it gave you material to film. If it was Kacey’s idea, then we are even more impressed. If the girls had treated one of us the way they treated Kacey, we would be so done with them, keeping to ourselves and strategizing to take them down. But Kacey showed herself to be a bigger person than that, trying to get to know them. That must be why Kacey has those bags under her eyes; they are full of wisdom. Kacey doesn’t have a warm personality, and she’s really messy, but that doesn’t give the girls the right to bully her, ostracize her, and talk about her behind her back. During the questioning, we heard that Liz was once in a homeless shelter, pregnant, and alone three days before her birthday, and at that time, she wanted to die. Poor Liz! We want her to win now. We are suckers for the saddest story ever.
The challenge was to walk in the opposite direction of the pull on fast conveyor belts while modeling evening-wear and heels. Kacey was the only one who didn’t stumble. Liz cursed during the walk, Kendal lost a shoe and looked like she was dancing when she tried to recover, Esther and Chelsey were a mess, and Chris was funny, as usual. Ann looked so petrified that people in the audience were imitating her facial expression, laughing. They all looked like hamsters on wheels. The only girls who didn’t make complete fools of themselves were Lexie and Kacey, and Kacey won the challenge. When Kacey heard that she had won a bunch of ugly, expensive necklaces, she screamed like a dying cat, and that annoyed everyone. To be fair, that would annoy us too. Liz looked so longingly at the necklaces that you could imagine the thought bubble: “FOOD FOR MA BABY.”
More girl drama
Back at the house, model Karolina Kurkova stopped by to share her secrets and fruit/veggie smoothies with the girls. If those will make our skin look like that, we are getting a blender, pronto. Lexie left her disgusting bobby pins on the kitchen counter, prompting Kacey to complain. But Kacey had no right to, since she left old food on the counter. Lexie, still sore from her loss, started talking about Kacey to the other girls. “She needs something that shocks her every time she talks. Like a dog collar,” she said. Kacey came in and everyone squabbled. Liz was sick of it and hopped up and told Kacey off. It was pretty scary, but impressive.
The shoot and the judging
The photo shoot was to get costumed up and do fighting photos in a wrestling ring, with guys dressed up as “El Chupacabra” and the like. It was actually pretty bad ass. (Side note: one of us is actually terrified of El Chupacabra. Judge as you will). We knew Ann would struggle, because this shoot required confidence and aggression, two things Ann lacks. She struggled and cried, but we knew she was in no danger of going home, being the judges’ pet she is and the last three photos she took. All the girls looked ridiculous, but awesome. And Ann continues to rock it, getting four best pictures in a row. Ann doesn’t work harder than the other girls, she isn’t smarter, and she isn’t prettier. She just naturally photographs like a high fashion model. It’s dumb luck, but we’re happy for her. Can she get confident already? Have the judges pumped her up enough yet? Chris was runner up for best picture, because she decided to jump in her photo shoot. We are glad, because Chris is funny without being mean (like Lexie). We want her around. Speaking of Lexie: She was a trainwreck. She has never taken a picture we would ever, ever, even if pigs flew see in a magazine. She was the clear loser. Jane and Lexie were in the bottom two, and with Jane’s face, you knew she wasn’t leaving. Jane is smart enough to study up and fix her problems. Nine models left.
Episode grade: B-
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